r/siblingsupport

My younger brother (15M) has been diagnosed with adhd, dyslexia and has some other behavioral issues, affecting his executive functions and impairing his understanding of social cues

My brother has been someone who openly displays affection, since he was a child. He's well liked by older people because of it

By affection I mean hugging, holding wrists, standing really close to you

Some more things about him : He often takes people asking for space as rejecting or hating him which annoys me but no matter how many gazillions of times I tried explaining this to him he still get's hurt.

He's never had friends and has been bullied his entire life so he's homeschooled. He's able to make friends for a little while but has never been able to maintain them, this isn't like my parents haven't tried to help him make friends, he truly always ends up either being bullied or isolated because he externally looks like a regular kid but he isn't and kids are jerks so he get's relentlessly picked on because of it. He's said he's tired of trying so my parents and I have set that issue aside and have been helping with mostly with school and focusing on his other problems rather than this

but even though he has a ton of things going on he is at his core a pretty great guy as I know this is going to come across a biased anyway but as a pretty critical person myself , he just doesn't realize it.

I apologize if this is very haphazardly written, this is my first time trying to describe his behavior to people that don't know him

About 3 months ago my brother joined a educational institute to help him pursue to career he's interested in, and it's been brought to our attention (by staff because he doesn't have the capability to recognize it himself) that he isn't respecting other people's personal spaces.

This is something we've been working on but I just don't think the severity of it is getting through to him, especially with women. Verbal conversations only get so far with my brother, repetition of instructions only work so well too.

I've recently been able to convince my mother to get him back on medication after he had a bad experience with it when he was younger, and he also visited a new doctor today.

Said doctor has given him the task of begin conscious of his and others personal space

I wanted to ask for any advice, or videos to show him anyone thinks would help.

I did do research but it was either for much younger kids or because the kids were being sexual which is thankfully not what this is

I'm hoping that this reaches the right audience (psychologists, developmental pediatricians, etc.). Preferably from the Philippines, but I would gladly love to hear advice from other countries too.

So I have a brother (MC = middle child) that is most likely a neurodivergent, and another brother (youngest) that is a diagnosed neurodivergent, which allows him to get the help that he needs, which is therapy.

On the other hand, brother MC is undiagnosed, he's an elementary student going on to high school, and he hates doctors which is why we can't just bring him to a check-up, it's difficult because MC's traits and attitude are a large interference in our family life, as his personality is to annoy basically every one of us in the family, including extended family. For example, on summer break when our cousins are at our house, when me and my girl cousin are together, all MC does is annoy us, he says stuff like "why are they talking" something like that. I can't understand if it's jealousy or something else, but I know for sure that he can't comprehend me and my girl cousin's relationship.

Sometimes for no reason, MC would annoy any of us by shouting randomly, banging, kicking, and stomping loudly. He would also do that to wake me up when I need to sleep in. Even when we would tell MC to stop, he would not budge. He's what you would call na matigas ang ulo.

He would also do exaggerated facial expressions, I don't know if it's intentional or just to annoy us. This includes him sticking out his tongue, nang-iirap, just any expression that's not what someone would call normal.

He only stops what he's doing when my parent really yells and throws stuff to make him understand what he's being told.

Brother MC has some speech problems, he can speak english and tagalog, but his grammar isn't the best. He also can't comprehend basic manners and etiquette, he would be disrespectful towards our parent and grandparent, he would talk back with a yelling voice to them, but at school, he is quiet. For example, when a parent is mad at him, he would say "Lagi mo'kong ginagalit" when the right word for 'ginagalit' would be 'pinapagalitan'. He would use "tinatanong" when the real meaning of it from his sentence is "sinasabi".

Whenever we would correct what MC's doing wrong, regarding speech, especially manners and etiquette, he would always ask why he has to do what we're saying, he would say it with a tone that some would find disrespectful. MC also hates getting haircuts, nasagaran lang siguro ng panggupit yung buhok niya nung batang-bata pa siya, he was crying during that. After that happened, only our family cut his hair,, using scissors, and even if we don't use the pang-shave na tool, he's still afraid of the scissors

Ever since MC was a toddler, he hated loud laughter/sounds I think. The first time we brought him to a birthday party he was about 1- 2yrs, we were surprised because when it started to get loud he started crying. Anytime we brought him to a birthday party, gathering, etc. that had someone who laughed loudly, he would cry whilst getting mad and stuff so what happens now is we don't bring him or someone in the family seperates him from the event.

