u/LastCryptographer173

M30 5'10" 270 -> 170

I lost 100 lbs and I've been trying to get out of the 170s for over a year now.

I workout every day. I eat 1200 calories a day, going up to 2000 every Sunday. I measure what I eat. I always check the calories. I don't drink anything with calories. I do cheat meals, but not cheat days, and only on major holidays or anniversaries. I still cannot lose weight.

I have talked to doctors and dieticians and they just shrug and say, "Sometimes our bodies have weights that they want to plateau at" and that's about it. Every time I ask for advice online, some smug idiot says that I'm not actually at a deficit. How low am I supposed to go? 1000 calories? 500?

I cannot eat less than I am eating now. I am constantly weak. I am constantly exhausted. If I stand up too quickly, I pass out. My hands shake.

But it's not like underweight or anything. I'm a normal-ish weight. I don't even look like I'm in shape. I have some abdominal definition, but I also still have love handles.

I feel like I'm going insane. I had to call off work because I can't take it anymore. I've been screaming and punching holes in my walls

I ran into my LO for the first time in six months. She was very friendly and even complimented me on my appearance. We were talking like no time had passed, she kept referencing stuff from when we were close. I asked how her boyfriend was doing and she said they'd broken up after being together for four years.

I don't know how I feel about it. There was a time where I was hanging on her every word. I expected myself to get excited at the prospect of her being single even though I'm in a three year relationship myself. I did, but I didn't, too? Like, I don't feel the same intense pull I did before but I do definitely have a certain amount of "What if?" thinking that I can't quite shake. And a fear of missing out.

But I also felt a certain amount of vindication. I've always had self esteem issues tied up in my limerence. Knowing that my own relationship is doing better and that I'm doing better than her in certain areas, made me feel like I won, for lack of a better word. Like, maybe my beliefs in her innate superiority and my inadequacy aren't based in reality. It also made me happy to know that she broke up with her bf and not the other way around, cause I fucking hated that guy. Hated unjustifiably, but hated all the same.

So I'm just kind of perplexed about how I feel. We work at the same place (she's full time and I'm part time) and our departments are merging, so we might end up running into each other again.