u/Motor-Row9749

I decided to take a nap to escape my sexual intrusive thoughts and they showed up even in my dream and in my dream i literally got aroused by something so disgusting and I woke up in panick.What the fuck is this ?!?!This confirms my theory that theres some alternate self of me that could enjoy that shit.I don’t know how to deal with this

Im 20 and my mom still makes a big deal on what time I come home at night,ofc I don’t listen to her and do whatever I want but that leads to more arguments.These past two months I’ve been going home later than usual bc I’ve started going on dates with a guy and everytime I come home it just gets fucking ruined for me,it’s so exhausting coming home after a nice date to screaming and fighting just bc my mom can’t realize I’m not 15 anymore and she can’t control where I go and what I do.She keeps saying that a “proper girl wouldn’t come home this late“ and that I’m “going towards dark paths“ as if I’m out doing drugs or something daily.On top of that she blames my dad all the time bc he “doesn’t set boundaries with me” as if I’m a fucking teenager.And just now I came home late again and we bickered and dad literally just left the house in the middle of the night angry bc he said he “can’t stand it anymore” and I don’t know where he is he doesn’t even have a phone and it’s 5 am. I had such a great time at my date just for it to get ruined again. I’m so done with this.

Im not sure if this is healthy but whenever my pocd gets way too bad I start just looking at pics before this whole thing started and I kind of go back to how my mind worked back then,how my daily life used to be,what was important to me and I just miss is so so much.I was going to the gym daily was at peace,healthy I was seeing my bsf every day I was such a normal girl what happened to me.I also like to reminisce on middle school,I started playing songs I loved back then and it felt like such a relief to go back for a moment i had such high hopes for myself back then if she saw how I turned out she’d be extremely dissapointed.Will I ever go back to normal?it has been 3 months of this it feels if there’s no way out,usually my ocd obssesions last max a month so this has made me feel so hopeless.

I used to masturbate a lot it was an addiction,I’ve made a conscious decision to stop when I turned 20 and I haven’t for 3 months now but I keep thinking back to my habits back then and feeling guilt but now I just remembered something and I don’t know how to live with it.I used to search up “what was your first time like” on google and read people’s experiences bc I’ve never had a first time and the concept of a first time “turned me on” and I would use them to masturbate bc I didn’t wanna watch actual nsfw content but I just remembered a lot of them would mention how they were minors when it happened and I’d js brush it off and still do it…I never actually imagined anything in my head or actual people but what the fuck why did it not fucking bother me back then when they’d mention the age,I feel absolutely disgusting and I’m panicking I feel like I deserve to die for this what do I do I can’t accept myself.

I feel like I genuinely can’t enjoy my dates because I constantly feel like I’m being performative 24/7.Even when im just being myself I feel that way as if everything im doing or saying is fake or only something that i subconsciously know the guy will like but at the same time I don’t know how to not be that way or if its just me overthinking things. It feels like everything he likes about me is fake and that if he knows me more he won’t like me but at the same time a lot of things he likes are truly just my personality.I don’t even know how to describe it,I think he likes the idea of me but I also like the idea of me more than who I actually am. Best way I can describe it is it feels as if I’m unintentionally following the script of a female lead in a romance movie.Has anyone else felt this way or am I just overanalyzing this way too much.

It’s not pocd anymore this has been going on for 2+ months already,I used to be so normal and I’m not anymore I think I’ve managed to think myself into becoming my worst fear and it’s not just ocd it used to be but it’s not anymore ive thought myself into being attracted and I can’t go back now and I don’t wanna accept that I’m my worst fear but “it’s okay because i havent done anything“ idc it’s the worst thing one can be and now I am one.I don’t think there’s any reason for me to keep going I mean even if I continue my life and I get into a relationship no one wants to be with a pdo.I don’t know what to do I just wanna dissapea.

