u/IShunpoYourFace

Noc pre toga 9/10h sna, bez tegoba, odlicno sam ujutru i dan pre toga. Od 2h popodne pakao, hocu da zaspim gde god da sam. Kafa nakon sat vremena nema efekta

I went off meds when i got depressed, i think that meds made me depressed.

I'm happy that i can finally function(barely, hypersexuality is killing me), i have will to do stuff and i dont want to die anymore. I enjoy music. Lol.

For 2 months i was in bed, abused benzos, stopped socialising, thought about suicide all day. Had no will to do anything. Music was pointless.

Then it turned into paranoia that something is in the house or yard. That "thing" is not human. I got fear of the "thing". Fear overwhelmed me, every time i was alone (for example when im only awake person in house), i was scared af. I was scared to get out of bed to go to bathroom. Even though my partner was sleeping besides me in same bed. That lasted for 2 weeks, got worse with each day. I avoided taking benzos because theyre bad.

Then it peaked when i was alone , my partner went on a vacation and im going to join her in 2/3 days.(i have to catch up with school work i missed during depresisve period). The way it peaked was extreme racing mind, extreme fear, constant goosebumps, sweating from waist to toes. Overthinking every wrong scenario. I got so scared that i decided to sleep in livingroom, with lights in and tv on. For 3 nights i couldnt sleep because i was scared to go to sleep. But mind was not shutting up.

BAD THOUGHTS ABOUT THE "THING" WERE LITERALLY ALMOST VIVID how intensive they were.

I was sweating, i couldnt sleep, then i decided to play music and started dancing in livingroom at 3/4am. At 4am i couldnt handle the paranoia anymore and got a knife and danced with a knife in my hand. That is when i decided to get into a car and drive onto a mountain to watch sunrise. I drove a bit "agressivevly", especially in corners, my usual driving is like granny driving.

I was alone in the mountains, overwhelmed with fear and racing mind, waiting for sunrise. Then i went home and fell a sleep because i was exhausted.

And boom, fear is mostly gone, still present but completly ignorable (i literally couldn't ignore it before that, i knew it was irrational fear but i shat my pants anyways every night for 2/3weeks)

Then im suddenly normal, a bit happy, im motivated to do stuff. But i suddenly have huge hypersexuality problem, i cannot focus on work for school. And to try to combat it, i went outside to listen music on headphones at 10pm. Decided to go on a walk, and climbed a pole for street ligthing (theyre not small), and took a selfie to joke with my friends and got down. And since then im fine, i have a smile on my face.

I dont feel "overwhelmed" a lot, i know i have a lot of work for school but im OPTIMISTIC!!!!

(Lol its 4am right now, im not sleeping cuz i wanna finish stuff for school and get ready for vacation).

UPDATE:

Im fucking scared again out of nowhere, OUT OF NOWHERE, im again overthinking paranormal scenarios in my head even though theyre not real, im prolonging my shower and prolonging going to bed because im scared to go from bathroom to bedroom. Lol. I mean, im going to do it. I know that this fear is irrational, im just going to go through with the fear. I constantly feel like im going into fight with something. Im constantly biologically "prepared", my senses are heightened, sound, eyesight, everything is on the max "readiness".

And now, on top of all that, all dogs in neighbourhood started barking, even the ones which are really far away. Why tf are they barking rn?

Now looking trough window, and when i look into neighbours house, i feel scared of that. His window is dark, there is no light inside the room, i constantly think about that something "bad" and dangerous might be inside and that it can fly through the air at very high speed diretcly into my bathroom. Window cant stop it.

I KNOW THAT THIS ALL SOUNDS STUPID, I KNOW THAT ALL THIS IS IRATIONAL BUT FEAR IS REAAAAALLLL

Im constantly turning around scanning my environment and doing "reality checks"

Tf im even staring at a clock checking myself if clock is moving in right direction

Sorry for my poor choice of words, i just want to write this out as fast as possible

Bandwidth test tool reaches 900mbit so its not issue on lan side. Cpu is also not loaded too much. 5ghz band is clean and there is no interference. Distance is around 1m-2m. Most of the times i get around 300mbit/s via wifi on wap ax, sometimes if im lucky i get 600.

In theory i should be able to get up to 930mbit/s via wifi.

Am i looking for unrealistic results? 2.4Gbit/s phy rate shouldn be able to do 900mbit/s.

