u/Jumping-bear18

Hey everyone,
My name is David. I’m 43, I’ve been married for 10 years, with my wife for 13, and I’m now beginning a divorce I never wanted. We have two children—one from a previous relationship and one together.
The last year has been incredibly difficult. Around the time my wife entered perimenopause, our relationship changed significantly. Physical affection became almost nonexistent, even simple touch became difficult, and there was a growing emotional distance between us.
We spent about three months in couples therapy trying to work through things. A couple of Wednesdays ago, we walked into another session and the first thing she told me was, “David, I want a divorce.”
I was completely blindsided. The previous few days had actually felt good. She had gotten a promotion, we celebrated together, and I had no indication that this was coming.
I immediately started spiraling. I left the therapy session because I couldn’t handle what I was hearing. I went home, broke down with my kids, and told them what had happened. Looking back, I wish I had handled that part differently.
When my wife came home, we talked with the kids in the bedroom. I was desperately trying to understand what was happening because, in my mind, I was losing the love of my life and the person I thought I would grow old with.
My anxiety became overwhelming. I was dizzy, lightheaded, my heart was racing, I couldn’t organize my thoughts, and eventually I dropped to my knees. (Warning: potential triggering part of story)
>!!After my wife and the kids left the room, I made a serious mistake. I grabbed my handgun and sat on the floor with it. I was not planning to hurt myself or anyone else, but I was completely emotionally lost, and I recognize now how dangerous that situation could have become. My wife took the firearm away and called 911. When police arrived, they treated me with compassion, and I voluntarily admitted myself to a mental-health facility. I stayed for about a day and a half.!<!<
That experience forced me to look deeply at myself.
When I got out, I started working seriously on my mental health and myself as a person. At the same time, part of me was still hoping there might be some way to save our marriage.
At our next couples-therapy appointment, I took a leap of faith. I dressed similarly to how I had dressed around our wedding, wore my wedding ring, and read her a letter that was over five minutes long.
I told her I loved her, that I saw her, and that I wasn’t asking her to give me an answer or reassurance. I only hoped we could give something this big more time before making it permanent. I also promised that no matter what she said during the session, I would stay, listen, and respect her feelings.
She thanked me for the letter, but told me she had already made her decision. I later learned that she had been mentally preparing herself for divorce for several months, while for me it happened almost overnight.
Yesterday was my first night in the house without her or my daughter there.
It hurt more than I expected.
I don’t really have anyone locally that I can lean on. Most of my support right now comes from my individual therapist or people I can talk to over the phone.
Last night I reached out to my wife and asked if she would meet me halfway between our houses—her mom lives only a couple houses away. I told her I was struggling. She told me she knew, but that this was something I was going to have to learn how to deal with without relying on her.
I understood what she was saying, even though it hurt. After 13 years together, and because we both hope to eventually be friends and good co-parents, part of me still instinctively sees her as the person I go to when life hurts. I thought maybe I could at least get a hug.
Instead, we eventually walked our separate ways.
So today I’m trying something different.
This is my first real day of reaching outside of my marriage for support, learning from other men who have been through this, and trying to understand what life after divorce might look like.
Right now I’m grieving my wife, my marriage, the family life I knew, and the future I thought we were going to have together. I’m also trying to figure out how I’m going to manage the house, finances, animals, kids, loneliness, and everything else that comes with suddenly imagining life on my own.
I don’t really know what comes next yet.
If any of you have been in this place—especially those who didn’t want the divorce—I’d appreciate hearing what helped you get through those first weeks and months.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I know it’s still long, but it means a lot just knowing there are other men out there who understand.

