u/Il0noxlI

I love women, but mostly Im attracted to masculine women (bringing this up for later) and I often get brought by friends to queer places, where I tend to meet gender ambiguous girls.

ANYWAYS, recently I went out to a place with a ‘queer’ crowd and I saw this guy who was the pinnacle of masculinity. He looked good really good: muscles, short hair almost like a buzz, and really tall; taller than me. At some point I think we started to exchange glances, to be fair it could just be that he noticed me glancing at him every so often (not flirting more of a “damn dude” way)
Later I saw him again and he waved so I waved back, but he started approaching me and I almost shit my pants bc a man as big as him felt like 50/50 chance he would punch me in my mouth (he didn’t!) instead he just greeted me and we talked about hunting buck for a few minutes (I started getting flustered? And would not shut up)

So I was gesturing as I was talking and he just grabbed it mid air and placed it on my lap but he let his hand kinda linger for a second (I shut up after this) wasn’t sure if he was annoyed but then he smiled at me and and put his finger through my belt loop and pulled on it (teasingly?) and said something like don’t worry. THEN hit me that he was kind of flirting with me so I played in a little, felt natural in the moment but he slid his hand further up my waist and I PANICKED and shut it down real quick, gave an obvious half assed excuse and left.

Now Ive been rethinking the whole situation over and over and my conclusion is: he was flirting 100% I fucked up but I kinda wanted to take it further? Only been with girls (srtv had a thing with a guy but we were kids) Like I said they were mostly masculine so Im questioning if I even like girls at all OR if this guy was an off chance thing?

Not the first time I have been hit on by a guy but it never felt like this, only notable thing in between was that they were feminine (twink?) but I don’t mind feminine girls so its got me in a loop again.

I feel like a mess, all these little things are starting to come back to me—I liked him but would that even work? Im masculine myself and I really enjoy being ‘the man’ of the relationship and I don’t quite like being babied or ‘supported’, I know I’m assuming what he likes but even if I did pursue a man like that I figure at some point we’d butt heads in some areas.

I wasn’t going to write about this but I’m so deep into it I might as well, I know not all masculine men top but I figure most do? If I did anything I would prefer to be on top but what if he is the same? now we have a sword fight? What if I didn’t want him like that but got confused? I think I was but I also wanted to suck his cock, also feeling extremely guilty about god all of a sudden for wanting to suck dick even though I left religion years ago.

Fuck this im going to bed, I need advice.

So, my brother has Down Syndrome and also another smaller neurodevelopment disability, which is just fine but he has regressed so much over the years that he no longer can speak the few words he knew (now its only mama and dada) other than that its a few sign language words and screaming. (Plus hitting his head on things or people, biting, scratching, slapping and hair pulling)

This puts a LOT of stress on the family, pretty much everyone is extremely burned out, and we have tried ADHD medication as well as prescribed CBD but neither work to the effect needed.

My main point is recently after a breakdown from one of the family members I brought up the idea of some kind of institution where we could place him for a few days long, nothing more than a week. The response I got was an immediate shut down of it, they looked at me as if I was insane; that I was attempting to place him in an ‘insane asylum’ and even at that, the recommendation had been brought forth by another third party professional, (though not one specialized with level three special needs.) what can I do? What can we do? I don’t know anymore but I thought my idea was realistic and sensible.

He keeps getting bigger though he’s small for his age and I don’t have the time or stability to take care of him (I must focus on schooling) the other family members the same have to either focus on work or simply are not physically able to keep up with him.

Small side note, we too are neurodivergent but extremely low levels of support are needed for us, though we struggle with burnout and other mental health needs, (I really don’t want to go so deep into everything but its safe to say we live in a high stress home that only makes it more difficult) plus outside stress factors AND the ones from my brother as below.

-The school he goes to doesn’t even put in effort into actually taking care of him. (Though we fight for it)
-Struggles with acid reflux/throwing up.
-I am worried about CTE from all the head hitting.
-He NEEDS attention at all times.
-Little to no privacy. (He will open locked bathroom doors)
-Being aggressive.
-Purposely spitting on others or things for a reaction.
-Forcing himself to puke.
-Eating/putting things in his mouth from literally anywhere. (+ sick often)
-Cannot go out to restaurants/places without being uncooperative and a disruption for others.
-SOME family members don’t understand that other people don’t find him cute like we do and impose on them by letting him approach and attempt such behaviours.

This is getting extremely long so I will cut it here, and before anyone asks—no we cannot pay for a nanny. Please above all don’t get me wrong, I love my brother with all my heart and he has taught me plenty about love, patience and kindness. Although he can be hard to live with and at times I feel as though I am constantly in fight or flight, at this point I’m not even sure if I’m venting or asking for genuine advice but if anyone has any ideas or thoughts please share them.