u/IllusorySister

I've been talking to potential roommates for two months.

We're at the "we have compatibility, now we're looking at homes" phase. We have a spreadsheet with homes available for rent along with how they meet each of our needs (wheelchair access, pet friendly, proximity to college).

They've largely chosen a home I'm not okay with.

I know no home is ideal, but I would have been okay with other homes that have been looked at. I don't like the layout of this house, I don't like the neighborhood it's in, it gives me really bad vibes (like, alarm bell ringing bad vibes), and the other two keep talking about how wonderful it seems.

It's also owned by one of their current landlords, so they'd be maintaining that relationship.

This isn't somewhere I'd feel safe living, but this is a situation of 2v1, and I'm wondering if I need to say "I'm not comfortable living here and it gives me anxiety, either we pick somewhere else or I'm out." I know that makes me look inflexible, but I know I'm coming across as the unreasonable person here who's worried about things that might be nothing.

I'm (or was) planning on leaving my abusive partner in about a week, and we were planning on moving into somewhere June 1st.

If I tell them I'm out...I'm back at square one with finding housing, and it would delay my exit from the abusive relationship. And I also know they'd be screwed out of their housing situation too.

I don't want to leave a home that makes me anxious and have to live in a home that makes me anxious for a different reason.

Any advice would be greatly, greatly appreciated.

I've wanted to leave for years, but they'd be homeless if I left because they've refused to work or get education, and they've used that against me. They have no true friends, only distant friends and acquaintances, because they leave burnt bridges in their wake and have a naturally abrasive personality.

I've been planning this for over two months.

I've tried to leave several times. Three times last year, but I couldn't get myself to say yes.

January, I tried to, but they turned it into 13 hours of guilt trips, insults, false accusations, fallacies, and manipulation. I just gave in to make it stop.

February, we fought and I tried to leave for the night. They threatened to call the polite to tell them I was a threat to myself and others, grabbed the bag I was trying to pack...

Then grabbed my keys and held them in the same hand as pepper spray so if I tried to reach for them they'd spray me, then blocked me in the bedroom with one arm extended and pepper spray behind them, telling me "I'm not breaking up with you, and you're not leaving." That night, they also threatened to off themself. I told them that's not my problem and they said "Yes, it is."

They have three security cameras they check multiple times when they're out on their compulsive drive (they drive their car whose insurance and registration they don't pay for, and drive my car despite me explicitly saying I don't consent). Two are pointed at the parking lot and one is pointed at the door, so I can't leave without them knowing.

So...here's my plan.

I'm planning about a week out, which is a day where they're out. I'd unplug the internet so the cameras go offline, have two friends help load a moving van on the other side of where the cars are parked so the internet can be reset occasionally remotely (which is currently done since we have internet problem), having a police officer do a civil assist to make things calm (as much as they can be) while I move out the rest of my things as well as make them unlock the strongbox with my documents. Everything would be taken to a storage locker and I'd spend about a week in a hotel before moving into a house June 1st with potential roommates I've been talking to for two weeks.

I've already sent abuse documents to my apartment complex manager about lease breaking.

My partner would be left in a half-empty apartment they can't afford and would quickly become homeless due to their refusal to due anything.

After keeping me isolated for six years (last friend or family social interaction was January 2020) and everything else they've done to me, I can't fucking do it anymore, no matter what happens to me. I'm tired of devoting my life to housing someone who makes me miserable and barely contributes to the world.

I'm tired of subsidizing a parasitic lifestyle.

I've wanted to leave for years, but they'd be homeless if I left because they've refused to work or get education, and they've used that against me. They have no true friends, only distant friends and acquaintances, because they leave burnt bridges in their wake and have a naturally abrasive personality.

I've been planning this for over two months.

I've tried to leave several times. Three times last year, but I couldn't get myself to say yes.

January, I tried to, but they turned it into 13 hours of guilt trips, insults, false accusations, fallacies, and manipulation. I just gave in to make it stop.

