u/Imaginary-Swim6902

I think I may be hyperfixated on the joker. I have no idea if I’m autistic but my 2 friends think I might and I do match most of the basic criteria, I am dependent on headphones and ear plugs, I have been an extremely picky eater my whole life, I have meltdowns over sensory stuf, I have experienced burnout many many times, and I struggle to understand what people really mean when they speak.

but my biggest concern is my hyperfixation cuz it’s rlly taken over my entire brain. I think it started about 4 years ago I started obsessing over the character but didnt get into the real comics till about 2 years ago because everytime I tried to consume media about the joker, I would get so overwhelmingly excited it felt like I was dying so i procrastinated actually consuming the media for a long time. when I finally did get into the comics I would have to take a break inbetween every page he appeared on and walk around to call myself down because I was so happy. I don’t have this intense feeling much anymore since I’ve read all the basics and the lore isnt new and mysterious anymore, but I have moments like when batman #7 released which was so fucking good I’m not gonna get into it but the whole comic was a psychological deep dive into his mind, and there was a 4 page foldout piece of art representing his memories. I got so giddy I was uncontrollably smiling which is very rare for me and shaking a lot but it wasn’t so intense I had to walk it out, but the real reason I think it could be more than an interest is because I haven’t had a clear fucking thought that he wasn’t somehow involved in in literally YEARS no matter what is happening in my life, no matter what I’m thinking about he is constantly in the background doing some bullshit. Most of my day is spent thinking about him an theorizing and having fun and writing things down I thought of I think are neat, but even when I’m not doing that he never ever goes away ever. I have over 800 songs in my playlist and they are only songs that remind me of him. I kinda despise listening to music that I can’t relate to him in some way, if it’s a song i really cant relate him too I just imagine him singing it or something. i get really irritated when I’m trying to draw him and I mess up because it feels like I’m “disrespecting“ him or something. this character and His writing and history is so special to me Its hard for me to care about anything else in life. I have a hard time focusing on fixing my real life problems and thinking about myself because I just want to think about him all day.

i love comic books because they are Such a structured world where everything is explained and if I get confused I can just flip the page and reread it, if I dont recognize a word I can stop reading and look it up, it’s such a nice break from doing real socializing where it’s super fast and there’s no time to really think about stuff. anyways if this is a hyperfixation lemme know

Im not ashamed of my scars because I literally wouldn’t be alive without them. I used to be extremely suicidal and If I didn’t have the option to release those feelings via cutting, I’d be dead. and I’m sick of people in the same boat as me feeling ashamed of their scars, you went through some shit or still are going through some shit and needed an extremely affective coping mechanism. it’s definitely morbid and not exactly pretty and nobody wants to hear someone say “I’m proud i mutilated myself” but I am, I survived and that’s a victory no matter what I had to do to get through it. I love all of you and you should love yourselves. I love my big ugly fuckass purple wrist scar shes my favorite one

a list of examples of things they’ve done that affected me the most, I can’t tell if it’s abusive or not. they both claim they are not abusive

mom:

My First therapist was a spy, she had secret meetings with my parents where she disclosed extremely private information and nobody told me it was happening. My mom admitted she was hiding it and didn’t know I figured it out

Called my second therapist a B word for respecting my pronouns 

She yelled I was selfish and cried at me in the car because I refused to discuss her childhood trauma with her on the way to the salon, I didn’t want to be her therapist and I suggested she talk to an adult about it because I can’t handle that

She admitted she sees me as an aquatintce or friend more than her child. And says I am a bad friend to her 

She once told me that I would never be a real man unless I had fantasies about h4rming women

she told me she thinks my transitioning is my master plan to “hurt her”

She thinks cutting myself is another ploy to “hurt her” 

I once overslept for an important event, she was asked by the people I was attending with to please wake me up so we could get going, she said I am not her responsibility and it’s not her fault if I overslept, and she owes me no such favors. 

Has a constant fear of me “abandoning” her and refused to teach me how to cook or clean on my own so I’d stay dependent. Once I learned she got angrier and angrier everyday 

dad: 

Once flicked my forehead because I was crying and he wanted me to stop. He proceeded to make me do chores all day and force me to go look at homeless people, and telling me if I’m not grateful and don’t toughen up I will end up like them.

After my suicide attempt of drinking rubbing alcohol and having to go to the hospital, he called me stupid, the R slur, and laughed at me 

After he found out I cut myself he grinned at me and said if I ever do it again he will slit his wrists infront of me and make me watch him bleed out

I’m (m14) he’s (m15) i thought we had an amazing friendship for the longest time till i noticed his “morals” don’t align with his person at all. he claimed to be a radical leftist but he befriended 2 racists and justified it by saying they weren’t “real” friends, and just for entertainment. he was proud to be sex positive but shamed a girl in our school for experimenting, and convinced me to drag her too which I feel super guilty about still.

at the time he had only like 3 friends including me, and everytime we were around the others his personality completely switched I don’t just mean the way he carried himself I mean his entire moral compass, likes and dislikes, even life stories

i understand we are both young and theres no way he actually has NPD but he still did some narcy shit and I feel dumb for believing him for so long. the relationship ended because he got mad at me for not being able to give him attention at school because I was depressed at home, and went around telling people my anti depressants were making me crazy, so obviously I ended it but then he guilt tripped me extremely by comparing me to people who groomed him and abandoned him, I believed every horrible untrue word he said about me and I spent a year thinking I was a monster and had to repent for my “sins” I got addicted to contacting him trying to apologize everyday till I couldn’t because he blocked me on everything. I was completely controlled by him so long i feel like an idiot!!!! when I reflect on the situation i didnt actually do anything wrong to him. i just went along with whatever he said because I was inlove with the fake persona he created for me

