u/Neat_Constant_9602

I'm looking for some criticism

my story I was all my life. my teachers treating like s*** and even bullying me and discriminating against me inill recently..and even then then most didn't cair about me. I've been backstab a bunch...the most clear example being my ex child hood friends(haden) groomed me..(he was my ex child hood friend we stopped being friends when I was 13 we started being friends when I was 1 that that entire time he was extremely toxic to me. You know right a bully but I fully trusted him and believed he was my best friend but when I was 8 he Groomed me and technically me... But we were still friends. After that I was just scarred from it.... So we stopped being friends when I was 13) also since I was 9 Hayden knew Kade(My other childhood friend) since I was 10... Hayden eventually corrupt Cade and made him super toxic to me and they stopped talking after a while when I was 13 me and Kate stop being friends for about a year when I was 14 that'll make him really close friends again. IV bullied a lot. In fact all my life.. somebody put me on a hit list...... people pitty me and try to use me...but it makes me stronger (I have ADHD autism and as you can see in my pfp I'm Lgbtq I also tend to have fem clothes so ya. and not to mention people treat me like I'm stupid I have a IQ of 138.... And still dealing with it to this day in high School (currently the 9th? week)..minus the teachers though...... But now the harassment and bullying has gotten 10 times worse, plus a constant misgendering (I'm non binary)

IV been helping my friends relationship + IV been his emotional support system and helping him constantly And I have to schedule all the events for my friend group witch there are a lot of..... Plues 3 people have tried to kill me! I have been asalted! And the first time I tried to speak up in like fourth grade to stop a fight I got yelled at... My completely destroyed me and changed who I was. Not to mention that you still listen to my parents fight constantly before the divorce. 9 years ago Also my dad was little verbally abusive BEFORE THE DIVORCE..I think..idk. AND NOW my BEST FRIEND AND ONLY FRIEND WHO'S A FULLY SUPPORTS WHO I AM IS a quick little vent I do need help though. Being toxic.. to explain that I need to give you some background.. I'm super clingy (ya I know I'm working on it) recently my other friends have been saying he's going though something. And been taking anti depression meds(I have not confirmed) recently he has WHANTED a brack from me I DO NOT HAVE A PROBLEM with this. but he's the person I'm closest with.. I what to be able to check in on him but he gits mad if I do though.. so idk what to do. i what to make sure he's ok.. but I what to give him the brake from me. also he seems happier with other people. he could just be tired of me... but idk.. I'm just worried.. plus he shuts me down eny time I try to talk to him about stuff I'm patient about or just dose not care... and he says his parents have this anxiety disorder thing and is going to run away but my friends say he may be lieing (he does that a lot)...... AND ENY TIME I DO TRY TO TALK TO HIM THAT'S NOT ABOUT HIM IN SOME WAY HE SEEMS DISINTERESTED...... I JUST...IDK.... Plus anytime I confront him on any of this he says I can just drop him. he clearly doesn't care about me yet. I still want to have him as a friend. I just don't know anymore.... He's been like this for a month(out first mouth of high School {week 1-4}) and I had enough and cut himoff but he was one of my closest friends for 3+ years....yet I still cair about him a little...idk.. And eny time I'm alone for to long not working or talking to someone I git depressed....... but RECENTLY IV made other friends who have struggled with depression..and are queer like me...so thats nice...but.....I'm so tired of fighting for my existence to be accepted...I'm so tired of fighting to be treated equally..... I'm so tired of everything but I have to live despite the fact that... idc if I die! Just what to die after I complete my dreams! Also what to die with a "bang"!!!...but now I have thoughts of suicide that are just like intrusive thoughts, but a bit worth as of now but I'm scared it's going to get worse..... But hay it only lasts for a few days at a time........ I have severe paranoia and anxiety...... Get upset I myself and beat myself up when I get too upset at something because I'm supposed to be the most mature and a strong one.... Not to mention I've been living life on fight/defense mode for so long... That it's hard to just ignore people who are hurting me...All my friends. It's so hard to just put down the metaphorical knife... And not to mention me randomly beginning to psychotic laugh when I feel like I'm getting to break or someone or something does or says something that hurts me so deeply inside that. I don't know what to say so I just begin laughing.. so not to mention me randomly doing it.... and I had my first panic attack because my friend yelled at me for 5 minutes for lashing out at somebody

