I'm writing an adult-themed LitRPG based around an annual MMORPG competition and I need your filthy, creative, brilliant minds. Help me brainstorm weapons, spells, armor, and attacks inspired by double entendres, puns, and the urban dictionary… the more perverse and farcical the better. I really can’t wait to see what you all come up with. Here's everything you need to know:

"Someday, SOMEDAY, SOMEDAY. Tickets now on sale for the S.W.A.L.L.O.W. EXPO! Meet your favorite adult entertainers. See product demos that will make you wet and wild. Experience the latest in AHE® immersion pod technology, now 100% compatible with the latest 40 iterations of the G.A.M.E.S. VR experience — featuring full sensory fidelity, enhanced PPE integration, and certified for the forty-third consecutive quarter free of code-transmitted super neural gonorrhea."

Five hundred years after Earth joined the Coalition of Interstellar Trade and Universal Standards the galaxy still can’t get enough of the planet’s number one export, media and entertainment. Earth culture is like diplomatic herpes — highly contagious, mostly harmless, flares up when you least expect it, and absolutely incurable. Despite the  Laws for Unincorporated Biological Encounters, the observers and handlers of Earth started inflating their credit accounts from black market transitions of Earth media, especially stuff from its golden era known as the 20^(th) and 21^(st) centuries. Practically proving the old adage…

“At least when C.O.I.T.U.S. fucks new worlds, they use L.U.B.E. first.”

No C.O.I.T.U.S. industry was more influenced by the spread of Earth culture than the adult leisure sector. With the Sex Workers Association of Labor, Licensing, Output and Wares becoming one of the early adopters of immersive At Home Entertainment options featuring Earth inspired content. The trend was so popular, it even took over the pinnacle event at the annual S.W.A.L.L.O.W. Expo, the Galactic Augmented Multiplayer Environmental Sexcapades. An event that is now broadcast live to over 100,000 C.O.I.T.U.S. worlds, with multi-quadrillion viewers tuning in for every hour of the 30-day competition hosted in Vegas, Earth the new entertainment capitol of the Milky Way.

Now, every galactic year hundreds of thousands of S.W.A.L.L.O.W. members, mainstream entertainers, influences, trendsetters, and treasure hunters pay the entrance fee for a chance to compete for fame, riches, and glory in the fully immersive, MMORPG. This year, the prizes are bigger, the sponsors more motivated, and everything about the G.A.M.E.S. is new to discourage PvP violence giving more players a chance at reaching the never before completed Boned Zone and a potential prize of 26.32 quadrillion credits. An endowment that has been growing for over five hundred years.  

Thus far I have decided on the following classes for my MMORPG:

Bull — Warrior class focused on pure offensive melee combat.

Enforcer — Monk class focused on front-line protection, crowd control, and unarmed combat.

Dominatrix — Ranger class focused on party control, protective leadership, and group attentiveness.

Hunter — Hunter class focused on resource gathering, traps, tracking, and animal taming.

Rake — Rogue class focused on stealth, speed, and precision strikes.

Hellion — Barbarian class focused on raw power, high damage output, low defense, and rage mechanics.

Masochist — Paladin class focused on tank/heal hybrid mechanics, powered by absorbing damage and dedicated service.

Stripper — Bard class focused on party support, buffs and debuffs, and social/persuasion mechanics.

Succubus — Mage class focused on pure spellcasting, high damage output, and a predatory seductive playstyle.

Sadist — Warlock class focused on dark magic, summons, debuffs, and pet mechanics.

Switch — Druid class focused on shapeshifting, versatility, and nature-based abilities.

Submissive — Cleric class focused on primary healing.

Rigger — Artificer class focused on crafting, constructs, rope specialization, and artifact/gadget creation.

Mercenary — A support class focused on hired player assistance and the player-economy.

Fuckboy — Bombardier class focused on ranged offense and defense from a safe distance.

Here are the weapons, spells, armor, and attacks I’ve come up with this far that fit the adult entertainment/MMORPG theme:

Weapons

Staff of Stability – Magical staff that can be used as a mele weapon, magical conduit, and stripper pole.

Breast Pump Machine Gun – Full automatic machine gun designed to be worn as a chest plate with the trigger worn on the hand. Allows the wearer to fire a duel barrel machine gun from their pectoral muscles.

Taste of Steel – Sword, the wielder tastes everything the sword tastes. Provides attach and charm bonuses.

Spells/Potions

No-More-Tears – The best healing potion available in the G.A.M.E.S. produced and sold by sponsor Johnson & Johnson Pharmaceuticals. Restores 100% health, stamina, and mana instantly with a 1-minute invulnerability buff. If the potion is stored in a player’s active inventory and their health dips below .25%, the potion will automatically be consumed. Cool-down 24-G.A.M.E.S. hours. Cost… more than most players will earn in a year outside the G.A.M.E.S.

Mystery Supplements – Available for purchase at every convenience store and mercantile counter across the G.A.M.E.S. with various formulas available for temporary boosts and buffs. Side effects may include hair loss, shrunken testicles, relaxing or tightening of the vocal cords, and anal leakage.

Armor/Gear

Super Sonic Pumps – Pair of stripper shoes that when clacked together emits a small sonic boom disorienting nearby enemies and causing health damage. Grants wearer an increase to their agility and charm.

Attacks

Cum Shot – Unique to the Fuckboy class. Transforms the player’s genitals into a small canon that fires a load of cum at the enemy, draining their stamina and mana. Inflicts the disgust debuff on anyone, friend or foe, within 10 yards for 1 minute. Attack increases as player levels up the skill.

Punch Drunk – Unarmed attacks gain 25% damage when attacker is drunk.

I am open to all suggestions… go crazy and have fun!

I'm writing an adult-themed LitRPG based around an annual MMORPG competition and I need your filthy, creative, brilliant minds. Help me brainstorm weapons, spells, armor, and attacks inspired by double entendres, puns, and the urban dictionary… the more perverse and farcical the better. I really can’t wait to see what you all come up with. Here's everything you need to know:

"Someday, SOMEDAY, SOMEDAY. Tickets now on sale for the S.W.A.L.L.O.W. EXPO! Meet your favorite adult entertainers. See product demos that will make you wet and wild. Experience the latest in AHE® immersion pod technology, now 100% compatible with the latest 40 iterations of the G.A.M.E.S. VR experience — featuring full sensory fidelity, enhanced PPE integration, and certified for the forty-third consecutive quarter free of code-transmitted super neural gonorrhea."

Five hundred years after Earth joined the Coalition of Interstellar Trade and Universal Standards the galaxy still can’t get enough of the planet’s number one export, media and entertainment. Earth culture is like diplomatic herpes — highly contagious, mostly harmless, flares up when you least expect it, and absolutely incurable. Despite the  Laws for Unincorporated Biological Encounters, the observers and handlers of Earth started inflating their credit accounts from black market transitions of Earth media, especially stuff from its golden era known as the 20^(th) and 21^(st) centuries. Practically proving the old adage…

“At least when C.O.I.T.U.S. fucks new worlds, they use L.U.B.E. first.”

No C.O.I.T.U.S. industry was more influenced by the spread of Earth culture than the adult leisure sector. With the Sex Workers Association of Labor, Licensing, Output and Wares becoming one of the early adopters of immersive At Home Entertainment options featuring Earth inspired content. The trend was so popular, it even took over the pinnacle event at the annual S.W.A.L.L.O.W. Expo, the Galactic Augmented Multiplayer Environmental Sexcapades. An event that is now broadcast live to over 100,000 C.O.I.T.U.S. worlds, with multi-quadrillion viewers tuning in for every hour of the 30-day competition hosted in Vegas, Earth the new entertainment capitol of the Milky Way.

Now, every galactic year hundreds of thousands of S.W.A.L.L.O.W. members, mainstream entertainers, influences, trendsetters, and treasure hunters pay the entrance fee for a chance to compete for fame, riches, and glory in the fully immersive, MMORPG. This year, the prizes are bigger, the sponsors more motivated, and everything about the G.A.M.E.S. is new to discourage PvP violence giving more players a chance at reaching the never before completed Boned Zone and a potential prize of 26.32 quadrillion credits. An endowment that has been growing for over five hundred years.  

Thus far I have decided on the following classes for my MMORPG:

Bull — Warrior class focused on pure offensive melee combat.

Enforcer — Monk class focused on front-line protection, crowd control, and unarmed combat.

Dominatrix — Ranger class focused on party control, protective leadership, and group attentiveness.

Hunter — Hunter class focused on resource gathering, traps, tracking, and animal taming.

Rake — Rogue class focused on stealth, speed, and precision strikes.

Hellion — Barbarian class focused on raw power, high damage output, low defense, and rage mechanics.

Masochist — Paladin class focused on tank/heal hybrid mechanics, powered by absorbing damage and dedicated service.

Stripper — Bard class focused on party support, buffs and debuffs, and social/persuasion mechanics.

Succubus — Mage class focused on pure spellcasting, high damage output, and a predatory seductive playstyle.

Sadist — Warlock class focused on dark magic, summons, debuffs, and pet mechanics.

Switch — Druid class focused on shapeshifting, versatility, and nature-based abilities.