February, we fought and I tried to leave for the night. They threatened to call the polite to tell them I was a threat to myself and others, grabbed the bag I was trying to pack...

Then grabbed my keys and held them in the same hand as pepper spray so if I tried to reach for them they'd spray me, then blocked me in the bedroom with one arm extended and pepper spray behind them, telling me "I'm not breaking up with you, and you're not leaving." That night, they also threatened to off themself. I told them that's not my problem and they said "Yes, it is."

They have three security cameras they check multiple times when they're out on their compulsive drive (they drive their car whose insurance and registration they don't pay for, and drive my car despite me explicitly saying I don't consent). Two are pointed at the parking lot and one is pointed at the door, so I can't leave without them knowing.

So...here's my plan.

I'm planning about a week out, which is a day where they're out. I'd unplug the internet so the cameras go offline, have two friends help load a moving van on the other side of where the cars are parked so the internet can be reset occasionally remotely (which is currently done since we have internet problem), having a police officer do a civil assist to make things calm (as much as they can be) while I move out the rest of my things as well as make them unlock the strongbox with my documents. Everything would be taken to a storage locker and I'd spend about a week in a hotel before moving into a house June 1st with potential roommates I've been talking to for two weeks.

I've already sent abuse documents to my apartment complex manager about lease breaking.

My partner would be left in a half-empty apartment they can't afford and would quickly become homeless due to their refusal to due anything.

After keeping me isolated for six years (last friend or family social interaction was January 2020) and everything else they've done to me, I can't fucking do it anymore, no matter what happens to me. I'm tired of devoting my life to housing someone who makes me miserable and barely contributes to the world.

I'm tired of subsidizing a parasitic lifestyle.

If it's relevant, I'm in my mid-30s with a history of it as a kid.

It started within the past few years. I've started logging them. Sometimes I'll wake up mid-incident and I can continue it in the bathroom, sometimes I'll wake up and see something's happened and I had no knowledge of it.

I have epilepsy with primarily focal seizures (I would be awake, but experienced horrific things), and a common symptom of it was urge incontinence, where I'd need to run to the bathroom immediately after or else...you know.

For several years, my seizures have been under control...or so I thought. Last month I had an appointment with a neuro PA who said that based on my NE and minor unusual experiences, she doesn't think my seizures are 100% under control.

It might also be the stress in my life. I don't know what extent chronic stress can cause it, but I know chronic stress can cause a lot.

I have five mental disorders, three other brain issues, three ear issues, two eye issues, one nose issue, teeth issues, my right knee doesn't work properly, I'm missing an organ, I have incontinence issues, my medications give me chronic fatigue and brain fog, and my blood tests indicate certain levels haven't been right for a few years and we can't figure out why. Now I'm dealing with hair loss and some sort of scalp issue.

All of this while dealing with an abusive relationship, a country that's going to hell, college I'm not smart enough to do for a career I'm not strong or stable enough to handle, and social isolation where my closest friends are at least ten hours away by car.

I'm in my mid-30s and I just feel like shit.

I thought they were just really, really stubborn.

After several years, I realized they weren't just being stubborn, they were someone whose mind was based around emotions and their wants first and facts second, and facts were irrelevant when their feelings were involved.

We had a bad fight yesterday.

It's...such a mindfuck.

I was raised to put others before myself. I have a naturally submissive personality.

Every argument turns into them just doing an onslaught of how I'm bad and treating them poorly, and I have to defend myself, before it gradually transitions to a period where my energy has burnt out and I'm just quiet. They proceed to just talk and talk and talk, and I only engage when I answer yes or no questions.

It's always me defending myself, justifying my actions. That's what everything turns to. If I try to point out illogical or manipulative behaviors, they ignore or barely acknowledge what I'm saying and go straight back to a seemingly infinite list of how I'm just awful, but they don't want me to leave.

Second half of May. End of the semester. That's when I was planning on leaving. I've planned on renting a house with two people and have been talking to them for a month and a half to figure out compatibility.

