u/Junior-Donut-787

I consider myself a pretty feminine guy, I shave my bodyhair, I grow my hair long, I paint and file my nails, I wear womens clothes probably equally as much as mens (id probably dress femininely all of the time if she was okay with it), and I could keep going. Shes been up and down towards it ever since I opened up about it about a year ago. For the most part shes been really supportive, but i can tell its taken a toll on her to some degree. Shes bi but shes always loved me for my masculinity, and definitely prefers masculinity. However I just dont identify with it. Im okay with being a guy, but i hate the idea of being a "big buff hairy manly macho" one. She used to do my makeup for me like maybe once per week, sometimes more but usually less, but one day she just said she didn't want to do it. And it was the same thing the next day, and the next, and the next, and its been probably 2 months since ive had my makeup done.

I know it sounds stupid but its kind of killing me, its become so important to my identity and how I see myself, and she wont allow me to have it. The worst part is, she absolutely hates the idea of me doing my own makeup. She thinks guys doing their own makeup is an "ick". She won't do my makeup and she wont let me do it myself. Im just stuck. I told her its something thats really bothering me and she said she'd try to think of a compromise, but ive been sitting here twiddling my thumbs absolutely fucking dying. I miss it so much and I just haven't felt good about myself and I almost feel like I need it. But I dont know how to fulfill my needs without hurting her. Im so stuck and lost.

I love my job, best job ive ever had, just the only problem is its really the first job ive had that has a strict dress code. I have to wear the same stupid polo shirt and cargo pants everyday, the only shoes I can wear have to be plain black boots, have to have a black belt, and accessories and facial piercings are very strict. I also have to tie my hair back if its too long, and the worst part is im not allowed to dye it "unnatural colors". I'm surprised nobody's ever talked to me about my long and painted nails. Self expression is the most important thing to me, and there's none of it in my job. And I work about 50 hours per week, I spend more time at work than I do home most of the time. I spend most of my days thinking about coming home and dressing up and it literally just causes me so much anxiety just being forced to wear certain things for long periods.

Can anyone relate?

I typically do my nails later in the day, which results in them usually getting imprints from the fabric of my blanket by the time I wake up. Even with like a 4-6 hour gap between painting and sleep, I still have this issue. What do you guys do to prevent this?

I usually shave my face every 3ish days, but lately ive been trying to get as close of a shave as possible, I want to be completely clean shaven, I hate stubble and 5 o'clock shadows. If I shave with the grain, it isn't a very close shave and I still have very visible stubble, but when I go against the grain its a very close shave, but I get horrible razor burn. Literally half of my neck and all of my chin are fucking coated in painful red bumps and it looks awful. I hate how I look with stubble, but I hate how I look with razor burn even more. I usually use a single blade razor, but ive also tried multi blade, and electric but they all leave stubble. How do so many of yall have perfectly clear skin and smooth faces? I hate having facial hair.

For the last year or so ive been experimenting with my gender expression. Mainly that means my girlfriend has been doing my makeup on occasion to look more feminine, ive had my nails grown long/painted/filed for the whole time, ive been shaving basically everything from my nose down (minus my arms, its just a little too hard to hide that, armpits are hairless though), ive always had longer hair but ive been taking extra good care of it and im planning on growing it into a wolf cut kind of thing, ive gotten my ears pierced and plan on getting my septum done too, and most recently my style has shifted. Ive been enjoying dressing more androgynous, or like skater girl/90s goth. Like fishnets under baggy ripped jeans, wristwarmers, cropped tops/sweaters, skirts, and jeans shorts. Definitely more feminine than masculine. Ive been trying to get both me and my girlfriend more comfortable with me being in feminine clothing before I work my way up to dressing like this all of the time and in public, but for now after a long day of work I like to get dolled up.