Submissive — Cleric class focused on primary healing.

Rigger — Artificer class focused on crafting, constructs, rope specialization, and artifact/gadget creation.

Mercenary — A support class focused on hired player assistance and the player-economy.

Fuckboy — Bombardier class focused on ranged offense and defense from a safe distance.

Here are the weapons, spells, armor, and attacks I’ve come up with this far that fit the adult entertainment/MMORPG theme:

Weapons

Staff of Stability – Magical staff that can be used as a mele weapon, magical conduit, and stripper pole.

Breast Pump Machine Gun – Full automatic machine gun designed to be worn as a chest plate with the trigger worn on the hand. Allows the wearer to fire a duel barrel machine gun from their pectoral muscles.

Taste of Steel – Sword, the wielder tastes everything the sword tastes. Provides attach and charm bonuses.

Spells/Potions

No-More-Tears – The best healing potion available in the G.A.M.E.S. produced and sold by sponsor Johnson & Johnson Pharmaceuticals. Restores 100% health, stamina, and mana instantly with a 1-minute invulnerability buff. If the potion is stored in a player’s active inventory and their health dips below .25%, the potion will automatically be consumed. Cool-down 24-G.A.M.E.S. hours. Cost… more than most players will earn in a year outside the G.A.M.E.S.

Mystery Supplements – Available for purchase at every convenience store and mercantile counter across the G.A.M.E.S. with various formulas available for temporary boosts and buffs. Side effects may include hair loss, shrunken testicles, relaxing or tightening of the vocal cords, and anal leakage.

Armor/Gear

Super Sonic Pumps – Pair of stripper shoes that when clacked together emits a small sonic boom disorienting nearby enemies and causing health damage. Grants wearer an increase to their agility and charm.

Attacks

Cum Shot – Unique to the Fuckboy class. Transforms the player’s genitals into a small canon that fires a load of cum at the enemy, draining their stamina and mana. Inflicts the disgust debuff on anyone, friend or foe, within 10 yards for 1 minute. Attack increases as player levels up the skill.

Punch Drunk – Unarmed attacks gain 25% damage when attacker is drunk.

I am open to all suggestions… go crazy and have fun!

I'm writing an adult-themed LitRPG based around an annual MMORPG competition and I need your filthy, creative, brilliant minds to improve upon the list I've tried to create. Please help me brainstorm weapons, spells, armor, and attacks inspired by double entendres, puns, and the urban dictionary… the more perverse and farcical the better. I really can’t wait to see what you all come up with. Here's everything you need to know:

"Someday, SOMEDAY, SOMEDAY. Tickets now on sale for the S.W.A.L.L.O.W. EXPO! Meet your favorite adult entertainers. See product demos that will make you wet and wild. Experience the latest in AHE® immersion pod technology, now 100% compatible with the latest 40 iterations of the G.A.M.E.S. VR experience — featuring full sensory fidelity, enhanced PPE integration, and certified for the forty-third consecutive quarter free of code-transmitted super neural gonorrhea."

Five hundred years after Earth joined the Coalition of Interstellar Trade and Universal Standards the galaxy still can’t get enough of the planet’s number one export, media and entertainment. Earth culture is like diplomatic herpes — highly contagious, mostly harmless, flares up when you least expect it, and absolutely incurable. Despite the  Laws for Unincorporated Biological Encounters, the observers and handlers of Earth started inflating their credit accounts from black market transitions of Earth media, especially stuff from its golden era known as the 20^(th) and 21^(st) centuries. Practically proving the old adage…

“At least when C.O.I.T.U.S. fucks new worlds, they use L.U.B.E. first.”

No C.O.I.T.U.S. industry was more influenced by the spread of Earth culture than the adult leisure sector. With the Sex Workers Association of Labor, Licensing, Output and Wares becoming one of the early adopters of immersive At Home Entertainment options featuring Earth inspired content. The trend was so popular, it even took over the pinnacle event at the annual S.W.A.L.L.O.W. Expo, the Galactic Augmented Multiplayer Environmental Sexcapades. An event that is now broadcast live to over 100,000 C.O.I.T.U.S. worlds, with multi-quadrillion viewers tuning in for every hour of the 30-day competition hosted in Vegas, Earth the new entertainment capitol of the Milky Way.

Now, every galactic year hundreds of thousands of S.W.A.L.L.O.W. members, mainstream entertainers, influences, trendsetters, and treasure hunters pay the entrance fee for a chance to compete for fame, riches, and glory in the fully immersive, MMORPG. This year, the prizes are bigger, the sponsors more motivated, and everything about the G.A.M.E.S. is new to discourage PvP violence giving more players a chance at reaching the never before completed Boned Zone and a potential prize of 26.32 quadrillion credits. An endowment that has been growing for over five hundred years.  

Thus far I have decided on the following classes for my MMORPG:

Bull — Warrior class focused on pure offensive melee combat.

Enforcer — Monk class focused on front-line protection, crowd control, and unarmed combat.

Dominatrix — Ranger class focused on party control, protective leadership, and group attentiveness.

Hunter — Hunter class focused on resource gathering, traps, tracking, and animal taming.

Rake — Rogue class focused on stealth, speed, and precision strikes.

Hellion — Barbarian class focused on raw power, high damage output, low defense, and rage mechanics.

Masochist — Paladin class focused on tank/heal hybrid mechanics, powered by absorbing damage and dedicated service.

Stripper — Bard class focused on party support, buffs and debuffs, and social/persuasion mechanics.

Succubus — Mage class focused on pure spellcasting, high damage output, and a predatory seductive playstyle.

Sadist — Warlock class focused on dark magic, summons, debuffs, and pet mechanics.

Switch — Druid class focused on shapeshifting, versatility, and nature-based abilities.

Submissive — Cleric class focused on primary healing.

Rigger — Artificer class focused on crafting, constructs, rope specialization, and artifact/gadget creation.

Mercenary — A support class focused on hired player assistance and the player-economy.

Fuckboy — Bombardier class focused on ranged offense and defense from a safe distance.

Here are the weapons, spells, armor, and attacks I’ve come up with this far that fit the adult entertainment/MMORPG theme:

Weapons

Staff of Stability – Magical staff that can be used as a mele weapon, magical conduit, and stripper pole.

Breast Pump Machine Gun – Full automatic machine gun designed to be worn as a chest plate with the trigger worn on the hand. Allows the wearer to fire a duel barrel machine gun from their pectoral muscles.

Taste of Steel – Sword, the wielder tastes everything the sword tastes. Provides attach and charm bonuses.

Spells/Potions

No-More-Tears – The best healing potion available in the G.A.M.E.S. produced and sold by sponsor Johnson & Johnson Pharmaceuticals. Restores 100% health, stamina, and mana instantly with a 1-minute invulnerability buff. If the potion is stored in a player’s active inventory and their health dips below .25%, the potion will automatically be consumed. Cool-down 24-G.A.M.E.S. hours. Cost… more than most players will earn in a year outside the G.A.M.E.S.

Mystery Supplements – Available for purchase at every convenience store and mercantile counter across the G.A.M.E.S. with various formulas available for temporary boosts and buffs. Side effects may include hair loss, shrunken testicles, relaxing or tightening of the vocal cords, and anal leakage.

Armor/Gear

Super Sonic Pumps – Pair of stripper shoes that when clacked together emits a small sonic boom disorienting nearby enemies and causing health damage. Grants wearer an increase to their agility and charm.

Attacks

Cum Shot – Unique to the Fuckboy class. Transforms the player’s genitals into a small canon that fires a load of cum at the enemy, draining their stamina and mana. Inflicts the disgust debuff on anyone, friend or foe, within 10 yards for 1 minute. Attack increases as player levels up the skill.

Punch Drunk – Unarmed attacks gain 25% damage when attacker is drunk.

I am open to all suggestions… go crazy and have fun!

I'm writing an adult-themed LitRPG based around an annual MMORPG competition and I need your filthy, creative, brilliant minds. Help me brainstorm weapons, spells, armor, and attacks inspired by double entendres, puns, and the urban dictionary… the more perverse and farcical the better. I really can’t wait to see what you all come up with. Here's everything you need to know:

"Someday, SOMEDAY, SOMEDAY. Tickets now on sale for the S.W.A.L.L.O.W. EXPO! Meet your favorite adult entertainers. See product demos that will make you wet and wild. Experience the latest in AHE® immersion pod technology, now 100% compatible with the latest 40 iterations of the G.A.M.E.S. VR experience — featuring full sensory fidelity, enhanced PPE integration, and certified for the forty-third consecutive quarter free of code-transmitted super neural gonorrhea."

Five hundred years after Earth joined the Coalition of Interstellar Trade and Universal Standards the galaxy still can’t get enough of the planet’s number one export, media and entertainment. Earth culture is like diplomatic herpes — highly contagious, mostly harmless, flares up when you least expect it, and absolutely incurable. Despite the  Laws for Unincorporated Biological Encounters, the observers and handlers of Earth started inflating their credit accounts from black market transitions of Earth media, especially stuff from its golden era known as the 20^(th) and 21^(st) centuries. Practically proving the old adage…

“At least when C.O.I.T.U.S. fucks new worlds, they use L.U.B.E. first.”

