u/Inspector_Spoonman

Context:

I am a 23 year old guy who lives in a medium sized city of about 120000 people. I’m not in college, and never went, so I don’t have social connections from there. I don’t do dating apps, never have, probably never will.

I’ve only been on three dates in my life, and they were all with the same woman. I genuinely don’t understand how to convert friendly interest into something that could potentially become romantic. Every time I try, my advances seem to fail, and I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.

Before anyone asks, yes I go after people similar to me, no I don’t only ask supermodels. Yes I have hobbies, yes I have a steady job, yes I take care of myself. People liking me has never been the problem.

Any advice? I don’t want to flirt with too many women from my friend group, or else I’ll become that one weird guy. I’m not very good at cold approaches.

I feel it’s time to get advice from people that have been more successful than me. I’ve tried so many things, and attempted to put so much advice into practice, but it’s never worked out.

Physically I’d say I’m a 4/10, I’m 5’8”. I’m relatively fit, though I could put on some more muscle I suppose. My physical fitness definitely isn’t holding me back from dating. I have a job but no college degree. I’m well liked and I would describe myself as a relatively amicable guy most of the time.

I have no trouble making friends with people, or generally being comfortable talking to strangers. I like to read, play piano, and sometimes play guitar. If I’m not doing that I’ll usually be playing video games, so it’s not like I don’t have any hobbies either.

I can’t even get to the date stage, so it’s really a problem of getting my foot in the door. It seems hopeless to be honest. Women don’t give me signals, and I don’t have women crushing over me, it’s only ever platonic. The numbers game seems too brutal.

I’m not asking for the general advice of “focus on yourself” because frankly, I’ve been doing that for five years now. Clearly I have some sort of problem in dating, and I can’t tell what it is. Some women have been interested in me in the past, so I don’t think I generally mis signals, but who knows.

TLDR; Skip to #3 if you don’t want to read all of this, that one’s the most important and the part I struggle with the most.

Im sorry in advance if this all seems sort of haphazardly put together, I’m not in a great state of mind, but I’ll do my best to keep the formatting legible. I have many things I’m unsure of currently, and I’m just looking for general advice.

Please note that therapy isn’t currently an option for me, and I don’t really want to open up to friends yet. I know, that’s like the most important part, but please, any advice other than that would be appreciated in spades.

1. How Do You Accept Your Current Position in Life?

I’m not old or anything, I’m 23. Young enough that I still have a lot of options, but not young enough to waste time. I currently live with my parents. They aren’t good ones, they’re abusive, neglective. I work full-time, but it’s at a dead end job where I make very little. I spend about 50 hours a week at work, and honestly as much as I hate it at least I’m safe from the yelling.

I haven’t ever dated, I’ve been on a few dates in my life, but I can’t say I’ve ever done anything past that. I want a relationship, but I don’t really know how. I have extreme commitment issues because I’ve never seen what a healthy relationship looks like.

Disregarding this, even if I currently wanted to put myself out there which I don’t think is smart, I genuinely don’t know how. To say my luck has been bad would be gentle, and I don’t know how to hope for better when I have always been shown the worst.

2. How Do I Find a Decent Job That I’ll Enjoy?

I had dreams when I was a kid to help others. It always seemed like something I’d want to do, especially growing up in the environment I did. Because of this I’ve wanted a lot of careers over the years, but many of them are now not possible due to my age and my circumstances. I don’t know how to find a job that I won’t hate in a short enough timeframe to get out of this hellhole of a house. Pay is quite frankly important to me, I don’t want to work a job where I barely scrape by.

The trades seem like an enticing idea, but the fact is it’s hard to find apprenticeships in my country, and even so it’s not a job I think I would enjoy in the slightest. I don’t know if I just need to suck it up and take the job if I get an offer, maybe I do. I can’t live like this for much longer.

3. How Do I Learn to Trust My Capabilities?

This one’s probably the heaviest, and the one I need the most help with. From a young age I’ve learned to treat myself poorly. I got yelled at throughout childhood, I got told I was smart instead of being told I was tenacious.

