Started dating a divorced guy who has a VERY unusual relationship with his ex-wife and her new husband. Am I the only one who finds this bizarre?
I recently started dating a divorced man, and the more I learn about his previous marriage and his current relationship with his ex-wife, the more confused I become.
I’m genuinely curious whether other people would consider this a healthy, mature post-divorce friendship or whether there are some serious boundary issues here.
For context, they were married for approximately ten years and have no children together.
Here’s the backstory, as he’s explained it to me.
The marriage and divorce:
Toward the end of their marriage, his wife apparently proposed opening the relationship and becoming polyamorous.
He started going to therapy around the time she proposed this arrangement.
They ultimately divorced, and she ended up marrying someone who had previously been one of his best friends.
Yes, you read that correctly. His ex-wife is now married to his former best friend.
You would think that might create some distance between everyone involved, but apparently not.
The current arrangement:
Despite being divorced for approximately two years, they remain extraordinarily involved in each other’s lives:
● He has dinner with his ex-wife and her new husband every single Sunday.
● He regularly housesits for them.
● He continues to help his ex-wife with practical matters, including things involving her vehicle.
● He has told me that if his ex-wife called needing something while he was spending time with me, he would go help her.
● He remains closely connected to her family.
● He told me that her parents absolutely love him, while also making a rather contemptuous comment suggesting there was a reason her own family disliked her.
● He has shared surprisingly intimate details about his ex-wife’s body with me, which I found unnecessary and inappropriate.
He also invited me over to her house while he was housesitting, seemingly with the expectation that we could have sex there. I declined.
Here’s where I start getting uncomfortable.
I have absolutely no problem with people maintaining amicable relationships with former spouses. In fact, I generally consider it a green flag when someone can speak respectfully about an ex and end a relationship without unnecessary hostility.
But this seems like something beyond friendship.
He appears to have retained a substantial portion of the routines, obligations, and emotional availability associated with being married to her, despite the fact that she’s now married to someone else.
When I expressed discomfort about where a New Romantic partner would fit into this arrangement, I didn’t feel that he understood why I might have concerns.
It almost seemed as though the existing arrangement was nonnegotiable and anyone entering his life would simply have to accommodate it.
What do yall think?
EDIT: to add, there was never a period of no contact after divorcing. She doesn’t seem comfortable around him and all communication goes through the new guy, whom my boyfriend doesn’t even LIKE