My main hap ax3 does 400-600mbit at 80mhz channel width but never got more than 650mbit/s

Tw, suicide, self harm, meds abuse, quitting meds

Writing this because its form of therapy for me. Makes me feel better and handle a day easier. I dont believe anyone anymore. I need to get thought out of my mind. I cannot hold this inside me anymore. Im just writing this because i cannot get myself to sleep even though i feel sleepy. I feel awful. I dont expect from anyone to read this, i just need to say stuff to get my mind ready for sleep. Its going to be long, if you got time to kill and like reading it then read it :)

Its 1am rn while writing this. Im writing this sentence after writing most of this post, i spent past 30 minutes here writing this and might even spend more. Haha lol :)))) 😄😭😭😭

First of all, might not make sense what im talking but I'm 100% think that i do not have bipolar. Just stuff what happened might just be my childish not mature personality. I just dont feel like its right thst i have this disorder. I feel like im faking everything but still im questioning everything.

Recap to give an idea why am i questioning myself if i might have bipolar even though im sure that i do not, im sure that i dont even have depression(im finally meds free):

last year/two i had hypersexuallity and lost a lot of weight. Then depression hit me, tried to off myself. Seeked help, got ssri, turned me hypomanic, got bipolar meds, stayed hypomanic, got depressed a bit again(4 months ago). Got med change, felt normal, life going good, active, got short internship for a month only, people on job liked me, boss liked me, started planning new projects(which will cost me financially to achieve) and etc.. during all that, i was studying pretty regularly. And i liked taking the meds, at time i felt like i did not feel side effects, i felt PROUD taking the meds. I felt fine.

Then Euphoria hit me one day, danced four 2 hours nonstop, cleaned the house, i just felt amazing, felt soo good i thought i do not feel pain, kept punching brick wall(and amazed that it did not hurt) until i got purple knuckles. Then i shaked myself and went to see a doc. Got med change, rejected new med out of fear of side effects thinking that nothing will happen in 7 days until next appointment. I posted shit ton of stuff here, people were telling me im either trolling or severely manic.

In those 7 days I shaved my head. I even posted photo of bald head online in local photoediting facebook group to let people have fun with it, ended as local meme. Then i pierced my ear, spent shit ton of money on those planned project, was active(digging stuff around yard, listening to music dancing and etc, productive then it turned into a bit too much. I started pacing uncontrollably, lost sense of time, enjoyed music way to much, neighbours tried to stop me from pacing around neighbourhood, i turned agressive towards them trying to stop me and that turned into a chase around neighbourhood because they were worried. Then i colapsed 2 hours later out of physical exhaustion. Same thing happened tomorrow in the city, nobody stopped me until i collapsed again. Then i just went home tired but still couldn't get myself to sleep. I was walking 30-40k steps a day for a week straight (i had 10k+ streak for a 3 weeks but that week was too much).

I meanthime i experienced hearing someone, mini earthquakes, extreme fear of something and fear of somekind of harm. I heard people talking in house at 2am while listening to music on headphones, i heard my partner screaming at 2am while listening the music but she was a sleep. During the day, i would hear ear ringing from time to time, changing intensity, changing tone, changing location.

And on 7th day i went to see a doc, doc was surprised why i looked like that (shaved head, got ear pierced) and i dont know why but i mentioned nothing, i just said that im perfectly fine and that i just heard and thought some stupid stuff and explained it, and i felt like it was all made up. Doc was suprised that i rejected the meds, doc told me that that was not psychosis and that i just described pseudo-psyhotic stuff and i think that i somehow fooled the doc into thinking that i was fine, was left only on benzos, anticonvulsant, no ap.

2 days later i tought that someone is in house with me while i was in lviing room. I tought that someone might harm or kill me. It was 11pm and i was on the phone with a friend. I turned on all the lights and opened all the doors of rooms and locked main entrance door. Called my aunt to get to my house and help me to get to her place safely during the night. I was scared af, scared of something, scared of might. Fear overwhelmed me. I knocked myself with benzos and antipsychotic just to make that stop, i couldnt stand it anymore. I was knocked out, woke up, dizzy all day, but i felt fine. Just tired, dizzy and irritable. That went on for few days until irritability dissappeared. I did not want to see a doctor. I am not crazy. Idk what happened but its gone. I made that up probably.

Then suddenly that marks a transition to this state(happened 2 months ago). I cant get out of bed. I'm without motivaton. Delaying all responsibilities for university. Not studying... and it kept getting worse. At first i was just feelingless glued to bed. Empty, cared about nothing. Felt nothing. Felt like a plant. I slept a lot, had torubles getting out of bed. Then suddenly (1 month ago) family meber died. I had to travel to another city and be there for few days, i ran out of anticonvulsant for mood stabilisation and depression prevention. Then in next following days suicidal thoughts started, i missed my exams, i wanted to off myself. I was angry at myself for being a failure without motivation to get out of bed and i couldnt stand being awake. I have alcoholic father in pension, with lots of chronic health issues. Im just a student. Jobless one. I started abusing benzos to get some more sleep, i couldn't stop thinking and getting my mind to shut up with all those thoughts. I was already sleeping a lot but had troubles falling a sleep. I remeber taking a lot of benzos to get through a day, partner did not like that.

