u/Magegaard

I'm 30. Been single for 3 years.

My first relationship was 16-24, and we lived with each other all that time (broken homes, wanted to make one together.)

Second relationship was 24-27. He moved in with me two months in, because I was dumb and he liked life easy.

It wasn't easy but in the past three years I've really grown into myself and honestly enjoy my own company more than I ever have. I don't know if I'll be single forever, there's no way to predict that. I've been on dates and had my fun with guys, but it's never led anywhere for one reason or another.

But my friends just don't seem to get it, to the point they make me feel bad about it. They are constantly telling me to get out there, if I haven't spoken to someone in a while it's the first thing they ask about, they don't seem to get how I'm happy focusing on work on myself. Literally all my friends are like this.

I find it annoying to be frank. I also find them almost obsessive about it- like they break up with people and straight away get into new relationships, and then abandon me for those, then come back when it doesn't work out...rinse...and repeat.

I don't get how that's any better? If anything, I think it seems worse- like they clearly can't sit alone and reflect on themselves. And I'm not outspoken to them about this, but then they are SO outspoken to me about how I've been single so long, just find anyone (doesnt that sound desperate?), how could I live like this?! I've even been called sad. SAD because I'm not willing to just go with anyone!

I'm content with the way my life is and I don't miss having to deal with someone else all the time. I spent the best part of my younger years being a wife, I'm okay now rediscovering myself.

Idk I just needed to vent. Anyone got anything I can say to friends when they start going off again?

I saw in the news about how the people suing Meta want stories removed, likes on posts removed and endless scrolling removed.

I’m completely for it and hope (though doubt) they win. I often wonder if sm would be as influential if it didn’t have all these addictive little quirks to it.

I really can’t stand stories. I just do not get the point of them at all and even when using social media never post them or watch others. I genuinely do not get the point and if anyone has any valid reasoning to them would love to hear it.
I think getting rid of the like count would really make people reconsider why they are posting.
And I remember when social media didn’t have endless scrolling and it was so so much better. Once you were at the bottom of all the updates that was it.

What do you think?

I’ve changed my settings on here so I get a banana that tells me how many posts I scrolled.

Last night in twenty minutes I had scrolled past 50 bananas.

So that’s less than 1 post a minute. When else do we have that many random thoughts? Like pinging from a question about the world, to why Taylor swift is bad, to what new music is out this week, to a random plant, to someone else’s rant, to a new recipe for a food you don’t even like.

I really like the feature cuz it’s straight away made me go WOW that is not a normal way for our brain to process information. At all.
Suffice to say I’m going to try and limit my scrolling time as much as possible and get back to reading my books.

was at a festival then when i got home decided to drunk text everyone i shouldnt - including bad exs and tf. feel really embarrassed. i have deleted all the messages and unsent them so unless they read them they havent gone through; also blocked them all. but ahhhh. i have done SO much work the past year, almost like a different person.... and then there i am, bloody drunk texting them songs saying hope youre well, so embarrassing

In fact, my title is wrong- I don't like it; I love real bordeom.

For three years, 2016-2019, I had a phone that could only make phone calls. I could not download any apps, or set an alarm, or text, or play music and I only had space for three very low quality photos. In those three years, I travelled, I started to write my novel, when I was out I'd meet people and talk and they'd ask for my socials and I'd say I barely have a phone and that would cause a whole new conversation; I never swapped a way of staying in contact, but these strangers conversations still replay in my head now.

During lockdown, I was basically forced by family to have a phone to stay in contact (fair enough) and was given an iPhone. I downloaded social media for the first time in years and was instantly overwhelmed; suddenly friends from school, relatives I hadn't heard from, random people I'd met on nights out were all back into my thoughts. There was never a decent conversation though and our connection was through passing likes of each others streams.

In the time without it, I'd missed out on stories. What were stories?! Why did people not post permanently anymore, why had media been condensed into 10 second clips that disappeared?

I felt confused, but kept it for the comms.

