u/Minimum-Dot-8426

Genuinely scared right now. My mom has been basically forcing me to be completely dependent on her for my entire life- i'm 30 and i have never been away from my mom. she's made it so i can't take care of myself and she's made herself responsible for all my shit. I don't even know how to do basic things to take care of myself. Not because i'm disabled, but because she has disabled me. it's genuinely a gypsy rose type situation and i'm not sure what the fuck to do.

I have no other friends or family and my therapist is paid by her insurance along with everything else.

She's been controlling every aspect of my life, using medications and pills to keep me submissive. I feel scared even typing this right now because she has a way of looking at all of my social media and controls every aspect of my life.

I don't even know what to do right now. I reached out to my therapist but it's a weekend

I wish i could care more but honestly i just kind of wish i was dead. I can't do this anymore. She's ruined my life and she wants to end on a high note. I just dont have any reason to keep fighting, and i don't think it matters because i won't be able to. i bet there are some ways i can be exploited to make some extra cash.

30 years. 30 years of not being loved by anybody. 30 years of people gaslighting me and taking her side. 30 years of being told i'm an invalid. and all of that passivity and trying to be perfect and i got nothing. Nothing but abused.

Last year I tried disclosing the abuse and i was forcibly institutionalized. for trying to talk about what she has said to me, they flagged me for self-harm and suicidal ideation. I have nobody else to reach out to. I don't have anywhere to go. I have, literally, nothing. Even legally, on ssi I am unable to have more than 2k in assets- including cash or material items- at any given time. I am functionally a non-person in the eyes of the state and everybody else.

I don't even know who to reach out to. I legitimately have nobody. She made sure of that.

my life sucks. like, really sucks. i'm not in a safe place. i don't have any friends or access to safe people. i have my casually transphobic parents who abuse me for other reasons and that's it.

I need to stop being me. it's making it too hard to exist when i'm just abused for it. being trans isn't safe. i need to detransition. I already went off t because my mom was abusing me more being sexually inappropriate in speaking to me. and i had no support and had to keep pretending my voice wasn't changing because she would mock me. and mock my body hair and everything about me. And then she praises me when i'm "pretty" to her. soft. I get praise for being a girl but i get abused more for being a boy. So why the fuck would i want to be a boy? the abuse is already to the point where i'm not able to live. my mom loves it when i'm her little girl. i'm her favorite doll and play thing. and she hates men, finds them disgusting and blames them for everything in her life, and will be virulently misandrist.

why can't I just be myself? why is nobody letting me exist?

i'd be lucky if somebody would marry me and help me escape my abusive household. nobody is going to want to do that to a man. or an "it". or whatever the fuck i am. I need to be a woman. i need to be woman to access help or even get it.

i don't want to be trans. I just want to be happy. i can't do both or either. so i'm choosing whatever keeps me alive. and honestly i'm not sure which one that is anymore, i just know i don't get to be trans. That's a privilege i've never been able to have and it was stupid to think i had the choice over my own identity or body. I will always be a girl and I will always exist for others to use. that's my purpose. to be a girl.

i'm going to try harder to be a girl. That's my only option. I'm never escaping this house, this abuse. Everybody wants a girl. So that's what i'm going to be.

nobody will let me transition.

I am so goddamn isolated. my mom and dad have been controlling me for years. my mom is blaming my transness on my disability and she has an obsession with curing every aspect of me that doesn't conform to her will. it's been like this for as long as I remember and i have cptsd. I literally live with a "caretaker" who didn't see a problem with mentioning her desire for filicide due to my disability. Being trans on top of that? it's genuinely not possible. I can't even have basic autonomy. You think i can bind or pack or do anything? every day it's destroying me.

people who are professionals have been trying to help me live a life but they legitimately? quit. Like this has happened several times. My situation is so fucked up. i don't have anybody irl in my corner except my therapist who's telehealth. They're great but, what the fuck can they do? i need a miracle. i need one on one help and attention and care to get me out of this extremely fucked up situation. my mom has sexualized me when finding out about my potential bottom dysphoria and sexualizes my body in other ways. I genuinely can't do this anymore.

I wish I wasn't trans. I tried so hard not to be. my life is already a fucking nightmare. i'm still trying not to be trans though. because I'm not able to be. And i'd rather be miserable and functioning than also miserable and not functioning. it's genuinely impossible. my options are.....just doing what i'm doing. That's all everyone says. They know i just have to keep doing what i'm doing. i'm doing the right things. And i get punished. i'm constantly survailled by my parents and this isn't paranoia- i've had others confirm it to me. in fact, others tell me this is worse than i even believe it is, which makes me spiral even more.

then i'm so isolated and i go online. And everybody fucking hates me and my identity, just like in real life. Something about me is always disgusting and wrong. and i'm not even able to be it. And just the idea that i am is enough to make people hurt me. people are so fucking. cruel and all i need is to be treated like a human. i'm treated like so much worse all the time all i need is somebody to help me so i can help myself.