Suddenly, i wake up, there are no pills, nothing. And 4 days have passed. When? How? Why?(well now i know why but ok). Partner throw away all my meds. Told me i was knocked out and unresponsive (sleeping) that morning and she got sick of trying to wake me up and got sick of me just sleeping all the time and being lazy. Friends and family asked me wtf i was for 4 days. I wanted to die, i couldnt stand being alive, being a failure. Few days passed, i found a rope, prepared the knot and had mental breakdown and cried alone i the bedroom while partner is at work. I just cannot do it, i cannot hurt her but i do not want to exist anymore. I'm not letting myself near any meds anymore. I cannot believe that i allowed myself to go on meds, and on antipsychotics and benzos especially. Thats basically chemical lobotomy and permanent brain damage in long run.

And then i got myself together a bit and i turned into a plant again. Everyday is heavy, everywthing is hard. I just spend day sleeping and doomscrolling. I cannot get myself to study, to shower regularly, to clean my house and room.

I do somehow do stuff just to mask myself feeling this way but i just cannot do ANYTHING for myself. Everything is pointless. Even writing this. I wish to just dissappear, fall a sleep and not wake up. Im a failure. All that happened was probably just made up. I MUST study but i cannot get myself to do it. 3 fking weeks im trying to get myself to write one page. I did not clean my house for 3 weeks, everything is piling up(not literally but it can be cleaner). Partner is trying to help but cannot do everything while working at same time.

Im a failure, im trying self therapy. I enjoy spending a bit of time with my partner outside walking but i have no will to play board games even though i liked it, and shes begging me.

Everything feels pointless, i have no motivation to be awake, i just sleep, wish for day to end, do nothing, overthinking aboht upcoming exams but doing nothing to pass them. And i know its easy for me, and thst i can do it. I just cannot get myself to do it. Im going to fail. Life has no point.

I dont enjoy being awake. Nothing bring me.joy, nothing brings me satisfaction after doing something, i should feel good after cleaning, i did somehting for me, but i feel nothing. I should feel good after showering and shaving, looking fresh, but i feel nothing and i stare into mirror looking trough myself. Looking blank. I wish to die every moment, but i dont want to do anything to acutally die. Im just empty.

I know how i felt , i know what is feeling good and having self esteem. I just dont feel like myself. I cry internally most of the time, i feel tears at tipping point of leaking, im just hodling it in and letting them go to my nose, i wanna burst crying and have mental breakdown again. Im a failure. Im broken.

Im a failure. I dont feel like i deserve to live. I tried, last month im trying my best to get myself to move. To do stuff. I listened to therapy podcasts, tried self therapy. Tried opening myself to others and i fukin regret that. I dont want to share my troubles and worries with anyone anymore. Every time i tried to openup to get myself to feel better i got replies "you have too much free time, youre jobless, youre lazy, youre childish " and etc. I got same while i was feeling good and when i shaved my head and pierced my ear. "Youre doing drugs, wtf is wrong with you", they distanced from me, think that im a weirdo.

Before all this and before my first psychiatrist visit i seeked help first time because i was suicidal for 2 months. I tried indirectly asking for help(by asking friends and family for guidance how to get myself better and motivated). There was no helpful answers from them. I went to psychiatrist as last chance of help before offing myself. Psychiatrist fkin helped me, at least i tought initially but psychiatrist then expalined to me that i might acutally have bipolar instead of major depressive disorder which he first thought. Anyways, i was out of suicidal depression within 7 days of starting ssri. I see that as success, i did not die. Psychiatrist helped me a lot, friends and family did nothing but tell me that im undeveloped, lazy, crybaby and etc.

After starting the meds, i got hypomanic in front of them, then i got on bipolar meds and got depressed a bit as explanied before and etc...

They(friends and family) told me 300x that the meds are causing those symptoms. All the time i was taking meds and while i got those symptoms on meds, they told me meds are poisoning me. That i need to get my shit together and grow up. And i also got told by few of them thst i do not have bipolar, that they know few people with bipolar and some other diagnosis and that i dont look bipolar to them at all. They might be right, i might be just faking all of this somehow, i just dont know how.

