u/JaliscoOaxaca

ARBY’S PEACH COBBLER ROLL

In neither temporal measurement nor distance traveled does the journey of self-awareness need to be a long one.

From the time I barked my order into the drive-thru’s loudspeaker to the time I pulled up to the window, debit card in hand, I had already experienced an epiphany. For in those grave 30 seconds between thought and execution, I remembered that I hate peaches.

🛑 For the TLDR crowd, you can scroll to the bottom for a haiku that sums up the rating. 

Low-level panic set in as I don’t want to waste 350; Both the approximate price and the calorie count. 

There’s no turning back now.

Between my thumb and forefinger, I hold one of the rolls. It’s very hot, but my inquisitive fat boy nature dictates that I focus on the food’s form factor before I eat. Ignoring the discomfort of my two most important digits, I note that the roll is quite heavy for its size.

More important than its heft, I realize that the outside feels incredibly crispy and fried hard, but not to the point of being dried out. It reminds me of the shell of a good egg roll mixed with a dash of that old-skool MCDONALD’S FRIED APPLE PIE (review in bio) texture that McDonald’s came close to recapturing recently, but could never supplant the greatness that they achieved during the smoking-in-restaurants era.

Upon biting into it. I’m welcomed by a satisfying, tasty grease flavor that marries the dough in a funnel cake type of flavor. The grease and dough are so well-balanced that both are prominent without either being intrusive. As a bonus, the crunch level is phenomenal.

Internally, the filling doesn’t taste like peaches at all, which is why I liked it, but the world doesn’t revolve around me, and fans of that awful stone fruit are going to be disappointed. The interior does taste like fruit, and it’s quite pleasant, but I have no frame of reference to tell you which fruit that would be. It’s a warm, egg yolk-textured magma that makes me feel equal parts satisfied with the mouthfeel and distressed by the unnatural flavor, which portends health consequences from chemical exposure.

Haiku:

Faux fruit right and wrong

An uneasy flavor quest

Assuaged by crispness

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐

OREO - FIRECRACKER POP

My default name for this flavor is “BOMB POP”, but as this product name suggests, what we are presented with is a collaboration with the Popsicle company’s version of the treat. The only difference between the 2 products is the shape, in which Firecracker pops are more aerodynamic and have a greater ribbed-for-her-pleasure texture.

Just as no one asked me for that clarification,  not one damn person asked for this fusion of products to be made. Oreo can infuse a lot of flavors into its cookies, but who the hell wants a cookie that tastes like something from the ice cream truck? (Unless it’s CHOCO TACO)

Skeptically, I peeled open the bag and instantly smelled popsicles. The scent is scarily accurate. 

Though it’s not a DOUBLE STUF Oreo, there’s a heavier amount of filling, as each of the three Firecracker flavors (Cherry/Lemon-lime/ Blue raspberry) is ~40% of the volume of a normal Oreo’s creme. Don’t stress the slightly higher 90 calories per cookie. This is 4th of July weekend. It’s a celebration, bitches!

I don't know if I got a dud, but the exterior cookie tasted and looked slightly underbaked when compared to other GOLDEN OREO varieties.

Inside, the cremes tasted exactly like Firecracker pops. I was shocked at how closely they were able to duplicate the flavor. Extra credit for the texture as well. Recently, the fruity-flavored Oreos have had too much palm oil or something that makes them feel slick and heavy. They managed to give these a pleasant, silky mouthfeel without unneeded unctuosity.

Ambivalently, I write this review. After eating half the package, I still don’t know how to feel about these.As much as I laud the efforts here, the cookie and creme do not belong together.

Sadly, the treat made to commemorate the U.S. could benefit from segregation.

Haiku:

Divisive dessert

Quarter millennium doubts

It ain’t boring though

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

#haiku #ribbedforherpleasure

McDONALD’S FRIED APPLE PIE

Last week, I took the time to watch a pre-cancelled James Franco in a show called ‘ 11.22.63’. It’s essentially about a modern era cat who uses a time portal to go back to the 1960’s.

There’s a scene in which he pays pennies for the best apple pie he’s ever tasted. That mini-series is adapted from a Stephen King novel, so there’s a great deal of fantasy involved, but the “pommes de temps” (It’s fun to say) scene definitely shows up in this product.

🛑 For the TLDR crowd, you can scroll to the bottom for a haiku that sums up the rating. 

It’s been like 30 years since Mickey D’s absconded with the OG apple pies like a thief in the night and left us with a flaccid, baked version in their wake. A culinary rug was pulled out from under American fast-food eaters, under the guise of “low cholesterol”, when in reality, the company just wanted something that could be cooked faster in order to maximize profits. I don’t eat McDonald’s much, but I missed them crisp, HOTPOCKET-shaped pies that held an even more dangerous molten center.

Fast forward to now, I’m pleased with the warm, crusty outer shell of this pie. It has a lot of bubbles in the pastry, which suggests that hot oil was responsible for giving asperity to the outside. The crunch is familiar, but lacking a bit of crispness. The old pies had a quality similar to the fat egg rolls at a hood Chinese restaurant. The new ones have a satisfying bite, but they’re closer to that of a taquito.

Internally, thankfully, the beloved molten quality of the ’90s persists and is still capable of burning the roof of your mouth. Less, comfortingly, the apple bits look a little unseasoned. When I was a kid, I recall the guts being deeper in color and having flecks of pie spices. The new version is several shades paler, and though there are chunks of apple, the filling feels more homogenous.

As a kid, maximizing the pie as a true fat boy meant ordering a CARAMEL SUNDAE W/ NUTS to dip the fried pie bits into. This A1C-elevating snack was top tier. Commercially, only a HOT FUDGE SUNDAE is available now. I attempted to use it to enhance my experience, but it added nothing.

While the apple pie is a welcome throwback, I wish they brought back the blueberry version, as that would have a larger margin of error, and the danger of pyroclastic pie filling is more harrowing, but adds to the fun.

Haiku:

Grown-ups need warmth too

While the past is a blanket

This bedding has holes

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

This meal sucked

The "tree" is only about 7 inches tall. Is it salvageable?

Kizame.

West Hills (L.A.)

I had to do most of the heavy lifting bc she kept letting them ply her with diet Cokes, but a great time was had and I'd give this place an A-

The shrimp were fried so perfectly that I spent a decent amount of my gastric capacity on those.

The "jalapeno" aspect was lacking tho.