u/Natural_Fondant_7544

I am a new host in my system.

I thought i was a new split, but i have memories of our childhood no one else really has access to.

It seems like me coming around has brought back repressed memories from my mother. Its terrifying. Im scared to acknowledge what those memories mean if they are actually true.

Im also way more similar to our school version than previous host.

Is it possible to have a previous host come out of dormancy instead of having a split? I definitely am not previous host for damn sure. But how do I know if i am a previous host at all? I cant really look at old memories without getting dissociated

Hey guys! USA based, questions at bottom lol

First: I am beyond excited to share that after ten years of pain, i am finally being assessed for a mobility aid! My doctor is concerned with my spinal issues and the fact i can no longer function in public without severe pain.

I am honestly super super excited about this! I have already been a mobility aid user for about 2 years now. I was a cane user, switched to forearm crutches and then a rollator!

Unfortunately all 3 aids have started to hurt. I can no longer use my crutches for long periods of time. Standing is a lot of effort for me, so the rollator helped by letting me sit, but unfortunately the position i take using it causes my pain to flare.

I guess my question is, do i go in telling the OT / PT this? I do not want to seem like i am seeking a specific aid, but honestly i am. I want a wheelchair. I have used rentals in stores and events, and oh my god it was a fucking godsend 😭

I really want to push for a wheelchair but i do not want to seem attention seeking or “wanting to be sick” i just want the pain to stop.

What does a mobility aid assessment look like? What should i expect? Again, ahould i tell my PT / OT that i have used aids before and experience pain, or will that seem like i am just seeking what i want rather than need?

Hey guys.

I am visiting meowwolf for an event soon. Both myself and my fiance have wheelchairs. Unfortunately mine is in repair so I will have to rent one.

Does anyone know the process on getting one for an event? I know they have wheelchair rentals but im scared folks will rent them before i get there for the event.

The website says you cant rent in advance, so how was yalls experience renting a wheelchair from meowwolf? And how hard is it to navigate with a smaller power chair? Thanks!

Ton of posts in here like this, but they are overwhelming to read so making my own 😭

I have vascular eds, scoliosis with a spinal fusion, adjacent segments disease from the fusion, needless to say this is a terrible storm of bullshit. I deal with chronic pain, and fatigue as my main symptoms. Pt has been prescribed but I honestly do not see a difference after a month. I am unable to do my exercises most days simply because it hurts, sitting standing laying down all hurt still. The only pain relief is strong pain meds currently

I really want to start the process to get a wheelchair. Its becoming a necessity. I am typing this on the floor of my job bc i am in so much pain. But i have no clue on where to start.

I moved states about a year ago, and my medical records arent well kept. I am able to prove my diagnosis, all of them. But all of my imaging and test results have been lost to the wind. Been fighting with the old system to get records but no luck yet. I have been referred to a spinal surgeon though! Thank god my PCP believes me. But anyways:

Do i bring up a wheelchair in my spinal appointment? Or do i make another appointment with my PCP and see if she can get me referred to a clinic? Also if i DO get a referral, what is that process? I am not wanting to bring up a wheelchair to my PTS as they both are unhappy with me using a rollator and tell me to use it as little as possible, which I try to do! But then i am just in pain. So I am just suck on where to go from here.

we are currently escaping an abusive household, Ex partner abuse.

Tw

It has caused splits out the ass. Along with severe dissociative symptoms. I am having severe flashbacks which i never used to get, i just got off of having nightmares nightly and thats back again. My parts are FREAKING the fuck out.

We are in genuine danger of being hurt. Well our therapist thinks so, along with a DV case worker.

The issue is I cant stay out of panic attacks and dissociation. And i NEED to!!! I cant pack without pure fear jolting down my spine. Putting weight on the floor has me in shambles. The other day I literally could not get my body to WALK in the house without severe tremors.

While outside of the house i am super angry and i keep SH. Its not severe, its all meltdown style behavior. Just hitting myself and punching objects, No lasting injury. I cant even tell my nesting partner this. They are also a system and arent doing well. We all live in the same house.

I am unfortunately the main target of the abuse. Screaming, being told its all my fault, being sexually harassed. Its all centered on me.