No C.O.I.T.U.S. industry was more influenced by the spread of Earth culture than the adult leisure sector. With the Sex Workers Association of Labor, Licensing, Output and Wares becoming one of the early adopters of immersive At Home Entertainment options featuring Earth inspired content. The trend was so popular, it even took over the pinnacle event at the annual S.W.A.L.L.O.W. Expo, the Galactic Augmented Multiplayer Environmental Sexcapades. An event that is now broadcast live to over 100,000 C.O.I.T.U.S. worlds, with multi-quadrillion viewers tuning in for every hour of the 30-day competition hosted in Vegas, Earth the new entertainment capitol of the Milky Way.

Now, every galactic year hundreds of thousands of S.W.A.L.L.O.W. members, mainstream entertainers, influences, trendsetters, and treasure hunters pay the entrance fee for a chance to compete for fame, riches, and glory in the fully immersive, MMORPG. This year, the prizes are bigger, the sponsors more motivated, and everything about the G.A.M.E.S. is new to discourage PvP violence giving more players a chance at reaching the never before completed Boned Zone and a potential prize of 26.32 quadrillion credits. An endowment that has been growing for over five hundred years.  

Thus far I have decided on the following classes for my MMORPG:

Bull — Warrior class focused on pure offensive melee combat.

Enforcer — Monk class focused on front-line protection, crowd control, and unarmed combat.

Dominatrix — Ranger class focused on party control, protective leadership, and group attentiveness.

Hunter — Hunter class focused on resource gathering, traps, tracking, and animal taming.

Rake — Rogue class focused on stealth, speed, and precision strikes.

Hellion — Barbarian class focused on raw power, high damage output, low defense, and rage mechanics.

Masochist — Paladin class focused on tank/heal hybrid mechanics, powered by absorbing damage and dedicated service.

Stripper — Bard class focused on party support, buffs and debuffs, and social/persuasion mechanics.

Succubus — Mage class focused on pure spellcasting, high damage output, and a predatory seductive playstyle.

Sadist — Warlock class focused on dark magic, summons, debuffs, and pet mechanics.

Switch — Druid class focused on shapeshifting, versatility, and nature-based abilities.

Submissive — Cleric class focused on primary healing.

Rigger — Artificer class focused on crafting, constructs, rope specialization, and artifact/gadget creation.

Mercenary — A support class focused on hired player assistance and the player-economy.

Fuckboy — Bombardier class focused on ranged offense and defense from a safe distance.

Here are the weapons, spells, armor, and attacks I’ve come up with this far that fit the adult entertainment/MMORPG theme:

Weapons

Staff of Stability – Magical staff that can be used as a mele weapon, magical conduit, and stripper pole.

Breast Pump Machine Gun – Full automatic machine gun designed to be worn as a chest plate with the trigger worn on the hand. Allows the wearer to fire a duel barrel machine gun from their pectoral muscles.

Taste of Steel – Sword, the wielder tastes everything the sword tastes. Provides attach and charm bonuses.

Spells/Potions

No-More-Tears – The best healing potion available in the G.A.M.E.S. produced and sold by sponsor Johnson & Johnson Pharmaceuticals. Restores 100% health, stamina, and mana instantly with a 1-minute invulnerability buff. If the potion is stored in a player’s active inventory and their health dips below .25%, the potion will automatically be consumed. Cool-down 24-G.A.M.E.S. hours. Cost… more than most players will earn in a year outside the G.A.M.E.S.

Mystery Supplements – Available for purchase at every convenience store and mercantile counter across the G.A.M.E.S. with various formulas available for temporary boosts and buffs. Side effects may include hair loss, shrunken testicles, relaxing or tightening of the vocal cords, and anal leakage.

Armor/Gear

Super Sonic Pumps – Pair of stripper shoes that when clacked together emits a small sonic boom disorienting nearby enemies and causing health damage. Grants wearer an increase to their agility and charm.

Attacks

Cum Shot – Unique to the Fuckboy class. Transforms the player’s genitals into a small canon that fires a load of cum at the enemy, draining their stamina and mana. Inflicts the disgust debuff on anyone, friend or foe, within 10 yards for 1 minute. Attack increases as player levels up the skill.

Punch Drunk – Unarmed attacks gain 25% damage when attacker is drunk.

I am open to all suggestions… go crazy and have fun!

I'm writing an adult-themed LitRPG based around an annual MMORPG competition and I need your filthy, creative, brilliant minds. Help me brainstorm weapons, spells, armor, and attacks inspired by double entendres, puns, and the urban dictionary… the more perverse and farcical the better. I really can’t wait to see what you all come up with. Here's everything you need to know:

"Someday, SOMEDAY, SOMEDAY. Tickets now on sale for the S.W.A.L.L.O.W. EXPO! Meet your favorite adult entertainers. See product demos that will make you wet and wild. Experience the latest in AHE® immersion pod technology, now 100% compatible with the latest 40 iterations of the G.A.M.E.S. VR experience — featuring full sensory fidelity, enhanced PPE integration, and certified for the forty-third consecutive quarter free of code-transmitted super neural gonorrhea."

Five hundred years after Earth joined the Coalition of Interstellar Trade and Universal Standards the galaxy still can’t get enough of the planet’s number one export, media and entertainment. Earth culture is like diplomatic herpes — highly contagious, mostly harmless, flares up when you least expect it, and absolutely incurable. Despite the  Laws for Unincorporated Biological Encounters, the observers and handlers of Earth started inflating their credit accounts from black market transitions of Earth media, especially stuff from its golden era known as the 20^(th) and 21^(st) centuries. Practically proving the old adage…

“At least when C.O.I.T.U.S. fucks new worlds, they use L.U.B.E. first.”

No C.O.I.T.U.S. industry was more influenced by the spread of Earth culture than the adult leisure sector. With the Sex Workers Association of Labor, Licensing, Output and Wares becoming one of the early adopters of immersive At Home Entertainment options featuring Earth inspired content. The trend was so popular, it even took over the pinnacle event at the annual S.W.A.L.L.O.W. Expo, the Galactic Augmented Multiplayer Environmental Sexcapades. An event that is now broadcast live to over 100,000 C.O.I.T.U.S. worlds, with multi-quadrillion viewers tuning in for every hour of the 30-day competition hosted in Vegas, Earth the new entertainment capitol of the Milky Way.

Now, every galactic year hundreds of thousands of S.W.A.L.L.O.W. members, mainstream entertainers, influences, trendsetters, and treasure hunters pay the entrance fee for a chance to compete for fame, riches, and glory in the fully immersive, MMORPG. This year, the prizes are bigger, the sponsors more motivated, and everything about the G.A.M.E.S. is new to discourage PvP violence giving more players a chance at reaching the never before completed Boned Zone and a potential prize of 26.32 quadrillion credits. An endowment that has been growing for over five hundred years.  

Thus far I have decided on the following classes for my MMORPG:

Bull — Warrior class focused on pure offensive melee combat.

Enforcer — Monk class focused on front-line protection, crowd control, and unarmed combat.

Dominatrix — Ranger class focused on party control, protective leadership, and group attentiveness.

Hunter — Hunter class focused on resource gathering, traps, tracking, and animal taming.

Rake — Rogue class focused on stealth, speed, and precision strikes.

Hellion — Barbarian class focused on raw power, high damage output, low defense, and rage mechanics.

Masochist — Paladin class focused on tank/heal hybrid mechanics, powered by absorbing damage and dedicated service.

Stripper — Bard class focused on party support, buffs and debuffs, and social/persuasion mechanics.

Succubus — Mage class focused on pure spellcasting, high damage output, and a predatory seductive playstyle.

Sadist — Warlock class focused on dark magic, summons, debuffs, and pet mechanics.

Switch — Druid class focused on shapeshifting, versatility, and nature-based abilities.

Submissive — Cleric class focused on primary healing.

Rigger — Artificer class focused on crafting, constructs, rope specialization, and artifact/gadget creation.

Mercenary — A support class focused on hired player assistance and the player-economy.

Fuckboy — Bombardier class focused on ranged offense and defense from a safe distance.

Here are the weapons, spells, armor, and attacks I’ve come up with this far that fit the adult entertainment/MMORPG theme:

Weapons

Staff of Stability – Magical staff that can be used as a mele weapon, magical conduit, and stripper pole.

Breast Pump Machine Gun – Full automatic machine gun designed to be worn as a chest plate with the trigger worn on the hand. Allows the wearer to fire a duel barrel machine gun from their pectoral muscles.

Taste of Steel – Sword, the wielder tastes everything the sword tastes. Provides attach and charm bonuses.

Spells/Potions

No-More-Tears – The best healing potion available in the G.A.M.E.S. produced and sold by sponsor Johnson & Johnson Pharmaceuticals. Restores 100% health, stamina, and mana instantly with a 1-minute invulnerability buff. If the potion is stored in a player’s active inventory and their health dips below .25%, the potion will automatically be consumed. Cool-down 24-G.A.M.E.S. hours. Cost… more than most players will earn in a year outside the G.A.M.E.S.