I deleted it after a while and will always feel a relief when SM isn't in my life. I downloaded FB again last year as I was moving abroad and wanted to stay in contact. But the truth is, the people I want to contact have my number, and when we talk it might be once a month, but it's always more meaningful. When I post I get some likes and comments, but from people I haven't had a conversation with in years.

I've recently deleted it again, and I feel so much lighter. FIne, in fact. And I'm so grateful for the years I didn't have it, because it feels more natural to me. When I have a long coach journey, I just look out of the window. If I'm waiting for the bus, I watch the world around me. If I'm by the pool with nothing to do for an hour, I read.

I love daydreaming. I love sitting and staring at a wall and wondering. I love sitting by a river and watching a real stream and thinking of how fascinating it is that we are all connected deeply by water that all flows into the same ocean.

I'm shocked and honestly kind of disturbed how not everyone is like this. Some of my coworkers talk like internet brainrot; sometimes it comes across like they've got tics in the way they talk in memes. I'm a teacher and it saddens me how when my students get a ten minute break, they instantly all pull out their phones and don't talk to each other.

I fear people have become so inward and individualistic now. We used to wait for the next episode of a tv show and talk about our predictions in the breakroom, we would all go to the music shop and browse the newest albums, each buying one and going home to listen to them all together, sometimes making mixtapes that we'd sit in the garage or in our bedroom and listen to. We used to be so much more present and tangible; we're losing our boredom for a constant hit of dopamine which ironically is making everyone depressed.

I recently had the misfortune of hanging out with an influencer wannabe and it was a dreaful experience. He spent so much time setting up, retaking, pausing to film that everything he was documenting may have looked well on camera but the reality was three hours of my life I will never get back for a 5 minute film reel. I went out with another friend that had to take photos of everything. It was exhausting. And what is all this for? To document things for literal all of time we could do without thinking much about it. What's changed?

Boredom is one of the healthiest things we can experience. It makes us wonder and from wonder new ideas are invented.

I'm grateful to myself for seeing past this, but I can't deny it's getting harder. I recently made an instagram just because I was sick of people asking me why I didn't have one; now I just give it to them, tell them I don't use it, and they follow me but the app isn't downloaded on my phone. I've explained enough times but kept getting pressured- please make one, please do it. Here you go, my empty portal of nothing. No, I did not watch your story- what was it about, let's talk about it!

It's toxic. I truly believe we should be most concerned for the five people around us, and everyone else enters and leaves our lives as they are meant to. I don't need to cling onto a curated image for digital pixels that haven't seen me for years. That is actually boring, and not the type I enjoy.

Go be bored. Go outside and be bored. Stand in line in the shop and feel frustrated that you have to wait. Look at your watch and tap your foot when the bus hasn't arrived, ask the person next to you if they're waiting too. Find enjoyment in the boredom and waiting; it's called rest, and it's going to help you.

I’ve felt detached or at least told myself I’m detached but out of nowhere it’s like I just can’t stop thinking about him and everything. It’s annoying! How can I go back to not thinking about it I liked it!!!!!!

We separated over a year ago and I’ve been doing so so well. I am basically a different person. I am so happy with myself. I stopped checking his social media, stopped waking up/falling asleep thinking about him, he basically left my thoughts.

Now this week BOOM can’t stop thinking about him. Both romanticising it and being so upset by it (both embarrassed and anger). All the old emotions have come back like a massive wave. No trigger. Just one day got a weird impulse to look at his social media, and when I did he’d posted something that I’d always supported him to do and now I’m here on Reddit going why and how do I make it stop!!!!!!