My transition has been coercive in every step to get me to consent to things like coming out, taking other meds i don't want to, passing (either in the way she wants or as my agab) and every single thing. I can't do it anymore. i'm 31. i'm 31 and this is torture. and every week, sometimes less now, i have a complte. I have less on days than off days. Most of the time, my brain just shuts down entirely. If i'm lucky, it shuts down in a way that allows me to be productive or distract myself. most of the time i'm just not here at all. at least the dysphoria and doubt and self hate isn't either.

just got to suppress it. not much more I can do. when you're living in horror you don't do anything but survive. Transitioning and self-identity are far too much of a luxury. this is just my life. nobody cares, and those that do can't do anything. there's nothing in place for a person as fucked up as I am, and that was before i realized i was trans.

i don't know what to do anymore but this depression can't go away. and since i'm the only one that can help myself i need it to. it's so fucking hard to do anything to help myself when my brain keeps registering all of this as what it actually is: fucked up. deeply fucked up. I envy every single other trans person out there because being trans is the least of my issues. caretaker abuse and being trans? Like, I can't even exist, period, let alone as a trans person. will probably delete later since nobody cares and when they do they just give generic advice i hear all the goddamn time that can't even apply to me, despite trying and maybe it will this time! and it just always makes it literally, worse.I can't be helped. i can't transition either. transition can never happen here. and maybe anywhere.

none of this is coherent. but i don't care it's the only way i get to be seen. I already tried reaching out for help however many times. i can't do it again when each time it made rock bottom even deeper and i'm so low now i can't see how anyone could get out of this.

I haven’t spent more than two whole weeks of my life away from my mom, and they weren’t full weeks or consecutive. She will not let me be apart from her in anyway, she’s even basically created her own personal religion making us the center of it and making it so she always must take care of me.

My dad is useless. I tried to tell my best friend of 2 decades about the abuse and they told their mom who’s friends with my mom and that make it worse. I stopped talking to them when I realized they were also unwilling to help me in anyway and were just making it worse

My mom tells everybody before I’m able to interact with them how foundationally disabled I am and I’m incapable of taking care of myself and how I need her. How pathetic I am. I’m not even that sick- most of my symptoms come from not being actually accommodated and having to do more for her. She ignores me and tells me what my health issues are and puts me on pills that make me sicker. Then blames me because they aren’t covered by insurance because of course they aren’t and they’re super expensive.

I think she technically has munchausens by proxy. But because I also have some medical conditions by default,

My grandma (her mom) died recently, and she’s the reason for the enmeshed relationship she’s forced upon me. So my mom’s behavior has been generally unhinged lately.

This of course makes her feel entitled to take care of me more which makes me more severely depressed. I need help and . I’m having to hide my emotions and everything from her and she’s suspicious again of me trying to get free. I have to coddle her and use all my energy making sure she’s okay- not because I care, but because if I don’t she finds really unique and clever ways to control every aspect of my life out of “worry”- I don’t think it’s worry anymore and even if it is I have anxiety and I’m not a fucking monster because of it.

I have no job, no money, no friends, nothing. I’ve tried to reach out to professional services but I’ve been ignored or told they don’t help my specific issue. I’ve reached out everywhere and they ignore me at best, tell my mom at worst. My social anxiety and depression has been so bad I have even just forcing myself to shower and eat and go to the bathroom. This of course makes her feel entitled to take care of me more which makes me more severely depressed. I need help and . I’m having to hide my emotions and everything from her and she’s suspicious again of me trying to get free. I have to coddle her and use all my energy making sure she’s okay- not because I care, but because if I don’t she finds really unique and clever ways to control every aspect of my life out of “worry”- I don’t think it’s worry anymore and even if it is I have anxiety and I’m not a fucking monster because of it.

Sorry if this doesn’t make sense. I don’t bother to make it make sense because nobody ever listens to me anyway and words just feel pointless

I’m losing my mind right now and I have nobody to talk to and I know I’m going to be here until one of us dies and I know she’s made effort to make sure I’m stuck even after that.

She also stopped going to real therapy which whe went for all of 5 sessions I think and is now doing better help. She keeps being convinced she’s never done anything wrong and she’s perfect and if people don’t like her actions they’re selfish and she’s better than them because they’re projecting. She’s legit insane. Im basically rapunzel and she’s mother gothel. I’m 30 and she hasn’t let me live outside of her for once second. Every good thing she gave me it’s because she needed to feel like a good mother for it.