Mystery Supplements – Available for purchase at every convenience store and mercantile counter across the G.A.M.E.S. with various formulas available for temporary boosts and buffs. Side effects may include hair loss, shrunken testicles, relaxing or tightening of the vocal cords, and anal leakage.

Armor/Gear

Super Sonic Pumps – Pair of stripper shoes that when clacked together emits a small sonic boom disorienting nearby enemies and causing health damage. Grants wearer an increase to their agility and charm.

Attacks

Cum Shot – Unique to the Fuckboy class. Transforms the player’s genitals into a small canon that fires a load of cum at the enemy, draining their stamina and mana. Inflicts the disgust debuff on anyone, friend or foe, within 10 yards for 1 minute. Attack increases as player levels up the skill.

Punch Drunk – Unarmed attacks gain 25% damage when attacker is drunk.

I am open to all suggestions… go crazy and have fun!

Deep breath... I've never shared my writing outside of my friend group before... I'm hoping you all will give me feedback on what you think about this as an opening chapter for an adult-themed LitRPG. Hope you enjoy and will be courteous with your feedback (tear it to shreds by all means, just be nice about it, please).

Chapter 1 – Lux - Trellzin's Junction Employee Sector

BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.

I smashed my hand down on the SMEG® battery powered alarm clock beside my bed. A rattling sounded in the vent above me.

“Turn on already,” I croaked, my throat dry.

A moment later I heard the whirl of the climate regulation system kicking up. Everything in my apartment was set to my sleep and work schedule. If I wasn't awake and in my quarters, nothing was on. Four thousand credits a year savings, just by going to sleep.

Blinking, I sat up, the faint bioluminescent glow of my mauve skin the only light in the room. Not for the first time, I wondered about the conditions that must have been present on the Sorvathi ancestral planet to have selected for such an odd evolutionary quirk. Slowly the glow faded as my body became more alert. Stretching, I got out of bed and turned on a light.

Through the shared wall, my neighbor's AHE® was blaring on full blast. The old man's kids had surprised him with the new At-Home-Entertainment® unit but hadn't sprung for the Neuroadaptor® compatible model.

"Veth... vrethikka solaan... —nnh?— ...sol, sol, SOLVETH—"

"—mmketh... vrith solaan neth—"

"—SOLVETH IKKA—!"

"Hnn hnn hnn. Hnn hnn hnn. Hnn hnn hnn hnn hnn."

The laugh track, recognizable in any language, made me smile as I removed my Neuroadaptor® stud earrings from their DockStation™ and popped them in.

"Mr. Hasheem," I yelled, banging on the wall. "Can you turn down the AHE®?"

"—she said I was inappropriate."

"Darling, you are inappropriate. That's entirely the point."

"I'm not easy. I'm simply in demand."

"Hnn hnn hnn. Hnn hnn hnn."

"Ednara, that's the difference between us. I know I'm easy. I've made my peace with it."

"Hnn hnn hnn. Hnn hnn hnn. Hnn hnn hnn hnn hnn."

The volume lowered from blaring to mild background noise.

"Thank you for being a friend, Mr. Hasheem," I shouted, as I dressed for my pre-work workout, humming the Cephalopod Golden Girls® reboot theme song. Because humanoid, reptilian, or gelatinous cube — it didn't matter, some things were universal.

I pulled on my swimsuit, gathered my long amethyst-colored hair into a tight bun, grabbed a towel, and headed out of my apartment, the Biosecure® at the door automatically locking my unit behind me. With a thought, I engaged my Neuroadaptor® and watched the mandatory three ads that allowed me to access the NeuroNet® for free, the device projecting sounds and semi-transparent holographic images as I walked the grey corridors of my sector.

A scene materialized before me — family members huddled around a hospital bed, the patient unresponsive and hooked up to beeping machines, an elderly relative weeping quietly. And looming where the doctor should have been was a reptilian man in a five-piece suit.

"Were you or a loved one negatively impacted by I.T.C.H. negligence?" he asked the middle distance, his deep, aristocratic voice overwhelming the small space. "By order of the Coalition of Interstellar Trade and Universal Standards, Civil Litigation Division, case number 7,742,891-B: Interstellar Transportation and Commercial Holdings has been found liable for negligent fold gate construction practices resulting in the unintended folding of matter, antimatter, and no fewer than three concepts previously believed to be unaffected by gravitational compression. Affected parties have until the end of the current galactic standard fiscal year to submit claims."

He produced a business card from his breast pocket and placed it on the patient's chest without looking down.

"Vreth, Vreth, and Solaan. We'll take it from here."

I groaned, mentally slamming the skip button. There was no skip button.

"Good luck, and don't fuck it up." RuPAI, the RuPaul® AI avatar, deadpanned into the camera, the split screen revealing queens watching the action backstage. "Are you telling me she doesn't know the words to the most recent remix of Galactazon?" The queens exchanged shady looks as the Galactic Drag Race® logo and theme song played. "Latest episodes of season 743 now streaming."

I snorted, mumbling to myself. "Guess she done already had herses, and fucked it up."

Five hundred years, and the galaxy still couldn't get enough. Earth culture was like diplomatic herpes — highly contagious, mostly harmless, flares up when you least expect it, and absolutely incurable.

The Galactic Drag Race® theme song ended and my last ad played.

"Someday, SOMEDAY, SOMEDAY. Tickets now on sale for the Sex Workers Association of Labor, Licensing, Output and Wares EXPO! Meet your favorite adult entertainers. See product demos that will make you wet and wild. Experience the latest in AHE® immersion pod technology, now 100% compatible with the latest 40 iterations of the Galactic Augmented Multiplayer Environmental Sexcapades VR experience — featuring full sensory fidelity, enhanced PPE integration, and certified for the forty-third consecutive quarter free of code-transmitted super neural gonorrhea. Pulsatrix NeuroPod Pro Series™. You deserve the best."

The overly excited, and most definitely roided up announcer sounded way too excited about that last bit.

I sighed. Another year gone, and I was still attending the largest adult entertainment industry event in the galaxy via a screen in my government-subsidized quarters on a C.O.I.T.U.S. limited-access virtual pass. It didn’t matter how much I begged, pleaded, and on one memorable occasion, implied consequences I had no intention of following through on — Barb in accounting was never going to approve an in-person pass. She had never, not even once, looked up from her expense reports.

Why couldn’t she see the value of sending an assistant manager of an outer rim clinic to a massively glamorous, eye-wateringly expensive, and professionally essential S.W.A.L.L.O.W. Expo? For strictly professional purposes, of course. It definitely did not have anything to do with the Sexcapades. Or the free merch.

Reaching the workout pool, I pushed the doors open and breathed in the humid, chlorine-filled air.

I put my towel down on a plastic chair, kicked off my rubber slides, and ran through my pre-swim stretches, toes curling around the pool edge. Idly, I accessed my bank account through my Neuroadaptor®, the details floating in front of me.

Legal Name: Aluxsavienne Narawannis

Galactic Translator Common Name: Lux

Galactic Credit Score: 742/1000

Account Number: GCU-TJ-44729-SORV-0028

Galactic Credits Account Balance: ʢ3,849.66

Available Galactic Credits: ʢ2,786.74

Pending Transactions

S.W.A.L.L.O.W. Monthly Dues: ʢ50.03

C.O.I.T.U.S. Employee Housing Sustainment: ʢ750.62

Papa Speedy Pizza Rocket: ʢ12.33

WholeNutrition Grocers: ʢ158.94

Neuroadaptor® Premium Subscription™: ʢ85.49

Duck-ee's Convenience Junction: ʢ5.24

Galactic Savings Account Balance: ʢ227,392.00

I dove into the water and took my first satisfying breath since waking. My dermal capillaries, which everyone mistook for indigo-colored freckles, opened, rushing oxygenated water into my body, rehydrating organs parched from a night of nothing but recycled station air.

As I swam my first lap of the pool, I mentally clicked on my PersonalDrive® and found the Sexcapades folder, pulling up my daily devotional.

G.A.M.E.S. Entry — Budget Research v.14 | All figures in Galactic Credits (ʢ) | SECURED funds excluded from GAP calculation

For ten years I had been saving for the sole purpose of competing in the Sexcapades.

To most people the G.A.M.E.S. were just a fun reality program — the galaxy's favorite Earth sports broadcast, Survivor®, crossed with an immersive VR experience that let viewers at home follow all the action. Licensed and produced by the Public Universal Broadcasting of Immersive Content, it was also part of their AHE® experience, where every contestant was preserved for posterity. Or at least until the next run.

Competing in the G.A.M.E.S. meant a way out. Not just out of Trellzin's Junction — though gods, yes, that too — but out of the particular flavor of slow suffocation that comes with being moderately competent at a job I never intended to keep. A good run meant licensing deals, sponsorships, never having to justify another expense report to Barb for as long as I lived.

I had planned to compete since I was sixteen. Honestly, with a name like Aluxsavienne, what other career options did I really have. That first contract at the clinic had gotten me off my home planet, out of the Perseus's armpit station park that ma'ma raised me in. Technically, I was closer to the inner rim — but really, I was still stuck in nowhere, just with a government paycheck.