Anyways, i wanted to say that i trust noone for mental health now, i dont trust my friends and family and im never gonnna open up to them anymore. I tried. Found out the hard way that its best to stay quiet. People dont believe in mental illnesses.

Psychiatrist does on the other hand, but now I dont believe that im sick and i dont need a psychiatrist. Im just undeveloped and broken and thats just my personality. Last month proved me that, i fucking tried my best to get myself together and i just cannot.

Im a failure, i failed at life, i failed at feeling feelings, j cannot feel stuff. I cannot get good sleep hygiene.

Life on meds was ok, but that was not me. That were the meds kicking me to sleep 9 hours and making me fall a sleep at right time. The meds made me feel good, not me.

If i cant make myself feel good why should i even try? If i cant make myself get my shit together why should i keep trying?

People have that drive, which drives them to go to work because theyre going to earn money and have money to live, enjoy coffee with friends, travel.

Why i dont feel that drive? The drive that will to make me get up and study, find a work after graduation and have a family? I want to have a family, i want to provide for my parner. IM A FAILURE. Im biologically doomed to never succeed in life. Trying to succeed proved me right.

It might sound like im writing nonsense but im writing my real feelings and thoughts, how i actually feel because i have NOOONE to talk with. I just want one person just to hear what i have to say and in the end to tell me "ok goodbye" WITHOUT GASLIGHTING AND JUDGING ME. I know that im alone here also but at least leaving these traces of bytes on the internet makes my mind calm down knowing that i said it alound publicly and that my feelings are not hidden anymore.

I gained weight in last 2 months, i do nothing but lay down and eat, and eat and eat. I just look at laptop waiting for me to write that essay for university (which is literally piece of cake to do) but i just cannot do it. Im thinking about it all the time and im unable to do it and sit down and start writing it.

Im a failure, im a failure, im a failure, im a failure, im a failure, im a failure, im a failure im a failure im a failure Ajajskdisisjdjdjdir9g9giwjwososkaka9ruf9eiwkw

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I feel this fear, every night, before sleeping, while laying in bed, that reality MIGHT not be real. And rn while writing this im getting goosebumps that something might hurt me IF IM NOT UNDER THE BLANKET. im sacred od being alone. Im scared of leaving this post prompt right now.

Im going to keep writing. Im not alone, partner is sleeping in bed with me.

Its okay, nothing will happen. Shes there. Im fine.

I just feel this fear everynight for last week before falling a sleep. There might be something, somewhere, im scared.

I cannot sleep, my mind is in overdrive, my eyes feel tired. Mentally i cannot sleep.

Maybe thats why am i writing this. My legs are sweating but its not that hot. Im scared to keep my legs exposed and not covered with blanket.

Psychiatrist is wrong 100%, i dont have bipolar or depression. I dont need those meds.. i just need to get myself together. I dont knoe why am i doing this or feeling like this.

Day is going good, i have torubles waking up, i sleep too much but during the day im fine. Just no will to do anything.

Nights are scary, especially before falling a sleep and while im only one awake in the house. Im scared to get out of bed right now to even go to bath room

I dont know what to write anymore, i must keep writing because thats what i want to do right now. I cannot stop. If i stop im alone. While im writing this im not actuslly alone and im talking with you people.

I dont want to sound crazy, im not crazy, im just overwhelmed with all of the stuff. Im overwhelmed that i have exams soon but i cannot get myself to study. Why am i even writing this nonsense? Nevermind, back to why am i feeling overwhelmed.

Im scared to end this post wtffff.

Anyways,

WTF

WHY I CANNOT FINISH THE THOUGHT

I dont have bipoalr. Im not manic. Im not depressed. IM NOT SICK

WHY AM I WRITING THIS.

This reminded me, i also wrote stuff like this in my notes app, that i dont have bipoalr disorder, but spammed like this

I DONT HAVE BIPOALR

IM IN MY MIND

IM NOT PSYCHOTIC

IM FINE

And etc

And i wrote quite a bit

And then i shaved my head

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA

Why is it funny, im fucking scared of the night right now.

LOOOOOOOLL

anyways, i feel bad, but now i feel happ OOOH SHIT

Fridge turned itslef on, it scared me.

What was i talking about? Let me take a look back up

Oh yes, i feel like im an impostor.

I dont feel like i deserve ANY diagnosis, it would be disrespectful to real sick people who have it. I feel like i can get myself together but i dont see any progress.

I just wanna sleep, its almost 2am already. I dont feel the urge to sleep at all but im sleepy and tired. When i close my eyes to try to sleep mind is just not shutting off.

