Life is so cooked rn plz lmk what it says
Three aspects are pretty fucked of my life lowkey
- family wise, I just have my parents and they’re lowkey suffocating me in their anxiety and only instill fear. They always imply that I’m incapable and everytime something goes wrong even in the slightest of ways I get punished so harshly to standards they don’t even hold themsleves to. It used to result in physical abuse as well which is not the case anymore. But I can’t stand this regardless. They assume it’s normal for our culture but as an only child taking all the heat all the time with zero grace or affection or praise has made me miserable in my life and I’m just tired because they do nice things like pay for me and idk other things but I’m not stupid as to what they refuse to change in themselves that actually harms me which is viewed as “normal”. I feel like I’m calling out something trivial and they literally have deemed me clinically crazy for demanding accountability from them which I am very overall burnt out of and they are with me too.
- career wise, I js got dismissed from uni for bad grades bc of mental health and this overall factor that my career and almost everything I do feels like an offering to my parents. In a way I’m happy I was released so that when I reappeal it would be because I want the degree and not because my parents tell me that shouldn’t even be a question because “that’s how it is” so I’m using this as a semester to ground myself and maybe get freedom from my family idk tho that’s scary to me. I’m still couch hopping or staying with them rn. I’ve always had a paralyzing fear of school and my family issues and pressures never made it better. It’s taking a toll on me now knowing that my mental health issues affected my career too which never felt like mine. I’m a rising sophomore in college so I guess the only real way to freedom is to find myself which I’m scared to do but might be necessary but then again I don’t know. I feel a disgusting comfort in this misery and just pathetic about myself overall.
- love life wise, I’ve always had long term one sided crushes since literally kindergarten that I’d get over eventually by myself mostly it would take a year or two.and I would learn about myself thru each one and get better and better. But this one dude, we are at a distance physically so I feel like the distance is what makes me doubt it because I don’t want to be delusional and I’d rather fade it entirely tbh but we also like it’s just different. I haven’t been able to shake him off for a long time and I feel stupid for it and Im not in the place for anything, he definitely is far from being in a place for anything I’d want too but I mean idk is any of this ever logical? His moon is my mars and my mars is his moon, maybe that’s a reason too but I want to get over this as well but it felt too significant to ignore I just feel stupid holding on to it and have tried it all to get over him. It’s just very resonant and I mean we have a lot of people in common, but I sound really dumb and deluded, I feel like he processed the interaction more significantly too. But it was all in what was unsaid and I’m just getting fucked by life left and right rn so I just want to know if its wraps.
Yeah sorry for the vent shit has def hit the fan recently. I was hoping maybe I could like see how this all works out or like idk know more about myself in general thank you :)