u/KeyResponsibility632

This is going to be long, but I genuinely need outside perspectives because I’m too emotionally involved to think straight.
I’m 31M. My ex is 27F. We were together for almost 4 years and had what I would honestly call a very loving relationship.

Now before I say anything else, I need to own my mistakes because they’re the reason we broke up.
About 1 year into the relationship, I cheated while I was in Thailand. She found out, we broke up briefly, but she forgave me and gave me another chance.
I also had problems with alcohol, cigarettes and weed. I kept relapsing and lying to her about it. Eventually she found out and this happened just a couple of weeks before one of her biggest exams. She ended the relationship and said she couldn’t trust me anymore.
Looking back, I don’t think the breakup was because of the substances. It was because I had broken her trust twice.
That breakup absolutely destroyed me.

I got sober immediately and have now been sober for almost a year. No alcohol, no smoking, no weed. I’ve genuinely changed my life around. I started therapy, built healthier habits and I’m even building a sobriety app because of my own recovery journey.
For around 4 months after the breakup we barely spoke.

Then one day she reached out.
She said she missed talking to me and wanted me back in her life.
From there things slowly became very confusing.
We started meeting regularly.
We’d go for dinners.
I’d visit her at the hospital because she’s doing her surgery residency.
She’d ask me to stay over at her hostel.
We became physically intimate multiple times.
She’d cuddle me, sleep in my arms, introduce me to her co-residents and even invited me to social plans with her friends.
One New Year’s while I was cooking for everyone because they were drunk, she hugged me from behind and said “you’re such husband material.”
She’d joke about me getting jealous of male co-residents.
When one of her seniors called me handsome she came and told me about it herself.
She once even said she didn’t want to repeat what happened after Thailand by rushing back into a relationship again.
At another point she told me she thought there was a very small chance we’d eventually work out because she didn’t think I’d still be single by the time she figured herself out.
So naturally I believed we were slowly rebuilding.

But at the same time she kept saying she didn’t know what she wanted.
Then I accidentally discovered she had created a Hinge profile.
That completely broke me.
The thing is, she never hid that she wasn’t ready for commitment. She never promised we’d get back together.
But emotionally it felt like we were behaving like boyfriend and girlfriend while she was still keeping herself open to other possibilities.
I slowly became exhausted.
I realised I was giving boyfriend and husband level effort while living with constant uncertainty.
Looking back, I also became obsessive.

Eventually I reached my limit.
About 3 weeks ago I sent her a calm message saying I couldn’t continue being the in-between person while she kept her options open. I told her I cared about her deeply but I had to step away because the ambiguity was destroying my peace.
She replied with something along the lines of “That’s fair.”
Neither of us fought.
Neither of us blocked each other.
We’ve simply had no contact since then.
Here’s where I’m struggling.
Part of me feels I absolutely did the right thing.
Another part of me feels like I walked away from someone who genuinely loved me but just couldn’t rebuild trust yet because of what I had done.
I don’t think she’s a bad person.
I also don’t think I was crazy for believing reconciliation was possible because her actions genuinely gave me hope.
At the same time, I couldn’t keep living in that uncertainty forever.

So I guess my questions are:

Did I make the right decision by stepping away?
Does her behaviour sound like someone who genuinely still had feelings but wasn’t ready to recommit, or does it sound more like she was keeping me around for comfort?
If you were in my shoes, would you leave the door open if she reached out months from now, or would you consider this chapter closed?

P.S - I was her first boyfriend. First everything. :)

I’ve posted my milestones here. This is the part I left out of them.

I quit and relapsed for years, but somewhere along the way the relapse stopped being the worst of it. The worst was what I did to hide it. I got good at lying — cologne in the car, “I’m just tired,” brushing my teeth before I came inside, a whole quiet choreography I ran every day without thinking about it anymore. I lied to my parents, my friends, and eventually to the person I was going to marry. To her face. For months.

She didn’t leave because I smoked. She left because she found out how long, and how easily, I’d been lying about it. And I understand now why that was the thing she couldn’t come back from. You can forgive someone for struggling. It’s a lot harder to forgive someone for looking you in the eye and making you doubt your own read on what was real. The engagement ended. She was right to end it.

That was my actual bottom — not a relapse, but realizing the drug hadn’t just taken my time and money and health. It had quietly turned me into a liar. Someone I didn’t recognize. I never saw the real cost of getting high until it was the person I loved standing on the other side of it.

11 months now. The thing I’m rebuilding isn’t a streak — it’s being someone whose word means something again, to other people and to myself. That repair is the slow one.

If any of this sounds familiar — the hiding, the small lies that get easy — you already know. That’s the part I pretended wasn’t happening the longest. Now although I’m fully sober, she won’t trust me again. I still hope that she realises my change is for real this time around and gives me a chance.

Hit 11 months today without alcohol, cigarettes and weed. First time I've ever made it this far.

Almost didn't post, because there's nothing dramatic left to say — and honestly that might be the update. The early months had those wins you could point at. Now it's just my life, and weed isn't in it, and sitting with that turned out to be harder than the cravings ever were.

What got better: sleep finally came back (the dreams were wild and relentless for a while — (if you're in your first weeks, that part does settle down). The fog lifted; I can actually hold a thought now. And the money/lungs/mornings stuff everyone mentions — it's real.

What didn't: I still get the urge, mostly when — bored, certain evenings, after a bad day. It's quieter, but it never fully left, and I've stopped waiting for it to. Evenings were the hardest thing to rebuild — that used to be the whole ritual, and figuring out what fills that space is still an ongoing practice.

Anyway. 11 months. Just wanted to say it somewhere people actually get it.

11 months today.

The strange part isn’t the number — it’s that I almost missed it. A year ago I could’ve told you the exact day count, down to the hours till the next one. This morning I had to do the math twice.

Here’s what helped me come this far - Running! I started running to quit drinking & smoking. And I have completed 3 half marathons on the last 1 year. Life is so much better.

Not a transformation story. Just quieter. I’ll take quieter.

11 months without smoking today. Longest I’ve ever gone!

Almost didn’t post — there’s nothing dramatic left to report, which honestly might be the update. The first weeks were all white-knuckle and counting hours.

Now it’s just… not part of my day anymore, and getting to that quiet took longer than I expected.
What got better: my sleep came back, my mornings don’t start with a cough, and my head feels clearer than it has in years.

The breathing thing is real too — stairs, working out, all of it easier. And the mental load of always needing the next one is gone. I didn’t realize how much room that was taking up until it wasn’t.

What didn’t: I still get the urge sometimes — mostly when I go out on trips or when I have to attend parties out of obligation. It’s way quieter than it was, but it never fully disappeared, and I’ve stopped waiting for it to.

Anyway — 11 months. Just wanted to put it somewhere that understands.

Hit 11 months today. First time I've ever made it this far.

Almost didn't post, because there's nothing dramatic left to say — and honestly that might be the update. The early months had those wins you could point at. Now it's just my life, and weed isn't in it, and sitting with that turned out to be harder than the cravings ever were.

What got better: sleep finally came back (the dreams were wild and relentless for a while — (if you're in your first weeks, that part does settle down). The fog lifted; I can actually hold a thought now. And the money/lungs/mornings stuff everyone mentions — it's real.

What didn't: I still get the urge, mostly when — bored, certain evenings, after a bad day. It's quieter, but it never fully left, and I've stopped waiting for it to. Evenings were the hardest thing to rebuild — that used to be the whole ritual, and figuring out what fills that space is still an ongoing practice.

Anyway. 11 months. Just wanted to say it somewhere people actually get it.