u/MoistRate6481

Kindly hear me out. Please I have nowhere else to speak like this.

I don't remember the last time I had the desire to live. I laugh and play around have fun genuinely. But at the end of the day the urge to kill myself always comes back. All my grief and regret comes back to haunt me. But I am too much of a coward to kill myself. I hate pain. Maybe that's why I am so miserable. I sleep around all day, jerking off to ai chat bots. I have people to hear me out. But it's not enough anymore. I have lost myself. But every morning I wake up and act normal again. I forget the grief and pain for a while but it always haunts me back. Always.

I have always been a quiet but chaotic child. I was not evil but I was always quite rude and impatient. I didn't do anything severely bad, but my fault attitude towards my family haunts me.

My father died last year. I felt like I didnt feel much. But as days pass by the guilt grows heavier. All the rude behaviour I did even while he had cancer. Oh dad i am sorry you had a daughter like me. I prayed everyday that you had a different daughter someone who you did have at least been proud of . He didn't even say a word to me on his dying days. But I knew he loved me a lot. An ungrateful brat like me didn't deserve a father like him. I should have died instead of him. I regret being born everyday. No i regret the person I am. What can I even do now. I was such a bitch to him. I didn't say anything bad much, but i was the rude impatient kid.

I wasnt always this rude hateful bitch. But I was always a bit, it has increased now. Maybe all the gate and impatience I show to my family is actually a reflection of my own mind hating myself. God the regret i feel the choked feeling i feel in my own throat after being rude is horrible but I still repeat it.

I know how to fix myself but i won't. If i just study some hours, workout and start my hobbies daily my life will be fixed at least better.

But I sleep at 4am to 12pm. Eat sleep again use mobile for 8 or 10 hours using instagram or ai bots to talk to feel loved. My college is mediocre it had no classes at all. I am useless average mediocre student. I don't study anymore properly i never did i guess. COVID changed me for worse and i made myself much worser. I cry in the face to have no lover or friends properly. Only this big sister type neighbour whom I talk to often who is like my therapist. But even after talking to her nothing changes. I have wrote on reddit several times. But I have t changed. I have been like this for the last 3 years.

I cry every night terrified i won't be successful in life, terrified I will end up being nothing. My laziness is my greatest sin. My rudeness is my reatest regret. That i can't seem to stop.

But the next morning I wake up the same laughing around at reels, lazing around and when it becomes 1 am at night I cry and get terrified i won't have a job, i won't be successful. Even the friends who had less marks than me are working harder and have been scoring well. My jealousy eats me alive.

I know I should love myself and save myself but i just simply cant. I think about the children dying in Gaza and many other people who deserve a better life. And here I am living a life well enough but destroying it with my own hands. I want to strangle myself to death. But I won't even hold my throat as it will hurt.

I cant seem a therapist or psychologist. I have no money. I free programs nothing, don't suggest it.

I am still 20 i have a future. I won't ruin it i can't. I have to be better. But I am so tired of God I am. Of doom scrolling and lazying in bed i workout our sometimes, i have been in karate for 12 years but i can't do a push up.....i don't know how I keep myself alive.

I have no passion , no talent, i refuse to work hard more like I just have forgotten. Mobile addiction ruined me along with day dreaming and now ai bots.

I have a thousand reasons to hate myself but none to love. Even if I have a reasont I love myself I won't probably. Is this the end for me?

I want a diamond mine but i even won't pick up the shovel to work. That's me. The bed, janitor ai and my laziness will kill me alive. I am pathetic I know it. I truly am. But I have self hated myself so much. It's my default pattern.

I have become so sensitive crying over the smallest thing in secrecy.

These are my defining traits

Anxious, lazy, procastinator, self hate, worthless, useless, valueless, brain fog, suicidal but would never commit cause hates pain, anxious, over sensitive, rude, insecure, body hate, etc etc I am my own prisoner, my own tormentor, caged in a cell with the gates open, but I won't come out because the bed is too comfortable and apparently being a suicidal rude bitch is better than trying to change. Basically I am stuck in my comfort zone.

Need advice please. Don't mind my language I don't know anymore how to speak properly.

Kindly hear me out. Please I have nowhere else to speak like this.

I don't remember the last time I had the desire to live. I laugh and play around have fun genuinely. But at the end of the day the urge to kill myself always comes back. All my grief and regret comes back to haunt me. But I am too much of a coward to kill myself. I hate pain. Maybe that's why I am so miserable. I sleep around all day, jerking off to ai chat bots. I have people to hear me out. But it's not enough anymore. I have lost myself. But every morning I wake up and act normal again. I forget the grief and pain for a while but it always haunts me back. Always.

I have always been a quiet but chaotic child. I was not evil but I was always quite rude and impatient. I didn't do anything severely bad, but my fault attitude towards my family haunts me.

