u/NationalOkra2931

I have been in an emotionally abusive marriage. Not all days are bad but it has had a cumulative effect on me. It took me a decade to realise that his behaviour is harming my mental health. I want to plan my exit properly keeping my child's best interest in mind.

For background: we are both Indians living in Germany. We had an arranged marriage in India. We have a child who is around 8 now.

Now I am looking for advice on process, things like:

1. Separate lawyer or one lawyer? I want the divorce to be amicable and do not even want to bring the emotional abuse part in the discussion. But I have no idea how he is going to react because his words mean nothing. He says one thing and does whatever suits his interest. He has been manipulating our kid too by indulgence, no boundaries etc. My husband had an idea that I want to leave.

2. I have not even decided where to file, in India or Germany? My child has spent most of it's life in Germany and only goes to India for vacations. I also worry about how everything will be enforced. I want to be the primary care giver but don't want my husband to be completely absent from my child's life.

3. I also want to make sure that when holidaying in India, my child doesn't spend unsupervised time with my M-I-L because she talks rubbish about me, again doesn't set rules about watching TV, phone, eating junk etc. and implies that whoever is setting rules doesn't live the child. She is potentially harmful for the child. But I am not sure if something like this can be enforced.

4. I would also like to know how has life been as a single mother for those who did it in a foreign land without any help. For me whether I live in a foreign land or in India, the burden of decision making, navigating life etc. will always lie on my shoulders. In India,. probably I will have some help to watch the kid if I am sick or something but apart from that nothing.

I am not looking for legal advice right now but just gathering ideas and tips. I will talk to the lawyers too but for now just gathering and planning.

First of all thank you so much for replying to my previous post. This community has been very helpful for me. So I have done these things until now:

1. I think I have accepted that his behaviour is affecting my health (both mental and physical).

2. I have tried to figure out his supply.

3. I am also journaling out of habit. I used to write diary whenever I had an experience worth written.

4. I am talking to a therapist too (though they approach everything very coldly).

But I will have to stay for a while till I figure out my exit. I have made the stupidest decisions in this marriage thinking it's "for love". And I am not sorry, at least I have given it a genuine try.

Now I want to understand what do I do? What was your behaviour like before exit? Also, is there any online support group?

I posted a few weeks ago on Reddit trying to understand if my husband could be a narcissist. It doesn't matter anymore whether he is or not, he is affecting my well-being.

I have observed him and he is miserable too. All responsibilities are a burden on his dainty little mind. He absolutely hates any real participation as a partner. He is good with practical functioning like driving is around, household chores, etc. But he is absent as a partner. The mental load of this marriage lies in my shoulders. So I don't understand why he is angry at me since I mentioned leaving him. He is passive - aggressive and I have started to observe him more closely. His style is to break my confidence slowly and subtly. Like instill doubt, make second-guess my decisions, silent treatment, mean jokes, etc.

So I am trying to understand why is he in this? And what I can do to cut off that supply? What am I giving HIM that is making him stay?

I posted a few weeks ago on this sub trying to understand if my husband could be a narcissist. It doesn't matter anymore whether he is or not, he is affecting my well-being.

I have observed him and he is miserable too. All responsibilities are a burden on his dainty little mind. But he is quite angry at me since I mentioned leaving him. He is passive - aggressive and I have started to observe him more closely. His style is to break my confidence slowly and subtly. Like instill doubt, make second-guess my decisions, silent treatment, mean jokes, etc.

So I am trying to understand why is he in this? And what I can do to cut off that supply? What am I giving HIM that is making him stay? Has anyone figured this out?

Hello,

When will Swami Sarvapriyananda's BG classes resume again?

If I am not mistaken the last lecture was uploaded in June.

Also is there a group that seriously discusses his BG classes? If yes, then I would like to join.

I never had a relationship with a man before my husband. I had male friends who were funny and friendly and maybe like brothers but definitely not romantic. I mentioned it because I think I couldn't understand my expectations from a man or a relationship and I didn't choose wisely. I did not feel any spark when I first met my husband but I developed great respect for him when I realized that he is a good person. Eventually I also fell in love with him. And even though I have come to a shocking realization, I still love him and this realization doesn't nullify his good qualities.