Im just disappointed in myself, one more day passed, and i did nothing to make it better than last day, im in the same place.

I was thinking of using local adguard dns server with AAAA entries, then update those entries from docker container with its own GUA, then somehow make a script for mikrotik to get that GUA from that dns entry and update a firewall rule.

But still leaves an issue how to let an app itself open pin holes via pcp upnp igd v2

MTS nudi ipv6 i korisnicima sa statickom i dinamickom ipv4 adresom i korisnicima iza cgnat-a. (Supernova isto). Ja sam od mts-a dobio /56. (Vise nego dosta cak i za srednji biznis).

Mada, reddit i github su i dalje na ipv4 uglavnom :) ironije li

Edit: izvinjavam se na greskama u kucanju, kasno je

View Poll

Trenutno koristim MTS ADSL sa PPPoE MTU/MRU nameštenim na 1492. RFC4638 omogucava dizanje mtu-a na 1500 da se izbegne pppoe overhead od 8 bajtova na ethernetu.

Hteo bi da proverim samo da li je iko u srbiji probao 1500MTU umesto 1492 na PPPoE konekciji na adsl-u?

Planiram i prelazak na ftth uskoro, pa me interesuje i tu sitaucija, mada verujem da koriste isti BNG i mrezu, samo drugi fizicki sloj za prenos.

Dodao bi da sa 1492 mtu, vec se prelazi 1500mtu na adslu jer taj pppoe takodje ide i preko vlan-a. Samim time je l2 mtu onda 1504 bajta.

I need it for WAN routing and services and some light inter-vlan routing.

RB5009 would do the job for me but seems pointless to get RB5009 if HEX Pro is going to be available soon.

HEX Pro wont have any good switching capabilities (probably, due to ipq-ppe) but it's cpu is much better than RB5009 and there are 2 10G links.

My wan uplink is going to be max 1G symmetrical with idea of direct ip access for "public" services behind proxy and wireguard for lan access (management and occasional file transfers)

Tw, suicidial

I (25m) had manic episode last month where i shaved my head, pierced the ear and done bunch of embarrassing stuff. It ended when i took single of 5mg olanzapine when psychotic fears started breaking thru. I always told everyone and gave them advice to think of it like "what happened in mania stays in mania" and they say it helped. Somehow, it does not work for me.

I was on lamictal only, depressed, but going thru the day.

Then 3 weeks later family member died and i ran out of lamictal (had no prescription on me and i was not at home for few days). Now smartest thing is not to start it by myself again due to SJS risks.

Now its been a week without lamcital. Im sick of life, im a failure and i cannot get anything done. I really want to do stuff but i cant, i have no energy.

Everything seems pointless.

So to help me go thru days, last 2 days i was popping 6 pills of benzos (bromazepam) at once twice a day to knock me out so i could sleep trhu a day and feel better.

Then girlfriend took away all of my meds that were prescribed.(i stopped meds when her grandma passed away, and now i dont want to start them by myself due to risk of sjs and etc, and now i comepltly lost will to start the meds)

I now cannot stand being awake anymore. Every second feels like never ending hell. I dont know what to do, i tied a knot already for the door knob. Laid down and then hone rang...

I have issues in family, im sick of being parent to my own parents, i just wanna live my 20s and get married and have kids. I dont want to be parent to an alcoholic who doesnt give a f about anything. I dont want to be a postman for all family problems between family members.

I lost will to do anything. I was depressed since manic episode ended but that was just bed-glue depression, i was able to enjoy watching tv. Now i cannot enjoy having my eyes open. I just wish to be unconscious.

I decided to not seek any more treatment because for whole year (since I started taking treatment) i was either depressed like this or hypomanic or normal but feeling like zombie without emotions.

There is no stable, there is no point in treatment.

My long year partner wants to move away because of problems that my fater is making(drinking, hurting himself, ignoring doctors advices and etc).

I just feel like servant in this family for all their problems. I dont feel like i have my own life and that i can enjoy and do stuff what i want. I feel chained. My girlfriend probably feels the same and that is why she wants to go.

My life sucks, i happy for all others that can be happy, im happy because others can experience happiness. I dont want to drag my gf into this.

I just lost all beliefs that meds do the job and that they help. I've never felt like stereotypical person, i was always anxious to be around people, im avoidant, i dont feel nice on parties, i dont feel nice just existing.

I dont want to end up handicapped or tied to bed. I just want to peacefully go and let others have nice life.

I feel like a miserable mountain that cannot do anything but observe what is happening. I think that even a plant is having happier life than me.