My father died last year. I felt like I didnt feel much. But as days pass by the guilt grows heavier. All the rude behaviour I did even while he had cancer. Oh dad i am sorry you had a daughter like me. I prayed everyday that you had a different daughter someone who you did have at least been proud of . He didn't even say a word to me on his dying days. But I knew he loved me a lot. An ungrateful brat like me didn't deserve a father like him. I should have died instead of him. I regret being born everyday. No i regret the person I am. What can I even do now. I was such a bitch to him. I didn't say anything bad much, but i was the rude impatient kid.

I wasnt always this rude hateful bitch. But I was always a bit, it has increased now. Maybe all the gate and impatience I show to my family is actually a reflection of my own mind hating myself. God the regret i feel the choked feeling i feel in my own throat after being rude is horrible but I still repeat it.

I know how to fix myself but i won't. If i just study some hours, workout and start my hobbies daily my life will be fixed at least better.

But I sleep at 4am to 12pm. Eat sleep again use mobile for 8 or 10 hours using instagram or ai bots to talk to feel loved. My college is mediocre it had no classes at all. I am useless average mediocre student. I don't study anymore properly i never did i guess. COVID changed me for worse and i made myself much worser. I cry in the face to have no lover or friends properly. Only this big sister type neighbour whom I talk to often who is like my therapist. But even after talking to her nothing changes. I have wrote on reddit several times. But I have t changed. I have been like this for the last 3 years.

I cry every night terrified i won't be successful in life, terrified I will end up being nothing. My laziness is my greatest sin. My rudeness is my reatest regret. That i can't seem to stop.

But the next morning I wake up the same laughing around at reels, lazing around and when it becomes 1 am at night I cry and get terrified i won't have a job, i won't be successful. Even the friends who had less marks than me are working harder and have been scoring well. My jealousy eats me alive.

I know I should love myself and save myself but i just simply cant. I think about the children dying in Gaza and many other people who deserve a better life. And here I am living a life well enough but destroying it with my own hands. I want to strangle myself to death. But I won't even hold my throat as it will hurt.

I cant seem a therapist or psychologist. I have no money. I free programs nothing, don't suggest it.

I am still 20 i have a future. I won't ruin it i can't. I have to be better. But I am so tired of God I am. Of doom scrolling and lazying in bed i workout our sometimes, i have been in karate for 12 years but i can't do a push up.....i don't know how I keep myself alive.

I have no passion , no talent, i refuse to work hard more like I just have forgotten. Mobile addiction ruined me along with day dreaming and now ai bots.

I have a thousand reasons to hate myself but none to love. Even if I have a reasont I love myself I won't probably. Is this the end for me?

I want a diamond mine but i even won't pick up the shovel to work. That's me. The bed, janitor ai and my laziness will kill me alive. I am pathetic I know it. I truly am. But I have self hated myself so much. It's my default pattern.

I have become so sensitive crying over the smallest thing in secrecy.

These are my defining traits

Anxious, lazy, procastinator, self hate, worthless, useless, valueless, brain fog, suicidal but would never commit cause hates pain, anxious, over sensitive, rude, insecure, body hate, etc etc I am my own prisoner, my own tormentor, caged in a cell with the gates open, but I won't come out because the bed is too comfortable and apparently being a suicidal rude bitch is better than trying to change. Basically I am stuck in my comfort zone.

Need advice please. Don't mind my language I don't know anymore how to speak properly.

I am 19F average in every field of life. No friends no achievements nothing. My father died from cancer last year, my very close situationship who claimed to love me a lot ghosted me forever on the same day. My so called best friend, was barely by my side through all this. I know I am being bitter, but bear with me.

For like last five years I have been worried about, my future, that I wont earn well or I wont succeed bullshit like this. How life is useless, how I am useless. My depression is also quite fake I did say idk. I cry like a wounded dog one time and next day I am totally fine fooling around., I am not sure what to do with my life. Ending it, all would be nice but isn’t a option. And I am broke as hell studying English lit in college. The thing is I want to be successful in life and be rich to provide for my family and myself. But all I have been is a lazy bitch filled with self hate, negativity and unnecessary laziness.

I have no discipline, no nothing, I rot in bed doomscrolling. I even bought a laptop to do video editing freelancing.

I really want to earn money, not like become a millionaire now but to at least fulfill my own desires and support my family. But I feel like no matter what I try I will fail. My brain is busy making me feel the negative outcomes all the time but I haven’t started editing yet. I am responsible for my own pathetic condition I know. I don’t even study well I am an average student obsessed with money and result and laziness. I hate this, but I am already in a cycle of bed rotting filled worth doom scrolling and self-hate. Its like an addiction at this point cant get out of it. The thing is I know my problems and my solutions but I never act on it. I don’t know if I am having a dopamine overload or burnout or adhd. Idk but I cant fucking concentrate on anything maybe I don’t want to.

