u/Narrow-North-2759

I need a tooth pulled ASAP, hopefully before the end of the week

This is mainly just a vent post but I’m hoping I can just find someone who relates to what I’m going through or can give advice. Lately I have really been struggling and trying to come to terms with how different sex & relationships are for me and will be for the rest of my life vs how it is for a cis guy. I am 3.5 years on T and 7 months post top surgery. I have been single for about two years, the last relationship I was in my partner was already with me for a couple years so I never had to really “come out”. So I don’t really have experience dating as a man yet.

I have spent the last few years of my life doing seasonal work in national parks. The employee communities are typically small and tight-knit. Currently I’m working in one of the most popular national parks in the US. Like I said the employee communities are very tight knit in places like this. We all live and work together. Picture a college campus but with only a few hundred students and instead of college you’re all working for the same company. So dating/hooking up (and drinking and partying) is very popular here since we all live in the middle of nowhere with little to no Wi-Fi or cell service and there is just nothing else to do. And it feels like I’m noticing for the first time in my life how easy/carefree dating is for cis guys in a way that it just isn’t for me. There’s no having to share this big secret the way it is for me. They can just hook up and put their parts together without a care in the world. Even if I get to the point where a girl is interested in me and I eventually have to reveal I’m trans there’s a 99% chance I’ll be rejected because of that fact.

I’m not trying to brag, I still feel insecure about my looks. But T has made me a decently handsome guy and I have gotten a lot more attention than I’m used to from women in the past couple years. Like catching girls staring at me and smiling at me. The people around me and my friends/roommates notice it too. My roommates frequently bring girls home to sleep with/go on dates and ask girls out. They see girls flirting with me and try to get me to do the same. They wonder why I never bring girls home and don’t flirt back or try to take things further with these girls. Eventually they start to wonder if I’m gay (this happened to me at the last park I worked in where one of my roommates started insinuating that I was gay because I never chased girls with them). Obviously I can’t tell them that I don’t go after girls because I don’t have a fucking dick and I know I’ll just be rejected over and over again. Because what woman would want to be with a guy like me. I’m legitimately not even trying to be all doom and gloom, I just simply logically can’t think of a single reason any woman would want to be with a guy like me. When I see all the guys around me freely flirting with girls and talking about the girls they’ve hooked up with. All I can think is why why why did this have to happen to me. Why did I have to be born this way. Out of all the cards I could’ve been dealt why this one. And I know that cis guys have difficulties when it comes to dating. I know that they have insecurities about their bodies and sexual capabilities too. But at least they don’t have to have this massive secret hanging over their head all the time that will change the way everyone sees them if they found out. Even if I got to the point where I do come out to a girl I would still have to worry about her telling others and then everyone knowing my secret. Like I said the community is very small here, all it takes is a few people running their mouths and then everyone would know that I’m trans. And yes I know I’m essentially just bitching about not being able to hook up with girls. But I also just want to feel close to another person. I just want to live the life of a normal guy and have relationships with others without this affliction controlling everything I do. It crushes me on the inside especially when I see that there are girls clearly interested in me but I can’t do anything about it. It makes me feel like a fucking eunuch. Because like I said what girl would want a guy like me?

I’m an employee in the park and need to make it to Merced for an appointment. Can give gas money too