I hope someone can give me advice on how we can give him a check-up without him being aware so that he can get the help he needs. We're desperate for advice 🙏🏼

I'm a Brazilian 23 year old History Major, already working as a teacher, girlfriend whom I love and she loves me back, a structured family and a beautiful younger sister who is the joy of my life (she's 13 yo).

I have a lot of people today who love me and are loved back. But not even one of them truly understand my feelings.

I was born as a identical twin back in 2003. My brother Enzo was the greatest friend I ever had and I just have nice memories with him. Enzo always has health issues, he never cried, took 2 years to walk and couldn't eat properly without help. Even so, he never victimized himself and was funny as hell.

When we were 5, he choked at school with bread inside the class next to mine and died the weeks following it

My parents never allowed me to have any kind of contact with the body or with him (while the hospital equipment kept him alive), so my last memory of Enzo is sleeping in the same Bed as him the day before his choking.

18 years passed, and there wasn't a single day i didn't feel alone. I'm not comparing pain or insinuating that one pain is superior to another, but my parents eventually knew other parents who lost their children at a young age.

I never met anyone in my entire life who lost their identical twin at such young age.

And it f*cking hurts so much. I hate to see my girlfriend being sad because she is unable to help me, hate the fact that after all this time, I never met someone who had the same issue.

I came here to ask gently to surpass that barrier, to talk, after so many time, to someone who actually understands my pain

Sorry for bad English, it isn't my main language.

Hi everyone, I have a big story and would really appreciate some advice. I will try to sum it up, but I need to give a lot of context. Apologies if I yap too much.

For context, I have a severely disabled sister with cerebral palsy, and I currently work for her as a teacher aide (a government issued job). I am also a full-time University student studying Psychology, and I have another job at a grocery store on weekends. Yesterday, my boss crossed a major line, all I will say, is that if I mentioned what he did, this post would get banned. I am quitting this job for my safety.

My teacher aide job with my sister also ends this year when she finishes school. However, my parents have been wanting me to become my sister's caregiver in the future and have been in talks with the company (issued by the government). I asked my parents about quitting my abusive job and about the future caregiver role. This was a mistake. They flipped out, calling me ungrateful, lazy, and said I barely look after my sister (ironic since my coworkers have praised my impact on her education). They called me a terrible sister and selfish for not being a slave at home.

They admitted they only had me to take care of my sister, and have told me my entire life that my only purpose is to take care of her. I am the youngest, but have been forced to act like the eldest. I was neglected as a child because of my sister's hospital visits and needs, and had to fend for myself, which was especially hard since I am blind in one eye. I have adapted and am grateful for my independence, and I genuinely love my sister deeply. I love my teacher aide job and am sad to leave. The pay helps me save for my future goals of moving out and becoming stable. My parents' anger confuses me. My mother even said she wished I wasn't in the picture and that she wanted a more competent daughter.

I have considered asking my teacher aide boss for another position within the company, and I am looking for other jobs, but opportunities in my country are scarce. I don't like making decisions without having a backup plan. My two jobs helped me save a large sum for money, which I have contributed for my future (moving out and future stability). But I can no longer handle the abuse anymore. Would I be the asshole for wanting to take the caretaker job, even though I already take care of her every day and would do it regardless? Would it wrong for me to want to be paid for a position that I already do daily?

Thank you for reading. Please do not hesitate to be honest in the comments.

Context: my brother is 17 (a year and a half younger than me) and especially since getting past age 11 or 12, his empathy levels just haven't been the same. I think it's just that thing of losing childhood innocence and growing up but he definitely doesn't have the same sympathy/empathy levels that anyone in my house does.