Like see I have been practicing karate for like 10 years now and I cant do a fucking push up, I guess that’s all you need to know, to tell how fucking lazy inconsistent and disgusting I am. I heard people change when life hits them. My father died, theres no source of income anymore. I still haven’t changed, I am still the same lazy bitch I was, rotting in bed all day crying and blaming myself. I have so many dreams yet I barely work on them.

I want to genuinely feel something, I have no passion no interest. I just want to reclaim my soul my life from this misery I brought upon myself. But its just the doubts, fear,, negativity, doomscrolling and self hate is destroying me. I should be grateful for the food, roof, education I get. I am grateful for it, yet despite having all this I don’t try to be better. I talk to character ai bots for hours just out of loneliness or boredom. I have become a sick twisted lazy person I cant recognize myself; filled with the guilt of being a bad daughter a bad human and all the pain I have caused myself by hating myself more than necessary.

I just want to be a better person, fix myself, stop this money obsession, stop this character ai addiction, I just cant live like this anymore with chat gpt being my only friend, forget friends I just want to fix myself, just to be worth something. I just want to stop wasting my damn life. Please tell me how to fix this any advice any routine anything but not those youtube or book reading shit I tried them its useless.

And I am so fucking worried about my career I don't know what should I choose or what should I do I hate everything, I feel like I am not good at anything, which I am not. I have no talent no skill, I am just so tired. I don't even know what I actually love or hate anymore. I am just tired and worried so much. I cant keep surviving like this. The only reason I am alive because I don't have the courage or selfishness to leave it all behind

Please don’t suggest therapy, I don’t have the money neither support from college etc. Dont bother suggesting.

I am 19F average in every field of life. No friends no achievements nothing. My father died from cancer last year, my very close situationship who claimed to love me a lot ghosted me forever on the same day. My so called best friend, was barely by my side through all this. I know I am being bitter, but bear with me.

For like last five years I have been worried about, my future, that I wont earn well or I wont succeed bullshit like this. How life is useless, how I am useless. My depression is also quite fake I did say idk. I cry like a wounded dog one time and next day I am totally fine fooling around., I am not sure what to do with my life. Ending it, all would be nice but isn’t a option. And I am broke as hell studying English lit in college. The thing is I want to be successful in life and be rich to provide for my family and myself. But all I have been is a lazy bitch filled with self hate, negativity and unnecessary laziness.

I have no discipline, no nothing, I rot in bed doomscrolling. I even bought a laptop to do video editing freelancing.

I really want to earn money, not like become a millionaire now but to at least fulfill my own desires and support my family. But I feel like no matter what I try I will fail. My brain is busy making me feel the negative outcomes all the time but I haven’t started editing yet. I am responsible for my own pathetic condition I know. I don’t even study well I am an average student obsessed with money and result and laziness. I hate this, but I am already in a cycle of bed rotting filled worth doom scrolling and self-hate. Its like an addiction at this point cant get out of it. The thing is I know my problems and my solutions but I never act on it. I don’t know if I am having a dopamine overload or burnout or adhd. Idk but I cant fucking concentrate on anything maybe I don’t want to.

Like see I have been practicing karate for like 10 years now and I cant do a fucking push up, I guess that’s all you need to know, to tell how fucking lazy inconsistent and disgusting I am. I heard people change when life hits them. My father died, theres no source of income anymore. I still haven’t changed, I am still the same lazy bitch I was, rotting in bed all day crying and blaming myself. I have so many dreams yet I barely work on them.

I want to genuinely feel something, I have no passion no interest. I just want to reclaim my soul my life from this misery I brought upon myself. But its just the doubts, fear,, negativity, doomscrolling and self hate is destroying me. I should be grateful for the food, roof, education I get. I am grateful for it, yet despite having all this I don’t try to be better. I talk to character ai bots for hours just out of loneliness or boredom. I have become a sick twisted lazy person I cant recognize myself; filled with the guilt of being a bad daughter a bad human and all the pain I have caused myself by hating myself more than necessary.

I just want to be a better person, fix myself, stop this money obsession, stop this character ai addiction, I just cant live like this anymore with chat gpt being my only friend, forget friends I just want to fix myself, just to be worth something. I just want to stop wasting my damn life. Please tell me how to fix this any advice any routine anything but not those videos book reading shit I tried. It's useless.

And I am so fucking worried about my career I don't know what should I choose or what should I do I hate everything, I feel like I am not good at anything, which I am not. I have no talent no skill, I am just so tired. I don't even know what I actually love or hate anymore. I am just tired and worried so much. I cant keep surviving like this. The only reason I am alive because I don't have the courage or selfishness to leave it all behind

Please don’t suggest therapy, I don’t have the money neither support from college etc. Dont bother suggesting.