(I do this a lot because of well I think you can tell) and that tried forcing my to go to the counselor.... Or at least I think it was my first panic attack..(this was in my 5th week of highschool btw).. And it made my already kind bad mental state worse... And because something so little hurts me so much.... because I'm supposed to be the strong one...I'm suppose to be the resilient one...I spiraled for a bit............ But they did apologize for it the next day at school (week 6) and everything was just the same old shit stated in my first paragraph.... Aka the usual + The other stuff I've mentioned in (paragraph 5).....(End of week 8?) I got on anti depression meds and there making me act a bit weird and more unhinged.. also ever time I take it my head will randomly shake for a few seconds at a time.. like I'm losing my shit...but that only lasts a couple minutes..at most. OH and the unhinged laughing got worse...so now when it triggers... Ever because of a stress response or something else idk...I STRUGGLE.. to stop it SOMETIMES..so I end up looking like a psychopath....idk plus the static it giting worse again... idk. Then form week 10-11 ash (My best friend are the one who yelled at me but we made up went to the ward) was stressed out on my friends cause more drama to happen and I'm a lot of drama actually.. jumped between Brianna and ren.. that I've forced myself solve and it took a lot of energy out of me.... Bree lying about seeing ash... Constant fighting and burkering because of the stress.. then in week 12 Tucker my friend and ren broke up and apparently Tucker never like liked ren and only wanted love Apparently and broke up with him for somebody else was already dating somebody..and that drained me.. also, Ren says I'm embarrassing him anytime. I have a mentor shut down kind of makes fun of my AUDHD traits... Is pressuring me to change faster than I am, even though it's really hard for me to change it, I know I need to change.. when I brought the stuff up with them They got mad... And now Ash isn't the word for 2 MONTHs.. and I only know this because I just sent Izzy one of my friends ask her emergency contact in the word called her a saying she got into fight.. meaning should be there longer... And I don't know. I've a sneaking suspicion that she's dead and that is he is lying... But I doubt it.. I don't know. It just feels like everything's too much...

it ALSO does not help that I have had severe paranoia anxiety been living flight or fight mode, I'm extremely good gut feeling and being really good at reading people for as long as I can remember..But that's not saying a lot because I can't remember a lot ..it's only a few clear memories... everything else is blurry or not there......so ya.. when the bullying got worse and worse over time mental health deteriorated my friends were getting more toxic. I cut them off bunch of drama.. eventually came up working a point where I got into it pulled out against medical advice. Put into IOP then school covers tomorrow but a bit better. Struggling to pull out my grains for getting to do s*** then IOP group got super toxic and got to a point where one kid kid doing the ass and it almost hit him but I didn't and now I'm putting head on by a senior who's like ruffling my hair playing with my hair. Give me your number comes on asking about it. Corrub it in my arm and shoulder the day before he go out. Graduated and the day before she graduated and she said oh the things that would do to you if you were older.. I wanted her to leave me alone but I did not know what to say so I Drew a swastika on her arm when she asked me to sing it…at the same time a kid lied about me doing that to him…I reported her and I'm not believed because..she lied about her age and name.. what is wrong with My fucking life..and the kids in my iop still treat my like that and I relaped..that day. And it's been like 10 months and I still don't have a 1 on 1 therapist.. like what!?…and if I fail my math final and I'm only 16

Oh

And my “mom”