Hey everyone,
My name is David. I’m 43, I’ve been married for 10 years, with my wife for 13, and I’m now beginning a divorce I never wanted. We have two children—one from a previous relationship and one together.
The last year has been incredibly difficult. Around the time my wife entered perimenopause, our relationship changed significantly. Physical affection became almost nonexistent, even simple touch became difficult, and there was a growing emotional distance between us.
We spent about three months in couples therapy trying to work through things. A couple of Wednesdays ago, we walked into another session and the first thing she told me was, “David, I want a divorce.”
I was completely blindsided. The previous few days had actually felt good. She had gotten a promotion, we celebrated together, and I had no indication that this was coming.
I immediately started spiraling. I left the therapy session because I couldn’t handle what I was hearing. I went home, broke down with my kids, and told them what had happened. Looking back, I wish I had handled that part differently.
When my wife came home, we talked with the kids in the bedroom. I was desperately trying to understand what was happening because, in my mind, I was losing the love of my life and the person I thought I would grow old with.
My anxiety became overwhelming. I was dizzy, lightheaded, my heart was racing, I couldn’t organize my thoughts, and eventually I dropped to my knees. (Warning: potential triggering part of story)
>!!After my wife and the kids left the room, I made a serious mistake. I grabbed my handgun and sat on the floor with it. I was not planning to hurt myself or anyone else, but I was completely emotionally lost, and I recognize now how dangerous that situation could have become. My wife took the firearm away and called 911. When police arrived, they treated me with compassion, and I voluntarily admitted myself to a mental-health facility. I stayed for about a day and a half.!<!<
That experience forced me to look deeply at myself.
When I got out, I started working seriously on my mental health and myself as a person. At the same time, part of me was still hoping there might be some way to save our marriage.
At our next couples-therapy appointment, I took a leap of faith. I dressed similarly to how I had dressed around our wedding, wore my wedding ring, and read her a letter that was over five minutes long.
I told her I loved her, that I saw her, and that I wasn’t asking her to give me an answer or reassurance. I only hoped we could give something this big more time before making it permanent. I also promised that no matter what she said during the session, I would stay, listen, and respect her feelings.
She thanked me for the letter, but told me she had already made her decision. I later learned that she had been mentally preparing herself for divorce for several months, while for me it happened almost overnight.
Yesterday was my first night in the house without her or my daughter there.
It hurt more than I expected.
I don’t really have anyone locally that I can lean on. Most of my support right now comes from my individual therapist or people I can talk to over the phone.
Last night I reached out to my wife and asked if she would meet me halfway between our houses—her mom lives only a couple houses away. I told her I was struggling. She told me she knew, but that this was something I was going to have to learn how to deal with without relying on her.
I understood what she was saying, even though it hurt. After 13 years together, and because we both hope to eventually be friends and good co-parents, part of me still instinctively sees her as the person I go to when life hurts. I thought maybe I could at least get a hug.
Instead, we eventually walked our separate ways.
So today I’m trying something different.
This is my first real day of reaching outside of my marriage for support, learning from other men who have been through this, and trying to understand what life after divorce might look like.
Right now I’m grieving my wife, my marriage, the family life I knew, and the future I thought we were going to have together. I’m also trying to figure out how I’m going to manage the house, finances, animals, kids, loneliness, and everything else that comes with suddenly imagining life on my own.
I don’t really know what comes next yet.
If any of you have been in this place—especially those who didn’t want the divorce—I’d appreciate hearing what helped you get through those first weeks and months.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I know it’s still long, but it means a lot just knowing there are other men out there who understand.

Hello, I’m a parent of a 20 year old son that is functioning Autistic and has an intellectual disability. Trying my best to keep this within the rules, so here we go.

One of my son’s biggest challenges is being easily influenced into decisions. This goes back to his assessment for Oregon Disability Services. The lady asked him for his debit card number and pin and he instantly gave it to her without thinking it over. It’s something we are working on. Anyway, he’s in a youth transitions program and has a case
Manager through ODS.

Our hopes are in time he will be fully independent and able to live on his own, at the moment the best way to describe him is, he’s got the mentality of a 16 year old. I’ve had custody of my son since he was 4 years old and he would go to his bio moms in Iowa for summer visitation. He recently went to visit for 3 weeks and the day before he was scheduled to get on a plane back he text me saying he wanted to live there and he was not getting on the plane. Trying to keep this respectful and within the rules, his bio mom suggested that he live there and said he had many opportunities there, to explain within the rules hopefully, she doesn’t have the tools required to support him? Anyway, I was able to talk to them both respectfully and get him on the plane.