I had taken the job at the clinic because I.T.C.H. was going to build a fold gate. Everyone said so. The permits were filed, the press releases were sent, and for approximately eighteen months it had been a very exciting time to be a service worker on the future site of the Trellzin Exchange Perseus Arm Fold Gate.

Then I.T.C.H. folded something they shouldn't have at the Icarus Exchange, and the gate, the luxury transporter job, and my exit strategy folded right along with it.

Instead, Trellzin's Junction had quietly been sold off in a fire sale to Duck-ee's, the Milky Way equivalent of a BJ and the Bear-style intergalactic truck stop, leaving me two weeks from the nearest Exchange and in need of a minimum — a MINIMUM — of ʢ230,000 credits to arrive at S.W.A.L.L.O.W. as a serious contender.

The ass-sucking-boot-licking-slowly-stealing-my-soul-manager position had always been temporary. I was just waiting for it to realize that.

Making my second turn in the pool, I reviewed my first spreadsheet.

TABLE 1 — TRAVEL

LINE ITEM	MINIMUM	PREFERRED	STRETCH
Conventional drive — outbound (Trellzin's Junction → Fold Exchange)	ʢ800	ʢ1,200	ʢ2,000
Fold transit — outbound (Fold Exchange → Las Vegas, Earth)	ʢ7,500	ʢ9,500	ʢ14,000
Lost salary — unpaid days in transit	ʢ25,280	ʢ15,800	ʢ11,060
Lost side hustle — est. conservative	ʢ7,000	ʢ5,000	ʢ3,500
SUBTOTAL	ʢ40,580	ʢ31,500	ʢ30,560

6 weeks paid leave covers the first 42 days at ʢ316/day = ʢ13,272 recovered. The remaining 50 days are on me. This is what 3 years w/o a vacation looks like. [note to self: the side hustle offset is theoretical. Do not count theoretical money.]

Travel to Las Vegas could be comfortable, fast, or affordable — pick two, but fast and affordable are incompatible options. Which meant traveling in style actually saved me money because it cut down on the amount of time I was in transit. High ticket cost, fewer days not working. Lower ticket cost, more days where I had to pay my own way.

Another lap, another spreadsheet.

TABLE 2 — S.W.A.L.L.O.W.EXPO

LINE ITEM	MINIMUM	PREFERRED	STRETCH
Entry badge*	ʢ1,800	ʢ1,800	ʢ1,800
Accommodation — EXPO pre-G.A.M.E.S. (est. 2 weeks)	ʢ2,800	ʢ3,500	ʢ5,600
Food & daily expenses — EXPO period	ʢ1,400	ʢ2,100	ʢ3,500
Industry events & networking	ʢ800	ʢ2,500	ʢ6,000
G.A.M.E.S. reveal event	ʢ200	ʢ200	ʢ200
PPE fashion show [research, definitely not shameless gawking]	ʢ150	ʢ150	ʢ150
SUBTOTAL	ʢ7,150	ʢ10,250	ʢ17,250

*S.W.A.L.L.O.W. registered member discount applied. Same rate across all tiers. One thing that doesn't fuck you for being space trash.

Once off Trellzin's Junction my expenses would still be considerable, depending on how I wanted to experience the EXPO, and I definitely wanted to experience the EXPO. So, now that I was attending, live, in person, and on my own hard-earned credit, I was going to experience the FUCK out of every moment. I absolutely wanted to stay in the main event hotel, that was my "PREFERRED" line item, but I could settle for a lesser venue if I really needed to.

My "STRETCH" goal for Vegas accommodations was a VIP lodging package that included the latest Pulsatrix NeuroPod Pro Series™ private VR experience right in the room, the same model that would be used in the G.A.M.E.S. This was the line item that I really wanted to stretch for. Though I knew access to the networking events would be more beneficial, as these were events aimed at introducing contestants to sponsors and brands looking for in-G.A.M.E.S. talent. Those passes had the potential to be my most lucrative investment.

I smiled, feeling the water rush over my skin as I reviewed the next tab.

TABLE 3 — G.A.M.E.S. SETUP

LINE ITEM	MINIMUM	PREFERRED	STRETCH
Entry fee	[SECURED ʢ25,000]	[SECURED ʢ25,000]	[SECURED ʢ25,000]
Character build package	ʢ15,000	ʢ40,000	ʢ100,000
Entry point selection	ʢ10,000	ʢ25,000	ʢ50,000
Intelligence package	ʢ5,000	ʢ20,000	ʢ50,000
Starting gear loadout	ʢ1,500	ʢ5,000	ʢ12,000
Inventory slot upgrades	ʢ3,000	ʢ8,000	ʢ20,000
In-GAME broadcasting license	ʢ4,000	ʢ7,000	ʢ10,000
Game Host activation — mid-range + in-GAME access bonus	ʢ3,000	ʢ6,000	ʢ16,000
SUBTOTAL	ʢ41,500	ʢ111,000	ʢ258,000

Entry fee excluded from subtotal and GAP calculation — already secured. Do not touch. Has never been touched. Will not be touched. DO NOT LOOK UP CURRENT VALUE (it will only make you cry)

I had secured my entry code for the Sexcapades the day I turned eighteen. Ma'ma had died two months before. An industrial accident at the processing plant we both worked at — the dependent death benefit check had been just enough.

P.U.B.I.C. entry codes never expired, could not be invalidated, and were 100% transferable as mandated by C.O.I.T.U.S. to accommodate inter-system time delays and dimensional variances. This had created a highly speculative black market, since all a participant had to do was show up, in person, and redeem the code, a feature not a bug that P.U.B.I.C. exploited whenever it saw fit to shit on the market. My early purchase of G.A.M.E.S. entry was the smartest thing I ever did with ʢ25,000.

 

My code, A72.800.579.AGF.95411.C, had already increased in value to ʢ37,500. Not that I had ever looked. I would sell a kidney before I ever sold my entry code into the G.A.M.E.S. Though, admittedly, a Sorvathian kidney in good health was only worth about ʢ7,500 on the black market… not that I had ever checked.

 

Another turn in the pool, another lap before work, another spreadsheet to remind myself why I was willing to put up with this shithole of a Junction and dead end, thankless job.

TABLE 4 — G.A.M.E.S. ONGOING

LINE ITEM	MINIMUM (×10)	PREFERRED (×12)	STRETCH (×15)
Elimination Lounge	ʢ50,000	ʢ78,000	ʢ120,000
Personal space	ʢ10,000	ʢ12,000	ʢ15,000
In-game gear upgrades & microtransactions	ʢ10,000	ʢ25,000	ʢ60,000
Emergency gear replacement	ʢ3,000	ʢ8,000	ʢ20,000
Multi-portals to personal space	ʢ3,000	ʢ8,400	ʢ22,500
Minimap + location assist	ʢ4,000	ʢ12,000	ʢ30,000
Spectator interaction channel	ʢ2,000	ʢ6,000	ʢ15,000
Game Host assistant upgrade per-break fee	ʢ5,000	ʢ12,000	ʢ30,000
SUBTOTAL	ʢ87,000	ʢ161,400	ʢ312,500

[note to self: budgeted for 10 breaks minimum, 12 preferred, 15 because something always goes wrong. Hoping not to need all of them.]

P.U.B.I.C. took a perverse delight in credit-crunching contestants. Everything cost credits. Starting position? Pay a fee. Armor repair mid-battle? Pay a fee. Top off your health bar? Pay a fee. And of course, this being the Sexcapades, galactic standard credits weren't always the only currency accepted. As the old saying goes, "ass, cash, or grass. Nobody rides for free."

Then there was the Elimination Lounge — where dead contestants spent the remainder of the run and active players took their C.O.I.T.U.S. mandated rest breaks. Like everything about the Sexcapades, it was tiered. The standard level was protein pucks and prison industry minimalism, the equivalent of a burnt pot of black coffee — good enough if you couldn't afford anything else, while the VIP end was celebrity chefs, private suites, and luxuries I’d have never dreamt up in a million galactic standard years.

I was aiming for somewhere in the middle. Access to the NeuroNet®, a Game Host, and a private sleeping pod. Anyone who didn't buy at least a mid-tier package wasn't a serious contender. Anyone who bought higher was either a celebrity or selling something.

TABLE 5 — PPE

LINE ITEM	MINIMUM	PREFERRED	STRETCH
Firewall upgrade — above C.O.I.T.U.S. baseline	ʢ3,000	ʢ8,000	ʢ20,000
In-game consumable PPE	ʢ5,000	ʢ12,000	ʢ30,000
Code corruption protection	ʢ4,000	ʢ10,000	ʢ25,000
Real world PPE	ʢ40	ʢ120	ʢ250
SUBTOTAL	ʢ12,040	ʢ30,120	ʢ75,250

MINIMUM = functional. PREFERRED = current season consumables, mid-tier corruption coverage, prepared like a professional. STRETCH = matching legendary set bonus territory, premium everything. [note to self: I looked up the set bonus. I am not thinking about the set bonus.]

PPE was non-negotiable.