And my dad to an extent- my dad has a lot of internalized misogyny and is a lazy shit- he's the main reason it took me so long, because for years my mom would compare anything "masculine" as bad and anything "feminine" as good. He doesn't do any housework or handiwork or fucking anything. The closer I am to my dad in any capacity (or in reality, just not like her) she will mock or demoralize it. I'm 31 and I'm disabled and I still live with her and it is hell everyday, and so most days I have entered a state of passive dissociation and haven't been living or interacting with the world around me since....puberty really.

It's cruel and painful.

And then because of being disabled, my mom isolating me from others, all of it- the internet has become my only constant source of social interaction. And yeah- the internet is shit for everybody but also? so deeply hostile.

I want to go out. I want to do things. and right now my dysphoria is so bad after having to wear shorts that are too feminine, not being able to wear a packer because my mom literally will comment and make it weirdly sexual, and being called "she" when I do anything that my mom thinks isn't manly. I don't have money to buy clothes that don't make me dysphoric- i try to buy clothes for men but I'm too curvy, and clothes for women make me literally want to throw up. I haven't spent time outside unless I have to, and even then might not be able to. I don't do anything during summer anymore. I wear PJs every day and lay down, even when I know I can do more. The dysphoria is pretty constant but it mainly just turns

My parents also have a lot of money and spend it on complete bullshit and status symbols. I'm on SSI and can't afford, really anything. I ask for her to pay for some things and she always agrees but then I show her what I want and she ends up buying me some underwear that aren't "panties" are apparently too expensive. She will buy me whatever I want/need, as long as its girl-coded. She will withhold money for anything that isn't girl coded (or something she can personally girl-code, which is just literally anything she doesn't like. and she's a neoliberal catholic so it's really anything that isn't mainstream). She straight up will go online and search "women's ____". I have a fucking pink toolbox she bought me. Fucking pink. Because it's a "girl's toolbox". The issue isn't that it's pink, it's that it's supposed to signal femininity.

I'm slowly fading in this house and i feel like there's nothing left to me. Between managing both my parents, between not being myself, between my illnesses....

"what would others think? I'm just trying to protect you" she puts so much poison in my head that has made me hate every single aspect of myself that isn't just to the point where I am her. That's all i am and will ever be able to be. And nobody has the resources or wants to help me move out and have even blamed me for being too lazy to do so when again, I have literally no fucking money. No energy. No time. I have nothing, and the things I do have my mom has embedded herself into in quite literally every single possible way. It makes me so sick mentally and physically. Even typing this. But i'll repress it again and just get back to it all. because I have no option but to just keep going. it's all I have. and all I will ever have at this point. I feel so sick mentally and this happens on cycle every week. That's as long as i can manage it anymore then i have a breakdown and build myself up again. It's not sustainable and I don't know what to do anymore

I am under the assumption that transsexual was an older and more outdated term to refer to transgender identity, now being adopted by transmeds and people who believe you have to medically transition in order to be trans.

I socially identify and feel I am nonbinary, but I also have male-centric sex dysphoria. Saying I'm a trans man doesn't feel right, and trans male feels kind of wrong because top surgery and hormones don't give me a y chromosome. The idea of phalloplasty and a "full transition" that I see transmeds talk about makes me dysphoric (especially because bottom surgery just isn't going to give me what I actually need + a ton of complications, healing, tattoo where the skin graft site would be, etc). I feel like I'm nonbinary, but I wish I were amab and desire to be androgynous, just not as a female or "woman".

I don't think people need to physically transition to be trans, but there should at least be a social transition. I always felt as though trans as social identity vs trans as physical embodiment should be treated as separate (but often correlated) things- kind of like sexual vs romantic attraction. I fully believe people can be transgender without physical dysphoria, but do need a form of incongruence with their imposed or presumed socially gendered identity. I know there are people who identify as trans, get surgeries, then realize they aren't trans and they simply feel comfortable as a man with a vagina or a woman with a low voice and no breasts. In my perspective, that's proof that being trans "sex" is different than being trans "gender", and physical dysphoria and social dysphoria are separate. After all, if gender and sex are different, they don't have to be the same. But I don't know if that's how other people use the word "transsexual".

I also don't know if this makes me truscum. I don't identify with tucutes or radqueers but I think that it's kind of hard to tell what other people are feeling and that dysphoria and incongruence are kind of synonymous and present in different ways to different people. But simply wanting to be or "choosing" to be trans isn't a thing, and saying it is is pretty offensive and harmful.