u/Grouchy_Step_1973

I hate this stupid freaking disorder. I hate it with all of my heart. I don’t use the word hate at all because I don’t like hating people because of who they are or what they’ve went through to become that way. It feels wrong. This isn’t a person, so it’s okay.. (right?!)

Anyways, off topic.. I’ve pretty much had symptoms of ocd all of my life. I just never really paid attention or thought of it much until now because it got so bad to where I couldn’t ignore it or move past it. I’ve had a point where I was extremely conscious of my breathing. “Am I breathing too loud?” “What if I’m breathing too loud and nobody is telling me?” And just asking that same question over and over again. As a kid I had this fear that my teeth would fall out and I kept having dreams about it. I brushed my teeth so hard they started bleeding, I got scared and stopped brushing all together.

Now I’m more aware of these things and the point where it was so bad and impossible to ignore was when I was away from my cat for months. I used to check if she’s sick or google stuff and all of that because I was scared that she’d die suddenly and I wouldn’t know. That formed into looking at the clock excessively multiple times a day, worrying about if I’m mentally unstable (bipolar, which I’m not lol) and when I talked to my psychiatrist about it, she explained bipolar disorder without judgement and said that I don’t have any of those traits or symptoms. Cool. That went away. I also stay away from knives or sharp objects because I don’t like the thoughts and images that come to mind. I can’t even look at them.

NOW I can’t stop washing my hands over 4 times aggressively whenever I use the bathroom or go out beyond my bedroom because i HATE being sick or being around anyone who is sick OR getting someone else sick. My hands are dry and I have a scab that bleeds every time I wash my hands. Not to mention that I’m back at my mom’s house which is disgusting (not even being rude). that makes it worse. I cannot deal with this shit.

One more thing, I used to date this girl who was an ‘age regressor’ and she straight up acted like a little kid but still wanted to do sexual stuff with me. I legit convinced myself I was a pedophile for listening to her get off over call. (LDR & she was 2yrs older than me)

Did not help that my ex therapist kept ignoring all of the more recent symptoms… I never fucked with her.

So sorry for rambling, I just feel ashamed of this stuff and I don’t believe anything I tell anyone I know. I feel like I’m lying and faking it all for attention..

I’m turning 18 in 5 months and I have a plan to move out but I’m not sure it’s gonna work. Idk where I’ll be in 2-3 years and if I have to live with ignorant people any longer, I might just give up.

I know I’ll graduate but it’s so hard to keep up this fake personality at school because I don’t like when people worry about me too much as it makes me feel guilty. (Because I was always brushed off when I was younger)

It’s exhausting being this fake, loud personality that everyone loves because apparently my actual personality is “boring” and still not being anyone’s first choice or best friend.

I never had long term friends growing up because my mom never had stable housing. I was always switching schools and never stayed friends with any of the people from elementary school.

I envy people who have been friends with each other since elementary school or grew up together. It’s not fair. I have people I talk to in school but they have closer friends than me. I never get invited anywhere and when I invite people out, they always say they’re busy or their parents won’t let them go out.

I’ve been alone all my life and yet even when I try to get close to someone, I never can. It just makes me feel so isolated.

Doesn’t help that I’m trying to heal from what I’ve been through but nobody, not even my therapist gives me support because “other people have it worse” 🫩

Im on medication and it helps but sometimes I just need someone to listen and be supportive. I want a close friend or a partner, someone who will be there for me.

I’m turning 18 in about 5 months. I’ve been through so much that I don’t believe I can fully heal.

I used to be so angry at the world because my mom was with a racist white man who drank too much and had anger issues. (NOT MY DAD BTW) I would hear them yelling at each other every other night and I would be so happy when he was gone somewhere on Saturdays. I struggled at school with managing my anger but nobody really saw anything wrong. This went on from the time I was 7 to when I turned 10 or 11.

From 7-8th grade, I was severely depressed because in 7th grade, I was at a horrible school and my mom completely ignored me when I told her to switch me back to the all-girls school I was in. I was being bullied for “looking like a boy” and they were calling me trans because of the way I look. There were fights every day and I genuinely just didn’t wanna be there. Then in 8th grade, all I did was eat, sleep and stay home. I barely went to school at all. My mom didn’t ask anything or see that anything was wrong. She just completely ignored the fact that I was bedridden for a whole year. I didn’t know how to ask for help because nobody would listen to me at all.

