u/Motor-Row9749

yes I get better treatment,yes new friendships are easier for me,yes people are nicer,yes I get free things but guess fucking what I feel absolutely DEAD inside im a horrible person and I feel so much guilt and anxiety daily.If I could trade lives with someone who is ugly but has peace of mind right now I absolutely fucking would.This is not to say the cliche “ looks don’t matter “ bc yes society is kinder to you when you’re pretty but it doesn’t and will never magically fix all your problems ,if your internal world is fucked a pretty face won’t fix that.I understand the struggle,I have been the ugly one in my friendgroup all throughout high school,I didn’t date or was approached by anyone in my teen years but I’d rather have being ugly as my only problem instead of the hell im going through.

i had managed to briefly fall asleep on my couch and i kinda woke up to a disturbing image??and the minutes between being half awake and then waking up I felt 0 disgust towards it and then when i kinda realized what was happening i felt some disgust and then panick bc NOW IM CONVINCED I WAS ATTRACTED AND THAT IM “FAKING” MY DISGUST WHEN IM AWAKE AND I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ,I DONT want any reassurance I know it makes it worse but I’m actually in so much dispair righr now it feels like this is the final evidence that I am a horrible person I am chugging ice cream to cope and now I feel even worse my ocd has made me so fat as well.WHAT DO I DO HOW DO I ACCEPT THE UNCERTAINTY WHEN IM IN SO MUCH PANICK I JUST WANNA SLEEP PEACEFULY

when I try to stop giving my thoughts importance and stop ruminating on them or replaying them I always get this deep anxious feeling like something is horribly wrong and it always feels like I’m not and never gonna heal because I “can’t just move on if I’m a horrible person“ and iliterally don’t know how to deal with it and always end up replaying the thoughts. Do I just sit with the anxiety?How do I stop myself from ruminating it’s so hard.This is pocd related so if someone who has gone through it/gotten better has any advice it’d be so appreciated

I think the only way I could continue on happily right now is if my memory got literally erased and I was unable to remember my spiral and the content of it.While I do wish I could live a happy and peaceful life I don’t think it’s possible for me right now,I feel like my desire to keep going is only my imagination of what my life would be like if this never happened and so I don’t know how to keep going.I think that’s why I’m not even taking the steps to help myself and resist the compulsions and sit with the uncertainty or seek therapy bc at the end of the day i dont find the point in it,I don’t necessarily wish I could die but i dont have the desire to live either i dont know im so stuck

Can intrusive thoughts be urges or commands?I was sat next to a girl at the bus and my mind went “you wanna sexually harass her” and then I kept fighting myself about it and saying “no I don’t” and I started panicking and then I started panicking that I might do it but I did NOT WANNA DO IT OMG but it felt like an urge at the moment but it goes so against my morals and I’m so confused does this mean i actually wanted to do it?Im a girl and I don’t even like girls

How do I know wether I’m under spiritual attack or wether I’m actually becoming a bad person?At first I thought it was the devil attacking my deepest values but after 3 weeks of this I’m convinced I’ve became a horrible person.Before this the thought that I might be what my mind is telling I am didn’t even cross my mind and I’m 20.But now it all feels so real,are these lies from the devil?Theres always something in me that wants to fight against the accusations and the thoughts but I think I’m becoming weaker,not in a way that I’m accepting it but in a way that I feel like giving up.Ive prayed to God everyday to take these thoughts away for 3 weeks now and it only keeps getting worse I know that God is not a genie but I feel hopeless.Youd think 3 weeks of internal torture that convinces me I’m the worst of the worst would be enough I mean it’s not helpful in my relationship with God at all it pushes me away so why is He allowing this?Its not some sort of temptation that God is testing me not to fall into because my thoughts are no my urges or desires so why is this happening.Im tired of living like this,I’ve asked Him to take me away and that isn’t happening either.

