u/Marmeeeee

[removed]

Never imagined writing this on Reddit, but I really need some objective perspectives because my family and friends already have strong opinions about this.

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. Our relationship has had some major problems, almost exclusively centered around him cheating during the first half of our relationship with his ex and her ongoing obsession with me to this day. But we’ve also had an incredibly strong connection. I’ve never been more attracted to someone, and we’ve shared some of the happiest, most fun experiences of my life. I truly believed we could work through our issues.

We agreed early in our relationship that we didn’t want another child and wanted to enjoy our lives together since our kids were both older and we’ve both had the experience of raising a child.

Recently, our relationship had become so difficult with the ongoing drama from his ex that I was making peace with ending the relationship and going our separate ways.

Then I found out I’m pregnant. I’m still trying to come to terms with the reality that I’m actually pregnant right now, even after confirming it with my OBGYN.

This is completely unexpected. We were using birth control as a responsible layer of protection, and he said his sperm count was zero because of certain meds he takes. So, I don’t know how this happened, but it did.

That night I found out and told him, he was incredibly loving and supportive, he held me all night. But the next morning, when I told him I was leaning toward continuing the pregnancy, everything changed.

He became extremely upset and said I was ruining his life and future. He is 51 and says he doesn’t want to be a father again. He wants the freedom to travel, retire, pursue his hobbies, and enjoy this stage of his life. He says having another child means he’ll never be able to do those things.

For context, he’s a high earner with significant retirement savings, investments, and assets. I also have a strong income and substantial equity in my home. I’ve done the math, and I genuinely believe I can support a child, even if I have to do it alone. It will be tough, but I think I can do it.

I completely understand that he doesn’t want another child. I don’t think he’s a bad person or wrong for feeling that way. But he says that I’m a bad person for continuing the pregnancy that he doesn’t want, that I’m unilaterally forcing him into fatherhood and disregarding his wishes. He said he wants to break up with me if I choose to continue the pregnancy because he’ll never look at me the same way again and he’ll never trust or respect me.

At one point, while we were in his car, he repeatedly screamed, “I don’t want a child!” in my face. In the same conversation he said he’s still coming to my ultrasound next week. I said absolutely not because, after breaking up with me and telling me how vehemently he doesn’t want this child, I’m not going to emotionally torture myself by having him beside me during such a vulnerable appointment.

Now I’m completely torn. My 40th birthday falls on Mother’s Day, and I keep thinking I’ll either be spending it alone with a baby and my teenager, or I’ll be spending it mourning the thought that I could be holding my new baby right now. I feel unexpectedly attached to this pregnancy. I’ve had an abortion before and still regret it, and deep down I don’t think I can go through another one.

At the same time, I cannot fathom having to co-parent with someone who currently seems to resent this pregnancy for the next 18+ years.

I know I could potentially do this alone. I’ve considered the financial and practical realities, including childcare, work, my existing teenage child, and everything else. I also know how difficult having a child can be, but I know the joy and fulfillment too.

I’m deeply heartbroken and struggling with the fact that he can go from telling me how deeply he loves me one moment and wants a life with me to saying he’s breaking up with me because I want to continue this pregnancy.

I don’t want to make a decision that ruins his life. I also don’t want to make a decision that I will regret for the rest of mine.

How would you approach this situation? Am I missing something important? Is there a more realistic way to think about this that I’m not seeing?