I cant keep doing this. We are suppose to have a new place on monday, but we JUST moved into this one !! So i feel insane for having to move again. I cant stay out of panic at all. My littles keep fronting randomly to start sobbing and freaking out, snd then they are gone again. Thats super disorienting.

My partner cannot pack on their own. They have limitations. But i cannot force myself to! At all!! All i can do is lay in bed and cry and feel guilty.

How can i push through this? Honestly can i force a split to handle this? We cant do it, our physical protectors are locked away due to them possibly making things worse. My caretaker cannot front at the house. Its just me the host.

And i split LAST FUCKING MONTH

Im so scared. I cant keep doing this. How can i cope for the next week? How can i stay out of panic and dissociation? Nothing is working. Grounding is not helping, my usual skills arent working. I feel so insane especially since i pride myself on helping other systems with their skills and system advice.

I cant even help myself on this one.

Over the last several months our old host has stepped back due to traumatic events happening since may-july. We assumed I split off of Him and became host,

The major issue i am having right now is that, I fucking hate everything about who we present as.

Old host had us on testosterone injections, but me? I feel like a girl. I love when my partner calls me their girlfriend or wife, i love feminine names and pet names. But because our old host was so… trans, I feel wrong

I feel like I cant exist as myself. My entire outside persona is based off this effeminate boy. And its just not me.

I am trying really hard not to change everything about our life, because i am very aware this host can come back if things settle. And im aware a lot of our parts are nonbinary or man. So logically it would not make sense to detransition for this hosting period. (We have host changes often)

I just dont know what to do, everyone calls me by this super masculine name, and pronouns. Every single time it makes me want to crawl out of my skin its just so wrong

Does literally anyone have any advice for me? I am debating changing the bodys legal name to a neutral name that isnt masc or fem and we can just deal with it until we die. I feel crazy. I dont want to be a boy

First: I am VERY aware that I should wait and get fitted for a chair but thats simply not a possibility currently. TDLR at bottom lol

Just for some backstory: I am a 24 yo AFAB, I am diagnosed with vascular Ehlers-Danlos, scoliosis and Adjacent segment disease. i had a T1 - L3 fusion at age 14 that has caused lifelong severe chronic pain. I am unable to walk or stand for longer than 10 -15 minutes without tremors, weakness and pain. I also have similar symptoms to POT's, so even if I have no pain I tend to get very dizzy standing for long periods. There are days i cant get out of bed due to fatigue from pain.

I am not comfortable being on medication for long periods, especially since over the counter does not touch my pain. Last year because of these issues, I became temporarily disabled. I bought a Equate Walmart Manual Wheelchair at this point because I was unable to attend any sort of activity outside the house. I stopped using it for a long time because my health improved. Two months ago I was doing cardio and leg pressing over 70 pounds, currently though I am fully mobility aid reliant, and cannot leave my house for anything other than errands and even then half of them do not get done.

I am currently in PT and things don't seem to be improving. In fact i seem to be getting worse. I have tried using other aids such as canes, but that caused my wrists/ shoulders to hurt. Did try forearm crutches, but they cause my back vertebrae to separate and click, causing more pain. Rollator helps a lot on some days, but honestly the kind of hunched position you take while using one, hurts. I need one without a seat to comfortably use it but then Id have no place to sit when i get dizzy.

Current chair is entirely too big for me, I am 5'5 and 110lbs currently, I usually sit at 130lbs. I end up getting extremely tired from self propelling, the back of my biceps also get fabric burn from them rubbing against the chair while self propelling, I do think I can fix this with a solid cushion, but either way I will be buying a cushion. Current chair is also too heavy for me to lift some days so I end up leaving it in the car on days I do actually need it inside.

And since I have a big event coming up in September i desperately want to go to and actually be present for: My question is how can I make this chair work for me? Or should I buy a different one? I have been eying the VOCIC lightweight manual, I found it on amazon and it seems *decent* for what I need. Especially since I do not intend to use this chair more than once or twice a week. But this event is a large venue with a lot of walking, so its imperative I am able to find something that works.