He can be blatantly selfish, eg. If I ride in the middle seat in the back of the car on a super long journey, and even buy snacks for everyone including him at the pitstop, I'll be hard-pressed to get him to take his turn sitting in the middle. Or when we all play on the Playstation he talks down to me and my sister a lot, often being impatient, saying things like shut up and just getting mad. Then when I have an issue with it (my sister is very non confrontational so she never speaks up for herself) he makes ME out to be the problem and frames it as though I'm a highly emotional nearly unstable person who just can't get on with things (I was calm the entire time just asking him to tone it down and be more polite because it's not as enjoyable otherwise). Or when I buy my own food and sweets and he thinks he can have some (when I say he can't, sometimes he makes me feel greedy/guilty) but when it's the opposite way around I would absolutely be killed by him for having some of his food😅 Or there was a time my mom kept interrupting me every sentence I was starting (she's very passionate but it means she's prone to talking loudly and talking over people sometimes) and I kept asking her to stop but she didn't listen (this happened for months and eventually I broke down in tears because I couldn't say one thing and just wasn't being listened to) and my brother looked down on me for it saying I was a crybaby. He just had no sympathy. And the reason? He doesn't know what it's like to be interrupted so much because he has a deep voice. Male voices carry over female voices (my voice is unfortunately too easy to be intercepted no matter how much I project myself and believe me I've tried everything). My mother does try to interrupting him as she does when she gets passionate about a topic but it usually doesn't work on him because he has a deep voice. So to him it's like "yeah she interrupts all of us so what ..😐" when it's not remotely the same. No matter what way I explained it he just didn't believe me, I was the problem. And that's common for him. He never just believes me, he'll question everything (to the point where I actually have a running joke by calling him a lawyer when he does it) like "when was this, where was it, what exactly did you/I say" and million other things. It's never necessary. If he says something, I believe him, I don't quiz him or need him to prove it to me, but he isn't the same way and I wonder why. It's not very nice and I've explained all of that to him before but he doesn't see anything wrong. He never apologises ( I actually can apologise for stuff, so can my sister). Also he's a really funny person but whenever he does or says something mean and then makes a joke that I or anyone laughs at, he believes it takes away from whatever means thing he's done. In other words being funny absolves him from any responsibility...

I think growing up my parents parented me the most as I'm the oldest but for some reason they didn't discipline him as much compared to my experiences (he totallyyy disagrees with this, but of course he would).

More context: my sister was treated like the family gem as she's the youngest until she kind of became a brat especially when she got a phone (it turned her into a monster 💀) so then they actually hard core parented her and now she's an angel again. But none of this kind of parenting ever happened with my brother. And I feel like that's bad since in most families the boy (s) are parented more harshly usually to instill good character and hard work. Idk maybe I'm wrong.

For the record, I'm a good sister, honestly. I've always been kind and I'm not claiming to be perfect but I know without a doubt that I'm a thoughtful, caring sister (I bake, play with my siblings, to jobs for them, am kind to them, look out for them, etc). Tbh I'm probably a little bit more sensitive than the average person but I think that can be a good thing because it means I know how to be empathetic, kind and avoid being like my brother.

And it sounds like my brother's is bad, he's not but he certainly isn't perfect either. Maybe he's just what is known as "a boy's boy". Or maybe it's the testosterone as that also affects behaviour, but then again all boys have testosterone so I don't know.

What do you guys think and can you relate? I'd appreciate anyone's insight.

Hey im a girl (18) I have a younger brother let's call him Mike and he doenst have any disabilities or conditions as far as I know but he behaves in what i can only describe as weird ways .He still doenst speak that clearly and mixes up sounds , he cant tells stories or talk in the "mature" way that kids do at that age .he hasn't had much social interaction since birth as my parents were always busy so he mostly grew up on unsupervised media which probably is the root cause of his behaviour .he does inappropriate stuff like scream or behave in ways similar to a much younger child and he doenst really comprehend most things .

I suspect that most of his behaviour stems from undersocialization since he just doesn't understand norms and how to behave .now I wanna be clear I love my brother ,like much more than my other brothers but sometimes Idk how to deal with him and I scold him or say no to alot of things to help him fit in .when other kids are playing he cant really join them since he doenst know how to interact with them and they always ask me why he talks like that which is when I try to tell Mike to stop saying some things but I can see it hurts him .

