u/Intrepid-Medium4256

I'm spiralling, I've spent the last two weeks in extreme burnout, sleeping all day just to escape this life. I don't know what I'm missing but the idea of becoming a "responsible adult" which is apparently just someone who's constantly working and never asking for help is so horrible and I know I'll never manage to be that. I don't want to do anything anymore, even things that I loved have become full of pressure and expectation that I feel like I'll never be able to meet. Nothing brings me joy anymore, I'm lucky if I do something and it doesn't burn me out. I don't have a support system and the world around me isn't friendly. I want to know what to do to feel okay, because I feel like there's no hope for me.

Recently I started to get back into art more seriously and hit the wall I always hit, aphantasia. I absolutely hate that I have it, it makes everything 1000 times harder because I don't see what I'm supposed to draw at all. I only create something half-decent when I trace already created art and copy colors and shading. It's so upsetting to watch people around me create beautiful things while I can't imagine anything. Knowing that I lack imagination makes me feel so horrible and like I'm missing something fundamental, no amount of "you just think differently" is convincing me since the effects of it in my case are very negative. I'm just wondering what I should do, even though I love art it hurts so much to see myself struggle with something that's completely innate to most people. It hurts to watch me try to create something of my own and fail again and again. It hurts to know no amount of practice will make me see visually in my mind. Does anyone have any advice for this? How do I come to terms with this and actually be able to draw well?

I need advice on this. I love drawing and creating in general. I hate the art I make. I try my best but it's never enough, it looks genuinely awful no matter how much I try. The years keep ticking by and honestly, I used to draw better before but now it feels like I've regressed in skill. I try so hard not to compare myself, but how do you actually do that when everyone around you is better than you? Heck, people who are younger than me and spent way less time, to which they proudly admit, are better than me. It's cool to have progress motivate you but it's impossible to ignore the effect. How do I keep going when I just hate the result each time I make something?

Today I understood I'll always be alone. It's been 17 years of this and all I ever wanted was to feel wanted, to feel like someone cares about me, but I never did. I do my best, I push myself beyond my limits just to be with people and try to make friends, but I'm always alone and genuinely all I can do is laugh internally when someone tells me "I'm sure you're great!!" Or "you have to love yourself first!" If I'm anything other than a mistake then why hasn't anyone loved me for myself, ever? Genuinely what is the chance of me just being "unlucky" for 17 YEARS of struggling to make human connection? How can I love myself when I know nobody would ever choose me? I would do anything for a scrap of what people around me get daily. They're so effortless about it, they make connection without struggle and I try my best and it's never enough. When will this hell end?

I have tried my best. I've tried to make friends, to be social, to explore my interests, to get to know myself. But the more I search the more I realize how hollow I am. How absolutely worthless my life is. I really hate myself and I can't stop.

I have no interests, everything I do is motivated by external validation. Depression has destroyed all my interest in things I used to love. I don't even know who I am, I don't have a sense of self anymore, all I know is that in social situations I'm the most boring, shallow person on the planet. I try my best and it's never enough, ever, nobody ever talks with me out of interest, nobody actually likes me. I think I realized I'm deeply unlikeable as a kid and since then I've been compensating for the fact that I'm me by pretending my interests equal my personality.

I'm just really tired. Everyone says "just love yourself!" But I can't, I tried my best and I just can't. This feeling isn't going away, nothing is helping and I'm slowly realizing I'll never actually love myself. I wish I was someone I could love.