I'm not here anymore
If you've written anything here, I haven't found it
If you plan to, I don't look anymore
There's too much to sort through
And I'm out of energy and hope
I'm not mad or anything
I'm just exhausted
You'll see me again soon, sorry I was lazy
I wish I could see you again
I hope you're okay
I find a little more joy some days now
But
How I wish I could have a real conversation with you
Maybe we could run into eachother somewhere
And for just a moment
Make everything crystal clear
But maybe the fog is the only way for things to be
Tell me how you want me
And I'll be there
As little or as much as you want
Just please don't self destruct
Your happiness will forever outweigh my selfish desire to have you in my life
I still can feel
The weight of your eyes on me
Discomfort because I was used to looking away
Not allowing myself to be seen
But that night
On two separate ends of the couch
Your gaze lingered
Deep, wanting, and knowing
And I allowed myself to hold that gaze
Longer than we both knew we should
And that intensity stays with me
Like the sound of your voice
Your laugh
The weight of your body
The feeling of my hand in yours
And all of the little mannerisms and body language I don't know how to put into words
Yet I still understand it
I'm glad to remember
I wish our eyes could meet again
Call me, what's the deal when you call me?
But honestly, I've never felt this much of an urge until you walked my way
Hope that you want me
That you'll lean on my body, takin' me
I've never taken you for someone who left me for just another lay, lay, lay
Goin' down, goin' right
I can tell by the look in your eyes
One more hour, one more night
I can tell it, I can tell that you're gone
Know that you got me
Can you feel it already?
'Cause honestly, there's not a second of the day that you're not oscillatin' in my mind, mind
Know that you got me
Cripplin' monogamy
And I wish that I could change it, I really do
But it's not lookin' good, it's not lookin' good so
I guess we'll be
Goin' down, goin' right
I can tell by the look in your eyes
One more hour, one more night
I can tell it, I can tell that you're gone
I know it's obvious that we've grown apart
Can't believe from the start
You've been free from my heart
That much is obvious, 'cause we've had it hard
Am I far off the mark?
Couldn't see very far
It's so obvious that I'm just not over you yet
Cards are far from the chest, but throw them out with the rest
It's so obvious when I'd like to try it again
Should have never hit send, some things are hard to defend
'Cause I don't think you think about the things that you say
A couple words could tear apart the thing that we made
I know it's obvious that we're broken parts
Tryna force it to start, couldn't plead them to spark
How much is obvious? 'Cause I'm in the dark
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Am I far off the mark? Was I free from your heart?
Still feeling silly
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Holding this devotion to you in the silence
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But even if its silly
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Its real and runs deep
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I still wonder what you think
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And if you feel silly
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Or if you feel anything at all
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I think about how love feels out of reach for me
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Something I can only show if shown
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Not wanting to presumptively place it in anyone's hands
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As if I deserve it
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But I see you
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And I see someone deserving of having their love held gently and honestly
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I hope that you're shown gentleness and honesty
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Selfishly
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I wish I still could
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I wish you'd tell me if I should
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I would either way though
You visited me again last night
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Even in the dreams that make me sad
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There's a certain comfort that you're there
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You couldn't talk to me
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But I told you that you could just listen
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I talked and talked
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You finally said a few words to let me know you still wrote here
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I told you I'd do nearly anything to read those words
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I'll show you mine if you show me yours first
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Still didn't get to read them
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Not in my dreams and not here
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But it was nice having one last close hug that wasnt through a thick winter coat
Check myself at the door
In my shell safely stored
Between you and I, I'm losing touch with my mind
I blur the lines all the time
Their faint remarks, I hold dear
I rehearse in the mirror
Would you call it a crime to pretend all the time?
One day I'll forget what was mine
Sometimes I see myself through their eyes
I shout for help but I don't realize
I'm caving in, I'm caving in
Where have I been? I'm caving in
Pretending, pretending, but do they really know me?
I worry about the choices im making
I'm happy and I know I should feel safe
But what if it all goes wrong?
Again?
This time there's higher stakes
The choices are big
And right now I feel so small
The things I would do to hear my favorite strangers advice
But
I could never ask you to
You're a good person
It only makes me view you with even more adoration and admiration than I already do
I miss you so much I feel it in my bones
Its nice to find you there
Even if it's my minds own creation
But my mind could never create
The gentleness I remember
Your mesmerizing eyes
Your mysterious personality
The pure beauty I see in you
Even in my dreams, I can't get you to tell me the answers to the questions I have
Not even the things I would want to hear
But I kind of like it that way
It feels more real
And for a moment, I don't have to miss you
Its nice to find you there
Even if it's my minds own creation
But my mind could never create
The gentleness I remember
Your mesmerizing eyes
Your mysterious personality
The pure beauty I see in you
Even in my dreams, I can't get you to tell me the answers to the questions I have
Not even the things I would want to hear
But I kind of like it that way
It feels more real
And for a moment, I don't have to miss you
I sometimes think about how if there was a way to forget, I'd do it.