9th grade I let the depression get the best of me and I was a horrible friend. I messed up the chance to have friends (even though they weren’t any better) but I still didn’t know how to manage my feelings or talk about what’s wrong so I just shut down when things got bad.

Now I’m better than I was, but my mom is still an ignorant bitch because she yells at her other kids AT NIGHT when I need sleep to be able to get up and go to school. She wants me to graduate but keeps me in distress. In January of this year I almost k!lled myself because she won’t listen when I tell her to stop yelling. She won’t listen to me when I tell her that something she’s doing is keeping me from succeeding. I’m with my grandma now and it’s better but she doesn’t like the fact that I won’t say anything to my mom. I refuse to say a single word. She tells me to “get over it” when I had to deal with her daughter’s bullshit all my life. I’m never going to get over it and when I leave, I’m never talking to that bitch I call my mother again.

It doesn’t help that my therapist keeps victimizing my mom saying “oh she’s a victim, she was abused, she needs therapy blah blah blah”
BITCH SO WAS I? WHY ARE YOU MAKING IT SEEM LIKE I WASN’T ABUSED?? I WAS A CHILD AND HAD NO WAY OUT. SHE COULD’VE LEFT AT ANY MOMENT, WHICH SHE DID BUT KEPT GOING BACK. 🫩🫩🫩🫩
I feel like nobody will fully understand because it wasn’t sexual or physical abuse.

I meant to add, I had a fungal infection on all 10 of my toenails for YEARS and last July was the first time I’ve been to a doctor in 8 years. All they did was give me antibiotics and it cleared in less than a year. I was relieved but mad that it took that long for her to get me to a doctor.

My friend that I may be interested in and who may be interested in me, quoted a line from my poem I showed them about a month or two ago. Sjjshsjshdvdbjsja?? Meeeee????

We were in the library and they showed me a sticky note in their sketchbook that had the quote: “I’m waiting for the day you become my wife.” In pretty handwriting. I melted omg that’s so cute.

I just smiled and said: “how cute” in a soft kind of tone because I was melting inside more than I do when they give me nice hugs

I never expected that at all. Is this a thing?? 😩

I also wanna give them kisses but I’m scared so I give Hershey kisses everyday even though I want them to be actual cheek kisses because they’re so cute 🥹

I started taking Zoloft 5 days ago for ocd. I’ve stopped worrying about the clock a lot and time has gone by really fast. I feel like a drunk toddler lol. On Saturday, I stayed on the couch and did absolutely nothing. It’s not a bad feeling, it’s just odd. I feel weirdly peaceful but also sleepy. My thoughts have stopped completely, I feel like an airhead 🫤

Anyone else?

I’ve been suspecting myself of having ocd but not actually sure. After googling stuff, many times a day mind you, I’ve come to a conclusion that it’s most definitely probably ocd.

I have this extreme fear of being mentally unstable. I’ve focused on bipolar and I’m so scared of it because my auntie has type 2.. I’ve googled everything and the symptoms are high and lows.. with reckless behavior but I don’t do any of that, I just stay in the house. Ok cool.

Last week I made a numbered t-chart list of 57 things that I have to do or I’ll get anxious until I do it and things I cannot do under any circumstances or nothing will feel right.

I told her to read it and pointed out that checking if I’m bipolar was one I had to do. She was like: “well you do seem to be in a mania and talking fast”

😐…

I was holding back on telling her these things out of FEAR she’ll say some dumb stuff like that. She said the m word.

Talking talking talking… she says: “yeah I’m so ocd about my car keys, I have to check them blah blah blah”

Omfg lady that’s not what it is.

She also said “maybe your brain is convincing you that you have ocd.”

No. No. Then that means the other thing is true.

I’m going to my psychiatrist tomorrow and talking to her about it so maybe I’ll get ACTUAL ADVICE and maybe a diagnosis.

I’m not telling my therapist much else because she genuinely says the things I KNEW she would freaking say. 🤦🏽‍♀️