Here's my reasonings on both:

VOCIC: 17.5 seat, wheel to wheel is 25.6 inches

Pros: lightweight, 28-35 (with wheels) pounds. It also is easier to store since the wheels come off, which is a huge boon for me as my partner is a powerchair user, their chair already takes up most of our sedan, does come with good storage,
Cons, the arm rests do not come off, they do flip up but do not come off, which might make steering hard, less sturdy than current chair, wheels are said to be 'plastic' with less grip. 200 dollars.

Equate (current): 20inch seat, wheel to wheel is 27.8 inches
Pros, already own it!! cheap!!, Very sturdy, arm rests come off, good for comfort,
Cons: Does not transport easily, takes up whole backseat, extremely difficult to get up and down apartment stairs, poor storage

like i said I do not intend to use this chair daily as I want to continue to attempt to build muscle and not have to go to a custom, which is probably wishful thinking but a bitch can dream. I know of the potential risks of buying a chair that is not made for me, but something thats not made for me is 100x better than just pushing through with a rollator or crutches.

TLDR: got event in September, current chair does not work, but buying one wont fix all the problems just with my issues with the wight as well as solving storage problems. Wondering how to modify equate chair to fit me better OR should I buy VOCIC u32 lightweight and modify that? Both have similar issues. Wheels on both are similar, dimensions are similar.

Hey yall, I have a wide variety of bullshit going on with me and i need help. Not offically diagnosed with ARFID but i am over 99% sure. Never been able to eat much my entire life.

Tw: weight loss

But currently, I cannot physically handle to eat anything except fast foods, and even then if something tastes wrong or textures weird I cant end up finishing it. I have lost over 15 pounds in two months, going from a nice 125 to fucking 110. I am a 5’5 adult.
I am going through an incredibly stressful time, which is what im blaming this extreme flare up on.

I have been able to eat many foods in the past but right now I am completely unable to eat almost anything. Soup broth is a no go, meal replacement shakes feel “thick” , ny previous safe foods are sandpaper in my mouth.

I hate a fucking raw potato for dinner because i physically could not eat anything else,

What has helped you guys? Anything sweet makes me feel disgusting, im only consistently eating Hot Fries and I am technically allergic to them.

Weed is no longer helping. I dont know what to do.
I cant keep buying shitty fast food.
I am physically disabled with no access to support for food or making meals. I am fucking starving and im scared.

Personal Essay from Ellie:
I am writing this in hopes that the folks who ask "is it DID or OSDD" feel more comfortable with NOT knowing:

According to my therapist and research I have been doing, trauma based dissociation is a large spectrum. Ranging from PTSD to CPSTD all the way to complex DID. Personally I feel like there should be an overarching diagnosis because of how much they all bleed into each-other.

Folks see DID as the most severe presentation, the thing you get when you go through SEVERE abuse, while seeing OSDD as a "lesser" diagnosis. And this is not true.

Even folks who did go through RAMCOA abuse are not *guaranteed* to come out with DID over OSDD. All these disorders come down to is your brain could not handle what had happened to you. Whether it be what i like to call "Normalized" trauma (neglect, unstable home, addictions, divorce) or severe unthinkable trauma.

This is something i am BEGGING people to unlearn. OSDD and DID are NOT worse vs better diagnosis. Your trauma is not less valid if you get an OSDD diagnosis over a DID one

If you have CPTSD you absolutely meet the "required" trauma for a Complex Dissociative Disorder. This does not mean you meet the other requirements.

This SHOULD go without saying but if you DO NOT EXPEREINCE DISSOCIATIVE/PTSD SYMPTOMS YOU DO NOT HAVE A DISSOCATIVE DISORDER!!
Symptoms: Losing track of who you are, where you are, feeling like the world around you is not real, feeling like you are piloting your body from a 3rd person, feeling like you are watching your body do things without your express say so, finding notes you must have written but don't remember, experiencing other people telling you you are inconsistent or lying often due to memory gaps, identity disturbance that is DISTRESSING.

You also should be experiencing some type of PTSD symptoms; nightmares, flashbacks, somatic feelings, now systems who are unaware may not experience the CPSTD symptoms but if you suspect there should be a clinical reason why. Not just "i feel like multiple people" there are a slew of other diagnosis that can cause to to feel that way. This is a trauma disorder. Its required.