I’ve been going through a POCD spiral and today to make myself feel better I went on the ocd meme subreddit and searched “pocd” on the search bar,after reading a couple posts I went to the media tab to see some memes and I saw at the very top a post tagged “nsfw” and I had this thought “wait I hope I don’t stumble upon illegal content here” and then I got anxious but then kinda realized it was a stupid thought since it’s a mainstream subreddit and then I continued scrolling and clicking and I couldn’t find anything that was extremely relatable and then I happened to stumble upon an nsfw tag and clicked it and then clicked away.After a few minutes my mind went “you clicked it because you wanted to see such content and you clicked away because it wasn’t what you were expecting” and now I cannot tell wether that was my intention or not I mean I don’t remember loudly thinking “I’m clicking on this for this reason” but maybe it was a subconscious intention and the fact that I clicked away fast when I saw it was just text is confirming this even more and I’m panicking.The thing is I went back to check the nsfw tag I had clicked and it was a meme I had seen before so I cannot remember if I clicked off of it for that reason or if i didn’t even read it and was “dissapointed” it was just text .And this event happened only a few minutes ago yet my memory is so unclear of it and now I can’t tell.And this goes so against me because I remember seeing people admit they searched for that type of content to check themselves and I said I’d never do that no matter how deep in pocd I am bc I’d never wanna re that type of content but if that was my subconscious intention then I’m a monster.Am I?

Please I really need some motivation right now I feel like I keep getting dug deeper into this hole.Has pocd convinced you of false attraction and how did you overcome it?Do you look back on it now and realize it was stupid?Does it ever fully go away?

I have pocd and my biggest fear is starting to feel more real as each day passes,now the attraction feels so real it makes me wanna give up.Usually my spirals last 2 weeks max but im going on the 4th week with this one and I’ve lost all hope about myself.I think I’ve actually became a bad person now and theres no turning back and I’d rather be gone than be a bad person and no I can’t just accept myself as it.If anyone has any personal pocd recovery expierence to share or some words of encouragement it would help a lot.

My room is a total mess,my clothes are all on my chair,I haven’t changed my sheets in long and there’s constantly things on the floor like socks,earrings,tissues.I have 0 desire to care about anything else other than my spiral,all I do is sit in my phone and seek reassurance from AI.I have to put on some type of calming music 24/7 or I cannot even sit in bed without anxiety.I don’t remember what I do or where I left stuff because I’m so consumed by my own mind,I’ll be getting ready for somewhere pick out my clothes and forget where I left them,then I pick out new clothes and the cycle repeats.I have little desire to heal since I’m practically convinced ive become a bad person. I’m so jealous of everyone else for having peace of mind and I don’t understand why this had to happen to me.I was so excited for this summer and it has been nothing but hell.I like to look at pictures of myself before this started and I feel some type of comfort and grief for the girl I used to be and I will never get her back.I had started a poster wall project where I wanted to fill my room with handdawn posters and haven’t been able to finish a single one bc I feel like they will be “tainted” by my ocd.I just wanna give up but I’m too scared to even for that.

It has gotten quite severe,everytime I feel even a little happy or excited an intrusive image will come up and ruin it or I’ll be listening to a song that I genuinely enjoy or that makes me reminisce and an image of a kid will pop up and ruin it and it will try to convince me I was relating the lyrics or the vibe of the music to the kid.And its starting to become even more convincing as time passes even If the arguments my mind makes make 0 sense.And then I’ll try to replace it with the image of someone I’m actually attracted to but that doesn’t work either.Ive seen people say I have to sit with the discomfort and uncertainty but i tell myself that everytime and then I keep thinking about it and analyzing it and ruminating on it does sitting with it meaning allowing all my thoughts to come in?

The deeper I get into my spiral the more non sensical the thoughts and conclusions my mind makes become it’s as if I have 50 tabs open at the same time but it also somehow makes sense TO ME enough to make me panick but when I try to explain them in real life I literally can’t bc they can’t even be put into words at this point and when I try to analyze them I cant because I dont even understand what I’m visualizing or trying to achieve here.And I don’t know what final boss stage of ocd I’ve reached but it’s definitely not a good one.What do I do??Ive tried to tell myself ”ok now we will sit with uncertainty“ but I actually can’t like I CANT

I have p ocd and this video with a kid in it (looked about 12 idk)came up and then I immidiatelly skipped it but panicked and went back to “check” myself and then I started panicking again and then I saw a video of Olivia rodrigo singing “I wish I wish you loved me less” and then the kid came to mind while she was singing that idfk why??and its convincing me I was attracted to that and I don’t know if I was because I think I felt attracted for 3 seconds but I’m not even sure??but then I started panicking and now I keep thinking back to it and it gets worse each time how do I stop this I need to sleep I have work tommorow and I can’t

I have p ocd and it makes me avoid children or anything related and I literally just skipped a video of an ai potato family where they had a potato kid because I got scared that I might be attracted to it. This is actually insane and even though I realize how absurd this is I’m scared to watch it still.