Is anyone else having this? Felt moved on from it only for it to come back out of nowhere? I literally live on the other side of the world rn and we are completely in NC and I don’t even want to break that, but for some reason my thoughts just keep going back to him and what we went through

weve been in seperation for just over a year now. when we reconnected (after first separation of over 10 years), we were both very stagnant. we kept pushing each others buttons for the year we reconnected, then we both had to put a stop to it all.

this whole journey has been confusing, nauseating, i want to forget him, most of the time i do, ive managed to calm the longing, the anger, the confusion. i feel at peace in the sense i understand whatever this connection is- tf or something else- it's taught me something nearly no other relationship has.

so so much work has happened the past year, and because of social media, i can say for both of us. literally what i wanted for him and what he wanted for me we have both nearly achieved.

this week ive felt an intense pull. i dont know why; out of nowhere. barely been paying attention to him, completely been focused on myself. but this week, a massive, hard to explain pull.

i checked his socials which i havent done in months. what did i see? hes done something that even with the way things ended, has made me feel happy for him. like genuienly, i am so happy hes done the thing i kept telling him, almost annoyingly to do. a bit of sadness we arent talking so i cant say how i feel, but still, the feelings there.

the weirdest thing? in the picture he posted, he was wearing a shirt and trousers. i looked at my shirt. in his pic he was wearing the exact same colours and the nearly the exact same pattern, just in reverse. i wish i was exaggerating. it's only spooked me, and i dont know what it means. why the pull? why am i suddenly noticing him again when hes doing something i wanted for him? and why the hell are we wearing the same outfit?!

im currently six months into my first tefl job. i love it, i love my coworkers, the school, the experience. but homesickness is always kind of there, coupled with the fact im 30, and i know eventually ill want to be back home, marry, have children and theres no way id want to do that longterm so far away. i miss my family.

theres somedays i just really cant deal with the heat, the mosquitos, the constantly dealing with language barriers. learning different cultures is both interesting and tiring; and ive discovered very quickly that money isnt great in the role, and problems i naively thought were just a western problems are global. it feels like since ive moved here i havent truly relaxed; i always feel slightly exposed, on edge almost.

sometimes i think i want to stay here maybe two or three years, and other times i wish i couldve gone home yesterday.

how did you decide that this was short term or long term path for you?

ps im not looking for someone to make a decision for me, i just like hearing different perspectives on worries that i have :)

I don't know why, but tonight I am feeling overwhelming grief about my ex. I've been crying nonstop the past hour, I can't stop thinking about him, there were no triggers. Out of nowhere.

We were together 8 years. We met at 16. My parents were divorcing, he was from a broken home, we were both quite messed up but we had each other. We were inseparable for those 8 years. Everyone knew us together. We had all the same friends, our families were each others families... we fought, we fought like crazy, we tested each other, we loved so strongly I know I will never love that strongly again. I have hope I'll meet someone and marry and have children of my own, but I know that my love will never be as pure as it was with him.

He broke up with me when I got into nursing school. He said it's because he didn't want to keep holding me back- he was low and unmotivated and completely lost- but it also turned out he'd been cheating on me. My heart was beyond broken.

Now that six years have passed, I totally forgive him. I get we were both young and immature and had insecurities we could not work out together. He's said the same thing to me. We both understand.

I did my nursing training during the pandemic, I rebounded with someone older who was not good for me at all. We dated for three years. My ex was also found a very nice girl who posted all over social media the life I so badly wanted with him (they had a house and a dog and weekends away). They broke up.

We stayed in contact the whole time. Sometimes we'd argue, sometimes he'd say he missed me, sometimes I'd say I missed him, sometimes I'd block him, sometimes he'd say I needed to stop messaging.

The beginning of last year, 5 years after the break up, both of us single, we slowly talked for a while. He kept saying how sorry he was. I kept saying how I forgave him. We didn't talk about what we were doing in life. We just talked about how much we cared for each other, even all this time later.

One night I'd been out drinking with friends and for whatever reason I walked to his family home. He told me he was living in Greece, so I don't know what drunk me thought would happen. I knocked. Waited. He answered. He was shocked. I was shocked too.

'Why are you here?'

'I don't know.' We hadn't seen each other in over 5 years. We sat on a bench and talked. I cried. In the car ride home, we said we'd meet again before I moved to Asia.

We met up again 2 months later. We had texted for the two months leading up. We both said a lot, maybe it needed to be said, maybe it made things messier. I don't know. He was early, like on our first date.