I dont want to go into hospital again, im sick of playing with kids stuff they do there "drawing, working out, group talk". Fuck that, that never helped me. That helped me in hospital was switch from depression into hypo while i was in hospital and i checked out.

How can i help myself without going inpatient , doctors want me inpatient. I have stuff to do, i cannot drop uni year again

3 weeks ago i stopped my meds for 7 days, in those 7 days i shaved my head, pierced my ear, walked 40k steps a day, and felt like life was never better and that it couldn't get any better how good it was.

Now...

I have issues showering daily, sometimes i shower after 3 days. At least i brush my teeth regularly. House is a wreck, cant get myself to do dishes regularly, they pile up over 2/3 days and then i literally die washing them. Clean laundry is piling up on the bed, i have no energy to sort it into closet. Getting out of bed is hard, i doom scroll, i have ton of work for university to do and im in middle of exam period, with no will to study. Friends are calling me to go out, i do somehow because of my respect for them but i just kill the mood. I do not feel anything. I sleep for 10-12 hours and after that even take some naps

I just feel flat, emotionless, energyless and im going crazy. Its driving me crazy because there are few black thoughts here and there. I literally want to pull my hair out because i cannot do anything. Whole body feels like an anvil, literal anvil

Im taking my lamictal as prescribed. I cannot take antidepressants, they make me go manic even besides mood stabilisers.

I have no other choice than to wait for this period to pass. My checkup appointment with pdoc is in 2 weeks.

Please share your coping mechanisms, i really do not want to rot in bed. :/

My doctor told me I was hypomanic at my last check-up. I went to that appointment because I was hit by this abnormal euphoria, fast speech, and sudden cleaning around the house, and it led to me somehow believing I could not feel pain and punching a wall repeatedly for about 10 minutes. That was when I decided to go to the check-up.

​

After the appointment, I took the new medication that evening and the next morning, but I refused to take one part of the therapy, the one meant for treating acute mania, because I was afraid of side effects. I thought nothing serious could happen before the next appointment, which was in 7 days.

​

Then I started imagining certain fears, presences, voices, and sounds for 3 days in a row, very briefly, just a few seconds a day. So, a few words from some voice on the first day, fear and paranoia on the second day, and ringing in my ears on the third day. My doctor classified that as pseudo-psychotic phenomena, not psychosis.

​

I don’t know what happened to me last week. I did a ton of things and made a bunch of impulsive decisions in just a few days. I shaved my head, pierced my ear, spent a lot of money, started a new project, and simply did not stop all day, while completely neglecting my other responsibilities and house maintenance.

​

People around me are wondering what is going on with me. Some do not recognize me, some think something must have happened to make me act like this, etc. My girlfriend is angry and cannot stand looking at what I did to my head.

​

I look back at my actions over the past 2 weeks and I feel like I did all of it intentionally for some reason, but I do not know what that reason would be. But the fact is that some of those things, even if someone forced me to do them now, I physically would not be able to do them.

​

At the same time, I clearly remember that during the last 2 weeks I felt “completely myself and more normal than ever,” literally. I felt completely normal, not depressed, not impulsive, not hypomanic. Every idea and thought I had felt completely rational and normal.

​

My physical activity, mainly walking, was out of control: 30,000–40,000 steps several days in a row.

​

There was this manic walk around the neighborhood where my neighbors tried to physically stop me, and I resisted because they were trying to stop me. They said even my eyes did not look normal, like I was staring into emptiness. I walked for 2 hours, and even my fitness app registered it as a 2-hour walk with an average heart rate of 160. On top of that, I would add the eye movements: they were zig-zagging and sudden the whole time. In the end, I collapsed from exhaustion that suddenly hit me in front of them, even though I had not felt tired during those 2 hours. Luckily, I have wonderful neighbors who were there to bring me water and help me come back to myself, but they were basically like, “You owe us a huge explanation for whatever the last 2 hours were.” And I do not even know myself.

​

The worst part is that I felt like all of that lasted maybe 10 minutes, not 2 hours. My sense of time was completely gone. C O M P L E T E L Y.

​

I am literally quoting someone: “That state you were in was not like any drug. I know people who use drugs. What happened to you looked like you had taken 4 different drugs at once and multiplied the effect several times. You were in some kind of trance for 2 hours without stopping.”