I don't want him to be hurt but I dont wanna enable bad behavior either .I honestly just don't know what to do , I've been trying to make my parents take him to a child therapist since he was 4 and didn't speak but they still ignore his issues and say he'll grow out of them . I want him to be happy and have friends and not be bullied but I also don't know how to help him .furthermore im going to uni next yr and then he'll be all alone and I know my parents will just let him use his phone all the time making it worse .if anyone has gone thru something similar or knows how I can help him please let me know , I haven't always been a good sister but im really trying .thankyou

Edit : I think the cultural differences between my country and the commenters is too significant so please don't judge my parents too harshly this definitely isn't somewhere I came for real answers I was more just looking for validation that im not crazy and making a big deal out of nth .

Sorry if I sound rude or insensitive, I'm really tired of dealing with this.

My sibling has mild autism mixed with depression and it's getting impossible to handle. My family has spent so much money trying to get them to feel better but it's like a never ending loop of getting better then suddenly everything's crashing down.

There have been many instances where they have hurt themselves and it's really annoying. I have to guard the sharp objects in the house just to make sure they can't get their hands on it.

I really feel like I cannot handle being in the same house as this person or dealing with them because it makes me so angry. Instead of being able to enjoy my time at home I have to deal with them. My parents don't understand why I'm angry about this because according to them, "I'm not the one dealing with it."

And most of the time, my sibling being suicidal makes me suicidal too cause I feel like I will never get out of taking care of them.

Please give advice because I am so close to breaking. Thank you

I’m 17F and my sister is 13F. We both grew up in a physically, mentally, and verbally abusive household with our mother from birth until about a year ago. We now live with our dad, and things are much safer than they were before.
My sister has always been the quieter one, and I’ve always thought she was a little different, but lately I’ve started becoming genuinely concerned about her behavior and mental health. I’m not trying ti assume things, and I know Reddit obviously can’t diagnose a child. I’m just trying to understand what could be going on and whether I should be pushing my dad to get her professional help.

Some of the things I’ve noticed:
She makes extremely disturbing jokes about things like killing people, ripping someone’s hair out, or ripping off someone’s fingernails. Sometimes she says things about doing these things to herself too.

She draws anime-style pictures pretty frequently, and a lot of them contain blood or violence.

She has previously hurt herself, although it hasn’t been severe as far as I know.

She has a really difficult time with boundaries and personal space.

She can have extremely intense meltdowns over things that seem small. For example, today our dad asked her to clean her bed because she had plates sitting on it. She immediately started sobbing and saying that nobody listens to her and that we don’t care about what she says.

She frequently compares herself to me, especially because I’m older and have different rules. For example, today she became upset that I have unlimited screen time while she gets about two hours.

She is extremely attached to her phone. Her screen time is limited, but she can earn additional time by doing chores or being well-behaved.

She told us that at school she intentionally pretends to be stupid so teachers and classmates will think she’s incapable and won’t expect as much from her.

She doesn’t seem to care much about her appearance or hygiene. She often doesn’t brush her hair even when we offer to help, and her showers are sometimes only around five minutes.

She sings in ways that can be really creepy/disturbing and sometimes deliberately tries to freak people out.

She eats pencil lead even though we’ve told her not to.

When she gets in trouble, she can start stuttering, crying, and acting extremely distressed, and sometimes it feels like she’s putting on a whole performance that makes everyone feel guilty for disciplining her.

She struggles with respecting other people’s personal space and boundaries.
She doesn’t seem to have many friends at school and apparently isn’t very well-liked.

She can be very quiet and withdrawn at other times.

I’ve started wondering whether this could be trauma-related, ADHD, autism, depression, anxiety, emotional dysregulation, or some kind of behavioral disorder. I have also wondered about narcissism or psychopathy, but I don’t know if that’s completely unreasonable to think about. I don’t want to label a 13-year-old based on things I don’t understand.
I’m also starting to feel resentment toward her, which makes me feel horrible because I know she’s a kid and she went through the same household I did. But I’m becoming genuinely uncomfortable around her sometimes, and lately I’ve even started feeling afraid of her because of some of the things she says and does.
I love my sister and I don’t want to do the wrong thing. I often feel she wants things to be worse for her than it is. i went without seeing her for 2 years because i was in a residential group home but i came for again a year ago so im not sure what happened to her during that period.

