u/LiquidSoCrates

It’s an experience, lemme tell ya.

Now is the time to drop very subtle hints about what you expect to receive this holiday season. Drop these hints into casual conversation. Maybe you tell them in September your Dutch Oven could use an update. Maybe let them know in May you need a new iPad but are too busy to go get one. When asked what you specifically want for Christmas, tell them you don’t want anything at all. Be sure to get irritated when asked twice. You’ve already dropped the required hints; it’s up to them to figure out what you truly expect. If they fail to understand your hints, go ahead and get furious and ruin the entire holiday. They’re just stupid, inattentive fools who don’t pay attention.

My buddy just got busted for the wacky tobaccy by his German shepherd, Rufus. Turns out Rufus was not the bestest boy. Naw bro, Rufus was the fucking Heat! Old doggo was working for the Jakes since he was a puppy. You gotta be careful of these pit bulls too. They’ll set you up.

I go with Thai Hot.

Let’s be clear; I never want the summer to end. I want to live a life of endless summer. Anything below 78 degrees is TOO COLD. And don’t talk to me about Halloween weather. Anything between 77-81 is PLENTY cold enough for Halloween. I’m seriously considering moving to the equator. I want the equator running across my ass, that’s how dedicated I am to warm weather.

Why drink milk made for cows when there is actually such a thing as human milk? Seems like the milk made by humans would actually be better for humans. I dunno. Don’t get all weird and creepy. That’s not what this is.

Let’s say you encounter a former classmate 30 years after graduation. Just kinda act like you have no idea who this person is but still be really friendly. No stories or reminiscing. Your former classmate will think you went all Hollywood on them or an imposter took over your identity. Just keep the mystery going, ya know.

Listen, Halloween is just around the corner and you ain’t ready. You might turn into a wolf and pee on your favorite fire hydrant. You don’t know.

All you need to do is add different numbers to your tracking number. Then you can see the status of packages belonging to complete strangers. Some call it an invasion of privacy, but it’s really just about knowing the business of strangers.

I’m not talking about those shitty cabins the pioneers had. I’m talking about something a doctor would buy.

A lot of you young people won’t remember, but flatulence used to be a very popular tool for managers in management. Let’s say a subordinate does something great. After praising this employee, good managers would let out a juicy fart and say something like “There’s a little flavor for the egghead now get your ass back to work” or “Ladies, next ones coming your way”. Doing this builds character and lets the employees know YOU are the strongest and best person in the room. Good managers would go to their filthy subordinate’s wedding and fart loudly during the vows. You used to be able to do that as a manager or in some cases even a team leader. AI will never fart on a subordinate’s lunch and call them the F word.

A spider is like a gram of bug guts and you’re 300 pounds of blubber. What is the problem?

Of course you aren’t! Humans are up to three million times bigger than most spiders. It would be like the moon being terrified of a collie. It’s absurd.

Yo, it’s two $20’s in my hand or I flush this right down.

I’m gonna be drinking PABST BLUE RIBBON and listening to Depeche Mode’s amazing album Violator. I know, technically it was released in the 90’s but the early 90’s still felt like the 80’s. Then Nirvana came out and everything changed. At least that’s what the TikTok will tell you. Everyone my senior year was hyped on the Use Your Illusion albums from GnR. Probably gonna listen to those albums too. I was never a big Nirvana guy, but Nirvana and From the Muddy Banks of the Wishka are both great albums. The weather is still too hot for Nirvana. Gotta be closer to Halloween for those songs to really HIT the way Kurt would have wanted. I might rock in down to Electric Avenue

The Bandit and Panama. So lucky my parents splurged for premium cable.

Not gonna lie i do feel like the goodest boy.