My male pronouns dont really bother me, but everytime ive been referred in a feminine light like "girl" or "she" or something, I get some sense of joy. The other day I was dressed up and my girlfriend called me "pretty", like "have fun, pretty" and I legit smiled and giggled to myself for like 5 minutes straight, it made me feel so happy and genuinely pretty. Ive been playing around with "genderfluid" and "femboy", and they honestly both could fit but i mean they just dont sound like terms the general public would take seriously and I feel like I'd get laughed at. My coworker asked me one time "what do you identify as" and I knew he wouldn't be able to take "femboy" seriously so I just said "a dude". I generally prefer the feminine esthetic to a masculine one, and I feel more comfortable being in the presence of feminine people to masculine ones, I guess i dont necessarily mind being a guy but I dont know if I prefer it, but I certainly dont identify with masculinity. I dont know what that makes me.

I find that my outfits are more or less the same. A crop top or a girly top with baggy ripped jeans and fishnets underneath. I really fuck with that kind of style, but the only thing is I feel kind of lame wearing the same 2 outfits day in and out. I really want some Jean shorts and to get some more exciting tops, but right now im just kind of at a loss for how to dress and feel more girly and pretty. I also can't go too overboard most of the time, my girlfriend doesnt like seeing me in certain things like skirts, etc, so some more extreme things are off the table, I love my skirts but they're a wear in private and when im alone thing.

I like having a smooth chest and legs, I haven't quite gotten to my arms yet since that's harder to hide, but i want to get there. But does anyone else hate how fast that shit grows? I'll shave my legs smooth and less then a day later they're already slightly prickly and 2 days later and visible hair is back. It's frustrating.

So for about a year ive been experimenting with things like makeup, nail polish, growing and shaping my nails, shaving my bodyhair, womens clothes, piercings, and other things ive considered "feminine" but have never allowed myself to try. My girlfriend has been up and down about the topic. She reacted pretty badly at first, but then she came around, and shes always been supportive, but shes made it clear that she does not want a trans partner, and even though she says she wants me to be myself, certain things disturb her. She wants me to warn her before I put any girls clothes on and im not allowed to wear certain things (skirts mainly) around her, she hates the idea of me owning and doing my own makeup, ive toyed around with the idea of trying different pronouns but she laughs it off, she'll let me shave all of my bodyhair except for my arms and happy trail, and she always complains that she feels like "the man" of the relationship.

These things destroy me and it obviously really hurts my feelings, and definitely hurts my self esteem, but its what we've got. We're both determined to work through everything together, and we both want to work through this, but its just so fucking hard to stay positive. I want to just be myself and not worry about judgement, but its not gonna happen. I dont know if im trans or what I am. But I just want to be myself and that currently isn't happening. I dont know if i want to be a woman, but I want to feel more girly. I hate feeling like a man. I hate men. Men are gross and do horrible things and I just dont want to be associated with that. Masculinity disgusts me. And that's what my girlfriend is attracted to. I used to be much more masculine but I dont really want much of anything to do with it anymore.

I just want to be myself and not lose her.

I would imagine that a good majority of us have, but it seems a lot of people on here are pretty firm in what they are and can safely separate fashion from gender identity. I however have a bit of a hard time doing that. For just about a year ive been experimenting with the feminine things ive always had an interest in but never tried. I've had painted and long/shaped nails for about a year straight, my girlfriend does my makeup every once in a while and I absolutely love it, I shave everything below my nose (minus my arms, still trying to convince my girlfriend on that one), ive started getting into piercings which I used to be against, ive been growing my hair out, and I could go on and on. I am a lot happier this way, but I always keep coming back to one thing. I dont know if I'm just a guy who wants to look like a girl, or if I'm actually just a girl deep down.

I mean I like the idea of being a girl, men weird me out and most masculine things give me the ick. But I mean I'm not outwardly against being a guy. I just identify with femininity much more. I've always felt closer to a lesbian than a straight guy which I dont even know if that makes sense. My girlfriend would dump me in a heartbeat if I was trans, and I think mentally that's holding me back somewhat from exploring the idea fully unleashed in my mind. Shes supportive but has strange limits, like she wont let me buy/do my own makeup. But truthfully I'd be alright if I never took "girl chemicals" or changed my gender on my license, I literally just want to be smooth, have pretty nails, have long hair, wear the things I want to wear, wear makeup when I want to, and just be myself while feeling like myself, transitioning isn't really necessary for me. I guess I essentially just want to look like a girl.