This was the Galactic Augmented Multiplayer Environmental Sexcapades after all. No player stepped into their VR pod without at least some layer of Protective Penetration Equipment. While the Sexcapades did include a minimum firewall layer as required by C.O.I.T.U.S., there had simply been too many instances of corrupted code and inadvertent viral loads wreaking havoc across past runs, including more than one case of sexually transmitted brain infections. Only bug chasers dared enter the G.A.M.E.S. without at least the mental equivalent of a condom.

With a grimace, I pulled up my last spreadsheet.

TABLE 6 — CONTINGENCY

LINE ITEM	MINIMUM	PREFERRED	STRETCH
Return transit — if required (Las Vegas → Fold Exchange)	ʢ7,500	ʢ9,500	ʢ14,000
Return transit — please don’t be required (Fold Exchange → Trellzin's Junction)	ʢ800	ʢ1,200	ʢ2,000
Rent — held in reserve (3 months), without employment subsidy	ʢ4,500	ʢ4,500	ʢ4,500
Utilities (3 months)	ʢ900	ʢ900	ʢ900
Food auto-delivery (3 months)	ʢ2,600	ʢ2,600	ʢ2,600
S.W.A.L.L.O.W. membership dues	ʢ150	ʢ150	ʢ150
T.I.T.S. monthly health certification	ʢ405	ʢ405	ʢ405
Whatever I've forgotten	ʢ5,000	ʢ5,000	ʢ5,000
SUBTOTAL	ʢ21,855	ʢ24,255	ʢ29,555

Because something always goes wrong – ALWAYS - Identical across all tiers. This is the floor. This is what practical looks like. DO NOT attend G.A.M.E.S. without full contingency!!!!!

Competing in the Sexcapades was a risk, one I had been preparing for since I was sixteen. If I didn't make a good showing, didn't get deep enough into the G.A.M.E.S., I risked being stuck on Trellzin's Junction until I could save up for off-system transport again, or until I could find a new job that didn't conflict with my C.O.I.T.U.S. non-compete employment clause.

I pulled myself from the pool, toweled off, and padded back through the bleak corridors of my sector. The last item on my daily devotional floated into view as I walked.

GRAND TOTAL SUMMARY — G.A.M.E.S. Entry — Budget Research v.14

CATEGORY	MINIMUM	PREFERRED	STRETCH
Travel	ʢ40,580	ʢ31,500	ʢ30,560
S.W.A.L.L.O.W. Expo	ʢ7,150	ʢ10,250	ʢ17,250
G.A.M.E.S. Setup	ʢ41,500	ʢ111,000	ʢ258,000
G.A.M.E.S. Ongoing	ʢ87,000	ʢ161,400	ʢ312,500
PPE	ʢ12,040	ʢ30,120	ʢ75,250
Contingency	ʢ21,855	ʢ24,255	ʢ29,555
TOTAL	ʢ210,125	ʢ368,525	ʢ723,115
SECURED — entry fee	ʢ25,000	ʢ25,000	ʢ25,000
GRAND TOTAL	ʢ235,125	ʢ393,525	ʢ748,115
Current savings	ʢ227,392	ʢ227,392	ʢ227,392
Less: SECURED	-ʢ25,000	-ʢ25,000	-ʢ25,000
Available	ʢ202,392	ʢ202,392	ʢ202,392
GAP	ʢ-6,733	ʢ166,133	ʢ520,723
PROGRESS TOWARD PREFERRED	▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓░░░░░░░░░░░	55%

 

I had just passed my MINIMUM required credits; it had taken ten years, but as of today,  I had saved up ʢ227,392. Low-level contender achievement, unlocked. Within three years, two if I really buckled down, I would be able to make it to Vegas, the Sexcapades, and the rest of my life.

As I approached my apartment, the Biosecure® scanner sensed me and unlocked my door. Walking inside, I could still hear Mr. Hasheem's AHE® — he had turned it back up and was now watching what sounded like an original episode of I Love Lucy. I chuckled. 25:45. My shift would start in thirty minutes, just enough time to shower and walk the five minutes to the Trellzin's Junction Visitor Center where the clinic was located.

Mentally, I asked my NeuroNet® to raise the blinds on my viewing port in my combination sitting room kitchen — very chic, very open concept, very service employee minimalist.

The room filled with a pulsating yellow light.

"What-the-fuck…"

I took two long strides to the viewing port, pressing my hands and face to the thick shielding. A giant, yellow, smiling rubber duck with an orange bill and the unsettling, vacant stare of something that had never once questioned its own existence floated past my sector of the station. The monstrosity was being kept aloft by four subspace construction drones and had to be larger than an inter-planetary cargo hauler.

"WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK—"

I had the idea to have quite a few visual gags in the first chapter, including the overuse of registered trademark symbols and budgeting charts. What do you think? Does it help develop the world? Does this format make you curious about the events I'm teasing out? Do you want to know more about my MC? Any feedback or critique would be appreciated.

Chapter 1 – Lux - Trellzin's Junction Employee Sector

BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.

I smashed my hand down on the SMEG® battery powered alarm clock beside my bed. A rattling sounded in the vent above me.

“Turn on already,” I croaked, my throat dry.

A moment later I heard the whirl of the climate regulation system kicking up. Everything in my apartment was set to my sleep and work schedule. If I wasn't awake and in my quarters, nothing was on. Four thousand credits a year savings, just by going to sleep.

Blinking, I sat up, the faint bioluminescent glow of my mauve skin the only light in the room. Not for the first time, I wondered about the conditions that must have been present on the Sorvathi ancestral planet to have selected for such an odd evolutionary quirk. Slowly the glow faded as my body became more alert. Stretching, I got out of bed and turned on a light.

Through the shared wall, my neighbor's AHE® was blaring on full blast. The old man's kids had surprised him with the new At-Home-Entertainment® unit but hadn't sprung for the Neuroadaptor® compatible model.

"Veth... vrethikka solaan... —nnh?— ...sol, sol, SOLVETH—"

"—mmketh... vrith solaan neth—"

"—SOLVETH IKKA—!"

"Hnn hnn hnn. Hnn hnn hnn. Hnn hnn hnn hnn hnn."

The laugh track, recognizable in any language, made me smile as I removed my Neuroadaptor® stud earrings from their DockStation™ and popped them in.

"Mr. Hasheem," I yelled, banging on the wall. "Can you turn down the AHE®?"

"—she said I was inappropriate."

"Darling, you are inappropriate. That's entirely the point."

"I'm not easy. I'm simply in demand."

"Hnn hnn hnn. Hnn hnn hnn."

"Ednara, that's the difference between us. I know I'm easy. I've made my peace with it."

"Hnn hnn hnn. Hnn hnn hnn. Hnn hnn hnn hnn hnn."

The volume lowered from blaring to mild background noise.

"Thank you for being a friend, Mr. Hasheem," I shouted, as I dressed for my pre-work workout, humming the Cephalopod Golden Girls® reboot theme song. Because humanoid, reptilian, or gelatinous cube — it didn't matter, some things were universal.

I pulled on my swimsuit, gathered my long amethyst-colored hair into a tight bun, grabbed a towel, and headed out of my apartment, the Biosecure® at the door automatically locking my unit behind me. With a thought, I engaged my Neuroadaptor® and watched the mandatory three ads that allowed me to access the NeuroNet® for free, the device projecting sounds and semi-transparent holographic images as I walked the grey corridors of my sector.

A scene materialized before me — family members huddled around a hospital bed, the patient unresponsive and hooked up to beeping machines, an elderly relative weeping quietly. And looming where the doctor should have been was a reptilian man in a five-piece suit.

"Were you or a loved one negatively impacted by I.T.C.H. negligence?" he asked the middle distance, his deep, aristocratic voice overwhelming the small space. "By order of the Coalition of Interstellar Trade and Universal Standards, Civil Litigation Division, case number 7,742,891-B: Interstellar Transportation and Commercial Holdings has been found liable for negligent fold gate construction practices resulting in the unintended folding of matter, antimatter, and no fewer than three concepts previously believed to be unaffected by gravitational compression. Affected parties have until the end of the current galactic standard fiscal year to submit claims."

He produced a business card from his breast pocket and placed it on the patient's chest without looking down.

"Vreth, Vreth, and Solaan. We'll take it from here."

I groaned, mentally slamming the skip button. There was no skip button.

"Good luck, and don't fuck it up." RuPAI, the RuPaul® AI avatar, deadpanned into the camera, the split screen revealing queens watching the action backstage. "Are you telling me she doesn't know the words to the most recent remix of Galactazon?" The queens exchanged shady looks as the Galactic Drag Race® logo and theme song played. "Latest episodes of season 743 now streaming."

I snorted, mumbling to myself. "Guess she done already had herses, and fucked it up."

Five hundred years, and the galaxy still couldn't get enough. Earth culture was like diplomatic herpes — highly contagious, mostly harmless, flares up when you least expect it, and absolutely incurable.

The Galactic Drag Race® theme song ended and my last ad played.