He was terrible company. He was ill, and awkward. I could see how we were incompatible yet perfect. That kind of opposites attract thing. It was like not a second had passed. He told me he had a new woman. His exact words. I felt an indescribable feeling. I looked her up on facebook. She posts horrible things about white lives matter and people who 'sin will burn in hell'. I don't know what he'd see in that. When we met up, he couldn't maintain eye contact.

He messaged me so much after, saying how sorry he was, how he wanted to say more but he was nervous, blah blah and blah. I took my time in replying. I moved to Asia. I worked hard. He liked all my posts.

I asked him one day if he still had one of my belongings. He sent me a long paragraph that I didnt ask for. I asked again. No response. Kept liking my posts. My birthday passed and he didn't say anything.

One morning I woke up to six messages from him, sent at 2am his time. Saying how much he missed me, how sorry he was, how happy he is that I'm doing well, because I'm amazing, I was always amazing.

I felt angry. I didn't reply. I told myself I didn't want to keep going round in circles. I put my effort into my job, I started liking a new guy (although it's not going to go anywhere, he's leaving soon, but the feeling was still nice), I started putting a lot of care into my appearance.

I didn't curse my ex, or wish him ill, I just felt frustrated. I didn't want to keep saying I miss you and nothing coming from it.

Yet here I am now, 2 months after he sent it, reading the message, going round in circles in my head, thinking how I miss you too, I miss you so fucking much, I'm scared I'll miss you forever.

He said he thinks of me often, how he'll always love me, how his ex broke up with him because he couldn't get over me.

I want to reply but I've told myself wait until you're more emotionally steady, see if this is just a blip rather than a reason to open the gate again.

I'm scared too; what if I reply, and he doesn't reply, and I'm left again? What do I even say?

Tonight I feel sad, and I'm not afraid to say I miss you so much Laurence.

As the title says. I broke up with him after three years of being told daily i was better off dead, a waste of space, ugly, fat pig... he didnt work whilst i worked three ('pointless, stupid') jobs and studied for my ('lying to me, waste of time') degree. he owes me so much money and even more time. when i was spiked after he introduced me to the dodgy guy, and assaulted thereafter, he later told me it was 'your fault for drinking that night, and you parents fault... it's their karma... you have to pay for their mistakes' (what?). he isolated me from my friends, he told me how to dress, what to eat, what music i could listen to. told me to repent for my sins, that god could never love me, that i was dirty damaged goods.

we went on holiday and i asked for my money (he wouldnt ever let me carry my own belongings) and he held it above my head in a busy, public space and said 'you want this little piggy?' i grabbed it and ran away from him but he followed me, i kept saying go away, to the point people were asking if i needed help. i ended up crying beneath a palm tree. the next morning, he screamed at me and then left, and then there was a knock on the door. there were 6 women from housekeeping saying they heard it all and they wanted to phone the police. at the airport i broke up with him.

he told me good, he didnt want me anyway. then he told me he broke up with me (i said the outcomes the same either way- he did not like that). we had to live together for three months whilst i sorted things out. he would come into my room late at night naked asking for money so he could go on dates, then call me selfish for saying no.

i got out. i rebuilt my life. i wrote something the university of cambridge highly commended. i moved to three different cities on my own. i stayed out of dating and focused on myself; occasionally id have some fun with a guy, but i know my worth now. i walked 100 miles solo last summer. i got a job selling strawberries. i now live in south east asia with my dream job. all of this in less than three years.

but my nervous system is fucked; i still have mild panic attacks, bad dreams, bad thoughts. the damage he caused me has lingered. i may be away from him, but theres a part of him that is always present.

i made instagram recently because people kept asking me to. just posted a couple recent pictures. i logged in two weeks later and he'd messaged. i have no idea how he found my account, especially so quick.