I dont think I’m ever gonna have my first kiss even though I really want to every time I get the chance to I don’t because I have this exact idea of how it’s supposed to look and feel like and it’s so perfect and I don’t want it to be ruined,it genuinely feels like if I have a first kiss I dislike my whole life perception will be ruined I don’t know how to describe it and everyone tells me the first kiss is usually kind of akward bc you’re not sure what to do and i don’t know how to be okay with that like i cant accept that it might not be perfect,I know I’m supposed to accept the uncertainty but even when I try to if I have the chance to kiss someone I never do bc I always hesitate for this exact reason and I think I’m ALWAYS gonna hesitate what do I do

I don’t know if anyone else has had this but with the workplace I’ve entered now (I’m 20) I get a lot of men in their 50s and 60s hitting on me and being absolute creeps and i dont defend myself or show my dislike bc my mind will go “well you’re worse than them you’re an actual pdo you deserve this“ it feels like “karma“ for my thoughts as if it’s happening to me because I’m a horrible person.I don’t like this and I don’t like how I’m being treated by them but I feel too guilty to stand up bc then it’s like “you’re not accepting your punishment“.

my pocd has become a nightmare to the point I’m fr questioning if it’s pocd anymore or not.When it started it was disturbing images and that alone was hell but once the question “wait what if I’m attracted“ came up in my mind it has been HORRIBLE and I cannot tell wether I’m actually attracted or not because the attraction feels so fucking real sometimes.I cannot tell the difference between thinking a kid is pretty or cute and actually being attracted anymore when it used to be so clear before all this started.Ive researched EVERYTHING regarding actual pedophiles and I’m just so fucking confused bc I have 0 urge or want to actually ever pursue one and it’s not like I’m holding myself back I GENUINELY don’t want to,I’ve always imagined myself married to a grown man and having a family it had never crossed my mind or been a dream of mine to go after something so disgusting and I was the first person to very harshly criticize pedos so who the fuck am I anymore. I don’t know if my fucked up ocd mind is confusing what I like in grown men and projecting that onto kids to convince me it’s the same,I literally don’t know.And then it’s even worse bc it’s very clear to me that I have absolutely 0 attraction to younger kids but my mind always gets stuck on “older ones” like 12-13 (WHICH IS STILL FUCKING DISGUSTING) and so then it’s like “oh so you have a type you prefer those ages” and it’s like if one of them is taller than me or looks more “grown” my mind will try to convince me I’m attracted AND IT FEELS SO FUCKING REAL but at the same time I know I’d never actually want to do it like their age absolutely repulses me but then my mind will go “oh well their age does but you still are attracted to their appearance” .Or if I see one and panick bc I think I’m attracted and then after ruminating on it and replaying the moment I reach the conclusion that I’m not my mind will go “well you were attracted at the moment now you’ve just replayed it so much you can’t tell“ and that feels like a real possibility bc after a few minutes the memory of them gets blurry and I can barely remember how they looked anymore bc usually I just glance for a second or with the side of my eye to “check” how I feel but I’m too scared to do it full on bc I know that will trigger an even worse spiral.I just know that no matter if I think a kid is objectively “good looking“ (I hate even saying that bc before all this I wasn’t even evaluating anyone that way I just didn’t car) their age still absolutely repulses me so what the fuck is this.I don’t know how to stop this spiral bc if I try to ignore it there’s a constant voice in my head saying “why are you enjoying anything in your life right now this is more important if you’re a pdo your life is worth less dont focus on it” and yeah I literally don’t know what to do I truly don’t.I wish I had some way to forget everything and erase all my thoughts.

I experienced an event earlier at work and a disturbing image came up in my mind involving the subject of my ocd and I was convinced I was attracted to it the exact moment it came up which led to me panicking and it’s been all I can think about since then I really can’t think straight the panick has sort of gone away but still ruminating over and over again and replaying the image to check how I feel. It doesn’t help that the image was vivid as fuck it felt like it really was happening and that makes me feel even more horrible bc I feel so disgusting for it.The attraction felt so undeniably real that I cannot let go of it.I don’t know how to accept uncertainty with this one I really can’t.I don’t know what to do.If someone has experienced this or severe pocd and has managed to get over it a few words of encouragement would so help.