​

The same thing happened to me in the city. I had this huge urge to release energy and constantly stimulate my senses of sight and hearing. I felt like I was having some kind of seizure while still being conscious. I felt infinite energy and an infinitely accelerated mind, with the thought in my head: “You have to keep walking, you must not stop.” My eyelids were fluttering at an abnormal speed, my eye movements were sudden, my heart rate reached 185 at one point, and my average heart rate was again around 160. I could feel sweat running down and my heart pounding, but I did not feel tired, so I just kept going. There was this horrible urge to move, and my hand was shaking so intensely that if I tried to do it now, I would not be able to. And again, it ended when I suddenly almost collapsed from exhaustion.

​

In my fitness app, I have two recorded “workouts,” each lasting about 2 hours, with around 10–11 km covered without breaks or stopping, and an average heart rate of 160. Just to test myself, I tried doing the same thing again, and I felt like I was going to die after 15 minutes.

​

At that moment, it felt like my brain was plugged into three-phase electricity. Everything around me was slow, while at the same time I felt like everything had to be fast. There was never enough stimulation, never enough energy. My body felt weightless, like suddenly everything was possible and I had energy for the entire day. The feeling is literally one of those “if you know, you know” experiences.

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Then one evening, an extremely irrational fear started that something was in the house with me. I had intense paranoia and could not be alone. At 1 AM I had to wake up my aunt and ask her to come get me so I could sleep at her place. There I took bromazepam and, on my own, one single tablet of olanzapine just to knock me out, because I could not handle being in that state of fear anymore.

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The next day I woke up groggy, spent the whole day mildly unmotivated to socialize, then slept for a long time again the following night, and now I feel completely okay.

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It simply feels like I faked all of it for some reason, but when I try to repeat those actions on purpose, I physically cannot.

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I cannot walk that fast for that long. I cannot flutter my eyelids that fast. I cannot shake my hand that fast. I cannot recreate the feeling I had. The strangest thing of all is that there is no chance I could repeat that kind of visual processing and eye movement, where my eyes were suddenly jumping from point to point while “processing information” everywhere around me. My vision felt completely out of control.

My doctor told me I was hypomanic at my last appointment. I went to that appointment because I literally got hit by an abnormal wave of euphoria, fast speech, and suddenly cleaning the house, and that led to me believing I couldn’t feel pain and repeatedly hitting a wall with my fists for about 10 minutes. That was the moment I decided to go to the appointment.

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After the appointment, I took the new medication that evening and the next morning, but I refused to take one part of the treatment, the one intended for acute mania, because I was afraid of side effects. I thought nothing serious could happen before the next appointment, which was in 7 days.

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Then I started experiencing strange fears, perceptions, voices, and sounds briefly for 3 days in a row, only for a few seconds each day. So, a few words of some voice on the first day, fear and paranoia on the second day, and ringing in my ears on the third day. My doctor classified these as pseudopsychotic phenomena, not psychosis.

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I don’t know what happened to me last week. I did a bunch of things and made a bunch of impulsive decisions in just a few days. I shaved my head, got my ear pierced, spent a lot of money, started a new project, and I simply didn’t stop the whole day, while completely neglecting my other responsibilities and house maintenance.

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People around me are wondering what is wrong with me. Some don’t recognize me, some think something must have happened to me and that this is why I’m acting this way. My girlfriend is angry and can’t stand looking at what I did to my head.

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When I look back at my behavior over the past 2 weeks, I feel like I did all of it on purpose for some reason, but I don’t know what that reason would be. But the fact is that there are some things I could not physically do now even if someone forced me to.

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At the same time, I clearly remember that during the last 2 weeks I felt “completely myself and more normal than ever,” literally. I felt totally normal, not depressed, not impulsive, not hypomanic. Every idea and every thought felt completely rational and normal.

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My physical activity, especially walking, was out of control: 30,000–40,000 steps several days in a row.

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There was one manic-like walk around the neighborhood where my neighbors tried to physically stop me, and I resisted because they were trying to stop me. They said even my eyes didn’t look normal, like I was staring into emptiness. I walked for 2 hours, and even my fitness app registered it as a 2-hour walk with an average heart rate of 160. In the end, I collapsed from exhaustion that suddenly hit me in front of them, even though I hadn’t felt it during those 2 hours. Luckily, I have wonderful neighbors who were there to bring me water and help me recover, but they were basically like, “You owe us one huge explanation for what all of this meant over the last 2 hours.” And I DON’T EVEN KNOW MYSELF.

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I’ll quote them directly: “That state you were in was not like any drug. I know people who use drugs. What you were like was as if you had taken 4 different drugs at once and multiplied it by who knows how much. You were in some kind of trance for 2 hours straight.”

