u/LowFlower6956

We knew babies were expensive but man. To keep our savings rate as it was pre baby, while also spending on baby, childcare, and all the outsourced tasks so we can spend more time with baby, I really feel like I can’t spend on myself anymore. This is a phase of life that I opted into enthusiastically but I miss how carefree I was with money before. I maxed out all my investments and savings but I still had $ leftover to get facials and massages occasionally, travel was cheaper for one person so I saw family everywhere more often, and I didn’t feel guilty buying new clothes for a wedding.

Now I’m in Costco clothes but with a baby I love and feel no guilt for spending $ on.

What a change.

Going to move back to OC soon with my kindergartener and want to send her to a school with as much a low screen environment as possible. Like what we had growing up - go to the computer lab occasionally. Are there any elementary schools, public or private, that embrace that? I don’t think the elementary schools I went to growing up in SVUSD are screen-free so am trying to expand my net beyond just where I grew up. We are open to moving anywhere to enable this decision.

Edit to add:
I knew there would be people who would say kids need to learn this stuff to be a cog in the corporate machine someday. I have worked in the tech industry for 15 years. Trust me - this technology is super easy to learn to use, esp with AI. It is way more beneficial to spend time in school interacting with kids, spending time outside, learning how to focus, solve hard problems, etc that you don’t learn at home. If I really wanted my kid to learn technical skills I could give them supervised tablet time 1 hour a day and they’d probably build me a tech company within 6 months. Having interacted closely with people whose jobs it was to market this stuff to schools, I know it’s unhealthy to do this in most schools and it’s breaking kids’ brains.

I have an almost 2 year old and she has seen a Miss Rachel episode 1x every week when I cut her nails, and that’s it.

I could not understand how so many moms took their kids shopping or to restaurants without any anxiety, or didn’t seem totally drained by 5pm.

Then I learned how many parents give their kids screens and how often and it all kind of clicked. I could have given her a screen so I could sit in peace in a restaurant but I didn’t. I could have given her a screen so I could cook in peace but I didn’t. I could have given her a screen so I could talk to a friend in peace but I didn’t.

I’m not a purist but I’m trying to be very minimal with screens. Even with her short half hour weekly with Miss Rachel, i have to work to regulate her back to normal afterwards - she def throws a mini tantrum.

So it explains the burnout. I feel less shitty about my own struggle to accomplish and enjoy more things throughout my day. I’m not employing a strategy other people use. Aha!

Pre baby: 125 lbs, 5’3”, barely any muscle

Post partum peak: 160lb. Was very hungry breastfeeding

20 months PP: 137 lbs!

It was honestly mostly diet. I went to the gym for like 4 months, and did strength training but hurt my back. So while I healed I honestly did very little exercise besides running around after my baby.

What has been working has been eating very mindfully. I don’t count calories bc my executive function is all taken up by work and toddler care. I do half a plate of plants, a quarter protein and a quarter carbs. I still eat dessert and I still eat a big plate of pasta pretty regularly. But I’m mostly balanced.

I’m sure I could have gotten here faster if I had strength trained to increase my BMR or counted calories but honestly I just didn’t want to do any of that right now. Between physical therapy and eating mostly well most of the time, I am at my max mental energy devoted to weight loss.

Trying to keep this up to lose more fat around my waist!

A year of weddings spanning formal, black tie, cocktail, ethnic, beach, etc. have to find a dress for each. A dress that works for my boobs. Mission impossible for one dress but for so many occasions? Oh god.

And then I go to the wedding and see everyone look beautiful while I am wearing a sack cloth shaped dress or something with a blazer on top in the heat.

Sad

I have always been a classic high achiever -Ivy League schools, MBA from a top program. I always wanted to work in non-profits/international development bc I’ve got a huge bleeding heart and had all these ideas to change the world and honestly the connections from my education that would help.

But I quickly realized that I wanted a family and to live where I grew up in $$$ CA, and was not marrying rich. So I chose to get my MBA and work in tech on the business side instead. At first in FAANG and now at a smaller public company. And it’s fine - it’s remote, pays well, is mostly chill. But I’m not successful per se. I am mid level, and view it as something that pays the bills, not something I am excited to work extra hard at.

So I always feel this envy when I look at my peers who are crushing it at work - regardless of their field. I wish I loved working in a corporation, but I don’t. I wish I had the financial independence to take a big career risk, but I don’t. What I do have is a flexible job that enables me to spend time with my wonderful family and kids. And for most people that’s a dream and I get that. But as a go-getter, I can’t help but wonder about the road not taken.

Edit: there are so many wonderful comments and I’m grateful to you all for making me feel less alone! To the points about broadening the definition of success… one of my mentors would say, he chose to have an amazing life and above average career, rather than an amazing career with just an above average life. And that is the path I have chosen. I would regret not having a beautiful marriage and family life. I actually quit my job to have 18 months off with my newborn bc that mattered to me more than work. But that doesn’t mean the rest of my identity just fell away. Aren’t moms allowed to have big non-family dreams too? And on some level, I feel a bit annoyed that the exhortation to expand our definition of success can have the real consequence of fewer women in positions of power.

I am mostly comfortable with the path I’ve chosen and think a lot about Nancy Pelosi starting her political career when her kids were older- you’re all right, there is more time. I just can’t get my ego to chill tf out sometimes!