u/Messy-Joes

I’d like to start the artists way, but I would find it easier to have like an accountability friend or group to do it with. If there’s any other women who would like a companion to share with, I’m 42f and would love to hear from you!

The last few years I’ve been dating I’ve found that I have been running into repeating situations, and I’m starting to explore if finding a new therapist is going to be helpful.

First of all, I do think I’ve made big progress. I left an abusive relationship that really messed up my nervous system. She helped me with that. I’ve had shorter relationships or just been on a few dates with folks since then. The first one I latched on quickly and put up with yelling, lack of curiosity, and ignored a couple other red flags like him being mean to strangers. After that, I’ve developed an awareness to watch out for things and how to bring them up, and how to leave much earlier if I need to. The thing is, I’ve encountered so many red flags. From ignoring me when I’m sick, to yelling, to getting defensive when I share a feeling (it hurt my feelings when you said x). I just keep finding things that go wrong!

I am aware of my tendency to latch onto chaos but what I’d like to do is stop that pattern and be able to be happy with what’s stable and secure. And on the other end of the spectrum, I’ve met people who are more stable but are maybe fixated on someone else or who don’t really show curiosity towards me. And when that happens I have trouble determining if I’m self sabotaging.

I know there are some logistical things working against me, for example I’m kinda stuck in a more rural location for a bit. But I do think there’s some work I can do to help with things like self trust and being able to not self sabotage. So I’m wondering if maybe a new therapy modality could help, because I’m definitely noticing I’m in a bit of a rut.

So, I’m dating my boyfriend who is a widower. I am not.

I am finding that there are difficult things I’m having to deal with emotionally. I know he’s part of some support groups for him and I’m in some for people dating widowers. Umm, but it feels like there’s very little crossover or way to help both parties see each others perspectives. I know that the groups I’m in do really tend to help me with feeling validated in how difficult things can be. But I’m also worried about an echo chamber effect.

I’m wondering if there are any groups or anything that would be helpful for us?

Given the discussion on cheating starting with small emotional boundaries being broken, I’m wondering what boundaries you guys have in place in your relationships to protect them. And I’m wondering—was this a frank discussion you and your partner had, or something you both would only discuss if one was broken?

My bf is going to an event that I feel very uneasy about, and I’m struggling to think about what kinds of things would help me to feel more comfortable while he’s there. So I’m interested in hearing how this conversation has gone for others.

I’m looking at introducing a little 8 year old girl to ceramics and I’m hoping to find a place where we can either pay to drop in as needed but have access to wheels and all the equipment, or where we can just pay for like a month of open studio membership to do this. I would be there with her helping to show her the ropes, not dropping her off or anything. Is there anything like this in oak Park?

Any leads are appreciated, thank you!

This is something I’ve run into recently and it seems to be a big source of distress for me. I’m hoping to figure out how to change my response.

Sooo…I’ve now dated a couple guys where things felt like they were going well, moving in the right direction, there was consistency and reciprocation in their communication. And then things just changed…there was a huge increase in response time, I’d say things that were flirty or an invitation and they were ignored, warmth turned to curtness. Etc etc etc

Both times I tried to regulate my emotions and not seek reassurance, or to limit that to “hey I’m noticing x is everything ok?” I’d get a positive response but then the distant behavior would continue.

The most recent time, it was so confusing and I was getting conflicting information, and my anxiety welled up. I shared a need (“I’m not getting the communication I need, I want to build emotional intimacy and I’m sad it’s not happening”) and was ignored and eventually I concluded that I’d been ghosted.

I wanted to try to share my unmet need instead of just ending things and I can see I maybe didn’t do it in the best way but yeah.

So like every time I notice a pattern shift, my anxiety gets really big. I feel like I’ve learned it means the end is near. I don’t want to have that response and I don’t want to be so distressed, but also it feels like my body is REALLY good at picking up signals that things have changed, and I don’t want to ignore that either.

Any help is appreciated 😭

I’m trying to process the end of this last dating experience.