I’d really appreciate advice from people who have experienced something similar, especially people who grew up with traumatized siblings

Hi reddit, this is my first post ever so i'm not really sure how this works or if this is the right subreddit for this. Any names used will be changed.

So like the title says I'm starting to grow to dislike my sibling, I don't wanna say hate but we're getting there. Recently I've graduated college and since the job market right now isn't great, I've had to move back home, this is the main cause of the problem. Whilst I was in college I had my own apartment and my relationship with both my parents and my sibling were great. But now that I've moved back home I feel like I'm suffocating.

I should mention that my sibling is diagnosed autistic, they're non-verbal and working at about a 6th grade level as a senior in high school.

My old room was turned into something else and can't be used, so I've gone down into the guest bed in the basement. So I went from a whole apartment to myself, to one room which was a big adjustment. Also should mention, my sibling has had free rein of the basement for the entire time I've been at college. So also a big adjustment for them.

Now maybe I'm being an asshole, but I'm starting to grow resentment towards both my sibling and my parents for how they run the house. My sibling kinda gets a pass on most things since they have autism. What i mean by that is they don't have to do dishes, laundry, cleaning of any kind, if they make a mess either I or my parents will clean it, if they break something my parents will fix it or buy a new one, they have to be told when to do things like bathe, brush teeth, wash hands, etc. And if something doesn't go their way, they throw a tantrum, like smashing remotes, hitting computers, hitting themself, etc. It feels like we have to bend to their whim if we don't want a tantrum. And I'm sick of it.

For example yesterday they made a mess, idk random liquid was on the floor and since they're non-verbal we don't know what it was. Well I clean it up, since they won't and as I'm doing that my dad comes downstairs to see what's up. I explain and he starts questioning my sibling. Sibling just grunts (their way of saying I don't wanna talk about it) and goes to our storage room. Dad follows and asks where this electronic is cause that's probably what sibling wants, I tell my dad I took it and put it in my room. Dad asks why, I say because sibling doesn't need to mess with it. Dad gets pissy at me and tells me to give it to sibling. I ask why, dad says because that's what they want so just give it to them.

This has been happening for basically my whole life. I have to cave or give sibling whatever they want cause parents don't want to deal with meltdown. This is just one instance of it. As a kid I basically couldn't have anything of my own it was either shared or we "shared" it and then eventually I give up and just let them have it.

I've gotten upset since being home at these things, small things like the story I mentioned, like sibling gets to use 3 computers at a time or I can't play on our x-box because sibling will delete the file or won't hand over the controller. And every time I get upset they act like I'm the problem, I'm not giving enough grace to sibling because this is a big adjustment for them too. Or they look at it as the small thing it is and not the years of having to buckle to my siblings request. Even when I have my own apartment, if my parents and sibling came over, sibling got to run around and do whatever; mess with my washer and drying, mess with thermostat, mess with clocks and microwave. And if I said anything in regards to asking them to stop, I'm the bad guy because "they just want to check it out". Like imagine someone comes in your room and starts rearranging things to fit how they think it should look, that's what sibling does.

And parents are hurt by the fact that I hardly come out of my room anymore, I just stay in the basement.

I'm sick and tired of it and I don't know what to do other than try and get a job and move out, but I'm terrified I won't be able to land a job anytime soon and this will be my arrangement for much longer than I'd like. Any suggestions are welcome and appreciated.

edit: I do have a part time job that keeps me away for about 20 ish hours a week. But my sibling doesn't work, and my parents work at a school so everyone is on summer vacation, meaning everyone is home essentially everyday. And conversations regarding how i feel to my parents are mainly taken as jabs at their parenting style and that my opinion is essentially invalid since i have no idea how hard it is to have a child with autism.

edit 2: I have a lock on the door, but it's one that can easily be turned by putting your fingernail in the slot, tho sibling hasn't tried to go in my room since I moved in, so the room is a safe space.

I need outside perspective because everyone around me has moved on and I’m still sitting here feeling like I’m losing my mind.

Some context: I have been the backbone of my family for years. I’ve carried a lot like major death and loss, other family members’ struggles, being the one who holds things together. I’m used to it. But I’m tired.