If you do not have dissociative symptoms or at the very least CPSTD symptoms you should not be looking into a dissociative disorder. This is my disclaimer do not diagnose based off my post i am not a professional just a system who really likes to do community discussions and out reach :)

for this essay i will be using PARTS for metaphorical C-PSTD parts and ALTERS for OSDID identity distinctions, not all systems like to be called alters and not all systems like to use parts terminology.

Criteria:
For CPSTD: Chronic re-occurring trauma within a significant amount of time, usually childhood trauma, and experience symptoms across these 4 categories: avoidance of thinking about the event, Intrusions about the event (flashbacks), negative mood/connotations surrounding triggers based off said trauma, and alterations in arousal, and that means your nervous system and how activated it gets during what it perceives as stressful events.

Clinical symptoms: Avoidance behavior, refusing to talk/hear about/recall a traumatic event. Triggers, things that our that 'trigger' you to recall your trauma and could result in a flashback or a trauma response. Memory Gaps surrounding the event.

Discussed symptoms outside of clinical settings: Feeling like you have no identity beyond who is in front of you. Many people with CPTSD are misdiagnosed with BPD, as they look the exact same from an outside perspective. Cpstd causes intense fear of abandonment for most, along with identity alterations. Feeling like different parts handle different things EX inner child. A lot of folks online discuss feeling trapped at a certain age during triggering events, or feeling like they cant access their "normal" self during stress.

My understanding: Dissociative barriers absolutely exist within CPSTD. Cpstd already comes with a ton of dissociation with the identity alterations, granted these Parts cannot act on their own nor do they feel like they could just "come out" whenever. These Parts have distinct triggers whether that be a tone of voice or a slammed door that immediately makes folks feel small/scared/anxious/protective that is out of proportion to what is happening.

For OSDD

Criteria: (subtypes are a community term and i am discussing DSM5) Mixed dissociative symptoms, Identity shifts that do not tend to differ from one another in personality, Lack of daily life amnesia as well as able to pull up a full life story (with some gaps but not severe) Dissociative episodes (trance states),

Clinical Symptoms: internal shifts in identity, passive influence (feeling like a part of you SERIOUSLY wants nuggets but you dont like them)

Discussed symptoms: Feeling inconsistent, feeling like you have no set identity, feeling like who YOU are changes at any moment. Feeling like the system has a distinct identity but alters are not fully distinct from the 'outside' personality.

MY UNDERSTANDING: Osdd systems tend to have folks who are very similar in personality and less dissociative barriers. I believe the systems who see themselves as a unit or as different versions of the same "base" personality fall into this category as those tend to have less alter to alter amnesia. I also hear folks with OSDD talk about how hard it is to fit into DID spaces because a lot of them do not see themselves as alters or diffrent from the alter who fronts daily.

IN MY OPINON a lot of osdd systems are actually DID. I think that this is where the line gets extremely blurry.

For DID
Criteria: Two or more DISTINCT personality changes, significant amnesia (grey outs blackouts unable to construct a timeline of your day/life/week, this can differ system to system some DID systems do not have blackouts every switch, but they black out their trauma this is a qualifying "severe" amnesia event)

Clinical Symptoms: Severe memory gaps that last months/days/years, can have moments of "where am I" as if you woke up in that spot. Alter intrusions such as: possessive switches, internal dialog you cant follow or "hear" properly, sometimes distinct voices

MY UNDERSTANDING: DID systems tend to have alters who differ in appearance from the body as well as significant differences in alter presentation. As well as more "possessive switches". My understanding is that if you experience blackouts at all you have DID vs OSDD that has no major gaps.

WHAT THIS MEANS TO ME: Writing all of the critriea and symptoms out its increadbily hard to me to distinguish these three things. Even with CPTSD not having alters who can move independently, it is easy to mistake CPSTD parts as Alters. Which is why its so important to talk to a professional!

I believe OSDD (community terms i belive is OSDD1) that does have the identity disruptions similar to DID but without significant amnesia, SHOULD be included into the DID diagnosis, as amnesia changes from stressor to stressor. You could test yourself at a stressful time and come out with the results saying "you have blackouts" and then you take it at a very calm moment in your life and then its saying "no amnesia!" So those two should be squished together as the distinction almost literally does not matter.

