u/Human-Rip-2530

I've worked here for 10 years, and I always wondered how my narcissist coworker has worked here for 29yrs and still hasn't achieved mastery of this job.

I've written about Rachel already, and I have a plan to deal with her--This is just a reflection.

I finally figured it out.

Learning requires you to care about things, people, and even about quality and excellence.

I have always been a good learner, and I think it's because as an empath, I care about just about everything, and I think a narcissist would experience the opposite, and this in turn fuels even more rage and envy in them.

I was recently horribly scolded by someone in my department. Lets call her Rachel.

When I first got hired 10yrs ago, Rachel absolutely loved me, always complementing me on my good nature.

Years later, Rachel berates me, stands over me pointing down at me screaming at me when shes mad at something.

"You shouldn't work here." Is a commonly featured one.

Somehow it didnt bother me too much, I am great at my job and I get advantages Rachel cant understand because empaths have foresight and influence that get us advantages that a non-empath cannot understand.

The most recent episode Rachel dumped on me and everyone in my department just watched, as usual.

I looked up from the verbal onslaught for a second and saw Rachel smile at someone across the room. My coworkers are in on it.

I know this because I saw then in that quick glance and they have never once looked in on me after a berating.

I have come to realize that the weirdness surrounding Rachel is because she is a narcissist. She also announces loudly how she doesn't care about xyz person's pain or issue. I always found it but 10yrs later, it can be nothing other than narc.

Lets just say, this last berating and realization of the narcissisist attachment and trap had me cycling really bad into a depression lasting weeks.

All I could talk about was Rachel and how I had no idea that I had bonded with her in a codependency (co-ideation) loop and for ten years I said yes to everything.

The problem is that I did not recover from the incident and my family had to sit me down and beg me to move on from Rachel.

They were so done with hearing about her.

I had no idea how deep I had cycled, defending myself from another Rachel attack filled my every waking thought because I felt so terrorized by her.

Im a super empath, I was dying from Rachel. My family who live with asked me to get over it.

Seeing the damage Rachel and the entire department witnessing the attack led me down a dark road.

I only got out of it because an old coworker who knew Rachel for years came in for a shift and found me in the dumps.

She walked me out of my misery and told me to never let a bully like Rachel interfere with my peace and happiness.

My family is so wierded out by my obsession with Rachel, they are on eggshells.

There's no way to explain that as an HSP empath, sometimes, though rarely, certain lows hit extremely hard.

I never wanna lose my mind like that, ever again.

That not everyone looks at a photo of themselves and knows exactly what events,surroundings, people, smells, foods produced that feeling

I honestly dont know how Ive got this far in life relatively successful and unscathed.

I think about my tough years, when I couldn't manage it, I certainly spiraled, all the symptoms everyone on here has, I have the same.

So far I haven't read about the exhaustion. Im always tired and I have no memory, I remember selective things.

Anyways, I got by through having a solid religion and using my spidey senses to latch onto good people, good supervisors, good bosses.

Im also avoidant attachment so being single helps alot. A good support system is critical.

Im new here, question, is this really all about doom and gloom.? Cuz that's what it looks like being an empath is all about.

Friends, let me know if you remember the dark days.

Warning ⚠️ teen strife.

Read with caution, I dont have trouble with bad memories. Some people do.

I came to America as a teen in the early 2000s.

One thing I did not expect was the feeling of complete and total rejection.

Back home, I felt beautiful, intelligent, I was educated, I had a great family, I was a kind, loving, well adjusted person.

After 1yr living in America I felt like a total loser.

I threw away all my beautiful home made clothes 😩, I went to Walmart and bought grease and I straightened my hair.

I hated my body, my accent, my hair, my stupid name, my dark skin....all of it.

I hated myself.

It was like out of nowhere, everything about me suddenly was so terribly wrong--down to the last kinky hair and I had to change all of it.

Fortunately during the delibitating depression I took a moment to ask myself, hang on, what changed?

How did I go from an almost 10 to a 0?

I was still the same person.

What changed?

The culture, the society had changed, not me.

Nothing in my new country validated anything about me.

Then I started reading about black history, I made some black friends and I slowly learned to invert the narrative.