I was guilt tripped pretty bad by a guy I was in a situationship with, he was the typical woe is me 10+ “crazy exes” forever victim kind of guy but when I was friends with him I did not see that and i genuinely believed he had the hardest life ever and every single story he told me about being hurt was true. I still think a few of them were but ive recently connected with 2 of the “crazy exes” who went through the exact same guilt trip processe and even gave me screenshots of him doing it, so now I know im not alone nor crazy. and I think it’s safe to assume most of his other exes weren’t crazy either because 3 is a pattern,

I ended the relationship because he got upset with me for not giving him enough attention at school and confessed that he befriended 2 racist people in our class as basically attention tools so he wouldn’t feel alone, and he said being surrounded by people constantly helped him not dissociate. it made me very uncomfortable that he shamelessly told me he uses some people as tools and my liking for him kept going downhill until we had an argument and I told him I didn’t want to be friends anymore,

as a result he responded with about 2 paragraphs of every mistake ive made and things he disliked about me, and compared me to a boy who groomed him. and said he thought i would be “the one” but im just like everyone else who abandoned him. i realized now that that’s silly but at the time i really cared and loved him so i felt an immense amount of guilt, i believed everything he said and thought i was a monster, he also went around telling everyone i knew that my anti-depressants were making me crazy, including teachers.

the guilt made me do 2 things that i feel very ashamed of and im conflicted about wether i should take full responsibility or give myself some leeway

- I stalked him on social media

-I told him id kill myself as a favor to him and beg god to give him happiness

I think it’s important that too acknowledge I never had malicious intentions and everything I did was powered by guilt, but that doesn’t mean what I did didn’t have impact and it was not okay. I just want to feel like a good person again I need to know how exactly I should take accountability for my actions so I never hurt someone like that ever again. manipulators are still people with feelings and i feel terrible for hurting him

I was guilt tripped pretty bad by a guy I was in a situationship with, he was the typical woe is me 10+ “crazy exes” forever victim kind of guy but when I was friends with him I did not see that and i genuinely believed he had the hardest life ever and every single story he told me about being hurt was true. I still think a few of them were but ive recently connected with 2 of the “crazy exes” who went through the exact same guilt trip processe and even gave me screenshots of him doing it, so now I know im not alone nor crazy. and I think it’s safe to assume most of his other exes weren’t crazy either because 3 is a pattern,

I ended the relationship because he got upset with me for not giving him enough attention at school and confessed that he befriended 2 racist people in our class as basically attention tools so he wouldn’t feel alone, and he said being surrounded by people constantly helped him not dissociate. it made me very uncomfortable that he shamelessly told me he uses some people as tools and my liking for him kept going downhill until we had an argument and I told him I didn’t want to be friends anymore,

as a result he responded with about 2 paragraphs of every mistake ive made and things he disliked about me, and compared me to a boy who groomed him. and said he thought i would be “the one” but im just like everyone else who abandoned him. i realized now that that’s silly but at the time i really cared and loved him so i felt an immense amount of guilt, i believed everything he said and thought i was a monster, he also went around telling everyone i knew that my anti-depressants were making me crazy, including teachers.

the guilt made me do 2 things that i feel very ashamed of and im conflicted about wether i should take full responsibility or give myself some leeway

- I stalked him on social media

-I told him id kill myself as a favor to him and beg god to give him happiness

I think it’s important that too acknowledge I never had malicious intentions and everything I did was powered by guilt, but that doesn’t mean what I did didn’t have impact and it was not okay. I just want to feel like a good person again I need to know how exactly I should take accountability for my actions so I never hurt someone like that ever again. manipulators are still people with feelings and i feel terrible for hurting him

I was guilt tripped pretty bad by a guy I was in a situationship with, he was the typical woe is me 10+ “crazy exes” forever victim kind of guy but when I was friends with him I did not see that and i genuinely believed he had the hardest life ever and every single story he told me about being hurt was true. I still think a few of them were but ive recently connected with 2 of the “crazy exes” who went through the exact same guilt trip processe and even gave me screenshots of him doing it, so now I know im not alone nor crazy. and I think it’s safe to assume most of his other exes weren’t crazy either because 3 is a pattern,

I ended the relationship because he got upset with me for not giving him enough attention at school and confessed that he befriended 2 racist people in our class as basically attention tools so he wouldn’t feel alone, and he said being surrounded by people constantly helped him not dissociate. it made me very uncomfortable that he shamelessly told me he uses some people as tools and my liking for him kept going downhill until we had an argument and I told him I didn’t want to be friends anymore,

as a result he responded with about 2 paragraphs of every mistake ive made and things he disliked about me, and compared me to a boy who groomed him. and said he thought i would be “the one” but im just like everyone else who abandoned him. i realized now that that’s silly but at the time i really cared and loved him so i felt an immense amount of guilt, i believed everything he said and thought i was a monster, he also went around telling everyone i knew that my anti-depressants were making me crazy, including teachers.

the guilt made me do 2 things that i feel very ashamed of and im conflicted about wether i should take full responsibility or give myself some leeway

- I stalked him on social media

-I told him id kill myself as a favor to him and beg god to give him happiness

I think it’s important that too acknowledge I never had malicious intentions and everything I did was powered by guilt, but that doesn’t mean what I did didn’t have impact and it was not okay. I just want to feel like a good person again I need to know how exactly I should take accountability for my actions so I never hurt someone like that ever again. manipulators are still people with feelings and i feel terrible for hurting him