And I think for OSDD without alters it should stay OSDD. Because OSDD is a severe disorder even without alters, it deservers to be seen and discussed without folks who have alters bulldozing them, as their experiences are night and day.

But the point is again, these three diagnosis come from the exact same thing: repeated trauma. Within the healing process for these three diagnoses its simply: Integration. Integration is NOT fusion and it is REQUIRED in order to heal yourself and your system. Integration is the act of lowering dissociative barriers and working better as a team to manage the body.

Systems come in every form possible. What one system experiences will NOT be yours. The big takeaway from this should be: Its a spectrum and you fall on it. Cool now lets go from there.

Controversial last notes:
I think that if you experience CPSTD and have what you think is Parts or Alters then you fall into the CDD spectrum. If you truly believe you have these dissociated parts that front and handle tasks/triggers/stress anything, and its helpful?? Go for it. If you are a traumatized individual and you are already living life as if you are a system and it is genuinely helpful to you AND you do not use it as an excuse or a reason to get out of things, AND you work with /are wanting to work with a mental health professional then the label does not matter. Do what you need to make yourself feel good about your lived experience. You cannot cause alters to appear nor can you cause more dissociation than what is already there by calling it what it is.

mentioning here: PLEASE correct me if i am wrong!! This is not how alot of clinicians see DID and OSDD so def take me with a grain of salt and if this helps you im so HYPE but if you see this and disagree lmk why i would love to discuss! Looking at it this way absolutely killed most of our denial which opened the door to better integration so i thought i would share how our brain works! I might start posting alot more of these as i genuinely love looking into systems and how they could be helped by their communities!

Anyways please LMK what your thoughts are correct me if i am wrong and have a whimsical day!
~ Ellie (Ik how reddit feels about sign offs but Its fun to me)

also posted to another sub
just like the title says:

My cohost really wants to be open publicly as a system. Online and in reality. This is terrifying to me for many fucking reasons:

first off it makes me feel fake as hell, wow shocker!! disabled trans with colored hair has DID?? original. someone contact the fucking news. Second off we arent diagnosed so ofc that already puts us in a bad place to post about it in the first place.

we have been arguing about this for MONTHS. The argument has survived fucking fusions, system resets FUCKIGN EVERYTHING i cannot shut it down. Whats worse is shes getting others to agree with her about being open. Her main irritation comes from when she was host she had a very public online presence. So she misses that.

"Well we are safe yeah? Whats the worst that can happen?" Well we could be straight up wrong and end up not having parts so then we have to explain that later. "well we arent educationg or even advocating for any misinformation so we are fine!" Yeah what about online harassment?? what if our family finds out? What if folks who talk to us find out through tiktok and make our IRL life hell?

No matter how i bring this up she continues to post and be overt. She posts all over tiktok about systemhood and how annoying it is not being host, which usually results in me deleting the post later on which pisses her clean off but dude no. She already has her very own blog that has its own email and everything to try to get this to stop, but she doesnt want to pretend to be a singlet though. She makes it clear she is part of a system

It doesnt help I already have parts who overshare other shit so i cant just let her do whatever cause that can cause those parts to get worse. Im so frustrated.

I dont blame her i get it, we are beyond lonely as hell so she wants to just put it all out there to find community. Ugh. Any advice on getting her to chill? I feel like ive given as much as i could on this subject but she feels as if i am not listening to her

Rant, semi success story but very bitter:

TLDR: Fused at 14, pain free previously, in serious pain after a year, continues to deal with severe pain 10 years later. How do you cope?