Many forget that in the west, black pride, black beauty are states of resistance.

Its a counter culture.

You are beautiful because you insist that you are.

You are beautiful despite constant messaging that you're not.

If I stand to be corrected, Im all ears.

Friends, let me know if you remember the dark days.

Warning ⚠️ teen strife.

Read with caution, I dont have trouble with bad memories. Some people do.

I came to America as a teen in the early 2000s.

One thing I did not expect was the feeling of complete and total rejection.

Back home, I felt beautiful, intelligent, I was educated, I had a great family, I was a kind, loving, well adjusted person.

After 1yr living in America I felt like a total loser.

I threw away all my beautiful home made clothes 😩, I went to Walmart and bought grease and I straightened my hair.

I hated my body, my accent, my hair, my stupid name, my dark skin....all of it.

I hated myself.

It was like out of nowhere, everything about me suddenly was so terribly wrong--down to the last kinky hair and I had to change all of it.

Fortunately during the delibitating depression I took a moment to ask myself, hang on, what changed?

How did I go from an almost 10 to a 0?

I was still the same person.

What changed?

The culture, the society had changed, not me.

Nothing in my new country validated anything about me.

Then I started reading about black history, I made some black friends and I slowly learned to invert the narrative.

Many forget that in the west, black pride, black beauty are states of resistance.

Its a counter culture.

You are beautiful because you insist that you are.

You are beautiful despite constant messaging that you're not.

If I stand to be corrected, Im all ears.

I'm not a fan of this question because it's typically answered with "they're jealous of us."

I don't know about that.

But years ago, I saw an image that helped me understand the issue, the image seems to have disappeared from the internet sorry but allow me to share, kindly.

It was a depiction of a Black mother with five babies on her lap, each baby taking turns to nurse — except the white baby, who was off to the side, shunning the mother, looking at her with contempt and disgust.

That picture stuck with me.

It gave me a theory: they hate us because they've shaped their entire identity around not being us.

Meanwhile, we birthed them, and we even birthed their civilization. (Yes — Aristotle and Plato stole from Africa.)

The white baby rejected its Black mother. But she is mother all the same,forever and always, and she has never stopped loving her prodigal child.

That fuels even more anger and guilt.

Just a thought.

Edit: Im glad this theory seems to help someone, its really helped me make sense of so many pieces of the puzzle. For example: Why do they impulsive surveillance of blackness? 1.To make sure the truth never comes to light 2. also there is an inexplicable connection (to mother) that they cannot shake 3. When is it safe to come home?

Clearly there is a piece of their soul missing that is rooted in blackness but there is too much shame to overcome all the evil done to position themselves above blackness. (I need some Karma, help a sister out, thanks)

The old boss enabled a bully.

atleast once a week, this woman tore me down.

I stayed because he was a great boss.

Old boss is gone,he took a new job across the country, our company is hiring new manager. I actually know the likely candidate, I worked with him briefly at another location.

He is not that great.

Incompetent bully is shaking in her boots, collecting interview questions, and expected my usual emotional support. I barely sat down today before she began trying to suck me into her world.

But Bullying has made me genius at my job

cuz I had to work harder and longer than anyone else.

" I will accept any boss, I really dont care." I said to bully today.

"But what about xyz" she replied.

"I have more skills for that task than I know what to do with. I will be fine. " I snickered.

Bully left to lunch.

Im cackling.

Im younger, prettier, nicer, smarter, I know how to behave, and people feel safe around me.

.I have zero worries.

WW coworker, not my boss, not my manager, not my supervisor.

An old lady colleague who is obsessed with me and always wondering where I am and what im doing, which is why I avoid her like the plague.

She actually said this to me yesterday when I stepped away to talk to the boss "I want to know where you are at all times."

I didnt know what to say, because I've grey rocked my way through this job and finally found a new one.

Cant wait for my last day.

I watched the show alone couple years ago.

My kiddo whom I struggle to punish cuz she's actually a good kid, I find creative ways to discipline her.

Punishment, watch Ep1 of this OLD show.

"Noooo, mom, not an OLD show."

I got home and she couldn't wait for us to watch more episodes together.

Im looking forward to wonderful dinners and bonding over Smallville