u/InsanityTraps

So as some may know: I'm in the process of becoming a NEET. The thing is that my dad is quite literally a boomer, he still believes that college is a must and that the being someone in life is having a degree. Nope, I'm not exaggerating. My mom was born in a town with people that had really bad manners and didn't know how to comunicate. Communication is something that doesn't exists in my mom's dictionary, it's either irrationally screaming or saying things out loud.

Basically, from what I've told you it's easy to assume that there's no way in hell I'm gonna be allowed to become NEET and be forced to get a j*b lol, even though they know that I have my mental issues, which were partly due to them and partly due to genetic predispositions.

Anyway, what about you guys? Or well an alternate title could be "How did you become NEET?"

After some introspection I've decided to embark on this path. I decided to become a polymath. And self-educate.

To sum it up: I'm 19M and wasted my young days in pointless stuff such as sports and other damaging stuff. I spent weeks, months being depressed in cycles. I'd get good and then it'd start all again. Self hurting etc.

Before having an extreme focus in sports I was actually learning gamedev, coding and well I also was kind of decent at drawing.

The thing is that my school environment was extremely disruptive and I didn't pay attention to anything. I literally have 0 knowledge of what I learned there. I wasted my time in school and want to actually self educate myself in a broad spectrum of subjects.

History...when I enter a page and want to learn something about let's say communism, I get thrown at me like 3 terms that I don't know, I open one of them and there are 6 more terms that I've got no clue what they are. How am I supposed to even organize this? ADHD makes me overthink things 10x more than the normal person that I may end up overwhelmed and doing nothing. It's just something so broad.

I've a sense of urgency in learning history because how things are going nowadays, if you know nothing about where you're standing then you're here for a bad time. And if I let time run out I may not be able to properly learn history again.

I'm also afraid of becoming extremely depressed again. Actually, I still feel a deep sense of emptiness inside me and hate myself, yet there's the possibility of it getting worse.

I have a high tendency of wasting my time and because of my slow processing speed it's impossible for me to not feel extremely dumb all the time.

After some introspection I've decided to embark on this path. History is just one of those things.

To sum it up I'm 19M and wasted my young days in pointless stuff such as sports and other damaging stuff. Before having an extreme focus on sports I was actually learning gamedev, coding and well I also was kind of decent at drawing.

The thing is that my school environment was extremely disruptive and didn't pay attention to anything. I literally have 0 knowledge of school, I wasted my time in school and want to actually self educate myself in a broad spectrum of subjects.

History...when I enter a page and want to learn something about let's say communism, I get thrown at me like 3 terms that I don't know, I open one of them and there are 6 more terms that I've got no clue what they are. How am I supposed to even organize this? ADHD makes me overthink things 10x more than the normal person that I may end up overwhelmed and doing nothing. It's just something so broad.

I've a sense of urgency in learning history because how things are going nowadays, if you know nothing about where you're standing then you're here for a bad time. And if I let time run out I may not be able to properly learn history again.

After some introspection I've decided to embark on this path. History is just one of those things.

To sum it up I'm 19M and wasted my young days in pointless stuff such as sports and other damaging stuff. Before having an extreme focus on sports I was actually learning gamedev, coding and well I also was kind of decent at drawing.

The thing is that my school environment was extremely disruptive and didn't pay attention to anything. I literally have 0 knowledge of school, I wasted my time in school and want to actually self educate myself in a broad spectrum of subjects.

History...when I enter a page and want to learn something about let's say communism, I get thrown at me like 3 terms that I don't know, I open one of them and there are 6 more terms that I've got no clue what they are. How am I supposed to even organize this? ADHD makes me overthink things 10x more than the normal person that I may end up overwhelmed and doing nothing. It's just something so broad.

I've a sense of urgency in learning history because how things are going nowadays, if you know nothing about where you're standing then you're here for a bad time. And if I let time run out I may not be able to properly learn history again.

People like me would explain why it could be valid for some people to dislike people. How come my progenitors had to see a thousand a wars just for someone like me to come into existence.

