u/Longjumping_Doubt_71

I’m 27F and my boyfriend is 37M. We’ve been together almost a year, and the relationship is serious. Recently my mom was visiting, and we spent the weekend at my boyfriend’s mother’s house.

During the visit, his mom took my mom on a walk and asked whether I would be ready to marry my boyfriend in about two years, once I’m done with my PhD, because he is ready to settle down. My mom told her that I care about him a lot and want a family one day, but that it’s too early to make that kind of promise. She said we should live together first and see how that goes, and that after my PhD I would also need to find a job before getting pregnant.

His mom also asked my mom about medication she had seen on my nightstand. I take it for anxiety/presentations/public speaking. She asked how long I had been taking it and whether I would stop taking it soon.

Later, the conversation became tense between our moms in front of us. My boyfriend did step in and defended me. He also told me afterward that he plans to talk to his mom about boundaries and what topics are appropriate to discuss.
I’m glad he defended me, and I don’t blame him for what happened. I’m mainly trying to figure out what a reasonable boundary-setting conversation should look like now. I don’t want my timeline for marriage/kids, career plans, or medication discussed between parents as if those decisions are up for family negotiation.

For people who have dealt with a parent or future in-law getting involved in private relationship topics, what boundaries helped? What should my boyfriend say to his mom? Should I say anything directly, or should this come from him?

TL;DR: My boyfriend’s mom asked my mom about our marriage/kids timeline and my medication, and the conversation became tense. My boyfriend defended me and says he’ll set boundaries. What should those boundaries look like?

I’m 27F and my boyfriend is 37M. We’ve been together almost a year, and the relationship is serious. Recently my mom was visiting, and we spent the weekend at my boyfriend’s mother’s house.

During the visit, his mom took my mom on a walk and asked whether I would be ready to marry my boyfriend in about two years, once I’m done with my PhD, because he is ready to settle down. My mom told her that I care about him a lot and want a family one day, but that it’s too early to make that kind of promise. She said we should live together first and see how that goes, and that after my PhD I would also need to find a job before getting pregnant.

His mom also asked my mom about medication she had seen on my nightstand. I take it for anxiety/presentations/public speaking. She asked how long I had been taking it and whether I would stop taking it soon.

Later, the conversation became tense between our moms in front of us. My boyfriend did step in and defended me. He also told me afterward that he plans to talk to his mom about boundaries and what topics are appropriate to discuss.
I’m glad he defended me, and I don’t blame him for what happened. I’m mainly trying to figure out what a reasonable boundary-setting conversation should look like now. I don’t want my timeline for marriage/kids, career plans, or medication discussed between parents as if those decisions are up for family negotiation.

For people who have dealt with a parent or future in-law getting involved in private relationship topics, what boundaries helped? What should my boyfriend say to his mom? Should I say anything directly, or should this come from him?

TL;DR: My boyfriend’s mom asked my mom about our marriage/kids timeline and my medication, and the conversation became tense. My boyfriend defended me and says he’ll set boundaries. What should those boundaries look like?

I’m 27F and my boyfriend is 37M. We’ve been together almost a year, and the relationship is serious. Recently my mom was visiting, and we spent the weekend at my boyfriend’s mother’s house.

During the visit, his mom took my mom on a walk and asked whether I would be ready to marry my boyfriend in about two years, once I’m done with my PhD, because he is ready to settle down. My mom told her that I care about him a lot and want a family one day, but that it’s too early to make that kind of promise. She said we should live together first and see how that goes, and that after my PhD I would also need to find a job before getting pregnant.

His mom also asked my mom about medication she had seen on my nightstand. I take it for anxiety/presentations/public speaking. She asked how long I had been taking it and whether I would stop taking it soon.

Later, the conversation became tense between our moms in front of us. My boyfriend did step in and defended me. He also told me afterward that he plans to talk to his mom about boundaries and what topics are appropriate to discuss.
I’m glad he defended me, and I don’t blame him for what happened. I’m mainly trying to figure out what a reasonable boundary-setting conversation should look like now. I don’t want my timeline for marriage/kids, career plans, or medication discussed between parents as if those decisions are up for family negotiation.

For people who have dealt with a parent or future in-law getting involved in private relationship topics, what boundaries helped? What should my boyfriend say to his mom? Should I say anything directly, or should this come from him?

TL;DR: My boyfriend’s mom asked my mom about our marriage/kids timeline and my medication, and the conversation became tense. My boyfriend defended me and says he’ll set boundaries. What should those boundaries look like?

My boyfriend (36M) and I (27F) have been together for almost a year. Recently, our moms met, and I’ve been feeling uncomfortable about some of the conversation.

