u/Never_Sleepy_9

No really I don't want to be mean with the dry skin folks but man. I realised this, especially in this humid ozone layer deprived ah weather, I AM GOING INSANE.

My hand, my skin, everything is clammy. CLAMMY, STICKY, DIRTY. SO GROSS

I feel so overwhelmed by not having dry (dry to me = clean!) skin. Every little dust particle, lint from clothing, everything sticks on both the wounded and intact parts, I'm so annoyed by how sticky humid and greasy everything is, that I pick EVEN MORE

Seriously, unless I have a specific scab that has that strong pull after closing up and drying, only then do I use a lightweight lotion, and only on that spot.

I hate it, I have heat intolerance, but honestly, I barely moisturise even in the winter months. I just finished a damn painful picking session, destroyed my face and arms mercilessly and manically because of this, and it fucking burns now.

I already wanted to submerge in an ice bath but now with this burning? In so much pain

This cannot be the layer I am trapped in for my whole life.

I am sick of how there's this absolutely ill-fitting clothing on me (my skin) that literally sticks to my flesh and muscles, and I cannot change into another one, I cannot adjust it and fix it.

I am sick from the fact that I'm forced to wear this whatever battlefield on my body that I just witness everyday, witness it any second I cannot be covered from head-to-toe. I'm unable to ever take it off I just want to take it off it's suffocating is there no real me

At 25, I still have no hope in sight. I grew up in manipulation and heavy isolation, stuck in this goddamn abusive, threatening, and controlling household but this is all I fucking have. Literally all I have.

I have diagnosed panic&anxiety disorder, OCD, and depression. Also T1D, which might not be the most horrific illness, but with severe mental issues I had most of my life, by now it's so hard to manage that at this point both me and my doc agree that I need a sensor. For constant supervising.

Problem is, having no income, I cannot afford it. Had no complications so far other than some signs of POTS. Knowing my glucose values, that is a miracle honestly. About the money issue, later on.

My social development, well I don't even know if it was stunted or absent. Even when I used to go somewhere, I mostly attended because I had to, and was just kinda there. Until this day, I feel like others have a script about cues and conversations that they keep as a secret, and I could never read it.

In kindergarten they sent me into some family support institution because I was anxious and barely talked. At 5&approaching 6, I was able to form words physically but was mostly nonverbal. I hid under the table from others. I was fidgeting with my hands.

They wrote all this on a paper, even literally wrote that I'm not developing as I should be so I shouldn't start school. But my parents insisted, hated me for being the 'problematic child', and eventually, they did an 'examination' which was organising some wooden cubes, and some first grade-level additions, and because I succeeded, I was sent to school and never got any psychological help.

I didn't finish my education. Finished middle school, but apart from basic exams of the basic subjects, I have no profession, as a qualification for a specific field.

Without a profession+zero experience, only fast food restaurants would hire me maybe, but I cannot spend more than 5 minutes at these spaces without getting the WORST panic atack, the type that makes you lose your vision if not even faint. Maybe some heavy physical work, which I am unable to do in this state.

When noones home I'd sneak out to smaller shops, like drugstores as an 'exposure therapy', less busy spaces luckily leave me with only... less severe panic attacks. Like I still can't breathe but at least I still have my vision there:D

I'm sending my CV to retail shops, smaller clothing stores, looking out for small drugstores too. Even there I get horrific anxiety but at least somewhat better than at busy crowded and noisy spaces.

I had this even when I attended school daily for many hours, never felt 'exposed enough' to get used to sounds and people.

Anyway, I'm still not hired even for the part-time ones. I've never even attended an interview, ever.

I have zero connections. 3 of my grandparents died, 1 with worsening dementia. No other relatives we keep in touch with, but all we have know my parents, so no use in contacting them if you know what I mean. They can also take my phone, I'm never using this in app, just write stuff from browser and immediately close it if I'm done.

I have no friends. 2 online one, both doing their own stuff understandably (and very far away). Also both in their college years.

I sometimes refresh my emails always feeling like waiting for a miracle, because let's be honest, even if I was given a part time job, I still couldn't even cover just a rent price, let alone food, water and electricity, my meds, and the very needed sensor.

All I currently have, which is the very basics, I get to have food and roof over my head for which I'm grateful, but this is not life. I am not living.

I bet they know. I bet they know that nor my once 'friends', nor my once partner, nor they ever gave me ANY emotional needs. They know it well how I can be emotionally alone, and that I knew how to stay alive like that because I was never loved. I bet they know how well my unemployment and having zero income is the only thing keeping me here so they can abuse me every day I know it I wait for an email maybe my parents even read the confirmation emails seeing I succesfully sent my resume but an actual response never comes and I know they are happy for that

It's been 3 years. 3 damn years spent with rotting in this room. Antidepressants couldn't treat any of the sensory issues that I've been experiencing.

The only antidepressant that did slightly help these issues is mirtazapine, but for such a short timespan, that in order for that 'tranqualising' effect to be active (which is just the earliest side effect of sleepiness after taking it-this is not a depressant like Xanax etc.), I would need to take it before/during work hours, if I happen to get hired at all.

However, my doctor was against this suggestion, saying this is a nighttime medication and he cannot support me 'completely knocking myself out', although I emphasized that that's not what my aim at all.

I remember years ago, I once sneaked out (from my parents cupboard) one Rivo pill before a dentist appointment, because I knew I wouldn't be able to bear it. I was over 18 if anyone worries, this is my responsibility and I'm accountable for this - anyway, nothing happened, nothing in the concerning sense - I tolerated the treatment, didn't faint, and didn't fall asleep either.

With other words, I felt the closest to normal then. But when I opened up about this one!! occasion to my therapist, he warned me, well, understandably, but he said he worked with people who take this pill, and it's effects are 'terrible'. I'd never take it again.

I can't help but wonder, if years of therapy and antidepressants never helped how differently my brain processes basic stimuli, then maybe I need the heavier stuff.

And I'm scared to start, I'm scared to even request and mention this to the doctor, but I'm not living. I'm not experiencing life. No matter how many years I'd been yapping to my therapist if the way my brain works is just - pardon me but - 'faulty', and I break down from just the sensations of having a bath or a 10 minute grocery shopping.

Idk man. I don't want to be an addict eventually, I don't want to get to a point where I'm finally on depressants as a last resort, but maybe (and probably?) they stop working, and then there's not much that can be done anymore, but right now, my life is going nowhere. Right now, my life is not a life.

Anyone ended up taking these for very stubborn anxiety? If so, I'm curious to hear whether it made life liveable, or just worse on the long run, especially if anyone specifically takes them to be able to go out and do the very basic stuff.