"hi, i just wanted to say how happy i am to see youre doing well, and how good that is for me to see. and i see you've been travelling!"

i threw my phone. i didnt even mean to. but i did. i read it and literally threw the phone, and felt my heart rate quicken, and felt sick, and wanted a drink, and ended up getting drunk two days later because unfortunately (im really working on it- only had three drinks this whole year) ive found alcohol to be the thing that makes him go away for a little.

the message scared me, he is not nice, why is he sounding nice. i looked at his profile- hes even weirder and worse than i remember. i blocked him.

but my nervous system has felt fucked and i havent got anyone to talk to about it. ive felt teary and anxious and worried ever since, deep down. not all consuming, but like all that peace ive worked for is fragile. im fragile.

i just needed to write out how i feel somewhere

background of myself: i have an English with Creative Writing degree, a CELTA and a PGCert. I was a teaching assistant for 3 years, ranging from nursery to secondary as well as qualified exam invigilator. I also have a years children nursing under my belt.

Right now: I am teaching in SEA at a well-established language centre, teaching ages 3-18, as well as teaching once a week in public/private/international schools. The job is great, I love my team and the experience it's giving me, they are paying for me to do additional courses, and the pay is enough. I truly feel like I've lucked out in terms of first tefl jobs.

The decision I have to make: last year I did PGCE Secondary English in England. I hated it. I love teaching but I do not enjoy the English school system at all. So, so, SO much would have to change for me to ever want to go back to it. WHen/if I return to the UK, there is 1% of me that wants to be an English school system teacher. I left during my second placement due to severe bullying from my mentor which still follows me now (she sent an email to a potential new job fabricating lies about me when all they asked for was the dates I worked- luckily the new job took my side, and I also have other people to back me up that this woman had a problem with me).

The university I was at want me to return to England and complete my QTS.

My current job have offered me a promotion for next year (extra pay, extra duties). They have also offered to pause my contract if I do decide to complete QTS.

The thing is, going back to complete it would be a royal headache. I'd have to move in with my family which is tense, I'd have no income for nearly four months, I'd be working in an environment I truly can't stand.

Right now, I'd like to stay in the company I'm in for two years (as I think that looks better on your CV than 1 year), and then move onto international schools. I'm not talking top grade international schools, I'd be happy with a nice school in a nice location. Most jobs I've seen advertised online want either an English degree or an education degree, which I have. They all seem to also ask two years teaching experience- hence why I think staying two years with a company I know I like sounds beneficial.

I have a lot of different opinions being thrown at me at what to do, and now I'm writing on reddit to ask strangers their unbiased opinion; will QTS ever benefit me with international schools/esl jobs, or are my qualifications (and I'm happy to study further when the time comes) and gaining more experience more beneficial to me?

last night i had a few beers just to chill, it was nice, watched the sunset listening to music. i was chill, enjoying myself, but i hadn't eaten and i'd spent all day in the sun..

i cook my dinner and then get this dumbass idea to go and give some to my crush, so i take him some food... and hes like what? thanks? and i leave, but then he comes and finds me. my brain is hazy but i remember talking about work, that's about it...

cue he goes to leave and i say can i have a hug (why), and we hug but it's like he doesnt even know what a hug is? like legit he didnt seem to know how to give a hug? and im like wow so nice thank you, then as hes halfway out the door

i

s

a

y

can i have a kiss

and he goes what

and i said a kiss can i have a kiss

and he says

i dont think so

and walks away

and then i woke up with a throbbing head, had to get through work, had coworkers asking me are you ok, something seems up and it's like how do i tell you what my problem is

i havent seen said crush yet and i dont want to, not now, give me some time... but fuck.

like

what

I've known him 6 months now, and for those 6 months we've chatted nearly everyday, or are happy to sit in a comfortable silence.... like even if we've been sat for half an hour not talking, if I get up to go, he'll say 'you're leaving?!'

we dont talk online and it's all in person, which i love. i dont have all those weird mind games from it, and it's more like... ooh i wonder if we will see each other today kinda thing.

but we were hanging out with our friend the other day and our friend said you know *my crush* is leaving and i was like what? no? and then i looked at him and he wouldnt look at me and he was all, i have to go back home...