I am currently 25, at 13 I was diagnosed with a spinal curvature. No one really knew how bad it was until we got my first XRAYS back. Severe curvature: from what i remember 85 / 27 i believe, I do not have access to medical records. The curve at the top of my spine was so severe it was nearly touching my ribs, the bottom was less severe but there. My spine was a fucked up S

At 14 i got a full lumbar spinal fusion. From the top of my spine where my neck starts to two above the bottom. I Have two vertebrae that are not fused. Those two bones are mostly what my anger is about. T1 - L2 (98% sure)

prior to my surgery from what I can recall, zero pain. My body literally adapted around my spine so you literally could barely see my crookedness. SO No pain no major visual issues, the only thing that was 'wrong' was my breathing and the surgery didnt even fix it, whole separate issue

I got released a week after my surgery, had no PT or OT. No restrictions once I went back to school. Unfortunately my home life wasnt great so I asked to get sent back early, within 5 months i was in high school. Joined sports, got released for them, AGAIN No restrictions! TORE MY BACK THE FUCK UP! Didn't understand preventative care because it wasnt taught to me. By the one year anniversary I already struggled with pretty bad back pain. Luckily that was on my REALLY bad days and back then those were rare.

Nowadays ? My bottom two vertebrae are degrading. I am in so much pain that over the counter meds dont work sometimes. I had to quit a WORK FROM HOME JOB because sitting for too long is too much. I suffer with hip dislocations because they fused a hypermobile baddie. My experience makes me want required genetic testing done before massive surgeries. Maybe my experience could have been avoided.

I am massively bitter over the way my things went down. I do not want folks thinking that I am against this surgery for anyone, but I do wish that folks would start to explore every single option before hopping into a 12 hour surgery for a pain free 14 year old. I was failed by every adult in this situation.

But for the folks that had an increase of pain and issues after your fusion, how do you get over the grief?

I feel like i have lost my life. My mobility will NEVER be on par with another adult my age. My health feels like it got fucking nerfed at 14. I want to work in my field but i cant due to my spine.

Idek what to say to this. I had a better post planned out before the meds wore off but here goes:

Finally got medicated for ADHD after 10 years of parts not wanting meds due to trauma and we took the first dose a few hours ago.

For the first time it felt like i could front normally and be present without any sort of blendyness or spirals about denial. Has anyone else experienced this?

Our host was so prepared to have us go silent and be just background adhd noise that this was super unexpected,

Usually its extremely hard to ignore our host and his denial. But after the meds its like it was *just* me in headspace, honestly made me really bitter for a bit thinking how i dont want this life.

It seemed to cause a higher degree of separation which some see as bad but today i just feel so good being me i dont care.

Anyone else experienced a higher degree of separation between parts due to meds?

Only thing ill ever post on here because the online community sucks but i cannot find anything on this

Heads up this sounds fucking insane:

I fear i have been misleading everyone (unintentionally) about our system, i dont feel like they are real i have some semblance of control over my switches (no trauma processing here lol) and i know almost too much about each alter being a year in without trauma processing.

But in every single DES and Mini MID i take i score high in dissociation. Even when I actively choose lower scores to see if i am malingering my symptoms.

So is it possible that perhaps i am making up a “fake” system thats easier for my brain to handle than actually seeing my real system? I do feel like i have extreme dissociation and i DEFINITELY have DPDR along with the “required” trauma.

Another thing is every time i see my inner space it switches from a clean environment to a fucking dirty ass environment. And it feels like the dirty space is hidden underneath a clean like hologram? Thats not the word but it is 3 am and we are exhausted

edit: my t believes “if i believe it its true” which doesnt work for me. She makes me feel like an endogenic. I have taken psych tests WITH a psych that say yes i have dissociation. Not asking for a diagnosis i am asking if it is possible to hide a system under a fake one.

Both myself and my partner are disabled as hell.
My partner has ME/CFS as well as several comobrids so they are mostly wheelchair / bed bound.
I personally have a rare form of EDS as well as severe structural issues and heart defects.

How the hell am i suppose to support my partner?? I cannot help them shower on my bad days, they cannot help me with anything at all due to ME being borderline severe. I am working a baby part time job trying to support us but its fucking impossible

Only my partner qualifies for disability and im so scared. I cant work forever, they probably will never go back to work. What do we do?

Ive been disabled since entering the relationship and they became disabled around November/December. Its a new adjustment and im just freaking tf out. We cant afford an in home caregiver?

And with this economy i cannot pay our rent with a part time job.

Are there any other disabled couples out there? How do you make it work when neither if you can help the other? I feel like im drowning