u/Ill-violetgreen

So I (34F) have 3 kids. One of them is severly disabled. He has a muscle disease, wheelchair, breathing machine, gtube, its the total package. I love this kid to death, without making it a cliche. He is funny, sweet, smart and has his own independent creative thoughts about things.

My husband (39) doesnt seem to know what we’re dealing with. I do all the care. Like feeding him, the breathing machine, the paperwork, I talk with his docters, school, I clean his stuff, store his supplies. But my husband doesnt work fulltime, he works maybe 25% of the time. So he sits a lot at home, judging me. Why is the house messy? Why are you lying down? Why are you on your phone? Shouldnt you be cleaning like other women?

Its annoying, stupid and disgusting. I try to tell him that its a lot of work, taking care of a sick child. And then he cuts me off “yeah right, all you do is sleep”. I am burned out at this point. I am so exhausted, its not even funny anymore. I make sure that I cook most of the days, make lunch and breakfast for everyone. And the laundry and the basic things like showering the kids. In between i am tired and i try to take naps or lie down. The latest feeding is at 12 at night so most of the time I am in bed at 1. When I ask my husband to do the nightshift, he gets angry, and says he doesnt want to do it. Its so ridiculous, but I am tired to argue about it. Its easier to just fix it and be tired and frustrated later about it.

This man doesnt see me at all. Not in a literal or figurative way. He is a lot scrolling on tiktok, goes out with his family or friends. Sometimes he seems to avoid the emotional or mental load of whats going on. When someone asks how our son is doing he says “fine, he is doing perfect”. He doesnt acknowledge the weight of his disease and our condition. He might be in a sort of denial in some moments, but I dont feel its fair to our kid. He admitted that he was sometimes ashamed of him because he drools a lot. He doesnt have control over his muscles. And that felt so f-ed up, because oir son LOVES people. And loves to go to events, restaurants and stuff. He will take the other kids without a second guess. But when it comes to our sick child, he will say “its gonna be crowded” or “im not sure he will like it” etc. It makes my blood boil, because I end up thinking about an activity at home, and I am already on my last nerve.

The main thing for now is that he is in my neck, watching and judging me and I dont feel that he does enough. When he goes out, I feel so relaxed. I will put the kids to bed and read a book with a snack. Sometimes I even manage to clean the house and make it spotless when he is not at home. But the second he comes in, its like “why are there crumbs om the floor?” And he will touch them like a sort of inspector. “Didnt you take the trash out?” While he kicks the bin. I hate his behaviour so much. And yet he claims that we are destined together and that I need to stay. But he doesnt give me a reason.

I just wanted to vent honestly.

And I wanted to ask if this tends to get better?

My husband (39yo) is a jealous man. Insecure, if you will. He doesnt like me (34yo) interacting with men wich I get to a certain level. But he watches me a lot, like how I speak, what I say. He also watches other guys when they talk to me, like of they make eyecontact with me, if they smile, if they are being “too nice”. Extremely hyperfocussed. Sometimes he watches through the security footage of our house and scolds me later that I was “too nice” or my voice “too feminine” when I said “thank you” to the delivery guy. He will play the video later in front of me and ask me to explain. Sometimes He makes me twirl around when we go out to see if my figure shows too much. He’s been always like that and it got only much worse since i had kids. I thought that it would lessen to be honest. You know, kids, maybe a little more out of shape, less attractive? But its like a habit he cant unlearn.

He watches me all day. But now he added another thing. He is jealous and possessive, but sometimes I almost feel he is jealous of me? I am not a ten, not even a 7/8, but I feel comfortable with myself. I know my flaws and its okay for me. Its stupid. But I kinda like my hair. I get a lot of compliments. I like to take care of it, like blow-outs, masks, treatments. I do all of it myself, in the bathroom, at the end of the day to relax. And he wont tell me that it looks nice. He is bald by the way, and he is very upset that he doesnt have hair. He got bald in his early twenties. And he has the nerve to say when I am pampering myself: “those treatments wont help” or “why all the effort, just accept it doesnt look good”. And its a lie, because i know it still looks good. Ofcourse I lost a bit after several pregnancies but you cant tell. He always walks in and looks awkward at me when I do my hair or something for myself. He also makes stupid jokes and when I say its insulting, he will say: “you cant take any jokes. I told you once that you look fine. I wont repeat it” i am not the type that fishes for compliments btw.

I am not insecure about myself and it looks like he only worsened since he realized that. “Those creams wont help.” “You have circles under your eyes.” Or stupid questions that I have no answer for like: “Why does your hair look like that?” “Whats wrong with your lips?” Or: “looking like a drag queen” “are you going to a halloween party with those shoes?” Its not cute banter because he knows i dont like it, especially when he knows i was preppimg myself for a long time. And when he compliments he does it in a too nonchalant way. Its so annoying. The whole “getting ready” thing is annoying him. Not because it takes lomg, but something triggers him. He will glare at me and sulk like a kid.