I've been afraid to leave for years because of their skill at finding people and their history of elaborate revenge plots. I've been afraid to leave for years because they live an extremely parasitic lifestyle and would be helpless without me.

11 years and they've done nothing to stabilize themselves financially. Every time they worked, they stopped working shortly afterwards and used all the money to buy themself things.

They always say "I'll be homeless" as a way to keep me here. They were homeless for years (couch surfing, one situation after another) and just say they couldn't survive it.

Zero accountability or willingness to realize they're responsible for themself. Just "you're doing this to me."

I tried to leave earlier this year. Over a dozen hours of them talking, manipulation, and fallacies.

Another time, they physically blocked me, threatened to call the police, grabbed my bags as I tried to pack them, threatened suicide, and held my keys in the same hand as pepper spray so if I reached for them they'd pepper spray me. They threatened to off themselves and when I said it wasn't my problem they said "Yes, it is."

I've tried to off myself twice as a way to escape because I don't see any other way out.

I recently made a list of the ways they hurt or have hurt me. It's at around 80 items. I don't think I could put my abusive father's count that high.

This time, I've planned. Two people helping move my stuff out, paperwork to break the lease, civil standby, my state's address confidentiality program (all things go through them and I sign up for things with a fake address).

I was recently diagnosed with moral OCD, which means I worry compulsively about hurting others. My mother also taught me to put others before myself, and my father made sure I was always subservient. My partner has a lot in common with my father (anger issues, assertiveness) which is why I think I let them walk all over me. That, and their overall intimidating presence and physical strength (which they've used against me several times to make me powerless).

My worry about what will happen to them if I leave has kept me in a miserable situation for years, but I can't handle their control anymore.

A few months ago, they told me "I have more to lose than you do" to me when I was trying to leave, saying they'd be homeless and I'd be free, which isn't an fair trade and so I should just stay where I am now. Things like that are such a mindfuck.

This is supposed to be my last month. I've told several people that. After so many false starts and attempts, I want to be free. I want to know what it's like to live for myself again, to be able to make decisions for myself. I want to know what it's like to not have to ask for permission to leave the apartment.

23-34 is a lot of adulthood lost to control. I've lost so much of myself in the process. I've been dragged down into poverty, to the point they're now wealthier than I am despite not working because they refuse to work to pay for things yet expect things like their car's registration and insurance and maintenance to be paid without objection.

So...they're germophobic and irrational, and they use covid as a weapon to stop me from doing things. I have to practically beg to do anything.

This week's target was me starting physical therapy. Long story short, my knee's had a lifelong problem, and as I've gotten older it's gotten worse. I made an appointment to get to start PT after getting a referral several months ago.

They've tried to stop it twice. Once, when I said the prescription my provider was helping with the pain, they said "sounds like you don't need PT." I said I still do because the issue still needs to be corrected, but whatever.

Sunday, I mentioned my first appointment was on Tuesday. We got into a shouting match when they absolutely asserted that I told them August. I said they were gaslighting me and I know I told them April. They said I was gaslighting THEM by saying I said April. We went back and forth, with them making a comment about me having 15 appointments a week (I have several things wrong with me, some appointments involve going outside, and they're too much of a coward to have gone to a doctor this century yet they love micromanaging my healthcare for some fucking reason).

We went back and forth, with them again asking if I *really* need PT because the med is helping (another desperate attempt to stop me from risking covid, despite the fact we still mask). They made the accusation I "want to pretend it's not a thing anymore and drop all precautions" when that's not what I said...

Asked me to "just move it to twice a month instead of twice a week."

And at the end, said they were staying calm and were researching techniques for de-escalation, and they were deescalating the fight while I was the one insulting them (they only did it towards the end.)

Then, because I called them a "fucking piece of shit," they did the usual thing where they stay silent for several hours before saying they were waiting for me to apologize. But before the silent treatment, they told me they were looking into psych stuff, and my behavior lines up with "narcissistic cycle of abuse." They specified they weren't calling me one (sure).

How the fuck they can do this shit, have a perpetual victim complex, yet live a parasitic lifestyle is beyond me.