I’ve had this fear since I was a kid and it ended up with me in the hospital and it never went away since then,it happens whenever I swallow and I can “feel” the food not having gone down perfectly but I can still breathe.Most people around me just sit with the discomfort of it until it passes but i literally CANT.I start having a panick attack thinking my throat is slowly gonna completely clog and then I start throwing up so it goes away while praying (not sure if this is considered a complusion).Now I have safe and non safe foods for this and whenever I eat something “high risk” like steak I take incredibly small bites and drink a sip of water in between every 2-3 bites to “check” if it goes down perfectly.Eating out in public makes me anxious and this has happened in public before and it was a disaster and so so embarrassing.Everytime it happens I try to convince myself it’s nothing but it won’t work bc I can LITERALLY feel a huge knot in my throat and last time I tried talking to my friend casually through it and it prevented me from being able to speak comfortably and that made me panick even more.What are some ways I can deal with this?

When my pocd gets triggered around someone and it’s trying to convince me I’m attracted to a younger girl it almost makes me visualize myself as a man trying not to get “turned on” and it makes me think of myself as that I’m a WOMAN and I don’t even like girls this gets triggered especially when someone is wearing shorts but i think it’s bc I know how society sexualizes shorts but I’m not the one who actually feels that way it’s literally getting me into the perspective of a creep and it makes me sick to my stomach.

I tried telling my mom about my pocd and it didn’t help at all it helped at first but then she would get mad at me for still being in it because “she told me what to do and I don’t listen” as if it’s that fucking easy she basically told me to say “that’s not me” and stop analyzing it and that it’s the devil coming for me and then I felt extra guilt for not praying right enough she said I don’t trust God enough because I keep going on here and talking to Ai about it and that’s why I’m feeling helpless and she says i “wanna feel like this and I like feeling like this” bc I can’t move on from it and that she has no pity for me when I could help myself with the ways she told me to and I don’t .She also just says I should’ve grewn up in a country with war and starvation to get “real problems” and constantly invalidates how I feel.She will see me pacing anxiously or looking off to the void zoned out and ask what’s wrong but then she won’t listen and get mad that I still feel like this and that she doesn’t wanna hear it?Then why fucking ask me what’s wrong.And on top of all whenever she would give me advice she just yells at me which makes my anxiety 10x worse.Everyone just views this as a problem I can so easily get out of I don’t think anyone understands at all.

I’ve been dealing with a false sense of attraction and I think I just realized it’s a combination of how I think creeps view the world through everything I’ve watched or heard about but it doesn’t represent my feelings.Ive been worried that I was attracted to a girl wearing shorts and I realized what was fuelling that is that when I was her age(12) my mom prohibited me from wearing shorts bc of creepy men or she would tell me not to eat lollipops a certain way bc of it and I also had many experiences where unfortunately I got hit on by them and so I was kinda forced to view things from their perspective and now with the whole pocd spiral this has arised and has made me believe IM the one who views her that way when up until now all I felt towards girls her age was a sense of big sister protective energy.I hope this makes sense and helps someone because it has helped me

I don’t get how everyone says I have to “sit with uncertainty” how am I supposed to accept that i may be a horrible person but it’s okay?and where does this get me?if I do it long enough will I finally get some clarity ?This confuses me bc I can never tell what people mean when they say it and how it’s supposed to help

I had an intrusive image and I’m convinced i was attracted to it for a split second or that I found it cute or pleasurable for 3 seconds before I got disgusted and that my disgust is “performative” and this isn’t related to any groinal responses.Can that feeling of “attraction” be something else and I’m mislabeling it?Is my mind using any feeling I have against me?I guess my question is has pocd fully convinced anyone they’re fully attracted before but they realized they weren’t when the spiral ended?Im panicking right now i really don’t wanna be attracted to that and I’m not but idfk maybe it’s bc I think the kid is cute and I’m relating it in that way??I know I’m supposed to sit with uncertainty but I really can’t