Since day 1 of our marriage, my MIL has been extremely jealous of me. She bullies me, conducts smear campaigns behind my back and so on. Initially I thought this was a normal MIL-DIL relationship. Even though I could cook, clean, manage my home well, take care of everyone's health, she would always complain about me making sure that I hear everything.

But eventually I realised that she might not be mentally okay. Some incidents like stealing my clothes, throwing away my things, unhappy about my pregnancy and even trying to harm me and the baby. I felt that she was not okay. I started to resent her. After my baby was born, we moved abroad but that didn't stop her from making my life hell. I urged my husband to take her to a psychiatrist and she was diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). I thought knowing this would help me protect myself but it didn't really help much. I considered her to be the reason for my PTSD, anxiety, chronic stress, hypervigilence and insomnia. To some extent it's true as well.

I was so disturbed at one point that I quit my job because I was at a breaking point. This break came as a blessing. I slowed down and started to see things for what they are. I realized that my husband is a very passive person with phone addiction. He has never stood by me even though he could have done a lot. There are so many incidents where he chose to remain quiet and asked me to remain quiet too. This is not just about his mother. But his friends insulting me, his relatives attacking me, his colleagues speaking rubbish about women in front of me. He never did anything. BUT the thing that he did well was:

1. Gaslighted me

2. Manipulated me

3. Subtle insults

4. Dismissed me

5. Silent treatment till I stopped talking about my pain

I realized that he might be a bigger culprit in my mental health issues. I realized that he is the reason I had been gathering evidence, always at the edge, brain fog, insomnia, chronic stress and anxiety. Because he refused to believe me and stand by me. I posted his behavior on the "narcissistic spouse" subreddit and a lot of people said he is a textbook passive-aggressive narcissist.

Now my question is - how do I leave him, given that he is very manipulative and goes back on his words? Right now he says we will file a mutual divorce but I know he is saying this to avoid working on himself. We have a child and he is manipulating the kid. Also anyone who has divorced their spouse abroad, especially women, I would like to talk to you.

Has anyone been to the summerfest? Is it too crowded in the evenings? I want to go there tomorrow with my child.

Hello,

If someone separated from their spouse in Germany, could you please DM me, I have some questions?

My husband repeatedly failed to address my concerns. Whenever I feel pain or face a challenge etc. His response is:

"No, that didn't happen."

"You're too sensitive."

"You took it the wrong way."

"You're overreacting."

"It was just a joke."

"That's not what I/she/he meant."

"You're imagining things."

Whether his narcissistic mother abusing me, or his friends insulting me, his relatives being disrespectful in his presence - his response has always been that. But what hurts the most is that a stranger harassed me and he still behaved in the same manner. I can understand that he may not be able to stand up to his family and friends. BUT a stranger? And I feel that a lot of anxiety, stress, hypervigilance and pain came from him denying my experience or making me look like a liar or someone who didn't understand or someone having to gather proof to explain.

It took me 10 years to understand what he was doing. Till now I was gathering proof, trying to explain my pain but now I realised that no matter how well I explain, or even if he witnesses the incident itself, his response will always be this. I tried telling him this, that he needs help. I tried telling him that he should see a therapist maybe there are deeper wounds which are making him like this. He got defensive. Instead of listening he started saying things like "you always complain."; "you just find reasons to fight." etc.

This is more than just passivity. His behaviour has made massive impact on my mental, emotional and physical health.

I have come to the conclusion that this relationship cannot work if he doesn't choose therapy and work on himself. And I mean he should want to work on it. But he is still defending himself. He is not even ready to listen.

What did you do if your spouse didn't choose therapy?

Who is eating so much Tofu?! :D

I am vegan and lately I am having trouble finding tofu in supermarkets (Aldi, Lidl, Kaufland, Rewe). The shelves are always empty regardless of time or day. I get it from Alnatura but I hate the taste.

Are you experiencing this too? What other vegan sources of protein do you use instead?

I am not pursuing this by choice because I feel that it's not important. But I have seen Swami Sarvapriyananda participating in these debates time and again. Am I missing something? Do these debates give you any more clarity than the Gita?