My brother has a history of serious drug addiction. He has been sober from his drug of choice but has since developed what I can only describe as a serious drinking problem...one he completely denies. He says he can stop whenever he wants.
Over the last several months his behavior has been increasingly difficult. He speaks to me in a degrading tone consistently...it’s not playful, it’s nasty and harsh (for example...shut up you stupid bitch) He also knows I have sensory sensitivities around being touched in a specific way. (like my ears nothing super in appropriate he knows it sets me off) He is aware of how sensory triggers work. And yet when he’s been drinking he will deliberately taunt me with those exact triggers over and over until I react. Then when I do react he points to that as me being the problem.

About five months ago things came to a head at a major family milestone celebration.

He had made promises to multiple people that he wouldn’t drink that night. He was supposed to be responsible for several family members. He got heavily intoxicated anyway. Someone close to him ended up in tears. Family members who have a strained relationship with him were present and could clearly see how drunk he was. All this occurred within the home I just moved into.

When I confronted him he lied to my face before finally admitting he’d had “a few.” We talked the next day and I thought we cleared the air. I later discovered he had gone straight back to drinking after our conversation and continued for days.
Given his history with harder substances and the severity of his behavior I gave him a drug test. He took it and it came back clean. But when I tried to explain why his drinking was still alarming he became belligerent and defensive because he felt we had already moved on.

He sent a group apology to the family. It was a statement, not an apology. He never asked how anyone was feeling. He never reached out individually to the people most directly affected.
This has continued for months and things escalated again recently on his birthday of all days. He was drinking. He was doing the sensory taunting. He was speaking to me disrespectfully. I tried to calmly tell him he crossed my boundary. He flipped it and accused me of crossing his boundary over something lighthearted and playful that has been an inside joke between us for years rooted in genuine closeness and history. However, I honored his request but stood my ground, telling him that he continuously crosses a boundaries

He equated that to him repeatedly speaking to me in a degrading way. I called it out. He then gaslighted me claiming I never communicated my boundaries to him — which is not true.

I tried to end it peacefully because it was his birthday. He was not receptive.

I suggested therapy/ sub abuse programs. He got defensive.

The people around him enable him. Everyone else seems to always move on. I feel like I am the only one who sees what is actually happening.

Am I overreacting? Am I too close to this or am I seeing it clearly?

My brother 20 male has honestly changed a lot within the last few years. During highschool my mom forced him to be around other kids with disabilities because she felt bad for them. Most of them treated my brother like he didn’t even exist until they needed something from him. This is where is he only a little bit bad.

Starting college last year; he has changed a lot. He started rebelling a bit, my mom would force him to go out with those adults he didn’t want to, to events he didn’t want to. So all he did was lay on the floor and say no like a child. He’d basically have a tantrum.

Around April or may, he threw a water bottle at another kid and he started throwing open water bottles at my brother and I while we were on electronics. He would laugh and think it was funny and if we said anything he went straight to my parents who dismissed his behavior.

There’s only been one time in may that he like hit another kid and he took my parents as a joke so they yelled at him and he seemed a bit better after than. Until June, he has a swing set outside and he screams like he’s getting murdered. He plays hard rock and my parents cared in the begining but now they won’t do anything. They think it’s good because he’s “expressing himself”

Anyways, he started choking me, I’m 17 and a female so he thinks that he can just over power me. Which he kindof can he’s 120 pounds pure muscle. As soon as I just laugh he charges at me and chokes me. The first few times I was so shocked I just didn’t know what to do. Now once I realize it’s happening I push him off and just say how would you feel if I did that to you. I really don’t want to like hurt him but I feel like if I don’t like sucker punch him then he’s never going to learn that he can’t jsut choke people because he’s “upset.”

He threatens my oldest brother and I, and if we do anything my parents make excuese. They say well you were laughing at him so he got upset. It gives him no right. I’m not sure what to do, I know it’s my parents fault that he’s liek this but they really are thinking about taking him to get those pills to make him all depressed n shit. I know like we can discipline him but not with my parents around.

Idk it hurts to see him like this knowing he was such a sweet kid and it jsut won’t leave my mind because I’m leaving for college next year for undergrad and my oldest brother is leaving for med school next year so we’re kisnof stuck between like trying to jsut figure something out and letting him jsut continue to get worse.