"Someday, SOMEDAY, SOMEDAY. Tickets now on sale for the Sex Workers Association of Labor, Licensing, Output and Wares EXPO! Meet your favorite adult entertainers. See product demos that will make you wet and wild. Experience the latest in AHE® immersion pod technology, now 100% compatible with the latest 40 iterations of the Galactic Augmented Multiplayer Environmental Sexcapades VR experience — featuring full sensory fidelity, enhanced PPE integration, and certified for the forty-third consecutive quarter free of code-transmitted super neural gonorrhea. Pulsatrix NeuroPod Pro Series™. You deserve the best."

The overly excited, and most definitely roided up announcer sounded way too excited about that last bit.

I sighed. Another year gone, and I was still attending the largest adult entertainment industry event in the galaxy via a screen in my government-subsidized quarters on a C.O.I.T.U.S. limited-access virtual pass. It didn’t matter how much I begged, pleaded, and on one memorable occasion, implied consequences I had no intention of following through on — Barb in accounting was never going to approve an in-person pass. She had never, not even once, looked up from her expense reports.

Why couldn’t she see the value of sending an assistant manager of an outer rim clinic to a massively glamorous, eye-wateringly expensive, and professionally essential S.W.A.L.L.O.W. Expo? For strictly professional purposes, of course. It definitely did not have anything to do with the Sexcapades. Or the free merch.

Reaching the workout pool, I pushed the doors open and breathed in the humid, chlorine-filled air.

I put my towel down on a plastic chair, kicked off my rubber slides, and ran through my pre-swim stretches, toes curling around the pool edge. Idly, I accessed my bank account through my Neuroadaptor®, the details floating in front of me.

Legal Name: Aluxsavienne Narawannis

Galactic Translator Common Name: Lux

Galactic Credit Score: 742/1000

Account Number: GCU-TJ-44729-SORV-0028

Galactic Credits Account Balance: ʢ3,849.66

Available Galactic Credits: ʢ2,786.74

Pending Transactions

S.W.A.L.L.O.W. Monthly Dues: ʢ50.03

C.O.I.T.U.S. Employee Housing Sustainment: ʢ750.62

Papa Speedy Pizza Rocket: ʢ12.33

WholeNutrition Grocers: ʢ158.94

Neuroadaptor® Premium Subscription™: ʢ85.49

Duck-ee's Convenience Junction: ʢ5.24

Galactic Savings Account Balance: ʢ227,392.00

I dove into the water and took my first satisfying breath since waking. My dermal capillaries, which everyone mistook for indigo-colored freckles, opened, rushing oxygenated water into my body, rehydrating organs parched from a night of nothing but recycled station air.

As I swam my first lap of the pool, I mentally clicked on my PersonalDrive® and found the Sexcapades folder, pulling up my daily devotional.

G.A.M.E.S. Entry — Budget Research v.14 | All figures in Galactic Credits (ʢ) | SECURED funds excluded from GAP calculation

For ten years I had been saving for the sole purpose of competing in the Sexcapades.

To most people the G.A.M.E.S. were just a fun reality program — the galaxy's favorite Earth sports broadcast, Survivor®, crossed with an immersive VR experience that let viewers at home follow all the action. Licensed and produced by the Public Universal Broadcasting of Immersive Content, it was also part of their AHE® experience, where every contestant was preserved for posterity. Or at least until the next run.

Competing in the G.A.M.E.S. meant a way out. Not just out of Trellzin's Junction — though gods, yes, that too — but out of the particular flavor of slow suffocation that comes with being moderately competent at a job I never intended to keep. A good run meant licensing deals, sponsorships, never having to justify another expense report to Barb for as long as I lived.

I had planned to compete since I was sixteen. Honestly, with a name like Aluxsavienne, what other career options did I really have. That first contract at the clinic had gotten me off my home planet, out of the Perseus's armpit station park that ma'ma raised me in. Technically, I was closer to the inner rim — but really, I was still stuck in nowhere, just with a government paycheck.

I had taken the job at the clinic because I.T.C.H. was going to build a fold gate. Everyone said so. The permits were filed, the press releases were sent, and for approximately eighteen months it had been a very exciting time to be a service worker on the future site of the Trellzin Exchange Perseus Arm Fold Gate.

Then I.T.C.H. folded something they shouldn't have at the Icarus Exchange, and the gate, the luxury transporter job, and my exit strategy folded right along with it.

Instead, Trellzin's Junction had quietly been sold off in a fire sale to Duck-ee's, the Milky Way equivalent of a BJ and the Bear-style intergalactic truck stop, leaving me two weeks from the nearest Exchange and in need of a minimum — a MINIMUM — of ʢ230,000 credits to arrive at S.W.A.L.L.O.W. as a serious contender.

The ass-sucking-boot-licking-slowly-stealing-my-soul-manager position had always been temporary. I was just waiting for it to realize that.

Making my second turn in the pool, I reviewed my first spreadsheet.

TABLE 1 — TRAVEL

LINE ITEM	MINIMUM	PREFERRED	STRETCH
Conventional drive — outbound (Trellzin's Junction → Fold Exchange)	ʢ800	ʢ1,200	ʢ2,000
Fold transit — outbound (Fold Exchange → Las Vegas, Earth)	ʢ7,500	ʢ9,500	ʢ14,000
Lost salary — unpaid days in transit	ʢ25,280	ʢ15,800	ʢ11,060
Lost side hustle — est. conservative	ʢ7,000	ʢ5,000	ʢ3,500
SUBTOTAL	ʢ40,580	ʢ31,500	ʢ30,560

6 weeks paid leave covers the first 42 days at ʢ316/day = ʢ13,272 recovered. The remaining 50 days are on me. This is what 3 years w/o a vacation looks like. [note to self: the side hustle offset is theoretical. Do not count theoretical money.]

Travel to Las Vegas could be comfortable, fast, or affordable — pick two, but fast and affordable are incompatible options. Which meant traveling in style actually saved me money because it cut down on the amount of time I was in transit. High ticket cost, fewer days not working. Lower ticket cost, more days where I had to pay my own way.

Another lap, another spreadsheet.

TABLE 2 — S.W.A.L.L.O.W.EXPO

LINE ITEM	MINIMUM	PREFERRED	STRETCH
Entry badge*	ʢ1,800	ʢ1,800	ʢ1,800
Accommodation — EXPO pre-G.A.M.E.S. (est. 2 weeks)	ʢ2,800	ʢ3,500	ʢ5,600
Food & daily expenses — EXPO period	ʢ1,400	ʢ2,100	ʢ3,500
Industry events & networking	ʢ800	ʢ2,500	ʢ6,000
G.A.M.E.S. reveal event	ʢ200	ʢ200	ʢ200
PPE fashion show [research, definitely not shameless gawking]	ʢ150	ʢ150	ʢ150
SUBTOTAL	ʢ7,150	ʢ10,250	ʢ17,250

*S.W.A.L.L.O.W. registered member discount applied. Same rate across all tiers. One thing that doesn't fuck you for being space trash.

Once off Trellzin's Junction my expenses would still be considerable, depending on how I wanted to experience the EXPO, and I definitely wanted to experience the EXPO. So, now that I was attending, live, in person, and on my own hard-earned credit, I was going to experience the FUCK out of every moment. I absolutely wanted to stay in the main event hotel, that was my "PREFERRED" line item, but I could settle for a lesser venue if I really needed to.

My "STRETCH" goal for Vegas accommodations was a VIP lodging package that included the latest Pulsatrix NeuroPod Pro Series™ private VR experience right in the room, the same model that would be used in the G.A.M.E.S. This was the line item that I really wanted to stretch for. Though I knew access to the networking events would be more beneficial, as these were events aimed at introducing contestants to sponsors and brands looking for in-G.A.M.E.S. talent. Those passes had the potential to be my most lucrative investment.

I smiled, feeling the water rush over my skin as I reviewed the next tab.

TABLE 3 — G.A.M.E.S. SETUP

LINE ITEM	MINIMUM	PREFERRED	STRETCH
Entry fee	[SECURED ʢ25,000]	[SECURED ʢ25,000]	[SECURED ʢ25,000]
Character build package	ʢ15,000	ʢ40,000	ʢ100,000
Entry point selection	ʢ10,000	ʢ25,000	ʢ50,000
Intelligence package	ʢ5,000	ʢ20,000	ʢ50,000
Starting gear loadout	ʢ1,500	ʢ5,000	ʢ12,000
Inventory slot upgrades	ʢ3,000	ʢ8,000	ʢ20,000
In-GAME broadcasting license	ʢ4,000	ʢ7,000	ʢ10,000
Game Host activation — mid-range + in-GAME access bonus	ʢ3,000	ʢ6,000	ʢ16,000
SUBTOTAL	ʢ41,500	ʢ111,000	ʢ258,000

Entry fee excluded from subtotal and GAP calculation — already secured. Do not touch. Has never been touched. Will not be touched. DO NOT LOOK UP CURRENT VALUE (it will only make you cry)

I had secured my entry code for the Sexcapades the day I turned eighteen. Ma'ma had died two months before. An industrial accident at the processing plant we both worked at — the dependent death benefit check had been just enough.

