u/ImaginaryPoem1142

Im a 19 year old with no experience or talent but I do have an imagination that needs alot of shaping. I dont write, but i want to get into it, i have a desire to learn and write my stories. I have an idea for a book set in a fictional world, narrated by the Sun as it watches what unfolds. This draft feels clunky, awkward, and not book worthy. I definitely havent found my writers voice. So i wanted to paste it here for someone to be more specific on how to improve it and where to go from here

"Vivia was crouched by a river in a dark forest on Planet Rhythm. The plants and the leaves were in various shades of red, purple, and black. The sky was burnt orange and valleys had formed in the cloud layer.

The sun was rising and now was normally the time she would go to sleep before the adults and the children woke. She had walked a short distance away from her clan and found deep reverence in the water that had carved a small valley in the land. Near the shoreline steeped in pebbles, she held her knees to her chest and one hand dipped in the river where a few tiny, white, transluscent fish were swimming through her fingers.

She had soft leathery skin slightly similar to the soft velvet belly of a dragon. It was a dark sangria colour with thousands of white markings making her look almost like the cosmos. Her eyes were big and yellow with one main pupil in the centre of each, and dozens of little ones scattered around the iris. Behind each pupil was a mirror which aided in night vision for her kind, but it gave off a beautiful effect when the light hit them correctly. It looked like there were stars in her eyes, the way her pupils sparkled as the low light of the sun skimmed through the trees and bounced off them.

It began to drizzle and she didnt react at all. Just kept innocently interacting with the fish. The rain was noticeably getting heavier but still no reaction except to wipe her face occasionally with the other arm that she had tucked between her knees and chest. The rain had scared the fish away from the shallow waters and left Vivia alone. She dropped the weight on her heels and sat down with her knees still tucked.

Her hair was short and jet black and grew naturally in one direction away from the face. There wasnt an obvious hairline, the hair sort of faded as it got near the centre of the face. It had a coating of natural wax on it though, designed to withstand constant downpour. The design made it so that the scalp was protected from moisture as the droplets just rolled straight off, and the growth made sure to keep water away from the nose and mouth. The hair grew into a little mane down the nape of the neck and the top of the back to in between her shoulder blades then faded out immediately. She was small, just a child, around 14."

[removed]