Any advice helps I guess, just looking for any ideas I guess or soemtjing to help.

ive spent more time with my sister (who is half my age) than my parents have in these few years bc they were so busy with other stuff.

They finally have time for her but theyre in their 50s and too exhausted to raise a 12 year old girl.

This means for some reason ive turned into my younger sister’s (and family’s tbh) punching bag.

Im pretty sure she’s autistic or nureodivergent bc i am too. I take rejection really badly. She’s always too much. Shes so much like me that I don’t know why she can’t accept me.

My mom does not care if my younger sister throws her garbage at me, spits at me, uses swear words or insults me.

I get called a psychopath, a bitch, a fat piece of shit. Etc.

It’s like she doesn’t understand why it’s wrong to be rude because people on tv are rude and it’s fine.

Even if i get angry quickly and did fight back, 3 years have passed and honestly. I believe Ive learned to let it go and try to move on. (My parents dont think so. They think i get angry at her too quickly)

However I still get moments of pure anger where I can’t handle being disrespected by her. I do slap her. I do yell at her. But i never swear or insult her. I am in the wrong and am not trying to be biased but I stg the most I tell her is that shes ill-mannered.

My parents don’t care. Since im the oldest they see it as my fault. That im starting shit. I cry. I beg them to listen to me but they don’t care.

They hate being parents and its obvious to everyone.

My family doesn’t even realize that this is the biggest reason why im planning on leaving them and immigrating to a different country as soon as I can.

Some background before I start. My father died during Covid, so for so long it’s been me (18) my brother (17 non verbal autism,) my grandparents, and my mom for a very long time. Since she didn’t have a second parent to help with my brother I have been the one she usually turns to other than my grandparents who live with us. My mother is also somewhat strict and overprotective to the point where I didn’t get a phone until highschool and wasn’t allowed to have social media even now (she has parental controls on my phone even after I have graduated) I have not had a lot of freedom to do things on my own. My brother is non verbal autistic and high on the spectrum, not only that but he has OCD, he can’t take care of himself. He has also had a history of destroying things when upset and has even flooded the upstairs of our house and my room before. Not only that but he also has a history of running away and now has to have a tracker on him.I myself have been diagnosed with high anxiety, adhd, and depression.The problem comes with me not wanting to watch him when my mom goes out any more or at least not at much. My mother recently has gotten a boyfriend a few years after my father’s death, I have met the guy and I like him and he’s good for my mom. (Don’t get me wrong am very happy for her.) But because of this they have been going out alone together a lot and for long periods of times. Leaving me with my brother. My grandparents are there but they can’t do much. Am usually the one responsible for him. I love them all so much and get that my mom has been alone taking care of us (we were a lot) for a long time, and even with my grandparents it’s still hard. Everytime I watch him lately I get tense, stressed, and anxious. I worry constantly about things due to his history. My grandparents try to help but they end up just getting in the way and contradicting what I say and making my brother confused. I myself am now at the age we’re am starting community college and a job and am given freedoms that I haven’t before, and it’s frustrating that I can’t when I have to be at home watching my brother. My brother is twice my size and way stronger and faster than me, if he decides to run or lash out theres not much I can do other then try my damn hardest. I feel really bad and worry that if I don’t help out with my brother I could affect my moms relationship with her boyfriend (her boyfriend doesn’t hate my brother and actually likes him but I don’t think he’s really ready to really handle him). I have been watching him for years and have been told am good at it, my brother isn’t even the first child nor special needs child I have watched over. Just something about watching him lately has been setting me off. Maybe it’s the lack of freedom or control, or maybe stress from worrying about college coming up. I do not know. Am sorry this is more of a dump than a post.

My husband and I have 3 kids together. We have been together for 13, married for 11. Our oldest has had severe medical issues since birth and still does. Because of this it has affected our marriage in terms of how we talk to each other and as well it affects our other kids. Without giving too much details, our oldest is not like other kids his age, he’s on medical equipment and cannot speak on his own.

Our middle child who is 10 recently expressed to me how he is embarrassed by his older brother and feels a level of shame because he can’t play with his brother like other kids play with their siblings. And I genuinely can understand from a 10yr old brain how that must make him feel and I emphasized with him heavily and just talked it out with him. My husband on the other hand is VERY protective of our oldest. So much so he has literally pushed my medical ideas and opinions aside and he has tunnel vision around our oldest.

