u/Logical_Stress_3471

idk random emotion overwhelmed vairakoxa, i hope everyone learns to love themselves first. No one understands your sacrifices except you. from now on , i'll love myself first and then i'll love you guys.

This is about4 months ago. I had a breakup, and I still can't move on.

What happened was that my grandfather passed away in the hospital while I was out of the valley for training. My girlfriend was attending the same training. I couldn't return home immediately for the funeral, and I became extremely sad and emotionally unstable. I cried a lot because every childhood memory and my grandfather's voice kept running through my mind. I had told him in the hospital that I would bring him back home if he got well soon, but instead, I received the news that he had passed away. I couldn't control my emotions and cried uncontrollably.

The day after that, we returned home by plane. I'm very afraid of turbulence, and when the turbulence started, I became terrified. The plane began making a U-turn, and my girlfriend asked, "Is this plane taking a U-turn?" I replied, "Don't say that." My tone came across a little harsh because I was scared and emotionally overwhelmed, not because I was angry with her. I immediately apologized and tried to explain that I wasn't yelling at her—I was just frightened, emotionally exhausted, and my mind wasn't in the right place.

When we got home, she went to her house, and I went to mine. There were funeral rituals taking place at my home. After everything, I messaged her, but she was still angry and replied with dry texts. That made me even sadder because I couldn't understand why she was treating me that way when I was already going through one of the hardest times of my life.

A couple of days later, she still wasn't talking to me normally. I apologized again and begged her to understand. I told her that I was struggling with the loss of my grandfather and everything that came with it. But she said that I hadn't come to see her or comfort her when she was sad and angry. She said I hadn't put in any effort to make her feel better. The thing that hurt me the most was when she said I was "taking advantage of my grandfather's death" as an excuse not to comfort her or come to meet her.

Those words hit me hard. I never expected to hear something like that from the person I loved. I still don't understand how someone could think that I was taking advantage of losing my grandfather when I was genuinely grieving and trying to cope with one of the most painful losses of my life.
After the rituals at home were completed two days later, I planned to go back to work. As I usually did, I went to pick up my girlfriend from her house so we could go to the office together. She was still upset with me, and I was also feeling hurt because of the words she had used against me earlier. Even so, I put my ego aside and messaged her, saying, "maya, I'll be there at 7:30. get ready."

I went to her house, reached roadside of her house , and called her. At first, she didn't answer. I kept calling continuously until she finally picked up. She told me that she had already left on a public bus and then immediately hung up. I still thought she might just be saying that and was actually still at home, so I tried calling again. This time she didn't answer at all and eventually switched off her phone.

I then called her mother, who told me that she had indeed already left the house. At that moment, I felt completely shattered. I had gone there with no ego, forgetting everything she had said to me because I simply wanted to pick her up and be with her. But the way she treated me broke me completely.

I couldn't stop myself from crying. I was wearing my helmet, so thankfully no one could see my tears. I cried on the roadside for nearly two hours while sitting on my bike. My eyes became swollen and red. I couldn't imagine going to the office looking like that.

I decided not to go to work that day and called my boss. I told him that I wasn't feeling well and wouldn't be able to come. Instead of understanding, he became angry. He asked why I was informing him so late, reminded me that my tasks were overdue, and asked when I planned to finish them. At that point, I was already emotionally exhausted because of my grandfather's death, my relationship problems, and everything happening around me. I wasn't in a mental state where I could think clearly.

I also informed him that I would need leave on the 9th and 12th day rituals according to our family traditions. He responded by saying things like, "How can the organisation run if you keep taking so much leave?" He criticised me and eventually said that if I couldn't work, I shouldn't come back at all.

I wasn't in the right mental state to handle those words. I was already overwhelmed with grief and frustration. In our culture, these rituals are an important responsibility, but my boss dismissed them without any understanding. He simply told me not to come from that day onward. I replied, "Okay."

At that moment, everything felt unreal. It felt like my entire life was falling apart within minutes. I had already lost my grandfather, my relationship was collapsing, and now I had lost my job too.

Later, my boss informed everyone in the office that I had quit. My girlfriend eventually found out and called me. I couldn't bring myself to answer because I was completely broken. When we finally spoke later, instead of trying to comfort me or understand what I had been going through, she told me that it seemed easier for me to quit my job than to make things right with her.(malai fakauna vanda sajilo job xodna lagyo haina)which still pinch my heart   

She never seemed to understand the emotional situation I was in or the circumstances that led to me leaving my job. Instead, all the blame was placed on me.

After that, she never reached out again. She never sent me a message or checked on me. I even became physically ill, but I kept hoping she would somehow come to see me. My mother also tried calling her several times, but she never answered.

That hurt me deeply because, in reality, everything had started from something so small—I had simply spoken in an off tone while I was emotionally overwhelmed.

According to our culture, after a death in the family, we are not supposed to visit other people's homes until the 45-day mourning period is over because we are considered to be in mourning ("jutho"). So didn't go to her house during those 45 days.

As soon as the 45th-day ritual was completed, I went to her house. I rang the doorbell, and she opened the door. The moment I saw her, I became very emotional. I told her how much I had missed her and how desperately I had wanted to talk to her.

But there was no emotion on her face. She spoke to me with anger and asked why I had come after abandoning her for so many days.

What hurt even more was that I had never actually abandoned her. During those 45 days, I had tried to reach her in every possible way. I messaged her through different social media accounts, sent SMS messages, and looked for any way to contact her. But she had blocked me everywhere.

She never sent me even a single message.

I begged her to give our relationship another chance. I even got down on my knees and begged her not to leave me. But nothing changed. She simply kept telling me to leave.

So I left.

As I rode away on my bike that day, I felt like my world had ended. I couldn't even cry properly anymore because I was emotionally numb. I was riding recklessly, thinking that maybe it would be better if I died. I was speeding so much that I didn't even care what happened to me.

But nothing happened.

I survived.

Now it has been about four months since we last spoke.

Sometimes I wonder if she misses me the way I miss her. Maybe she's lonely too. Maybe she still needs me but is just too angry to admit it. Then another part of me tells me that she doesn't need me anymore and that she simply doesn't care.

Because of that uncertainty, I created a fake Instagram account just to look at her profile from time to time. Whenever I see that she has posted something, I strangely feel relieved because it tells me that she's okay. More than anything, I just don't want anything bad to happen to her because of everything that happened between us.