u/IcyFold152

realmente es lo que pone en el enunciado. hace unas horas, después de un mes de crisis continuadas, mi pareja me ha dicho que no puede mas. que no puede sentir que sobrepasa limites suyos para cuidarme. que esta cansado de tener tanto peso sobre mi salud mental.

no siento nada, solo vacío. no puedo llorar, me cuesta sentir mis manos. llevo horas tumbada en la cama sin moverme. mañana tengo un examen importante. como salgo de esta? lo unico que me ha ayudado a pasar estas crisis es beber cada vez que sentía un mínimo de ansiedad. no puedo ni llorar. no quiero estar sola.

Buenas, yo (f,23) llevo on and off con el mismo vínculo (m,28) desde octubre. tuvimos una crisis grande entonces pero decidimos volver, pero llevamos todo mayo en otra gran crisis que nos está causando ataques de ansiedad sin parar.

un breve contexto: he creado una relacion muy dependiente con este vinculo, hasta el punto en el que mi salud mental depende de el. es decir, me afecta extremadamente cuando el se lia con alguien o se vincula con alguien, si no es un lio casual. en parte es porque a lo largo de la relación yo solo me he vinculado con una persona mas, y ha sido una experiencia bastante desastrosa. el se ha convertido en mi persona mas cercana y mas segura, a quien le cuento todo, me encanta pasar tiempo con el.

Me cuesta muchísimo no volverse emocionalmente dependiente de la persona que tengo más cerca en cada momento. Esto me ha pasado tanto en relaciones monógamas como en no monógamas. Mi estado de ánimo simplemente depende mucho de cómo me siento con la otra persona, de la atención que recibo, de la prioridad que siento que me están dando… Siento que a veces siempre necesito que la otra persona me dé ciertos niveles de atención y de seguridad/contención para tranquilizarme, y eso a veces termina sobrepasándome.

Es una relación poliamorosa, pero en la práctica, el se vincula muchísimo más. Debido a esta crisis que estamos teniendo, hemos estado sin hablar un par de semanas. Ayer nos reencontramos, y el apareció en la fiesta con un vínculo que tiene (f, 25) y del que no me había podido avisar porque estábamos sin contacto. a mi ella me gusta, y de hecho, creo que el fin de semana pasado estuve ligando con ella, nos gustamos, pero lo último que puedo pensar ahora es en gestionar esto porque estoy con tanta ansiedad con mi vinculo que no puedo sentir deseo ni querer intimidad con nadie mas.

Yo ayer tuve muchisima ansiedad al ver de repente que el estaba forjando un nuevo vínculo teniendo tan amenazado el nuestro, y pude controlar la ansiedad mucho mejor que otras veces, aunque al final me derrumbé, y le pedí hablar. nos apartamos de la fiesta y hablamos del tema, yo lloré, el me abrazó, me dijo que me quería y que quería poder tener una relación cercana conmigo pero que necesitabamos algo de distancia para poder curar la dependencia que hemos creado. me dijo que independientemente de ese nuevo vínculo, quería volver conmigo. Al rato el se agobia de repente y dice que se quiere ir a casa. Me dice al tiempo por mensaje que se ha dado cuenta de que hablando conmigo no estaba respetando sus propios limites y que el queria estar en la fiesta con la chica nueva. yo le pregunté muchas veces si quería volver pero me dijo que estaba bien.

hoy por la mañana me he levantado con muchos mensajes borrados suyos y un mensaje pidiendome hablar. hemos hablado un poco y me ha dicho que esta fatal, que ha vuelto a traspasar un limite que se habia puesto a si mismo, y que no quiere seguir con esta relación, que lo quiere dejar.

me ha dejado en shok. entiendo que es que el esta muy mal, pero no se que hacer. el viernes tuvimos una conversacion de gestion y me decia que a pesar de la distancia queria trabajar por ser cercano a mi, que me quería muchisimo, incluso tuvimos cercanía fisica. ¿que ha pasado?

y, sobre todo, es posible curar la dependencia sin acabar con la relacion? ahora mismo estoy con mis exámenes finales y me es imposible gestionar esto y estudiar

Hello, I (female, 23) have been on-again, off-again with the same partner (male, 28) since October. We had a major crisis then, but decided to get back together. However, we've been in another major crisis all of May, which is causing us constant anxiety attacks.

A brief context: I've developed a very dependent relationship with this partner, to the point where my mental health depends on him. That is, it affects me extremely when he's involved with someone or gets involved with someone else, unless it's a casual fling. This is partly because throughout the relationship, I've only been involved with one other person, and it was a pretty disastrous experience. He has become my closest and most trusted person, the one I tell everything to; I love spending time with him.

