u/Jotaro_Kujo_1987

What I'm about to talk about is alternative culture, but I couldn't find a better sub to say it in than here.

It fascinated me, and some of that contributed to who I am now. But sometimes I check Instagram or when friends invite me to city bazaars where alternative people abound. I see them and I really try not to feel bad and compare myself because I say WOW they really look good but that doesn't apply to me and I would like to, or I envy many physical aspects or clothing and accessories I see different groups of friends hanging out in those places and it makes me sad because, well, almost all of them are high school kids and I'm already in college, so it feels... As if I had missed something important, or simply as if my place isn't there and it overwhelms me, Do I partly want to belong? And at the same time, don't I? It's confusing, I start thinking about more people and it overwhelms me. I don't know if that's weird or bad. What's wrong with me?

Sometimes I imagine what my future will be like, where I'll be living, what I'll be like, maybe the girl I'll be with, everything in vivid detail as if it were my imagination. And I start thinking, this is wrong, I shouldn't, Is it really bad?

Being me at 17 still living with my parents after finishing high school.

A few years ago I started to develop a logical way of thinking and I stopped doing many things that I was used to doing. Like my affection for my parents, I simply stopped feeling the need to say anything to them or be nice to them, not because I saw it as wrong. I literally didn't like it and I was irritable. It was like, okay, I don't like it, but because it's fake and I don't want to show them fake affection to compensate for something. But it makes me want to feel bad, especially with Mom, who repeatedly says she's tired of everything and wants to know what's wrong with you when things get bad. For example, when she found out about bad grades at school, Without going into details, at that time he was talking to me and only saying that I was wrong and that the only bad thing in my life was using the laptop to play games and that that was an addiction. I can agree with that in the early years of high school. But in the end, nah, There were other things she was going through, but she didn't talk about them because they were very difficult and it wasn't necessary since she was more about finding solutions to all of that. And well, my situation didn't have that kind of solution, you know, she's also extremely positive. And part of my family was the same, so that also irritated me and made me who I am. And now it's just like I don't know what to say to her, it's just me trying not to make a scene so everything doesn't fall apart and she doesn't stop talking to me or become distant. On the other hand, my dad is the type to be superficial, and only say what he doesn't like. I literally found out from my sister that before meeting mom in the city, he was already with another woman and had a child. And that made me realize definitively that my lack of affection for dad was justified. Not because my dad didn't have another family, It's just that it says a lot about dad, and well, I love him in a way that was affectionate when I was a little kid. And all those memories of my old house with the whole family, but now they don't matter so much with my current situation. And it just makes me think that I loved my parents unconditionally when all I thought about was eating hamburgers and nuggets at burger king. (When I was a child and didn't think so much) Even with all this, I love them in my own way and I could give many things to make them happy, but that's as far as it goes.

And I don't know if I should point this out to them because they are very difficult to deal with when it comes to explanations. And I honestly think everything would be the same or uncomfortable. And honestly, I'm not going through that right now.

Have you ever stopped to think how absurd existence is now? All things, material and otherwise, are so pointless. The only thing that remains the same is nature and the animals. But just imagine for a moment that everything now is a fever dream or a nightmare on a random night and you wake up and realize that. It almost sounds like a breath of fresh air. It's depressing that we have to resort to thinking of this as a bad dream. Have you thought about it?

It's like, she has her Instagram and all that on her phone, and I'm just that weirdo who doesn't like algorithms or anything from Google. We barely know each other and we've been going out, but I don't know when to tell her this. I have a digital phone, obviously, but I want to stop using it and I don't know if that will affect our relationship.

It was during the middle of my high school years, I was watching this rom-com anime and I started questioning things, like why the people around me were the way they were, or the actions and things they said. That's when I realized that my whole life up to that point was absurd and monotonous, knowing what my parents would say to me every day, how my schoolmates would behave, or getting upset Because of the stupid situations I got involved in both inside and outside of school, and how annoying it became to consider friends and family, Being respectful wasn't about saying things nicely or having a smile on your face. That a "hello, how are you?" wasn't just "good," But the scraps of my life, like these moments, made me think about how absurd and ridiculous it has all been up until now. Has anyone else felt this way after the awakening?

Girls younger than me means only teenagers, no kids or that shit so as not to misunderstand.

It all started when I saw the alt girls, you know specifically the emo and scene girls, You will know that these two things were used more by young people than adults. So being a 16 year old boy I was like wow. These girls are my age and they are beautiful and it was like shit, youthful feminine beauty, I was even planning to create art about it. But I didn't do anything lol, The fact is that I turned 17 that year and yeah There weren't many changes other than that I was older and I hardly gave importance to the taboo subject of dating a girl years younger than me. Until now, I have finished high school and I feel a void, I did not have girlfriends or romantic affairs with a girl, In itself my entire school life was absurd, but that emptiness is taking effect on me, Now I think that my taste in scene/emo girls is a bit weird since most of the photos are of teenagers, and well I'm turning 18 and I thought that this interest is long term but I feel sick thinking about it because I imagined myself being a man and still appreciating this as if I were a boy and it's kind of creepy because teen girls? Yeah and repress this shit or I don't know but I remember all those pretty girls younger than me like 14 limit and I'm burning my head and calling myself depraved and a potential fucking pervert Which is stupid because I'm still a minor. but still I know that this mrd is obviously not well and I think she is becoming a bit sexual, and I recently saw the post from 14 years ago from this same sub that talked about something similar but with those same sexual tones or taboo shit like being older and being intimate with someone younger, That shit does something to me and it terrifies me because I no longer know if it's something I can truly accept or not, shit I don't want to be a Mr. J.E yk.

I don't know, what do you think? Am I crazy? Should I leave reddit or stop masturbating out of habit? Should I leave my house and go to hell? Get me to a psychiatrist? Crucify me? I'm a man, but shit this ain't a man thing.