My mom (has PTSD and a shit memory knows I think? About my trama) yelled had me up at my closet sang it was a jail bait and that I was looking for attention we only happening since that I looked at people for too long or something I don't know... What do y'all think? The argument happened as I was in the living room and she was in her room... she also got mad at me for flinching and well freaking out at the doctor as he had to check my leg muscles and make sure they're okay..(he did this be holding them tightly and caressing them all the way around to check muscles) I kept looking at her doing it and saying hey. Help me please. I'm panicking. I don't know what to do.. of course I'm actually for that. I was thinking that but she said I was overreacting and paying up a show that I was looking at her a lot???? Oh also it could be important to mention I am doing a severe bullying.. and that she thinks skirt crop tops and stuff off the shoulder is jail bait...I'm aroace So I didn't see it when I press to figure it out. She just acts like I should have just inherently know it's so annoying. also I'm 16 I can't move out, she won't let me get a job or try and got a learners permit and I refuse to be homeless...so AITA..I also would like to keep pepper spray on me at all times..(l know I can't) 😭 I also train with (for fun) cosplay prop weapons.. I'm in az and lots of kids at my school do it so I'm like 80% sure it's fine..(i wuld never bring any kind of weapons to a no weapon area whatsoever and I never take my "weapons" anywhere) .she also says if I go to a job interview dressed as a woman I won't be hired…what…I just bored and moves on. Recently she's been even more unstable yelling at me crashing out over my grades even though my life. My mental health were in shambles and I have been admitted to the ward and s*** and pulled out against medical advice. I can go to IOP because “ impatient wouldn't be good for me because I'm autistic or some b********” …I don't feel safe with her now… cuz I would phone respond a bunch and it got to a point where she lost her s*** on me for lying a bunch even though I was lying against my will because I was fawning and now I'm about to fill my classes cuz I meant to hold this really bad. So if I fail my math title which is the one thing I'll pull it up then she's going to lose her s*** and probably hurt me even though she's never hurt me before or something I don't know I'm scared and I don't trust her…I told my iop group, I relapsed, my dad yelled at me a bit but I explained it all to him and he got understanding…all this and I'm only fucking 16

My mom (46F) (has PTSD and a shit memory knows I (16NB) think? About my trama) yelled had me up at my closet sang it was a jail bait and that I was looking for attention we only happening since that I looked at people for too long or something I don't know... What do y'all think? The argument happened as I was in the living room and she was in her room... she also got mad at me for flinching and well freaking out at the doctor as he had to check my leg muscles and make sure they're okay..(he did this be holding them tightly and caressing them all the way around to check muscles) I kept looking at her doing it and saying hey. Help me please. I'm panicking. I don't know what to do.. of course I'm actually for that. I was thinking that but she said I was overreacting and paying up a show that I was looking at her a lot???? Oh also it could be important to mention I am doing a severe bullying.. and that she thinks skirt crop tops and stuff off the shoulder is jail bait...I'm aroace So I didn't see it when I press to figure it out. She just acts like I should have just inherently know it's so annoying. also I'm 16 I can't move out, she won't let me get a job or try and got a learners permit and I refuse to be homeless...so AITA..I also would like to keep pepper spray on me at all times..(l know I can't) 😭 I also train with (for fun) cosplay prop weapons.. I'm in az and lots of kids at my school do it so I'm like 80% sure it's fine..(i wuld never bring any kind of weapons to a no weapon area whatsoever and I never take my "weapons" anywhere) .she also says if I go to a job interview dressed as a woman I won't be hired…what…I just bored and moves on…so AITA

Like what the hell!?

So this girl has been hitting on me playing with my(16 aroace + nonbinary)'s hair rubbing my arm, fixed my hair, rubbed my hair, rubbed my shoulder randomly hugged me from behind poked my waist the. The day before she graduated she said "oh the things I would do to you if you were older" I'm 16 she is 19....idk what to do

So this girl has been hitting on me playing with my hair rubbing my arm, fixed my hair, rubbed my hair, rubbed my shoulder randomly hugged me from behind poked my waist the. The day before she graduated she said "oh the things I would do to you if you were older" I'm 16 she is 19....idk what to do