u/Key-Boat-2550

The past weeks, I've been sulking every day leading to July 18th.

It's been near 4 years since I drove the person I once considered a best friend away. The first and only bond I considered real to me. Our relationship almost parasitic in its closeness, but not unhealthy in a typical manner. (We knew each other online. I was 15, mentally ill, and idolized him—as I had never had an older male figure to bond with before. He was 21 and average all-around, but slightly of a manchild. I'm sure that he knew I put him on a pedestal, though.)

On that day, 4 years ago, I plummeted due to constant stress from my school life. I broke down entirely and relapsed on my self-harming habits. I'd seldom vent at the time, but I did that day—in my channel. Under a spoiler. Not looking for more than to let it out.

I was met with nothing but an “I miss feeling proud of you” from him. He was already bored of me at the time, I could tell. It only got worse after this. We drifted apart slowly. It now feels like the last message where he saw me as human. I haven't been able to form a single meaningful bond since, and my mental health has only worsened with time. It doesn't help that his new best friend resembles the “me” before I dulled out. It's humiliating.

Even after all those years, I spend up to days dwelling on this friendship. I'm not good at making friends, nor do I desire to, for I know I'll never get this feeling back. I backread on his messages with his new best friend to remind myself of who I once was. I can't stop myself from sometimes attempting to reach out to a short or no reply at all. It's a constant reminder that I'll never feel alive again.

I feel pathetic to spiral over its anniversary and that such thing brings me mental anguish and sometimes even physical disgust. It should be just a message. It shouldn't feel like more than just a message. I wasn't harmed or anything. It feels even more idiotic to me when I consider that I've been through worse events (I've been held at gunpoint, for example,) but it is this one that haunts me. I just want to be able to be happy again.

The past weeks, I've been sulking every day leading to July 18th.

It's been near 4 years since I drove the person I once considered a best friend away. The first and only bond I considered real to me. Our relationship almost parasitic in its closeness, but not unhealthy in a typical manner. (We knew each other online. I was 15, mentally ill, and idolized him—as I had never had an older male figure to bond with before. He was 21 and average all-around, but slightly of a manchild. I'm sure that he knew I put him on a pedestal, though.)

On that day, 4 years ago, I plummeted due to constant stress from my school life. I broke down entirely and relapsed on my self-harming habits. I'd seldom vent at the time, but I did that day—in my channel. Under a spoiler. Not looking for more than to let it out.

I was met with nothing but an “I miss feeling proud of you” from him. He was already bored of me at the time, I could tell. It only got worse after this. We drifted apart slowly. It now feels like the last message where he saw me as human. I haven't been able to form a single meaningful bond since, and my mental health has only worsened with time. It doesn't help that his new best friend resembles the “me” before I dulled out. It's humiliating.

I feel pathetic to spiral over its anniversary and that such thing brings me mental anguish and sometimes even physical disgust. It should be just a message. It shouldn't feel like more than just a message. I wasn't harmed or anything. It feels even more idiotic to me when I consider that I've been through worse events (like being held at gunpoint) but it is this one that haunts me. I just want to be able to be happy again.

It's been near 5 years since the person I once considered a best friend replaced me. My first real and strongest bond. Truthfully, it was a relationship almost parasitic in its closeness, but not unhealthy in a typical manner. (I was 14, mentally ill, and idolized him. He was 20 and average all-around.)

As schizoid personality disorder began hollowing me out, I became more difficult. Duller. Less rewarding. I was later ignored and replaced with a person who resembled the “me” before illness. It felt humiliating. Even after all those years, I haven't been able to feel anything towards any other possible bond and spend up to days dwelling on this one. I'm not good at making friends, nor do I desire to, for I know I'll never get this feeling back. I backread on his messages with his new best friend to remind myself of who I once was. I can't stop myself from sometimes attempting to reach out to a short or no reply at all. It's a constant reminder that I'll never be human again.