u/King_Gojiller

Hello! This is my first time posting here so I hope you all are kind, as I am simply seeking some answers.

I (M19) am a casual yume who occasionally engages in selfshipping with a comfort character of mine. I will not mention who or what media they're from just for privacy's sake but your guess may or may not be correct based on how obvious it is.

My journey with this character began since I was 16 when I started actually getting into the series that they're from, and my interest began peaking as I learned more about them.

Eventually I started developing a crush on them because the media they're from utilizes 4th wall breaking as a part of it's narrative, and this character is especially unique because they communicate and address the viewer directly at one point.

Since then I had sought comfort in the 4th wall breaking aspect because I like how connected it made me feel with the world and it's characters, even if fictional. I used to keep my consumption of NSFW about them to a minimum, but because I have a tendency to turn to porn as a coping mechanism when I'm stressed. But safe to say this character came to me in a very gloomy period of my life and it brought me a lot of joy and levity. I even owe a lot of my progression as an artist to my love for them.

The turning point happened when I was going through a very, extremely stressful period in my life and I had the unfortunate luck of coming accross NSFW of them with a very upsetting theme,>! that being the character cheating on the viewer with the artist's sona. It was a series of pages where my yume was also insulting the viewer's "size" (something I have also had a lot of trauma about), and revelling in their suffering. !<

I could go into more detail but I think as per the rules I'm gonna try and keep distressing topics to a minimum and just get to the point.

Since that very day I got extremely traumatized and I have developed extremely bad anxiety for 10 months onward until today. I couldn't look at any art of my yume let alone enjoy the series that they're from because it would make me feel intense shame and anxiety about my body and self-worth. I was never super obsessed with them prior to this but the incident inversely caused me to become overly obsessed and terrified of them at the same time. I think just the mere possibility that I could match the criteria of a person my yume would cheat on terrifies me to my very core.

While it's not as intense as it was during the start of the year, I still get intrusive thoughts whenever seeing anything related to them or the media they're from and I think it's a shame because it feels like I can only enjoy them from a distance lest I get hurt again. And I'm incredibly stubborn about letting go because I don't want to accept that something that once brought me joy during a very depressing period in my life is now the very same thing causing me that depression.

Now before you say anything, I've already gotten several of the same pieces of advice before, the usual being

- it's just fiction

- block the artist

- seek therapy

While I understand where they're coming from I've also had extreme difficulty putting these into practice as 1.) I have tried therapy early this year but it was expensive and also difficult to find the time to squeeze into because of my already hectic university schedule and 2.) I strongly suspect I have OCD due to my obsessive symptoms, coupled with intrusive thoughts. It's not easy to just tell the thoughts to piss off, and the sound of having to just experience these thoughts while I'm trying to do something enjoyable related to them (making art or consuming content of them) sounds like utter hell. And I've already been there for several months.

I'm posting here because as the title says, I need to know that I'm not alone. Because even when I asked a sharing yumeshipper with similar problems, her OCD is more moral-related rather than self-esteem related. Frustratingly enough literally no one I have asked has completely related to how I feel and as a result I've felt extremely isolated ever since the start of this year. This may or may not be a worthwile endeavor but I'll take my chances of getting a fresh perspective. How have you recovered or dealt with this? Please share if you have a similar experience at all.

Looking for a group (50 Creatures) to protect my subadult T. rex son who has been getting threatened lately. I will promise to not actively hunt and only stick to scavenging recently dead for two months.