This guy at work who’s 20 YEARS OLDER than me by the way asked me out and ofc I didn’t want to.Then this other guy who’s my age from work did and I went out with him and still am and ofc rumours spread that we’re dating (we’re not yet) and the other guy obviously learned about it. Anyway he has been pretty chill with me and hasn’t made any moves due to that so I thought we were cool until now,today was my off day and the guy I’m going out with told me he heard him having a convo with this woman coworker and he basically implied that I’m ugly and he also said he has been side eyeing the guy I’m going out with and giving him the silent treatment. Like bro I have been nothing but kind to you even though you’re 38 asking a 20 year old out and how are you mad that someone way younger than you prefers to date someone their own age ☠️.Anyway I have to work together with him tommorow and multiple times a week and I think I’ll just stop being even remotely nice to him.

I saw a post on here about someone who’s bf has ocd and one thing mentioned sounded like pocd and a lot of comments were saying that it’s concerning and that when they had pocd it was only a fear of being one and never actual intrusive images of it or unwanted sexual thoughts and that if you’re having those it’s not pocd.And now my spiral is coming right back Ive had the worst images in my head and thoughts one could imagine they’ve lessened a lot now and my whole life I’ve never been that way but now if people on an ocd subreddit are saying that it’s not pocd and it’s concerning im doubting my own symptoms i always thoughts that no matter how bad the thoughts and images are they’re still always unwanted and distressing and so it’s still ocd yet everyone was saying otherwise. I’m so confused and panicked

I have been having a really bad pocd spiral it has gotten better these past two weeks but that spiral triggered my intrusive thoughts so bad that it never fully goes away and it’s not even only pocd related I get intrusive thoughts about everything and it’s so fucking annoying I can’t take it.I just want my mind to be NORMAL before this spiral it was fairly normal so why can’t I go back to normal now.I don’t want 80% of my thoughts to be intrusive I’m so done

Every time I go on a date it never feels right.I try so hard to fall in love because that’s seriously all I’ve ever dreamt of and it just never happens for me,even when there’s nothing wrong with the person even when they’re amazing I just can’t.I‘ll think I like someone and then when they start to hug me,touch my hair etc i start getting such a bad “gut” feeling in my stomach nausea etc about it and then feel like I want to escape.And I’ve tried to push through it but it doesn’t work.I just wanna go on dates with someone and feel like I’ve seen in all the movies i want our first hug etc to feel like fireworks not this uncomfortable and not enjoyable feeling in my stomach.This is why i havent had my first kiss even bc Ive just never felt ready to do that with anyone and I don’t understand what’s wrong with me.

I’ve started moving on from my pocd spiral 5 days ago and I try to ignore it for the most part but there’s still so many bits and pieces of it and now it’s even scarier bc I am scared I might fall back into it again + my ocd is like “see a lot of days have passed and you’re still thinking this way it must mean you’re actually a horrible person”.How do I prevent falling back into it

I’ve started going out with a guy and i dont have experience in dating in general and I haven’t before and I have this movie like expectation of exactly how it should feel and it doesn’t feel exactly how I thought it would and now I keep questioning “I didn’t get enough butterflies when I hugged him I didn’t feel intense overwhelming joy does this mean I don’t like him” even though I WANTED to hug him and this keeps happening I’ll be sure I like him one day but then be like “I don’t feel enough butterflies,enough happiness,my heartbeat isn’t high enough“ and it’s so confusing how do I stop questioning and overanalyzing everything I just wanna date like everyone else but everytime I go out with a guy this happens and I always pull away and never end up dating anyone

yes I get better treatment,yes new friendships are easier for me,yes people are nicer,yes I get free things but guess fucking what I feel absolutely DEAD inside im a horrible person and I feel so much guilt and anxiety daily.If I could trade lives with someone who is ugly but has peace of mind right now I absolutely fucking would.This is not to say the cliche “ looks don’t matter “ bc yes society is kinder to you when you’re pretty but it doesn’t and will never magically fix all your problems ,if your internal world is fucked a pretty face won’t fix that.I understand the struggle,I have been the ugly one in my friendgroup all throughout high school,I didn’t date or was approached by anyone in my teen years but I’d rather have being ugly as my only problem instead of the hell im going through.