I was always in the pit orchestra but I have no acting experience whatsoever.
I really like the idea getting into improv for a variety of reasons and I’ve heard a lot about UCB.
Good idea? Or should I choose a lesser known theater?
I drank before work on Tuesday, lost my job. I’ve been on a crazy bender, drinking around the clock. My roommate told me he’s really not comfortable living with me anymore.
I’ve been such a huge piece of shit.
I want to stop drinking. I’ll get sober and stay dry for a week or sometimes two weeks but I inevitably drink again. And each time I drink I scare myself.
At the moment I am so severely depressed. I hate myself. I have potential to be a great person but I haven’t been good for several years at this point.
I sobered up for 18 months back in 2022. It was the happiest stretch of time in my life. Everything was going for me. Then I fucked it up by drinking at a wedding.
I’ve been in and out ever since, sometimes three months, sometimes a couple of days. I had an obsession with drinking and it has returned and my life feels like it’s over now.
For those of you who learned how to recover, what did you do?
I want to be teachable but I’m just so damn arrogant. I feel broken and lost and I don’t really believe in myself anymore.
Please help me.
I've been on a bit of a losing streak lately. I've been drinking a lot in isolation. Broke up with the ole' girlfriend a while back. Moved to a new city. They like me at work but I don't like being there. I feel like a person looking at who I really am sitting on a desert island through binoculars.
I used to love being in bars. I always had a knack for getting into shenanigans with strangers whenever I hit the dive. I hadn't been to one because for the past few years I've been either drinking in isolation or not drinking at all.
I came home from work feeling fucking awful about myself. My subordinates at work don't listen to me, they think they know better when in reality they don't know shit and their knee jerk impulsive ideas end up fucking up the whole show. Then they complain to me. I told them to wait and think earlier, but apparently that is too great of a task and they go along assuming things aren't running right because of ME - the guy who told them the standard operating procedures - rather than their own dumb fucking selves who make choices based on vibes alone, quick as fuck to get back onto their phones and hit their vapes out back like I don't know whats going on. I'm at the end of my rope here.
So after work I poured myself a few drinks, in isolation as I often do, when I thought about the bar scene. The one I used to flourish it. I thought maybe I'd have one more fun night in a beer garten if I went out tonight rather than wasting away at home.
Well, that was a dumb fucking thought.
I tried talking to people and I realized that while the scene has changed, I've changed further. I'm angrier than I used to be. What used to be the biting whit that I had has turned into a venomous disdain for other people. I left the first bar and went to the second bar to pay too much for too little and found myself in the same predicament. There was no kinship to be found, not the way there was when I was 15 years younger.
I didn't even finish my drink. I have plenty of that at home.
Looks like I'll spend the night alone again, sipping from the bottle. But now I know this is the better option.
Topics include: the modern times.
Today I went on a bike ride. I’m blessed to have a flat bike path near my house that seems to go on forever.
I’ve been hating myself for a while now. Like, real hatred for this person I am. It’s been dark. Relapsing often. Getting sober and wondering why. Getting drunk and wondering why. On repeat for the past two years now. Really missing the optimistic person I was the first time I got sober. When I drank again he went away and hasn’t been back since.
Anyways, yesterday I pushed myself to go for a run in the evening. I ran two miles, longer than I’ve run since high school, stopping a couple times, running in the dark and waiting for it to end. I thought I was gonna die, seriously, heart rate 175 the whole time hoping it would give out and I’d pass away right there on the sidewalk.
When it was over I felt a little better. Like actually pretty good. That was the hardest thing I’d do all day and it was over.
I set out to do it again today but my body seriously wouldn’t let me. So I gave up and went home, crushed and defeated like always. But I couldn’t sit with it. I needed to punish myself again and I couldn’t.
So I got on my bike and rode. I felt like an idiot at first riding down the street, wondering when I’d give up and turn back. I got an annoying distance away from my house. Then I saw the bike path. Got on it and wondered how far I could get. Maybe another mile or so? But I just kept riding. Trying to drown out these negative thoughts by riding and blasting music.
Eventually I started to notice the other people on the bike path. They were doing the same thing I was. Some looked like they’d been doing it a long time. There were people who looked worse than me who looked like they’d been doing it a long time and still have a long way to go.
I’ve often seen people out running or cycling and I’ve thought they were lame. They’re not weak but they’re definitely lame I’d think to myself. But here I was among them today. We were all doing the same thing. And I wondered if we were all doing it for the same reasons.
Perhaps it’s that high people talk about from exercise, but I began to feel very connected to everyone I saw on that path. I’ve always hated that spiritual bullshit I hear recovery people talking about but today I think I may have had a spiritual experience on that path.
I was looking at people and smiling at them. They’d sometimes look and smile at me. We’re all doing the same thing. Fighting something similar that lives inside us all. And when we’d pass each other it felt like some of us were acknowledging that fact.
I ended up riding to a part of town I’ve only ever driven past before. I wanted to keep going but the sun was going down and I had to do it all again if I wanted to get home. In the past I would’ve never done anything like this because it would be a bitch getting back. But today that ride back home didn’t feel long enough.
I’m going to go for another ride tomorrow.