Why do I even exist. Is what I ask myself.

How come there's not a single positive trait in me. I used to h4t3 people before. The only reason I did so was because my ego wasn't capable of directing that hate towards myself. I had to blame others.

In fact, I wouldn't be in this situation if I didn't exist. I had watched all the self-improvement guides in hopes to build a version of me that just couldn't exist. There just wasn't any working piece.

I focused so much in what to improve. It never crossed to my mind that perhaps there never was anything to improve. I forgot to look into something crucial. The whole reason this whole mess started. I had to look in the mirror in order to see it.

You're just not gonna find anything worth in a pile of shit. And if you do, your hands would be dirty and you'd get sick. There isn't anything profound here, it isn't supposed to. The fact is that if you see the shit you try to remove it, unless you too belong to it.

That's the truth about me. There's nothing in me, there was never supposed to be anything. Some people are really just born messed up.

Got an IQ of 98 in the WAIS test some months ago. Did the mensa test and got 95 so it's probably way lower than that.

Basically, I've felt braindead for most of my life. And now more than ever.

I've decided to drop out of college and become independent and learn on my own but I'm really dumb, so I'll most likely give up after a while.

Honestly it's a miracle I even got 98 lol. My IQ is realistically in the 80s.

So, what career would be better for a person with an IQ of 80 that doesn't wants to work in anything physical? I'm 19 years old.

Idk where else to post this but since I'm becoming a NEET why not here. Also, some of you may relate to my feeling of never being good enough.

Long story short, I'm such a moron. An actual moron, I'm stupid. When I was a kid I always wanted to be something, maybe because I never got enough attention as a kid. Wanted to leave this world behind with something great to admire. I don't think that's ever gonna happen, some people just weren't made for that.

I started using PEDS when I was 17. I'm pretty much sure that these drugs fried my brain way more than what quarantine ever did. Not that I had a brain to begin with because the reasons were beyond stupid.

Apart from being obssesed about physical activity and other nonsense, there was a time I used to be obssesed about intelectual capacities. Wanted to have a shelf next to the big names such as Nikola Tesla. I gave up, why? Because I was way too dumb, and me using drugs just made me 2x as dumb.

Working out has been my biggest butterfly effect, not a good one. Of course I'd still be extremely fked up if I hadn't worked out. Because the cancer can't be erased, but at least the physique wouldn't be so associated with me.

Now that I'm thinking of becoming a game dev and working in my book, I'm really doubting myself because I'm extremely dumb. If I hadn't wasted like more than 4 years of my life working out and not using my brain maybe I wouldn't be as stpid.

My depression getting worse isn't helping either, all I want to do is rot in my bed and never get out.

Sorry for the word salad, English isn't my main language and thinking hurts my monkey brain.

To begin with, I'm a 3rd worlder so everyone here is having sex left and right like bunnies. It's literally normal to see 15-16 years old girls having 18-20 years old boyfriends who are in college.

I remember being mocked by my friends at the time for not having sex as my highest priority. Anytime I wanted to talk about something serious they were like "Shut up loser you're a virgin". I never understood that but I lived with monkeys, I wonder if that's one of the reasons I was transforming into a full blown monkey.

Anyway, I doubt that sht could ever feel fulfilling even if they were attractive. Like, what's the point of casual sex? I could only relate to that back when I was a teenager with a lot of mental issues and inferiority complexes. Once I was moving to the city, I thought that one of my problems were that I wasn't like me years ago (a corn addict impulsive monkey), so in my low iq fueled rage I started using steroids hoping that it could fix me. Well no it didn't do sht and due to my lack of prefrontal cortex development I acted 2x times as monkey as before.

Dang it grandpa guys...

Welp, to conclude all ts guys...I think that I'm coping by trying to become a game dev and writer hence I need to accept le monkeytism and fk everything that moves.

