u/Howfuckingsad

I don't want to force conversations anymore. I am a fairly talkative person. But I think I make a lot of things about myself just to keep the conversations flowing. I am bad at taking information too.

I want to know how to make these conversations natural and I also want to know when and how to stop so that the other person doesn't feel pushed away.

I went to travel with my friends for a few days and I realized that their hygiene habits weren't as difficult as mine were. Yet they looked and felt and smelt significantly cleaner than I did.

I also have a darker and dry skin. I do moisturize and use sunscreen and so on whenever I can. My friends however just wash their faces and they look so much better and cleaner than I do.

Why is this so?

I don't want to force conversations anymore. I am a fairly talkative person. But I think I make a lot of things about myself just to keep the conversations flowing. I am bad at taking information too.

I want to know how to make these conversations natural and I also want to know when and how to stop so that the other person doesn't feel pushed away.

How do I positively receive complements? I always go into the "haha thank you. I don't think that's super true but thank you regardless" type response.

I just don't know how to react when someone compliments me.

I tried fixing my ways but I keep going back to old patterns. I think my ex-partner saw that I was this performative guy who was in desperate need for validation and lost interest in me. I didn't realize how big of an issue and how deeply rooted all of that had become inside of me at the time. Much later after a lot of reflection, I realized that was an issue.

Since then, I have actively tried fixing it. For myself. But why have I struggled with it so much. The only difference is that I used to not realize when I did it but now I realize it and feel guilty.

I think this attitude is the reason why I don't have many friends. I keep feeling like my voice and my opinions matter a lot less since I haven't been able to bring a proper output for anything. I do put effort I think but I am afraid I keep putting effort in the wrong things.

I keep being so distracted and I overthink so much that I don't get anything done. This has been an issue since I have been a kid.

I actually realized it at around 3-4 months mark after the breakup but I just didn't know how to handle it at all.

I lost myself entirely in the relationship I think. I started hoping for more interactions with this person since it felt like we were in a long distance relationship despite being classmates. But that in turn made me anxious I think. I got so anxious that I started texting her so much everyday. And I feel like I wouldn't listen at all. She stopped sharing stuff about her after the first few days after she proposed and I feel like my excitement at that time scared her from doing so.

I was also clearly not fulfilling her wishes well. She said she wanted love letters but I never got the opportunity since we were classmates and passing notes was so difficult. We didn't even go on any normal dates either since her parents were super strict and the only way to do so was skipping classes which I really didn't want to do. I really wanted to plan dates and I would consistently insist we plan them, but she would always say to "go with the flow" and we would end up planning nothing at all and would literally go on no dates following all of that, the short "dates" we had would end up early too and there was literally no effort from her side to maybe stay a bit longer. I would see her being much happier with other guys at times while reserved with me. I wasn't insecure about it since I trusted her. But being reserved with me did feel bad so it made me even more anxious.

I think, initially, she was trying too but my pathetic attempts to please her would just feel creepy maybe. I would talk a lot around her, I would share everything even my insecurities and so on (Looking back, I very much regret this since it definitely made her view me in a much dimmer light)

I also think I had absolutely zero patience with her. The constant demands and so on made her not feel okay now that I think about it.

I am definitely in a much clearer headspace now and I can see that the person I was during the relationship was genuinely not the person I wanted to be. I got so hyper-anxious that it surprises me even today.

Worst of all, I keep overthinking about everything. I keep replaying my mistakes over and over again, my growth entirely gets stalled by the amount of overthinking I do and I think she realized that and dumped me.

I have realized that my mind runs at 1000000mph and I have also realized that the speed at which I talk, the anxious nature I portray and the fact that I miss social cues, the fact that I am very forgetful and clumsy doesn't really work if I want to make sustainable relationships.

I feel like this nature has bled into my general mentality as well which has led me into a not so healthy mental state.

But, outside of that, I still keep feeling like this overtly excited demeanor, the sharing things that people just don't care about is a bit of me too. I feel like it's a bit of my core personality but it clearly overwhelms everyone around me.

I think I have a bit of ND tendencies which makes me very reactive and "rushed". I genuinely feel like my pre frontal cortex is disabled at this point. I'm just worried that it makes everyone else around me very uncomfortable.

I have recently decided to take decisions like talk a bit slower, not talk about the cool things in my life and try to listen more to others and so on but I don't know if it's working since I have had minimal social interactions recently (I'm on a break from schoolwork).

I say and do things that I regret so much but my brain literally can't stop to think when around people and I keep yapping even when things don't really make sense.

I feel like I am a very insecure person and I think the root cause of it was probably the fact that I got pretty aggressively bullied for a large portion of my life and my parents weren't really available for most of it (No hate to them, they had their own issues too). And that in turn made me this validation seeking demon.

But regardless, I have already grown to an age where my background isn't really an excuse. I don't know why I become this annoying bitch when around people but I really need help on fixing it.

I think my anxiety causes me to talk a lot and I literally shut off my brain even when near my loved ones. Is there any way I can fix this? I think I overwhelm people.