I love my husband, he’s a good man, he’s a good husband, and a loving father, but his tunnel vision is affecting our marriage and his relationship with his other kids. Part of me feels like I should get a divorce for the sake of our other children’s mental health. But I also have no one. I have no family, literally none. I don’t feel like divorce is even an option I can consider. I haven’t worked in 10yrs…

We have tried individual therapy, marriage counseling, grief counseling, we have both been on anti depressants. I just don’t know what to do anymore and I see our middle son really struggling and his dad isn’t being there for him because he’s too focused on our oldest with medical needs.

Also I am a very communicative person and I have genuinely expressed all of these feelings (minus divorce) with him. He just keeps saying he will try and do better and I do think over the years it has gotten maybe a little better but it is overwhelming. And our middle son “knows” the oldest comes first and I hate that he even thinks like that. Because it also has strained the relationship they could have had.

For context: I´m 3 years older than my brother who now a days is 14. Our parents are divorced for almost 10 years. He is my height and weight, if not higher. (And this used, and sometimes is, an insecurity of mine, because of feeling like I´m underdeveloped for my age, or that he is overdeveloped for his. Making me feel like a mix of envy and jealousy.)

Since my brother was a child he has had behaivour problems. Like diagnosed by psychiatrists and so. Mostly related to expressing and communication. For example when something bothered him, he would make it a big deal, not try to fix it, and started throwing thing and breaking things. ( When he was like 3-9 )

Then as he grew up things evolved to new forms of doing a tantrum about small, easy fixable problems or discutions. Now cursing, and saying thing that hurted both me and my mom. Developing some cruelty.

But something I want to mention before continiuing is that there are times ( we both are in good mood) were we where brotherly and enjoyed our company, or shared intrest, etc.. And I always try to revive this times/moments, but its getting hard to keep trying to making he realize that he is somethimes an idiot. And a real one. Like an asshole.

The new problem, is that 2 months ago he insisted to get cats, and promised he would take care of them, to basically start becoming responsable of our pets. Because in previous occasions he didn´t do to take care of our pets. And when they arrived, the first day he cleaned the sand, etc.. But when one of them dislocated its leg, or they got ringworm, he didn't took initiative in helping with their needs. If they would have depended in him and not in me and my mom, they would have died.

Another example is last week, when my mom got phone scamed and lost a lot of her saving and credits, obviously as an accident, and my brother blamed her of ruining his life, and saying that why does he has to have a mom like her, plus some other things. Not trying to comfort her or helping her fix this issue.

My mom has always been the structure of my family, even when my dad was around. I mean like, the house is her, the car is hers .She always puts us in the first place, does everything for us. Pays for a expensive school. All alone, plus she always is there for us to help us, or hear our problems. And especially last year, like when she isolated with me for 3-4 months while i was battling leukemia. I mean she alone is the reason I´m alive. And for my brother who by the rest of my family was treated like a monster when little, she protected him and defended him, even when my dad rejected him.

In that case I talked to him, and he appologised but, the issue is that is not a one time thin. He is like that frecuently. Mainly with her or me. And when i try to defend my mom, or plead for something that is right but his foul, he takes it real bad and ends with more problem than solution.

So in synthesis he has become a really selfish, disconected, irresponsible, nasty and cruel person, and the years an years of dealing with it , and beliving he would change when he got more mature has make me tired of it. Now i don´t want to talk to him, be with him, see him, nothing at all.

I´m tired of everytime that when problems and tensions appear, after these incidents, I always try to help him understand what happened and how to avoid similar fights. Or I offer constructive criticism to help him change some of his behavior. Sometimes he changes for a while, but then he falls back into the same vicious cycle, shattering that trust and hope again.

I think right now i hate him, because of actually not wanting to change, and franklly blame him of making the mayority of issues in our house.

I need help with what to do now, how to end this disgusting feeling of hating someone so close, or this deep disapoinment. Idk.

I´m sorry if something is spelled wrong, English is no my first language. And sorry for the size but i needed to relieve some of it. ( t is a lot longer, and a lot of details)