So I've quite some experience with game engines. I started with GameMaker 8 when I was around 9 years of age and another drag n drop game engines but I stopped after some months. Then I was 13 years old and started developing games for almost 2 years (with lots of breaks in between tho). I started with Unity and learned to code at the same time. C++, C#, Java, Lua. Took me some time and what not. I also tried different game frameworks and also tried to make a game completely from scratch with just Java but couldn't lol.

Now, u may be wondering "If u have that experience with coding and Unity then why GDevelop? " Well, first of all, I haven't done this for like years, I'm 19 now. Like a month ago I tried to make my game in a game framework because I didn't want to relearn the engine. Didn't turn out well. The thing is:

For the type of game I'm making (story rich, kind of an rpg but at the same time not, 2d with 3d elements etc, don't wanna make this too long) I really need the visual cues, to see what I'm making as I progress and develop other elements such as the story. I've written some part of the story already but I really feel like I need those visual elements, to see how it progresses as I develop it. This is actually a technique that writers use (idk the name but it's like going with the flow or something), and is a technique that I've also used but in drawing. This is important for the type of game I'm making.

With other engines such as Unity, or game frameworks that rely a lot on coding, I don't feel like I'd be able to achieve that idea. Been thinking of RPG Maker because it fits my need, but I feel like it could be more limited than GDevelop + don't wanna pay (no money) especially for my type of game.

GDevelop checks the most boxes but I see there's not much community support online and the no code make it seem way too limiting but idk. Help me choose guys I'm in overthinking hell lol.

I've always felt dumb. My father said that I learned quite fast as a kid, faster than the others. Clearly something happened with my brain as I grew up.

When I was around 14-15.5 years old I wanted to be like men such as Nikola Tesla, Isaac Newton and my favorite game devs. Never could, I tried but I was too stupid, now I'm double than that.

You go to college and your first sighting is people, enjoying time with other people. I'm reminded of what I'll never get a breath of that world, a world that once was familiar but now it's no more than a burning memory.

College, malls, stores, parks, restaurants. Same species but feel like a totally different kind. Not saying that I'm special, the only thing I'm is an error.

There was a day before we lost our souls. We could understand the melody of our voices, the rhythm of our breaths, now we're made of silicone.

I hate myself so much. And not only I'm ugly, I'm also a horrible piece of human being. I'm the perception people have of flies, even then, I'd rather wake up as a fly: at least I wouldn't have to worry about people perceiving me as other than a fly.

It took me a lifetime to realize I'm the problem, if only I was brave enough to erase the problem.

Title. First of all, I'm not a beginner...kinda. To sum it up:

I started learning to create games with gamemaker when I was abt 9 years old, trying to recreate my favourite games by following tutorials. Dropped it after a while. Quarantine arrived and I finally tried to learn makijng my OWN games, in this case it was with Unity; took me a while but I finally got it and it was fairly easy to use the engine. And I kept on it for more than a year. I could never finish any game so they were mostly prototypes lol, I only finished one that was for a game jam.

In between, I tried learning game frameworks such as FNA, I did a short bullet hell (kinda) game. Then I used CoronaSDK to make a few prototypes. Then I tried to make a game from scratch in Java but was too hard. I still prefer game engines.

So I have some experience with coding. The reason that I'm doubting Unity is because of the fiasco there was some years ago. I tried to learn Godot a few years ago anyway but it was literally harder for me to learn than Unity. And I know that things have changed but still, their data management seems kind of sus to me.

Then we have Defold, and I think it's a good engine but I'd have to code most functions that require math myself, and I can barely do arithmetic operations in my mind.

Then we have GDevelop...idk the engine seems too sloppy in the sense that it looks like those youtube ads but instead of being for games it's for making them.

After thousands of abandoned prototypes I finally decided to make my dream game. Mind you, I'm not expecting to be rich and I now know what's realistic and not. But I'm determined.

I'm just thinking of using Unity because that's the engine I'm most familiar with but idk man. I've been paralyzed for weeks due to my overthinking.

This is getting too long so maybe I'm gonna finish this in the comments. So basically, the only thing that's stopping me from choosing Unity is its data policies and controversy, Defold? The math, Godot? The controversy they had.