u/Head_Pomegranate8018

I feel like most of us, in one way or another, are coping.

My personal way of coping as of currently have been subconsciously seeking validation. It's like I'm chasing dopamine, validation, approval from anyone and everyone I can speak to, and when they don't respond the way I want to, I get kind of upset. Even if they do give me a good response, I still feel like there's something missing. Could it be warmth? Love? Care? The feeling of being wanted forever?

Now, I know this is unfair. This is unfair to both parties. This is unfair to me, because this is my family's responsibility, while it's also unfair to the other person, because this kind of weight shouldn't be placed on their shoulders. They're not obligated to carrying my past baggage whether I like it or not.

But yeah, when I cope, I feel weak. I feel pathetic. I feel like I'm weird. Because how come I have to fight for things that most people already have? We all want the thjngs that we can't have, but I can't help if I come off as some sort of beggar to others begging for spare change, meaning attention, validation, you know it.

It's like there's this void in me filled with endless wants, desires, and needs that I've perfectly suppressed, but they just can't stay suppressed forever. Maslow said it best under his hierarchy of needs, anyway.

Don't even get me started on the loving yourself thing haha. Maybe it's because I'm unaware of such a concept besides the portrayals of it displayed in Westernized obsession with the self that makes absolutely no sense. Like is it mindfulness or even accepting that I'm fundementally lovable? Because I can say all those words, probably throw up a convincing smile and still feel nothing about it.

But if you have any advice youd like to leave, feel free to share some. It's greatly appreciated. ;)

Hey guys! I just wanted to share this semi success story because I feel like it's kind of related to the law. So for the past few months, I've been manifesting being the topper of the entire class so I can go to my dream school. I would try my best to put everything aside so I could focus on my studies, I'm talking making schedules, doing pomodoro techniques, getting study buddies and just trying everything.

Fast forward, I got my grades today, and I'm the topper of my entire class! Except I feel like it's not good enough to me lol. I see other people in other classes having greater grades, and I feel somewhat inferior, but I don't want to stay in negativity for too long.

But against all the odds, I am somehow the topper of the entire class, even though there were people that had better grades than me in certain subjects, I was still the topper. Even the subjects that I studied for last minute somehow helped me become the topper of the subject in class.

I just think it's kind of magical haha. Let me know your thoughts!

So I don't know if any other Aquarians experience this, but I feel like a lot of people are just so obsessed with me to the point they'd stalk me lol?? Like they'd go as far as to mimic my mannerisms, behavior, facial expressions and just talk about me when I'm around lol 😂 I just feel like we have some sort of energy that kind of makes people either love or hate us lol. Like it's very all or nothing

Soooooo since I have a lot of pent up rage in me because of birth giver, I figured I'd just list some of the things that she's done that's inflicted a lot of pain on me.

•Moving to a new place where my abusers are there because they can control me and hurt me

•Recording me crying

•Body shaming me even though I was skinny and had a normal diet

•Talking trash about me when I didn't do well knowing I studied hard, and suddenly taking all the credit when I'm excelling

•Left me alone at home with only chicken in the fridge for a week to see her precious son

•Cut off the internet when I was having fun with my friends

•Letting her precious son go through my phone without through my consent, reading my convos

•Watching me get abused by the same man that abused her, and doing absolutely nothing

•Constantly monitoring what I eat from something as small as chocolate and using it against me when I get a little fat

•Telling me I should've jumped off when I committed a s*****l attempt

•Getting my abusers to threaten hitting me when I brought my friend home just talking

•Letting my abusers confiscate my ring just because I can't have nice things :) (I bought it on my own.)

•Always threatening to call my abusers to settle matters from something trivial as a few ants on the table instead of communicating with me

•Siding with the teachers when I'd received constant mistreatment and putting all the blame on me

•Threatening to call my abuser to come over when I was in a very depressive episode, making up a narrative where I don't want to go to school

•Going through my food receipts

•Going through my wallet and intentionally not giving me an allowence knowing she was gonna disappear for a few days just so I could be helpless

•Eavesdropping on my calls with friends

•Having the audacity to call me selfish names like disrespectful yada yada yada when she's literally the worst person I've ever met

•Intentionally humiliating me in front of family and ONLY talking about my worst behavior

•Not letting me call my sister when I was in a very vulnerable position knowing she was gonna side with me

•Making up false narratives about me to get people to side with her just because she's my "mommy"

•Going through my diary without my consent

•Forcing me to spend my birthday with my abusers

•Belittling me and constantly undermining me, then acting all encouraging and supportive, hot n cold behavior

•Always siding with my abusers (or should I say our.)

•Telling me I should love my abuser because we're all "family"

•Trying to gaslight me into thinking my friends don't have the best interest at heart for me

•Trying to stop me from getting my own phone

•Tried to keep me dependent by letting me use her awful phone and setting up a ridiculous rule of how I can only use it until the battery ends and keeping the charger away??

•Forcing me to wear clothes that make her look good.

(Yes I do look good, but this bothers me a lot, because she's just so controlling.)

•Making me feel like I had to be useful to be worthy of love

•Teaching me things like how materialistic things, attention and grandiose actions are proof that a man 'loves' you

•Telling me I should apologize to her when she literally throws herself a pity party whenever something small happens just for attention

•Making me kneel down and apologize and how god is watching me and how god knows my thoughts, all because I 'hurt' her feelings

:)

There's a lot more, but that's all I can think of for now. I actually discovered this exercise the other day, and it is certainly... eye-opening, for lack of a better word. Let me know if it hits home or whatever lol

So I've been trying to studying my chart for a while now (I have a 8h stellium), and most of the posts I read talk about how the 8th house is so mysterious and has a lot of association with shared resources, money, sex and interest in occult practices. I find that to be incredibly shallow and just outright ridiculous. How come other houses are labelled as sunshine and rainbows with descriptions like a natural leader, abundance and a likeable personality, while the 8th/12th house is described like the enigmatic, ambiguous outcast that everyone awkwardly stares at? I understand that it's intense, that such experiences change the people with such house placements, but I just feel like there has got to be something greater for us to say rather than some ludicrous pop astrology nonsense.