So i went out yesterday and i noticed that I always notice women more and not really men like when i went out yesterday i can say i saw many pretty women but i can only say ive seen like one attractive men. On top of that i think ive always been like this even back then and ive had less anxiety (ive been doing a little erp) so do i just like it now and accepting it????
So ive been feeling better the past few days however i saw this tiktok video that sent me google everything. Its a girl saying how she realized that she was a lesbian because he only liked men because she imagined them imagining her.
That made me panic and search everything because. Even before the anxiety and ocd thing I loved daydreaming, and usually i would day dream about men wanting me and liking me and being in a relationship. So now i think I only ever liked male validation and not actual men
Does not help that i dont really get crushes in real life. One time I did I think it was just because i liked the attention and the idea of him because when he got a girlfriend I wasn't really upset.
Ive never had a crush on a woman before nor do i see myself with a woman . But i read that they never realized that they were a lesbian until they let themselves be attracted to a woman. Maybe that's the reason ive never had a crush was because i was barking at the wrong tree???? That maybe the reason i never imagined myself with a woman was because i was just never looking a woman in that light??
I dont know anymore I don't want to be a lesbian but i feel like i was never even straight to Begin with because unlike people here that were boy crazy or had many boy crushes before so-ocd came into their lives i just hate it that I feel distress when I think about it. Does not help that i have a slightly homophobic family i just hate this i feel miserable! It just sound like im a lesbian that wants to suppress myself
A video of a lesbian talking about "things she said before realizing she was a lesbian" triggered tf out of me cause i relate to some of them 🥲🥲 i hate this so much. I also saw like a post here about how some of people with hocd recovered and then realized they were actually lesbian just 😭 I don't want to be a lesbian or want to be attracted to girls
I (18f) have a strong feeling that i might be in the aro spectrum and honestly i dont want to fully unpack that nor label myself aromantic because gosh it fills me with so much sadness and grief that i won't be able to experience romantic love there is nothing more i want than to have a boyfriend and love him. But in my 18 years i dont even think ive had a genuine crush. I get stuck in this cycle of falling in love with the idea of love rather than a person and I know that platonic love is just as fulfilling and all but i just can't help it im just a teenage girl lmao but seriously I just wish and pray to everything that I just haven't found the right person yet (i know aro people hate people saying this) I just want to be able to feel that kind of love towards another person to I want to feel everything the magic of falling inlove the heartbreak everything! 🥲
Im sorry if there is so much arophobia in this post i might delete it later i just need to vent
Im 18F One of my biggest triggers is the fact that i never had crushes not even now. I had once but i think it was limerance.
The celebrity "crushes" I have was because i saw a hot edit of them and read their fanfiction then got obsessed.
I think i might just be obsessed with the idea of men and their attention and im actually a lesbian deep inside... Most people here had lots of crushes on men when they were young or dated men before, i dont really relate to people here im scared i just might be a lesbian with comphet, daddy issues, and in denial.
My experince just aligns so much with women with comphet and in denial.... I just want all this over thinking to stop already its consuming my brain 24/7 :((
Pre hocd the thoughts of kissing the same gender and being intimate with same gender never really bothered me infact i used to even get off on them, but i never really thought about dating or actually being with the same gender during those times and identified as straight. My whole life i rarely had crushes, I had once and it was because he was nice to me and gave me attention and hyperfixated on female characters. All of these i never really overthink until now I wanted a boyfriend and started to analyze all of this which leads me to now.
Now I feel like those are all proof that im actually gay im just in denial and that all the anxiety and distress im feeling is just internalized homophobia. (Im undiagnosed and therapy is not really accessible to me)
Anyone can relate?