I find it extremely difficult not to become emotionally dependent on the person closest to me at any given time. This has happened to me in both monogamous and non-monogamous relationships. My mood simply depends a lot on how I feel with the other person, the attention I receive, the priority I feel they're giving me… I feel like sometimes I always need the other person to give me certain levels of attention and security/containment to calm me down, and that sometimes ends up overwhelming me.

It's a polyamorous relationship, but in practice, he's much more involved. Due to this crisis we're having, we haven't spoken for a couple of weeks. Yesterday we met up again, and he showed up at the party with a connection he has (f, 25) that he hadn't been able to tell me about because we were out of contact. I like her, and in fact, I think I was flirting with her last weekend; we liked each other, but the last thing I can think about right now is managing this because I'm so anxious about my connection that I can't feel desire or want intimacy with anyone else. Yesterday I was incredibly anxious when I suddenly saw him forging a new relationship with ours so threatened, and I was able to control my anxiety much better than usual, although I eventually broke down and asked to talk. We stepped away from the party and discussed it. I cried, he hugged me, and told me he loved me and wanted to have a close relationship with me, but that we needed some distance to heal the dependency we'd created. He said that regardless of this new relationship, he wanted to get back together with me. After a while, he suddenly became overwhelmed and said he wanted to go home. Later, he texted me saying he realized that by talking to me, he wasn't respecting his own boundaries and that he wanted to be at the party with the new girl. I asked him many times if he wanted to get back together, but he said he was fine.

This morning I woke up to find many deleted messages from him and one message asking to talk. We talked a little, and he told me he's feeling terrible, that he's crossed a line he'd set for himself again, and that he doesn't want to continue the relationship; he wants to end it.

I'm in shock. I understand that he's really struggling, but I don't know what to do. On Friday, we had a conversation about managing the situation, and he told me that despite the distance, he wanted to work to be close to me, that he loved me very much. We even had some physical intimacy. What happened?

And, above all, is it possible to overcome dependency without ending the relationship? What can I do? I'm already in therapy, and my therapist recommends self-regulation techniques and, in general, creating distance from him so he doesn't become such a priority. The problem is that when I'm feeling down or not getting "enough attention from him," I find it hard to connect with other people. Any advice?

Hello, I (female, 23) have been on-again, off-again with the same partner (male, 28) since October. We had a major crisis then, but decided to get back together. However, we've been in another major crisis all of May, which is causing us constant anxiety attacks.

A brief context: I've developed a very dependent relationship with this partner, to the point where my mental health depends on him. That is, it affects me extremely when he's involved with someone or gets involved with someone else, unless it's a casual fling. This is partly because throughout the relationship, I've only been involved with one other person, and it was a pretty disastrous experience. He has become my closest and most trusted person, the one I tell everything to; I love spending time with him.

I find it extremely difficult not to become emotionally dependent on the person closest to me at any given time. This has happened to me in both monogamous and non-monogamous relationships. My mood simply depends a lot on how I feel with the other person, the attention I receive, the priority I feel they're giving me… I feel like sometimes I always need the other person to give me certain levels of attention and security/containment to calm me down, and that sometimes ends up overwhelming me.

It's a polyamorous relationship, but in practice, he's much more involved. Due to this crisis we're having, we haven't spoken for a couple of weeks. Yesterday we met up again, and he showed up at the party with a connection he has (f, 25) that he hadn't been able to tell me about because we were out of contact. I like her, and in fact, I think I was flirting with her last weekend; we liked each other, but the last thing I can think about right now is managing this because I'm so anxious about my connection that I can't feel desire or want intimacy with anyone else. Yesterday I was incredibly anxious when I suddenly saw him forging a new relationship with ours so threatened, and I was able to control my anxiety much better than usual, although I eventually broke down and asked to talk. We stepped away from the party and discussed it. I cried, he hugged me, and told me he loved me and wanted to have a close relationship with me, but that we needed some distance to heal the dependency we'd created. He said that regardless of this new relationship, he wanted to get back together with me. After a while, he suddenly became overwhelmed and said he wanted to go home. Later, he texted me saying he realized that by talking to me, he wasn't respecting his own boundaries and that he wanted to be at the party with the new girl. I asked him many times if he wanted to get back together, but he said he was fine.

This morning I woke up to find many deleted messages from him and one message asking to talk. We talked a little, and he told me he's feeling terrible, that he's crossed a line he'd set for himself again, and that he doesn't want to continue the relationship; he wants to end it.

