50/50 joint legal/physical custody. Other parent is saying they don’t consent to me taking our 10 year old out of school for a dentist appointment. There’s nothing I can see in our agreement or in the law that addresses this.
I (43M) am dating a self described avoidant (37F), we’ve been dating for about 8 months now. She’s done a lot of work in the past with her attachment issues, as have I (I’m anxious/insecure). Overall, everything is going very very well. I really love this woman and she loves me. But there’s a big thing that’s not sitting right with me. She’s an outdoor adventurer, her biggest hobby is rock climbing, and she seems to have this insatiable need to constantly meet and make new friends in this hobby (even though she already has literally hundreds). Since we’ve met, she’s made a lot of new friends, and a few of them have been men who are pretty obviously attracted to her. So she meets these men and then plans little climbing outings with them. I just don’t get it. It’s not that I don’t trust her or I feel like she’s gonna cheat, but the vibe I get is that this is a way for her to get validation from other men and possibly keep her options open if things don’t work out with me. These men don’t bring anything new to the table (other than new people to climb with). So why not just do things with any one of the 100’s of friends you already have?? The worst part is that I know if I set a boundary around this, it would be the end of our relationship. She would choose the freedom to make these new connections over our relationship. I know this deep down in my heart and I’m really struggling with it. I’m having a hard time figuring out if this is my insecure/anxious issues coming up, or if I’m just reacting to a problem that really is her issue to fix.
I listened to a playlist on Spotify called “sonic youth but just Kim Gordon songs”. I was driving from Casper Wyoming to Ten Sleep Wyoming, beautiful drive, the playlist was the perfect length of time to get me to my destination. I had also accidentally ingested 50 mg of THC edibles, which my girlfriend had hidden in a bag of trail mix for our flight over from LA. I don’t know if it was the THC, or the beautiful scenery, but it finally clicked and now I can’t get enough
My love, the idea of a future with you brings me so much joy, happiness, and anticipation about how amazing that WILL be. I’ve never felt so passionate about a future with anyone. I truly believe destiny brought us together and that you are my person. I can see how much you love me and want this to work, and it feels amazing. You have said and done so many things that make me feel hopeful, and you continue to choose our relationship. That should be enough for me. I don’t want to keep focusing on my fears, and I know you don’t want me to either. I’ve tried so hard not to. But there are also so many things you’ve said (and things I can see) that make me feel so scared. I can’t deny or be dishonest about the fact that I really struggle with this feeling, that because you love me so much, you’re forcing yourself to consider a life with me that ultimately is not for you. I’m working hard in therapy to move past it but it’s still there. Something really shifted on the weekend you had your guide courses in Joshua Tree. When you came back it seemed like you had gained clarity about what will work and what won’t. I felt that shift instinctively as well while you were gone and before we even talked. The unrealistic fantasy was over. That was the hardest day I’ve had with you, but it also felt like the most honest. I do believe destiny brought us together, and I know I would be willing to endure ANYTHING to make our relationship work. I could find peace, joy, and happiness in whatever that looks like. But it seems like life with me will bring you so much internal conflict. Every long term option we have, even the most practical one, feels forced and not the kind of life you truly want and need. I love the idea that I’m worth that much to you, that you would make sacrifices and wait 10 years for us to experience the kind of life you want. And I want to hold onto that SO badly. But it does feel wrong/selfish on my part, and it feels like my willingness to make ANY scenario work will put pressure on you to continue to try. Overall, it just feels like I’m holding you back. My therapist asked me very directly: “If she got a job that allowed her to work remote internationally, would you want her to choose you over that opportunity?”. My answer was, and still is no. I would not. We both know you couldn’t miss out on that opportunity, and I wouldn’t want that for you. And because you can’t do long distance, that would probably be the end of us. I don’t want this to end, I want to enjoy every moment I can with you and hold onto this hope that you can be happy enough with me for this to work forever in any scenario (even long distance). But this pit in my stomach, this feeling that I’m holding you back, that I’m going to lose you eventually, it isn’t going to go away anytime soon. I have to be honest with you about that and let you decide if that’s something you could continue to navigate with me or not. It keeps coming up for me and I don’t know how to stop it. I’m scared you’re already losing patience with me and that I’m already pushing you away each time it comes up. It’s making me feel jealousy over certain men you’ve connected with, just because they have vans, a nomad lifestyle, and are better at climbing than me. Which I know seems fucking ridiculous, but there’s also an element of truth behind it and everyone I’ve spoken to about that empathizes with me. We both know your life could very easily include a partner who could be there to live your dreams and passions right alongside you, just like the couple we met climbing in Ten Sleep. Those “silly” things that make me jealous are actually big lifestyle compatibilities that I know would mean a lot to you, no matter how much you avoid or downplay that truth. I want so badly for these feelings to stop but they’re not and it’s because I know my life is not your ideal. Watching you in your element so far this summer has been such a joy. It’s not hard to see what you live for. What brings you more joy, passion, and peace than anything else can. I want that for you always. In my best moments, I feel so happy and proud of you, and in my worst I want you to come back, settle down and just choose a less mobile life with me and the kids (like Rachel and Cyn have chosen for their partners). But you’re not like them, and it feels wrong for me to want you to be. You deserve better. You deserve someone who not only wants the same things, but can realistically live and experience them with you. You deserve someone who will be excited for you if you get a job that lets you work remote outside the US. Not someone who is scared of that possibility.
Am I wrong for having these thoughts? Am I just thinking too much and being insecure? I WANT SO BADLY TO BE WRONG. I want to be able to blame this all on my anxious attachment issues. I want you to reassure me and tell me, like you always have, not to worry. That we can make this work and it will be great. My heart wants to continue loving you in every way I possibly I can, for as long as I possibly can, but my gut keeps telling me I’m holding you back. That we are inevitably gonna end up in a long distance relationship that’s not going to work for you. And this fear is not allowing me to show up as the best version of myself for you.
I know you’ve thought about all of these things a lot, and through all of your contemplation you’ve still chosen me. But I also wonder if your love for me is causing you to avoid some deeper inevitable truths. I think the main reason I’m sharing this with you, is because I want to be sure that both of us are confronting these truths and fears head on. I want to make sure you’re not avoiding them. If these are things you’re avoiding, that’s something that could really hurt me later on. I don’t want you tell me what you think I want to hear. I need you to be honest with me and yourself. I LOVE YOU. With all my heart. I am all in for our next phase to start (whatever it looks like).