so sad. and then a couple days later we were talking, i asked how he felt and he said he didnt know, he didnt really want to go back but he had to...

and now im like.. oh. im sad, not only am i losing my crush but also my friend.

and since the announcement, we've been talking even more than normal. it isn't some kind of fantasy crush; he's my friend, ive seen him happy, sad, angry, tired, drunk, excited.. we talk about anything and everything. but now he's going

it makes me want to ask him to do something, like get food, or go out, or anything.. but im too shy.

im scared of not saying anything and regretting it, im scared of saying something and regretting that too. it's hard to tell how he feels. is he just nice? or does he like me?

when we spoke about where he was going, he kept saying how id love it there, how i should go there... then he said i should go somewhere else, then he said that's where he wants to go eventually.

what would you do if you knew your crush was leaving?

My crush when we are together will just talk about ANYTHING that seems to float through his mind. The other day we spoke for an hour and a half and literally at one point the convo was taxes>fish>meat prices>five year plan>family>drugs>ghosts....and a lot more. and not just his opinions, what do i think?!

ive known lots of girls to be like this but ive never met a guy who will just spew out any thought that is in his head to me. it makes me lol lol

i was sat talking to my crush like we usually do, maybe we'd been talking just over an hour about all sorts, anything and everything, from the mundane to the super serious

out of nowhere he got up and mumbled something and i said what and he said 'i have to poop' and i went what?! and he went 'i HAVE to POOP [my name]' and ran away. i said 'thanks for telling me?'

he didnt come back so like 20 minutes later i left and now im just like wtf why would someone say that, why not just i need the toilet... like.... does that mean he doesnt have a crush? or hes so comfortable with me? do you think hes sat there thinking why did i say that? and why the hell do i think it's cute?!!?

i was sat talking to my crush like we usually do, maybe we'd been talking just over an hour about all sorts, anything and everything, from the mundane to the super serious

out of nowhere he got up and mumbled something and i said what and he said 'i have to poop' and i went what?! and he went 'i HAVE to POOP [my name]' and ran away. i said 'thanks for telling me?'

he didnt come back so like 20 minutes later i left and now im just like wtf why would someone say that, why not just i need the toilet... like.... does that mean he doesnt have a crush? or hes so comfortable with me? do you think hes sat there thinking why did i say that? and why the hell do i think it's cute?!!?

i have a crush on a friend i see on a daily basis. i didnt have a crush, then one night i was lying in bed and thinking about him... i thought about something he does that i used to find annoying, but i was thinking how it was cute and then i was like OH NO I LIKE HIM.

it's been two months now of knowing i like him and i find it hard to relax. i get all anxious and overthinking and dont act how i used to. i keep overthinking every interaction, get caught up in daydreams.... i have a really bad relationship history, and this is the first slowburn ive ever experienced.

anyone have a crush on a friend before, any tips on how to relax a bit more? i always think im annoying him now, whereas i never used to.

i cant tell how he feels at all. i caught him staring at me yesterday, it was so blatantly obvious. i had my back turned and when i turned around he was looking right at me and quickly said "HI". he once said i had nice shoes on, and i said thanks? and then he said they were dirty. i dont know how to read this boy

ive tried to make this as short as possible. any words or understanding would be SO appreciated. after a couple years of not liking anyone and before that two longterm relationships, this is all very new to me.

- met a guy in a communal area. used to sit in silence together. without speaking, i did not like him. something about the way he moved his arm. it used to really annoy me. i notice he keeps looking at me but i keep ignoring him cuz the arm thing just got on my nerves.

- one day he catches me with nothing to do and makes conversation. talks my ear off. shakes my hand and leaves. i found him a bit arrogant.

- one night i cant sleep, go to communal area and hes there. we end up talking for three hours until really late. he's actually really nice, and we have a lot in common.

- keep bumping into him, random places, and he keeps proving he's really nice.