He looks fine. Like other women notice him, he isnt ugly at all. He is charming and funny outside. I dont get why he acts like this. It feels sometimes that he is so focussed on me that he is seeing me as an opponent, a person he competes with. Could this be true? And why? When I talk to him and tell him that he should be someone he finds attractive, he gets angry, because he doesnt want me to leave. He will say he is sorry and tell me that he loves me and that its just him being an asshole. That I am his beautiful princess and what not.

It feels like a paradox and it gives me emotional whiplash.

This book ruined me in the best way. It was so well written and I felt so so close to the characters.

I wonder if there is something similar.

Young adults
Highschool/college/uni
Trauma
And well well written

I feel like i want to finish book just to get it off my list these days. I want a book that is so good that i’ll keep thinking about it for days.

There needs to be a good plot and gutpunching moments.

No boys of tommen or elle kennedy please.

My husband (39) doesnt find my legs attractive when we have sex, because I (34) have bruises on them from time to time. I bruise very easily. I went to my GP, run tests but they didnt find an explanation after ruling out some conditions.

My legs are smooth, but he tends to zoom in on things that dont look perfect. I put time in caring for my skin. I really try my best but i can make the bruises go away like that. And it feels weird to cover them up with concealer. He literally said: “yeah.. yesterday felt kind of off when we did it..” so i made a joke and said: “didnt you know, some people like some bruises on legs 😆” and he was all serious and said: “im not really into those bruises.”

What do i do? Just put concealer on them? Or is he just being weird?

Tl:dr husband doesnt like the bruises on my legs while having sex

We’ve been married for 11 years.

He was never a kisser.

When we got married we were both virgins. We were both inexperienced.

I really tried my best with everything. Like doing what he likes in bed, accepting certain kinks. I never treated him weird or ridiculed him. But he didnt focus on me. For the first years he didnt even let me come (sorry for being specific). He was a bit selfish and I had to ask everything. “Could you try this?” “Would you do that?” “Can you try this?” I felt so stupid, having to ask for everything. He didnt initiate pleasuring me, so we had a lot of friction, because he said “you are always nagging that I dont please you, stop bothering me”. It was stupid and sex made me upset. It also hurt, because I wasnt aroused when we did it, since he didnt “warm” me up. I really thought it was normal to have pain. At one point he even accused me of being not motivated, because I didnt “move along” while doing it. He didnt understand that it physically hurt. I really thought I was broken. I wondered how other women felt, because I heard all those stories of good sexual experienced. So I figured it was my fault.

The last years went better. He listens actually when I tell him something in bed. He seems more mature and less petty. But there are still things he wont do. Like kissing. He tells me that he doesnt like french kissing because he feels like he has to throw up when there is a tongue in his mouth. I am not wild, I am actually very considerate. I dont force him at all. I always start with a few pecks on the mouth but I feel him stiffening, flinching. It makes me so uncomfortable. So then I stop. He doesnt like the sensation. Its too close and too intimate for him. He is in general very sensitive for touch and smell. He does kiss me on my hands and cheeks, like a lot.

I always take care of my hygiene, I always smell good, look good. He compliments me daily and he gets aroused easily around me. He likes our sexual connection, but mostly on his terms.

And it actually bothers me. I am 30 plus, and I just want.. a good make out session. Call me childish. But at this point I dont even care about sex in itself. I like the intimacy of kissing, breathing each other in. He told me I am too romantic and watched too much movies. In my head I answer “and you watched maybe too much porn”, but I never talk back when he calls me stupid for wanting what I want.

Its becoming my secret now, a secret thing I really want, and probably will never get. I go to that mentally happy place everyday, fantasizing about a day were I can experience real kissing. And then I bury those thoughts again.

He is nice to me, he cuddles me, thinks I’m cute and hot, but is doesnt seem enough. He isnt bad, I dont think I can leave him for this. We have kids. And its just way too complex. I though at one point: does he even like me? Is he gay? Maybe its me?

But he is glued to me, he wants to be in my presence all the time. He wants to have quality time every day, buys me my favourite snacks, he surprises me with romantic things (like flowers, little notes). It gives me emotional whiplash. He is also very jealous and posessive. I feel too much and also not enough from the things that I really crave. Things are good as they are now, but if I comment too much in our intimate relation, he gets upset, angry, almost petty. I feel spoiled and bad for wanting what I want. And sometimes I cry on the inside, because I cant let it out.

Does anyone have some experience with this problem? Any tips on what to do?

Tl;dr: anyone experience with a partner that doesnt like kissing while you are into it? Is it something you can let go?

TIA