Im 18f never had a boyfriend in my life rarely had crushes and the one time i did it started because they gave me attention not really because i noticed them first, hyperfixated on some female characters growing up, all the male celebrities that I've liked or had interest in i only like them/became obsessed with them when i read like their fanfics on my fyp or when i start daydreaming about them. All signs just points that im gay i feel like i want to cry
So I 18F have been maladaptive daydreamed since like 2020 i think the loneliness during the pandemic and the fact that i was deprived of interactions i should've had going through puberty that time did that and the main theme of my daydreaming usually is someone loving me/me loving someone, being in a romantic relationship it i've changed characters a lot of times but the theme remains
Now ive been trying to stop maladaptive daydreaming and one of the things i always see is, the things we are maladaptive daydreaming about are things that are unfilled in our lives and we should go and fulfill it in real life then. The thing is I don't think ill ever find love.... Lol i know it sounds sad but i lowkey think i might be in the aromantic spectrum but i dont wanna unpack that right now. But aside from that i think deep in my soul i feel like im just one of those people that will never find their person and I think that's okay! I'm meant for greater things i guess but the urge to maladaptive daydream about love is never leaving me and it just making me sad after the daydreaming. After daydreaming i just have this empty feeling that I won't ever experience this great love story i have in my head and it breaks my heart everytime...
Any advice?
So uhh i sh for the first time earlier. I planned since yesterday to trying it and earlier I was sobbing about something and I did a few cat scratches on my thigh its nothing crazy only small ones. Now a few hours have passed and my mind is clearer now damn i feel regretful and scared that i did that. I don't want to do it again but im lowkey scared that once I get into one of my crying or sobbing fits im gonna do it again.... Any advice?
Im 18f and this all started last year during summer had a lot of time thinking and it dawned on me that I never really had crushes growing up had a i think one genuine one and another one that i just picked and I would get hyperfixated(?) on some female characters on movies.
When i looked it up i went into a rabbit hole about aromantics then i found this video that said "they thought they were aromantic turns out they just were not looking at the right gender and they were a lesbian" that just sent me into a spiral even more I could not stop searching and figuring it out and obsessing over it even when classes started.
Before i had hocd i wouldn't mind kissing or making out with girls when i think about it but i would't want to be with one and identified as straight. Now my mind is telling me that's a proof that i've always liked girls since that was before all the anxiety.
It does not help that I come form a slightly homophobic family. My mind is also telling me im just scared and in denial because of this. That i'm actually into girls and just scared to come out which i think i am..... I dont know anymore im scared but not scared at the same time I still dont want to be with a girl but i would mind the kissing yk UGH I HATE THIS I JUST WANT TO BE STRAIGHT AGAIN AND NOT HAVE ANXIETY FROM THE MOMENT I WAKE UP
Side note too Im not diagnosed with hocd or any ocd really its not really known here in my country and if i go to any psychology or psychiatrist it would literally cost sooo much money :/
Im 18f and this all started last year during summer had a lot of time thinking and it dawned on me that I never really had crushes growing up had a i think one genuine one and another one that i just picked and I would get hyperfixated(?) on some female characters on movies.
When i looked it up i went into a rabbit hole about aromantics then i found this video that said "they thought they were aromantic turns out they just were not looking at the right gender and they were a lesbian" that just sent me into a spiral even more I could not stop searching and figuring it out and obsessing over it even when classes started.
Before i had hocd i wouldn't mind kissing or making out with girls when i think about it but i would't want to be with one and identified as straight. Now my mind is telling me that's a proof that i've always liked girls since that was before all the anxiety.
It does not help that I come form a slightly homophobic family. My mind is also telling me im just scared and in denial because of this. That i'm actually into girls and just scared to come out which i think i am..... I dont know anymore im scared but not scared at the same time I still dont want to be with a girl but i would mind the kissing yk UGH I HATE THIS I JUST WANT TO BE STRAIGHT AGAIN AND NOT HAVE ANXIETY FROM THE MOMENT I WAKE UP
Side note too Im not diagnosed with hocd or any ocd really its not really known here in my country and if i go to any psychology or psychiatrist it would literally cost sooo much money :/
I really love the idea of journaling and letting my feelings out on paper but I'm scared of the realizations i might find when i do start writing and what I might uncover about myself that maybe I've been avoiding and send me into a spiral, make my anxiety worst rather than helping 😭😭 and the usual fear that my family might read it lol any tips how to overcome this?