P.U.B.I.C. entry codes never expired, could not be invalidated, and were 100% transferable as mandated by C.O.I.T.U.S. to accommodate inter-system time delays and dimensional variances. This had created a highly speculative black market, since all a participant had to do was show up, in person, and redeem the code, a feature not a bug that P.U.B.I.C. exploited whenever it saw fit to shit on the market. My early purchase of G.A.M.E.S. entry was the smartest thing I ever did with ʢ25,000.

My code, A72.800.579.AGF.95411.C, had already increased in value to ʢ37,500. Not that I had ever looked. I would sell a kidney before I ever sold my entry code into the G.A.M.E.S. Though, admittedly, a Sorvathian kidney in good health was only worth about ʢ7,500 on the black market… not that I had ever checked.

Another turn in the pool, another lap before work, another spreadsheet to remind myself why I was willing to put up with this shithole of a Junction and dead end, thankless job.

TABLE 4 — G.A.M.E.S. ONGOING

LINE ITEM	MINIMUM (×10)	PREFERRED (×12)	STRETCH (×15)
Elimination Lounge	ʢ50,000	ʢ78,000	ʢ120,000
Personal space	ʢ10,000	ʢ12,000	ʢ15,000
In-game gear upgrades & microtransactions	ʢ10,000	ʢ25,000	ʢ60,000
Emergency gear replacement	ʢ3,000	ʢ8,000	ʢ20,000
Multi-portals to personal space	ʢ3,000	ʢ8,400	ʢ22,500
Minimap + location assist	ʢ4,000	ʢ12,000	ʢ30,000
Spectator interaction channel	ʢ2,000	ʢ6,000	ʢ15,000
Game Host assistant upgrade per-break fee	ʢ5,000	ʢ12,000	ʢ30,000
SUBTOTAL	ʢ87,000	ʢ161,400	ʢ312,500

[note to self: budgeted for 10 breaks minimum, 12 preferred, 15 because something always goes wrong. Hoping not to need all of them.]

P.U.B.I.C. took a perverse delight in credit-crunching contestants. Everything cost credits. Starting position? Pay a fee. Armor repair mid-battle? Pay a fee. Top off your health bar? Pay a fee. And of course, this being the Sexcapades, galactic standard credits weren't always the only currency accepted. As the old saying goes, "ass, cash, or grass. Nobody rides for free."

Then there was the Elimination Lounge — where dead contestants spent the remainder of the run and active players took their C.O.I.T.U.S. mandated rest breaks. Like everything about the Sexcapades, it was tiered. The standard level was protein pucks and prison industry minimalism, the equivalent of a burnt pot of black coffee — good enough if you couldn't afford anything else, while the VIP end was celebrity chefs, private suites, and luxuries I’d have never dreamt up in a million galactic standard years.

I was aiming for somewhere in the middle. Access to the NeuroNet®, a Game Host, and a private sleeping pod. Anyone who didn't buy at least a mid-tier package wasn't a serious contender. Anyone who bought higher was either a celebrity or selling something.

TABLE 5 — PPE

LINE ITEM	MINIMUM	PREFERRED	STRETCH
Firewall upgrade — above C.O.I.T.U.S. baseline	ʢ3,000	ʢ8,000	ʢ20,000
In-game consumable PPE	ʢ5,000	ʢ12,000	ʢ30,000
Code corruption protection	ʢ4,000	ʢ10,000	ʢ25,000
Real world PPE	ʢ40	ʢ120	ʢ250
SUBTOTAL	ʢ12,040	ʢ30,120	ʢ75,250

MINIMUM = functional. PREFERRED = current season consumables, mid-tier corruption coverage, prepared like a professional. STRETCH = matching legendary set bonus territory, premium everything. [note to self: I looked up the set bonus. I am not thinking about the set bonus.]

PPE was non-negotiable.

This was the Galactic Augmented Multiplayer Environmental Sexcapades after all. No player stepped into their VR pod without at least some layer of Protective Penetration Equipment. While the Sexcapades did include a minimum firewall layer as required by C.O.I.T.U.S., there had simply been too many instances of corrupted code and inadvertent viral loads wreaking havoc across past runs, including more than one case of sexually transmitted brain infections. Only bug chasers dared enter the G.A.M.E.S. without at least the mental equivalent of a condom.

With a grimace, I pulled up my last spreadsheet.

TABLE 6 — CONTINGENCY

LINE ITEM	MINIMUM	PREFERRED	STRETCH
Return transit — if required (Las Vegas → Fold Exchange)	ʢ7,500	ʢ9,500	ʢ14,000
Return transit — please don’t be required (Fold Exchange → Trellzin's Junction)	ʢ800	ʢ1,200	ʢ2,000
Rent — held in reserve (3 months), without employment subsidy	ʢ4,500	ʢ4,500	ʢ4,500
Utilities (3 months)	ʢ900	ʢ900	ʢ900
Food auto-delivery (3 months)	ʢ2,600	ʢ2,600	ʢ2,600
S.W.A.L.L.O.W. membership dues	ʢ150	ʢ150	ʢ150
T.I.T.S. monthly health certification	ʢ405	ʢ405	ʢ405
Whatever I've forgotten	ʢ5,000	ʢ5,000	ʢ5,000
SUBTOTAL	ʢ21,855	ʢ24,255	ʢ29,555

Because something always goes wrong – ALWAYS - Identical across all tiers. This is the floor. This is what practical looks like. DO NOT attend G.A.M.E.S. without full contingency!!!!!

Competing in the Sexcapades was a risk, one I had been preparing for since I was sixteen. If I didn't make a good showing, didn't get deep enough into the G.A.M.E.S., I risked being stuck on Trellzin's Junction until I could save up for off-system transport again, or until I could find a new job that didn't conflict with my C.O.I.T.U.S. non-compete employment clause.

I pulled myself from the pool, toweled off, and padded back through the bleak corridors of my sector. The last item on my daily devotional floated into view as I walked.

GRAND TOTAL SUMMARY — G.A.M.E.S. Entry — Budget Research v.14

CATEGORY	MINIMUM	PREFERRED	STRETCH
Travel	ʢ40,580	ʢ31,500	ʢ30,560
S.W.A.L.L.O.W. Expo	ʢ7,150	ʢ10,250	ʢ17,250
G.A.M.E.S. Setup	ʢ41,500	ʢ111,000	ʢ258,000
G.A.M.E.S. Ongoing	ʢ87,000	ʢ161,400	ʢ312,500
PPE	ʢ12,040	ʢ30,120	ʢ75,250
Contingency	ʢ21,855	ʢ24,255	ʢ29,555
TOTAL	ʢ210,125	ʢ368,525	ʢ723,115
SECURED — entry fee	ʢ25,000	ʢ25,000	ʢ25,000
GRAND TOTAL	ʢ235,125	ʢ393,525	ʢ748,115
Current savings	ʢ227,392	ʢ227,392	ʢ227,392
Less: SECURED	-ʢ25,000	-ʢ25,000	-ʢ25,000
Available	ʢ202,392	ʢ202,392	ʢ202,392
GAP	ʢ-6,733	ʢ166,133	ʢ520,723
PROGRESS TOWARD PREFERRED	▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓░░░░░░░░░░░	55%

I had just passed my MINIMUM required credits; it had taken ten years, but as of today,  I had saved up ʢ227,392. Low-level contender achievement, unlocked. Within three years, two if I really buckled down, I would be able to make it to Vegas, the Sexcapades, and the rest of my life.

As I approached my apartment, the Biosecure® scanner sensed me and unlocked my door. Walking inside, I could still hear Mr. Hasheem's AHE® — he had turned it back up and was now watching what sounded like an original episode of I Love Lucy. I chuckled. 25:45. My shift would start in thirty minutes, just enough time to shower and walk the five minutes to the Trellzin's Junction Visitor Center where the clinic was located.

Mentally, I asked my NeuroNet® to raise the blinds on my viewing port in my combination sitting room kitchen — very chic, very open concept, very service employee minimalist.

The room filled with a pulsating yellow light.

"What-the-fuck…"

I took two long strides to the viewing port, pressing my hands and face to the thick shielding. A giant, yellow, smiling rubber duck with an orange bill and the unsettling, vacant stare of something that had never once questioned its own existence floated past my sector of the station. The monstrosity was being kept aloft by four subspace construction drones and had to be larger than an inter-planetary cargo hauler.

"WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK—"

As someone who is currently a hobby writer but who hopes to be published someday, I find it hard to talk about my writing. It’s not like other “hobbies” where people understand the relaxing value of it or even the fun/social aspect of it. I don’t know if it’s because writing is also a career, but when I tell people I write they are either way to enthusiastic and want to know where I’m published, missing the part that it’s just a hobby, or they turn up their nose and could care less.

This has lead me to realize that I do t really know how to talk to people outside of writing circles about writing.

How do you make small talk about your writing?

As someone who is currently a hobby writer but who hopes to be published someday, I find it hard to talk about my writing. It’s not like other “hobbies” where people understand the relaxing value of it or even the fun/social aspect of it. I don’t know if it’s because writing is also a career, but when I tell people I write they are either way to enthusiastic and want to know where I’m published, missing the part that it’s just a hobby, or they turn up their nose and could care less.

This has lead me to realize that I do t really know how to talk to people outside of writing circles about writing.

How do you make small talk about your writing?