I'm in shock. I understand that he's really struggling, but I don't know what to do. On Friday, we had a conversation about managing the situation, and he told me that despite the distance, he wanted to work to be close to me, that he loved me very much. We even had some physical intimacy. What happened?

And, above all, is it possible to overcome dependency without ending the relationship? What can I do? I'm already in therapy, and my therapist recommends self-regulation techniques and, in general, creating distance from him so he doesn't become such a priority. The problem is that when I'm feeling down or not getting "enough attention from him," I find it hard to connect with other people. Any advice?

Hi! I (female, 22) have been practicing polyamory for over a year now, introduced to it by my longest-term partner (male, 27). I've had my share of problems, but I think the biggest one is that I find it very difficult not to become emotionally dependent on the person I'm closest to at any given time. This has happened to me in both my monogamous and non-monogamous relationships. My mood simply depends heavily on how I feel with the other person, the attention I receive, the priority I feel they're giving me... I feel like I always need the other person to give me levels of attention and reassurance that sometimes end up overwhelming me. Specifically, with this person (male, 27), I've had several anxiety attacks triggered by him asking for space, boundaries, or by not being able to manage the situation at that moment and needing time to think. We recently had one of these attacks, and I ended up feeling terrible. This has led him to question whether or not it's good to continue the relationship. He says he might not want to continue until he feels my mental health depends so much on him. What can I do? I'm already in therapy, and my therapist recommends self-regulation techniques and, in general, distancing myself from him to give him less priority. It's a problem because I feel that when I'm feeling down or not getting "enough attention from him," I have trouble relating to other people. Any advice?

Hola! Yo (f, 22) llevo ya más de un año practicando el poliamor, en el que me introdujo la pareja con la que más tiempo he estado vinculada (m, 27).

He tenido mis problemas pero el mayor de todos creo que es que me cuesta mucho no depender emocionalmente de la persona con la que tengo el vínculo más cercano en un momento concreto. Es algo que me ha pasado tanto en mis relaciones monógamas como no monógamas.

Simplemente mi estado de ánimo depende mucho de cómo esté con la otra persona, de la atención que reciba, de la prioridad que sienta que me está dando... Siento que siempre necesito que la otra persona me dé unos niveles de atención y de reafirmación que en ocasiones terminan abrumando.

Concretamente, con esta persona (m, 27) he tenido varias crisis de ansiedad originadas porque él me pidiese espacio, límites, o por no poder gestionar la situación en ese momento y necesitar tiempo para pensar.

Hace poco tuvimos una crisis así, y yo terminé muy mal. Eso ha ocasionado que el se plantee si es bueno o no seguir con la relación. Dice que quizás no quiere seguir hasta que no sienta que mi salud mental depende tanto de él.

¿Que puedo hacer? Ya estoy en terapia, y mi psicóloga me recomienda formas de autorregulación, y en general, separarme algo de el, para darle menos prioridad.

Es un problema, porque siento que cuando estoy mal o no estoy recibiendo "suficiente atención de el" tengo problemas para relacionarme con terceras personas.

¿Algún consejo?

Hello! I (NB, 23) started in polyamory with my partner (M, 27) about a year and a half ago. In that time, he has had encounters with many people—from kissing people at parties to a relationship with another person (F, 23) that lasted six months.

At first, especially with that longer relationship, I struggled a lot, but I worked hard to overcome fears and trauma by leaning on him, other people, and therapy. But in the last two months, every time he goes out partying—which is pretty much every weekend—he kisses someone.

I've only had one other connection besides him, and it didn't go very well, because the person I was connecting with (F, 26) had a bad relationship with my metamour—that is, with a previous partner of mine (NB, 29)—who placed many restrictions on what she could or couldn't do with me.

After that connection with that person, a couple of months ago, I started building a relationship with another person (M, 20), but it didn't go well at all because, due to his personal situation, he wasn't ready for a relationship. We really liked each other, but nothing ever happened between us, and he spent weeks building up my expectations for nothing. (Plus, in the end, he got back together with his ex, lol.)

Now, someone (F, 23) is showing interest in me, and I really like her, but after past experiences, I'm very scared. On top of that, I feel like I can't flirt with people at parties.

I'm quite depressed, I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm incapable of forming bonds with new people, and that my primary partner keeps forming them with others. What's more, I find those other people very attractive too, which makes the situation even harder: I feel jealousy and insecurity, but above all, a lot of worry that I won't be able to handle yet another weekend where I wake up to a message from him telling me who he made out with. We've agreed that he'll let me know like this, and that's not a problem for me. I think it's better to know who he's involved with and how, because the opposite has happened in the past, but now it's fine.