For context, I’m in a PhD program and I take antidepressants.

During the conversation, his mom (a single mom, to whom my boyfriend is very attached) asked my mom when I would stop taking my medication. I wasn’t there when she asked this, and I found out afterward. I know she may not have meant it in a cruel way, but it felt invasive and inappropriate to me. I don’t think my boyfriend’s mother should be discussing my medical choices with my mom, especially not as if this is something that needs to be solved before the relationship can move forward.

There was also a broader conversation about the future. His mom said that my boyfriend is ready to settle down. When my mom explained that I’m still doing my PhD and may have around three years left, his mom seemed bothered or surprised because she had apparently thought it would be closer to two years.

My mom also made it clear that this meeting should not be treated as an engagement promise or as a guarantee that we will get married. I’m glad she said that, because I’m not ready for marriage or engagement conversations yet. I care about my boyfriend, but I’m 27, in grad school, and still building my career.

The whole thing made me feel like I was being assessed as a future wife/daughter-in-law: my medication, my career timeline, whether I’m “ready,” whether I fit into the timeline they have in mind. I understand that his mom is older and probably more traditional, and I don’t want to be unfair to her. But I also feel like some boundaries were crossed.

My boyfriend thinks I need to understand where she comes from. I’m trying to, but I also don’t want to dismiss my own discomfort just because she may have meant well.

He really wanted our moms to meet. He said he didn’t see it as an engagement promise either and that maybe he’s naive but that he just wanted everyone to be happy and have a fun weekend at his mom’s. Prior to our moms meeting he even suggested he and his mom spend Christmas with me at my parents’ (my parents weren’t super keen on the idea, they think hosting his mom on top of him is a bit much), but now I think even he’s realized this isn’t the best idea…

How can I talk to my boyfriend about all this in a way that sets a boundary around my medical privacy and future timeline, without turning it into a fight about his mom? My mom was harsh but frank with the two of them about him finding a new job being an immediate priority, as opposed to us planning a future wedding; she also admitted she thought the two of them meeting was rather premature and that if he and I are happy together, there’s no need for our moms to bond and for all of us to become “one big family.”

TL;DR: My boyfriend’s mom asked my mom when I would stop taking medication, said my boyfriend is ready to settle down, and seemed bothered that my PhD may take three years rather than two. I feel uncomfortable and want advice on how to talk to my boyfriend about boundaries around my medical privacy and future timeline.

My boyfriend (36M) and I (27F) have been together for almost a year. Recently, our moms met, and I’ve been feeling uncomfortable about some of the conversation.

For context, I’m in a PhD program and I take antidepressants.

During the conversation, his mom (a single mom to whom he’s very attached) asked my mom when I would stop taking my medication. I wasn’t there when she asked this, and I found out afterward. I know she may not have meant it in a cruel way, but it felt invasive and inappropriate to me. I don’t think my boyfriend’s mother should be discussing my medical choices with my mom, especially not as if this is something that needs to be solved before the relationship can move forward.

There was also a broader conversation about the future. His mom said that my boyfriend is ready to settle down. When my mom explained that I’m still doing my PhD and may have around three years left, his mom seemed bothered or surprised because she had apparently thought it would be closer to two years.

My mom also made it clear that this meeting should not be treated as an engagement promise or as a guarantee that we will get married, although she clarified that I have very strong feelings for him and am treating this relationship seriously. I love my boyfriend, but I’m 27, in grad school, and still building my career. I do see him as a serious contender for a husband and do want a family of my own soon, although I think we should take things one step at a time: we need to move in together first (planning on doing so soon), he needs to find a new job asap (had been working for a startup that’s gone belly-up), and I need to finish my PhD and get a job before even getting pregnant.

The whole thing made me feel like I was being assessed as a future wife/daughter-in-law: my medication, my career timeline, whether I’m “ready,” whether I fit into the timeline they have in mind. I understand that his mom is older and probably more traditional, and I don’t want to be unfair to her. But I also feel like some boundaries were crossed.

My boyfriend thinks I need to understand where she comes from (that he doesn’t agree with her attitude but that for a traditional woman like her having her son’s girlfriend be on meds is “intense” in the same way that I called her behavior “intense”). I’m trying to be understanding , but I also don’t want to dismiss my own discomfort just because she may have meant well.

Is it reasonable that this made me uncomfortable? How do I talk to my boyfriend about this without making it sound like I’m attacking his mom?

TL;DR: My boyfriend’s mom asked my mom when I would stop taking medication, said my boyfriend is ready to settle down, and seemed bothered that my PhD may take three years rather than two. I feel like I’m being evaluated as a future wife and pushed into a timeline I’m not ready for. Am I overreacting?