I don’t think I’m a gifted person, but school was relatively easy for me up to a point. I had my subjects I wasn’t great in, but I still squeezed by. Fast forward to math class and that’s where it all started falling apart. I began struggling, struggling really badly. I would try the math homework, but I could simply never get it to click.

Suddenly I was no longer smart, and I was certainly never tenacious. It started to bleed all through the rest of my schooling career. I’d neglect math in particular, and so it compounded into something that was genuinely too big for me in the moment. Even today whenever I think about math it is simply something I consider off limits for someone with a brain that shares my capacity.

That is failure point number one, and the brain just loves to hold on to failures doesn’t it? I pushed that to the back of my brain, school for me after that was always finishing things at the last minute, and frankly, it worked. Suddenly I graduated and nothing in the real world works like this.

Depressed and without a path, I decided to try and do something for myself. I picked up piano, great right? No, not for me. Every single lesson no matter what the teacher said became a verdict on how I somehow didn’t do enough. Even if I never practiced that entire week it still became ammunition for why I shouldn’t practice the week following. Why practice if it’s never enough? Why practice if I don’t believe I will reach my goals? Why do anything if I think I am too stupid to do it? I don’t know how to stop thinking of myself as so stupid, and it is genuinely crushing any ability I may have of ever getting better. How do I stop this? I need it to stop.

I have no real accomplishments to look back on that can override any of this. I got ok grades in school but I wasn’t a wiz. I was never any good at sports, I can’t say I’ve ever been good enough to set myself apart in anything I’ve ever done so far in life. I don’t understand how to build confidence in myself when there are no positive feedback points to think back on. Even so, if I wanted to create ones in my future, how long would that take? I mean, let’s say I were to pick up piano again, it will take me years to become “good enough” for myself and by the third week I will have already given up. It all seems like a circle.

I don’t mean to people that matter. Friends, family, everyone close is told the truth if they ask. Coworkers, people who don’t need to know, do you ever lie?

I know it’s not the best to lie, but sometimes it truly feels worth it. Some people will just push and push and push. It’s easier to tell them you’ve slept with one person, or been in one relationship. In my experience if you tell them you’re a virgin, things don’t end there.

They begin getting inquisitive, ask why. Sometimes are even shocked. Hell, people even accuse me of lying sometimes. I’ve learned to just lie, say I’ve slept with one person. It’s way easier than admitting the truth.

Of course if it ever happened that a woman would be interested in me, I wouldn’t lie. It’s not like I’m trying to be deceitful, I’m just trying to get out of the conversation, and people around me don’t take no for an answer.

I truly believe this will be the reason I’m unable to ever find a girlfriend. I’m not super attractive, I’m not super ugly. I’d describe myself as a little below average, but nothing that personality can’t make up for.

I haven’t pursued that many women, about 7 (I’m 23). One of them ended up being a pretty terrible person, the other didn’t work out due to differing views. The others were just flat out rejections. Most of the women who have liked me in my life (2/3) have done so for extremely gross and superficial reasons (fetishization) and it has left me incredibly demoralized.

Some of these rejections were said in a pretty hurtful manner, and while I understand I shouldn’t be affected by this, it’s easier said than done. I didn’t do anything to deserve it, they just felt the need to let me know that I wasn’t good enough for them.

I think I’m done. If an amazing opportunity comes up naturally, of course I’ll take it, but I doubt it will. No one ever seems to have romantic interest in me, they just want to be my friend. Worst part is they wonder why I’ve never been in a relationship, isn’t the reason obvious? It’s the same reason that they wanted to be friends and nothing more.

I guess I’d like to hear some of your stories, and hear what others have to think. I hope you’re all having or have had a good day.

Look, I hear the slander for pineapple on pizza often, but I seriously don’t get it. In no way is it not in the top five toppings. What you’re gonna get a meat lovers and have zero vegetables? You’re gonna get a vegetarian and wallow in pity from lack of meat? Embrace pineapple supremacy and allow that little burst of sweet, tangy deliciousness to usher you off to a better place.

