Whenever I read about other people's abusive parents, I feel like they have it worse than I do. It makes me feel like my trauma isn't valid and like I'm an asshole for calling my parents abusive. I somehow have diagnosed (and labeled severe) CPTSD from my childhood (and tbh adult life since, too), but it still doesn't feel like my trauma was bad enough.
If my mom asks how I'm doing, I sometimes find myself reluctant to say if I'm doing well, and end up giving a kind of neutral answer or implying that I'm not doing the best, even on a pretty good day. I realized I formed this automatic habit because if I say I'm doing well, she is more likely to have expectations and place demands on me, so it makes it easier to just be left alone.
I'm revisiting and unpacking more about enmeshment and emotional incest. Really just looking for a starting point to understand what happened to me and what I'm dealing with. Sorry this is so vague, but if others could share some examples of enmeshment and some of the ways this has affected them, I think it would help me understand myself. To me, it feels almost like a type of brainwashing and grooming even if it wasn't intentional on the parent's part.
Mom is abusive, but is also in poor health and is showing early cognitive impairment.
Who the fuck is someone like me supposed to go to for help and answers when my therapist directly says "I know this isn't comforting, but I don't know what I would do in your position," my mom's former/maybe current again therapist answered my reaching out to her for help saying she doesn't think it would be appropriate to speak with me, my mom completely refuses to see a healthcare provider regardless of whether it's a GP, a psychiatrist, or someone who can assess her cognitive state, she didn't like the options I found us for family counseling and refused to go to them (and the options she liked the sound of are non-options because they don't do family counseling) so I have no one to go to in that capacity, my mom is generally capable of managing her finances and share of bills with only occasional mishaps, hygeine, preparing her own meals, driving, ect., and doesn't have severe enough cognitive impairment to be forced into getting seen by anyone or doing anything, the elderly care resources I've been given are only there for people who can't manage their ADLs or need memory care, trying to take the legal route to report her volatile and abusive behavior requires interacting with pigs and will do nothing to address what is essentially the problem of trying to cope with a very difficult person with extensive physical and mental health problems who needs much greater intervention to manage those problems, but again, is within her legal right to refuse to do anything because difficult and mentally ill or not she is of sound mind, and when she has started making threats to accuse my partner and possibly myself of harming her because he raised his voice to tell her to leave him alone after she refused to stop screaming at him. What then.
My mom (who lives with me) is in her 70s and is abusing my partner and me. Sometimes she commits acts like actual harassment, assault, and false imprisonment. She has used threats with a weapon just to shut us up. We feel like there is nothing we can do to protect or defend ourselves because if we try to hold boundaries or tell her to leave us alone, she escalates, then spins around and claims she's the victim of emotional abuse. She claims she was hurt (she wasn't) during an incident in which she screamed at us, harassed us, and made threats while waving her hands in my face and trying to grab my phone; she actually ended up pushing me, grabbing me, and kicking me to try to kick me out of my own house, and is now claiming she has "documentation" that SHE was physically harmed (again, she was not)!!! Feeling trapped. The good friends and family who know about this have strongly encouraged us to record everything and even lawyer up to protect ourselves, in case we have to prove that she's the aggressor. Everyone has told us that even if she tried to make an accusation against us, it's clearly false; she has a long history of abuse and she was not assaulted in any way (what occurred was self defense of raising a voice to tell her again to leave us alone and having to block her hands because she was assaulting us and tired to take my phone). She's threatened to use this against us to claim she's the victim if I try to say anything to anyone to get help. I'm legitimately afraid of this "little old woman" because she out of control angry, vindictive, and dishonest.
I'd be less stressed but I'm on low income and can't afford real legal representation so I need help with resources, advice, and support. This shit has me panicked and I've been drowning because I'm afraid nobody will believe me.
My last delivery yesterday was reported as missing, as in they claimed the whole order was never delivered. Total bullshit. Either they gave the wrong address, got got by porch pirates, or as I suspect, are committing fraud to get a free order. I'm so stressed over this because I fully depend on Instacart for my livelihood right now. Been doing it for years with high ratings and good reviews.
Sorry, this is going to be long, I have anxiety and OCD and I'm bad at explaining things briefly.
I dry vape pretty much exactly 0.1g of flower per day (occasionally a bit more, sometimes less), and at around 20-23%, this amounts to about 20mg THC per day. I have been doing this for about 5-6 years now. I have taken 2-3 t breaks during that time frame, so hardly ever. Yes it's every single day. Didn’t form a regular or long-term habit as a teen, that didn't start until I got bad complex PTSD symptoms at 26-27. I don't rely on weed to have an appetite or eat.
What I learned about CHS a few years ago was that it was caused by HEAVY (high potency, high dose) usage all the time. Like folks who are using carts, dabs, and a lot of edibles, often consuming 100s of mg THC per day--way more than I ever have, and have even heard from medical professionals that it'd be hard to develop at my level of usage. So I basically put it out of my mind.
I wasn't prompted to look into CHS due to symptoms at all. I randomly had an article about it come across my feed, and clicked in. Well, I'm prone to anxiety and OCD, so lo and behold, now I'm paranoid. I'm also very prone to bouts of dizziness, nausea, and hot flashes due to hormonal cycles. At those times I will also sometimes have IBS symptoms like gas pain, but not any real stomach pain. Hot showers seem to make the symptoms WORSE, not better. The issues are very predictably related to my hormonal cycles, and I have no real track record of them happening outside of that. It's been a problem for far longer than I've smoked weed.
HOWEVER, my anxiety has latched onto that as a "sign" that I have early CHS or will develop CHS. I've been obsessively reading EVERY article and thread about it--which is what my OCD makes me do. Ugh.
I'd be happy to cut back, ideally only use a few times a week, take regular breaks, detox every few months. But I use THC for my C-PTSD and chronic illness (long COVID etc.) and quitting or cutting back is EXTREMELY hard. Every time I try, I get hit with some pretty hefty withdrawal, and I go right back--but that being said, I'm pretty good with not letting my use get out of hand. I can keep it to evenings; I can easily stick to my 0.1g/day or less limit.
Edit: More info, since it's been asked -
It might also be worth saying that when I get PMDD nausea, it comes with the other symptoms like heartburn, bloating, IBS type stuff. Then poof, it goes away the second my menstrual cycle moves on. And nauzene (OTC) works great for me most of the time (when I get fed up enough to use it, but it's usually not severe enough for me to treat anyway).
I've actually had a medical professional tell me that it's very unlikely my weed usage is a problem--but regardless, and in the name of caution and knowing I am addicted, I've already been working on cutting back for the past month so that I can use less and take scheduled t breaks.
Ironically, and idk why I did this to myself, I am on day 3 of cutting my usage to about 50% while having PMDD, and the withdrawal has made my nausea worse (of course). 😂
I guess I'm looking for... Input? Feedback? Advice? Thoughts? Comments? Lol.
Any other comments are welcome. Thanks.