He’s been back for a week now, and he’s still influenced that what’s best for him is moving. I do not have extended guardianship as I have been told that in the state of Oregon right now it is extremely difficult to get it, even with it being obvious that the child cannot be independent. My fear is him leaving and him taking care of mom and putting his life on hold along with other things. I don’t know what to do and it’s like I’m backed into a corner. I will do everything I can until there’s nothing left I can do to help my son and hopefully get him to understand where his support system and growth benefits him. Thank you for taking your time to read this and I hope it stayed within the rules.

So we tried some of the suggestions mentioned from my post yesterday and me and my bro (PS5) cannot find our buddies game (PC). He rented a server, and we seen the screenshot making sure crossplay was enabled, no mods, max 8 players, world size at 8k, public server and we still can’t find it. We have tried by server name and by his user name. We are so lost right now.

So me, my brother n a friend tried yesterday to start a new game together (2 PS5 players and 1 PC) and we could not find the server created by the PC player. Cross play was enabled, we selected the correct region, password enabled, server was set to public and we still couldn’t find it. Tried creating a server multiple times. When I made a server on my end, my brother was able to see it by our friend on PC did not see it. What are we doing wrong or is there a specific way we are supposed to set it up?

43 HLM, with 42 LLW/PM
I received a screenshot message from my wife earlier about one of my daughters friends mothers reaching out to her about my daughter spending the night at their house on the 4th to celebrate. My wife’s message after was,
“MayB we can actually go 2 bed at a decent hour. ☺️”
My first thought was, before PM, a message like that would more than likely mean a night of intimacy. These days reading that message means, she gets to go to bed early (she does majority of the time, but on the 4th she gets to). Now I could be wrong, and be in store for a surprise but it is highly unlikely due to the fact that we have no been intimate for close to a year now and she struggles even just touching me. Wish we could find something that helps that she will agree to trying or doing, but until then I just grind through.

So when I had joined this group I was at 2-3 months of no intimacy or physical touch (43-HLM) from my wife (42-PM-LLF). We are closing in on 10 months of no intimacy now and physical touch in all aspects is down to a hug or a touch on the shoulder here and there and the as I call them, auto pilot kisses. (Once in the morning and once arriving home from work). I know some of you are going a lot longer than my own journey and I just don’t know how we continue to keep going like this.
The first few months were a brutal feeling of pain, neglect, negative thoughts then it just hits a grey area for a long period of time. Recently I started getting anxiety spikes and the depression has spiked at times. Fast heart rate, heavy breathing, dizziness, and I’ll take my meds and it will slightly calm down but then I’ll have this out of world out of body like feeling for awhile. We do couples therapy and have been for about 3 months now, which has helped in certain areas but intimacy seems lost or far away still.

She’s going solo therapy which has pulled up some traumas from her past, but she’s been doing that for 6 months now. Any attempt to work together and find a solution to balance hormones and come together without it sounding like I’m trying to fix her has failed so I don’t ask anymore. She says she loves me and I believe her with little things she does, but it’s so confusing. She says it isn’t about me, she’s working through some things and she doesn’t know why she has a wall up. She’s mentioned that there’s things that build it all up together including past heated fights we had (no physical fighting) which hasn’t happened in years, her past relationships, PM, and so on.
Our therapist has been trying to figure this out as well to no prevail. I mentioned that the longer this goes the harder it’s going to be for her to want intimacy. I don’t know how many times I have heard from therapy and from my wife, that there are other methods of intimacy besides physical touch. As long as it has been, and how much we have worked on the other forms of intimacy, when do we work on the form of intimacy that I connect with the strongest? When do my feelings and form of connection get validated?

As much as we can work on these other forms there will always be this void of missing intimacy that I cannot hide from, mask, or be genuinely happy.