I just can’t really believe it. I’ve never been in an actual relationship, and on top of that I’ve only kissed one person which to this day I kind of regret. My personality has never been the problem, but unfortunately I am ugly and my friends are genuinely all very attractive.

Whenever I would go out with them I would simply get zero attention. Women I was talking with would see my friends and I could just tell it was over after that. All my friends girlfriends have always wondered how I’ve never been in a relationship, but to me the reason is quite obvious.

I don’t approach women much, I’m a pretty introverted guy. On top of that I’m ugly and balding at 23. I’ve had extremely bad luck with people in the past, mostly concerning really mean rejections. Now at work today what happens? My coworker asked me why I don’t have a girlfriend and then she proceeded to say “you’re not awful looking” like really…… Why of all things would you say that? And then weeks before that she asks me if I’ve ever thought of plastic surgery? Like why the fuck do I have to be so offensive to the eyes…….

I don’t know what to do anymore guys. I feel like it’s a lost cause for me.

I’m just done with life man. It’s been nothing but bullshit the whole time. Grew up and live in an abusive household, failed out of college. Now I’m a failure to launch and all my friends are growing up and getting busy.

They’re all good looking, charming, and have girlfriends. Even when they don’t they aren’t single for more than half a year. I can’t go back to school currently and I can’t even join the damn military now because I’m instantly rejected due to my ideation. The trades don’t want me and my country is going in to a recession. Now I’m stuck working a dead end job.

Only kissed one girl and now I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’ll be a single virgin forever. I’m really ugly and I’m not tall. I’m also balding. The only thing that’s saved me so far has been my personality but that isn’t enough. Ive been rejected heartlessly too many times.

I hate being a man. I hate that I’m expected to be the one to ask someone out. It’ll never happen again and for that reason I’ll be forever single. No woman will ever approach me, I’m not good looking enough for that. I just wish I was born attractive. No I don’t think women have it easier in dating either, we just have different struggles. I hate my struggles because it’s all I’ve known or ever will know.

I know I need therapy to fix this, I know I need to reach out for help, I know I need to keep trying. I simply can’t do it. I heard a statistic a year or so back about a man every minute dying to suicide. I feel bad for everyone that has felt that was what they needed to do, but at the same time, I get so happy when I think that one day I’ll be part of that man a minute.

Oh my god like it’s actually insane. I get when you’re learning stuff you will make mistakes. Everybody knows that’s a part of learning. Eventually you’re supposed to learn from them right? Well not me. I’ve been learning for four years now and keep making the same completely stupid mistakes. I am fully convinced I’ll never be good at anything worthwhile. I need to pick up birdwatching or puzzles as a hobby. Something simple that my brain can understand. No point in torturing myself for the rest of my life fighting an uphill battle for a goal I’ll never accomplish.

I’m 24 years old so I’m getting to that age where a lot of people I know distantly are having kids. In my close friend circle there are also a few that I know who have been in stable relationships for years. As for me well there’s really nothing. I work a shitty job, have no college education. I don’t have hobbies anymore because I suck at them too much to do them. I know I have things to offer outside of just money but it doesn’t matter.

I’m not willing to have kids if I’m not financially stable and because of my lack of college education it’s just not going to happen. The trades aren’t an option either. Already tried that but have just been constantly ghosted. To add to this I’ve never dated so I’m just fucking behind in everything.

Even if I wanted to go back to college I’d need to wait at least two years so I’d be 26 and then I go through do my four years and I’m already 30 with a mountain of student debt. Then what? Search for a job in the current state my country is in? Just not feasible. Life sucks.

Im sure other people feel this way but I can’t stop thinking about it. Every time I go outside or see an animal I just think about how much better it would be to be them instead. I hate the level of cognition that evolution has decided to “gift” humans. Almost everything that is making me depressed is out of my control and it’s genuinely going to be almost impossible to get out. I’m sick of crying all the time and I’m sick of faking smiles. I’m sick of making people laugh and I’m sick of my life.