Forget the hard moments, the mental gymnastics I've done, the longing, how long its been since I've known you.
I still remember certain dates, I think of you when something familiar pops up, well, actually there hasn't been a single day I haven't thought of you.
But then I remember the moments I got to share with you. The sound of your voice. The look in your eyes. The way your hand felt in mine. The kind words you gave me. The feeling I have when I think of you. The joy you brought.
And even if it would stop the hurt I feel, even if it woukd free up my mind, I know that if the chance to forget everything about you was right in front of me, I couldn't do it.
The pain just means it meant something.
Hey. I dreamt of you again. But this time I didn't see you. You were just out of reach, like you are now. But you replied, and kept sending me messages. I was worried about you, waiting for an invitation to do something to help.
I dont know how else to describe the dream, but i miss you and I hope you're doing well.
When others try to explain away my feelings for you, and even when I think deeply about it myself, I can't figure out one thing.
Even if the sad and lonely child in me who's tired and fears abandonment is hurt by the loss of you, when I've felt this pain with others, I run as far as I can out of shame and embarrassment and don't look back. Then I can escape the hurt from it.
Why do I keep circling back and hoping for your return? I still feel shame and embarrassment, but here I am. Hoping to see your face in the crowd at the store. Hoping that one day, I'll get that text that I will have waited maybe less than patiently for.
Why do I still want you in all the pain and shame?
Why hasn't the feeling or love lessened at all?
Here I am
Staring at a blank page
Wanting to write the thoughts and feelings down
They feel heavier today
But when I try to think of the words
My mind goes blank
I don't think I've ever had the right words
Ive tried
But it always feels not quite right
Not the exact meaning
Not the exact depth
Always feeling unfinished
I'll find the words somewhat soon
It will still feel unfinished
But then I'll let you go about your life
Uninterrupted
For a while
I know I'll be back
Waiting with hope
Wishing you well in the silence
I wish I knew what you wanted
But I'm not bright enough to take context clues
They could go either way
Still missing you
Still loving you
Still on my mind
Every single day.
How lucky I am
To have had that moment in time
Even if it lead to the deepest heartbreak
I think I'll ever feel
I feel selfish for wanting just one more moment
But I would always want "just one more"
Forever
Im sorry that I fell in love
And have stayed in love
I know its not that deep to you
But it will always be to me
I've been dancing in my bathroom
Cause it's better than thinking of you instead
Yeah, I don't wanna be a nuisance
I know that you've moved on
To something new since we spoke
But it would be lovely to catch up sometimes
Yeah I should be there for you later this week
Or really anytime cause my knees go weak
When I see you
And they love me, and I (love) them too
But they don't really know mе
Like I don't really know you
I bet your еxpression's more than through
Cause I'll be off the walls and you'll crack a joke or two
Or at least, at least that's what my night self makes me believe
And I know that you never really liked me
And all the things I might be
Maybe you'd spare me a chance
If I ever learned how to dance
Cause in my head you dance alone
But such as daydreams go
I want to send little updates to the void
Letting you know I'm okay
But I don't want to be a liar
Do you even want to know?
I feel like I've assigned a false importance to myself
To hold on to something so important to me
I wish I could know that you're okay
That you're happy and thriving
Why can't I let go?
Why don't I want to?
I don't know what I see when I look in the mirror now
It's not exactly a stranger anymore
I feel like I see nothing
I'm sorry for being in love with you
I'm sorry i couldn't stuff my feelings down to remain friends
I'm sorry that the love feels so large in the silence
Its yours to keep forever
In any capacity that you'd like
Even if you chose to never look back,
It will be here
Always
Thats not exactly right
So much has changed
Yet here I am
400 and some days later
Still holding onto the...
What do I call it...
Concept? Memories? Consistently deep rooted feelings? Delusions?
Of you
Time isn't real anymore, it feels like forever and yesterday and my imagination all at the same time
I don't know if the you I have in my mind is real anymore either
But the real you and the you in my head are still cared for
Why do I still want to write?
I do my best to write to the true void
But sometimes the metaphorical void is more comforting
Im sorry
I made a Playlist,
Fine-tuning it as a reliquary for my feelings
Even though youll never see it
I wonder so much about you
Im glad I can still hear your voice sometimes
Even if its only in short clips
Why does it make me happy?
Do you wish you could hear mine?
Any time I begin to feel that I've claimed a concrete grasp on my thoughts and feelings
The facade breaks
And I return here
Writing
Wondering
Yearning
For something I can only hope was
And maybe is
Real.
Is anything I experience real?
Or is my naivety going to be the death of
My mind
My soul
My body
Ill keep being naive
Sprinkling my love and care to places that I feel could...
Want it? Need it? Those words don't feel right.
And even if they dont
It will be time well spent.
I miss you.
Im sorry.
In the loud
In the quiet
In the happy
In the sad
In the light
In the dark
Thinking of you always
You left such a significant impression on my heart