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The same thing happened to me in the city. I had this enormous urge to release energy and constantly stimulate my senses of sight and hearing. I felt like I was having some kind of seizure while still fully conscious. I felt infinite energy and an infinitely accelerated mind, with the thought in my head: “You have to keep walking, you must not stop.” My eyelids were twitching at an abnormal speed, my heart rate at one point reached 202, the average heart rate was again around 160, I could feel sweat pouring down and my heart pounding, but I DID NOT FEEL TIRED and I just kept going. There was a horrible urge to move, and my hand was shaking so intensely that even now, if I tried, I would not be able to recreate it. And again, it ended when I suddenly almost collapsed from exhaustion all at once.

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I have 2 “workouts” recorded in my app, each lasting about 2 hours, each around 10–11 km, with no breaks and no stopping, and an average heart rate of 160. Just to test myself, I tried to do the same thing again, and I felt like I was going to die after 15 minutes.

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At that moment, it felt like my brain was connected to a three-phase electrical current. Everything around me felt slow, while at the same time I felt like everything had to be fast. There was never enough stimulation, never enough energy. My body felt weightless, like everything was suddenly possible and like I had enough energy for the entire day. The feeling was literally, “those who have experienced it will understand.”

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Then one night, I developed an extremely irrational fear that something was in the house with me. I had huge paranoia and couldn’t be alone. At 1 a.m., I had to wake up my aunt and ask her to come get me so I could sleep at her place. There, I took bromazepam and, on my own, a single tablet of olanzapine just to knock me out because I could no longer tolerate being in that state of fear.

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The next day, I woke up sedated and spent the whole day mildly unmotivated to socialize. Then I slept a long time again the following night, and now I feel completely okay.

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It simply feels like I faked all of it for some reason, but when I try to recreate those behaviors on purpose, I physically can’t. I can’t walk that fast for that long, I can’t twitch my eyelids that fast, I can’t shake my hand that fast, and I can’t trigger the feeling I had back then.

I have a possible bipolar diagnosis and I recently had what seemed like a hypomanic phase. I’m currently only on lamotrigine.

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In the span of about 2 days, I made some sudden changes that people around me found unusual, including shaving my head and getting my ear pierced.

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Then I had a very intense episode. For almost 2 hours, I walked extremely fast without stopping while listening to the same fast song on repeat. I felt like I had to keep walking and could not stop. I didn’t feel tired at the time, even though my heart rate was around 160 bpm and I was sweating heavily.

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People tried to stop me by standing in front of me, but I just kept walking past them. I had a fixed stare, was blinking very fast, and only answered briefly if someone talked to me. At one point I picked up a shovel, walked with it for a bit, then threw it away and kept walking. When people tried to physically stop me, I became very resistant and kept saying I had to walk.

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Near the end, I came up to them and repeatedly said something like, “the rhythm has to stop.” When they pulled out my earphones, I suddenly felt like I came back to myself. I almost collapsed, felt extremely weak and exhausted, lay down, and needed water. After a few minutes I felt more normal, but very drained.

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Later, especially at night when I was alone in the dark, I started getting paranoid fear. I felt like there was something in the house or that I wasn’t alone, and I kept getting chills. I still had some insight and could tell myself that the fear was probably irrational, but it felt very intense and hard to shake.

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My questions are:

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Does this fear sound like psychosis, or more like severe manic agitation with paranoid symptoms?

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Can bipolar paranoia be psychotic if it only appears at night when alone, but is mostly absent during the day?

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Does having insight — knowing the fear might be irrational — mean it is not psychosis yet?

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I’m planning to contact my psychiatrist/doctor about this. I’m mainly trying to understand how concerning this episode sounds and what category it might fall into.

Im paranoid af

I paced through my neighbourhood for 2 hours with shovel in my hand and people tried to stop me by force and i just paced thru them. Then 2 persons tried to hold me still and gave up. All of the time i was sooo full of energy and feeling like i was having a seizure, like the brain is gonna explode. Uncontrollable pacing, uncontrollable blinking, uncontrollable head eye focus jumping, uncontrollable song playing on repeat for 2 hours.

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It all ended when they pulled out my headphones and i collapsed because of exhaustion.

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Same thing happened day after i the city, just without the shovel xd. I was pacing around the lake, also same stuff uncontrollable and that went on, i even got inside shopping mall to use the toilet and exited in same state and then it ended when i again collapsed on my knees by myself due to exhaustion 2 hours later .

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I remeber the feeling "im so tired but i gotta keep moving, im tired but at same time i dont feel tired"

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Is it even possible for loss of control to short? Is it possible that that specific song is making my brain go crazy?

Btw, both times it felt like only 10 minutes passed, i completly loss feel of time