So, I was impressed with this man’s initiative in asking me on dates and following up with me quickly after. We had three couple hour long dates over as many weeks and we really didn’t cover much ground topically, but our interactions seemed to be pretty good. I noticed my attraction started growing after the third date, which felt good to me. In the past I’ve had some more immediate explosive attraction and it never ended well. I noticed we didn’t cover much ground as far as talking about each other, goals, etc.

We had a week apart and started building a more flirty /intimate foundation, and I was really excited to see him.

For our last date I visited him for a couple days. We live a few hours away and it made sense. I just felt like while I was there I had such a hard time reading him and I started questioning if he wanted me there. He didn’t reach to hold my hand, he’d sit far away from me on the couch, it was really surreal. It felt like we hadn’t met at all previously.

I brought up feeling nervous because I couldn’t read him… before I left I sat him down and shared that curiosity makes me feel valued, that I feel like I’ve showed a lot of interest in his life but I still feel like I’m a stranger to him. I got the vibe that he was a bit guarded. He did say he doesn’t feel any urgency to cover everything.

The next day, after I got home, things felt off. His texting was fairly sparse, there wasn’t anything connective about it. I felt so confused which was making me anxious. So I texted him and told him that I’m not getting what I need communication wise, that I feel like we’re at a point where I’d like to build emotional intimacy and it feels like it’s not happening, which makes me sad. He simply didn’t respond.

This morning I texted again and I told him I was not trying to break up but given his lack of response I’m guessing he’s wanting that and I wished him well. No response to that either.

I guess I just am so confused what happened. I feel like things started off consistent and felt stable, but by the end I was feeling confused and very unsure of where I stood and how he was feeling.

I just wonder if there’s something I could have done differently here. Once I start to have feelings I do feel attached and I’m very sad. I guess I want to try to learn from this.

i’ve been on a few dates with a man and this past week we had a good couple days together. We have a little bit of distance between us so it made sense to spend a little bit of time together.

During the visit, I did have trouble reading him and I felt like I was showing curiosity towards him and wasn’t getting much of the same in return. I brought some of these concerns up and we had a little bit of chat and I got a little bit of insight into this, and my understanding is that he likes to take things very slow.

For me, it has been enough time where I feel like I would expect our emotional intimacy to start deepening and that just doesn’t seem to be happening. He has also initiated time together quickly after previous dates and I’m not seeing him do that yet, and altogether, I’m feeling a little bit anxious. I’m trying to manage my anxiety, and not ask him for reassurance.

I’m not sure if it would be good for me to try to take the reins on this, but I just communicating, hey I guess I feel a little bit unsure of where you’re feeling about us, or if doing that is going to be like pushy or something. I want to communicate that I’d like to start deepening our emotional intimacy and all of that, but with him not even suggesting a date and having several hours between texts today, I guess I feel like he’s probably on the verge of breaking things off anyway.

Any thoughts on what to do? I deleted my dating app because I figured either this is going to work out with him or I need to take a break for a little while because it’s distressing.

I’ve gone on a couple dates with a man who is a widower. He seems nice and has a lot of good qualities that I like very much. He’s older than anyone I’ve dated which has given me a bit of hesitation, but I think that’s something I’ve been able to be ok with.

I’ve noticed that he will bring his late wife up in conversation a lot—and things are often time-anchored to his wife’s passing. So like x event will have happened one year after passing, and so on. I brought up something with my job today and he tried to relate but it had to do with his late wife.

Things seem to be in context usually, and I understand that a spouse of many years passing is a very different situation than someone getting divorced. With a divorce or other break up I’d be really guarded about frequent mentions of their ex as a sign that they possibly hadn’t processed things yet. But with a widower, I understand that this must be very different.

I wonder i guess how to navigate this. I understand and want to respect their love and think it’s so sweet that they had their love and it makes me so sad that anyone would have their partner taken from them so young. I’m also a little bit worried I think because of my normal pattern recognition of “ex is mentioned a lot, have caution.”

I want to be gotten to know on my own merits and I’m just really so nervous because I haven’t ever done anything like this before.