- then one night i run into him and we end up having a real laugh, sitting next to each other, leaning in. suddenly realise we have inside jokes from our conversations. when im alone im lying there and i think, it's cute that thing he does with his arm. THEN I REALISE>>>CRUSH

- we keep talking for weeks, and things feel like theyre in a romcom. he kind of flirts, i kind of do back, he keeps initating, or i do... it's VERY mutual, and i get excited.

- CUE IT JUST STOPS. one night he doesnt want to talk. it turns into several.

- i become sad by it. cuz beyond a crush i liked talking to him

- he disappears. reappears having been home. he's really chatty again, like the beginning.

- he helps me a lot with things, we talk sometimes, it's nice

- one day i ask him how he is and he says "yeah". it goes back to being weird.

- one night he seems really upset and i notice. i give him a smile and he looked like a sad puppy. i tell him to look after himself and he very sadly says thank you

where im at: i went out with some friends and drunkenly decided to leave him a bag full of snacks?? why?? cue absolute embarrassment in my head. i avoided anywhere i might see him, but still we bump into each other. he's REALLY smiley, says my name reeeeeeeeeally long. internally im all embarrassed and run away basically.

next time we see each other, im still a bit embarrassed, and then i get stuck. he comes over and helps me. i asked him how he was and he gave me a genuine answer (not one word), and then goes where he needs to go.

weve had some really long chats and know a lot about each other... hes complimented my appearance, weve both caught the other looking at each other, when others are around he makes a big point to include me/make it known we know each other, hes very helpful towards me and caring, but then the silence really confused me, and im REALLY confused/embarrassed about the snack thing. like what is he thinking, what am i doing?!

now im here writing on reddit like what is going on. i dont know how to do a crush lol!

In separation now for nearly 11 months.

It was really hard and painful at first. When we separated, I told him to continue with his passion which he had given up and he told me to love myself.

And I am. I've done so, so much inner and outer work. I have my dream job, I live in an amazing place, I have good friends, I practice yoga and meditation, I have found my old hobbies again, I dress up, I go out, I do all things I've always wanted to do... there really isn't much more I could need right now and I want for nothing.

I didn't look at his socials for a while and one day I felt the need to. I did and he'd posted that he had gone back to his passion. He posted a lot, and did something I know would've brought a lot of fear to him, but something I always encouraged him to do.

I accept separation. I accept if our paths never cross again.

I am not chasing. I understand what is meant for me will come to me.

But why can't I let him go? Why? Why every time I meet someone new- who treats me better, who is different, who is more of what I need- do I think of my tf? How I could meet all these lovely people and have yet to find anyone who gives me the same spark, even with time, even with building up connection? Why do I miss my tf more than I do ex's, even though we were never an item? Never just friends either. This weird relationship that defys any kind of relationship I've had with anyone before or since.

Everything changed when we reconnected after 9 years separated. It was like all those years leading up to that moment just vanished and I remembered who I used to be, and now I have found them again, I wonder where he is, and if he feels the same. If he misses our missed reuinion too.

Part of me is glad we are separated as I don't think I could've achieved the inner work I have done for myself if I had stayed around. I believe it all had a purpose. Almost like if I couldn't have him, then I would put all that energy I felt back into myself. And I have. And the result is amazing.

Sometimes I tell myself he didn't care, but even I find it hard to believe. I asked for a sign for the first time in months the other day, and I got it instantly. To the point I understood deeply, and it's unsettled me a bit. I have not asked for signs or anything from the universe to give it a break. And when I do for the first time in months... BAM, here it is, plus some more.

But we can't talk. I can't reach out. He might not want me to. I wonder if that's how he feels too. I wonder if he doesn't care at all. I wonder what he thinks.

I feel a weird emptiness for something that was never mine, yet changed me so much.

I have so much in my life right now, I feel the most content I ever have. But it feels like something is missing, always. Something I can't shake. It can be unsettling sometimes.

He's gone very quiet. He posted a bunch of stuff that I can see my influence/him trying to say something to me, but otherwise he has gone quiet. But when I asked for a sign, I got what I asked for and extra. I think he might miss me too.

Is there a way to find out without contacting him?

I'm posting here because I have no one to talk to about it.