u/New_Equinox

Narcissistic collapse is a hell of a thing.

I have such an ego, an INCREDIBLE ego that in any social situation I am in, I must not only always be liked by others, but I must let people know I am ABOVE them. I must let people how much greater I am than them. And in response to my own personal shortcomings, I must project and belittle people to hell and back.

And a lot of the time, it works, or at least, even if people can sense that I'm outwardly some sort of narcissist, they tolerate or don't know how to say anything about it.

Until someone just HAS to come along and pierce my illusion of grandeur. All the little hypes and copes I create for myself, a clever little bird ALWAYS has to come along with a quip that makes me question my entire reality.

And at first, it triggers me to no end. Whatever facade of collectedness and superiority I had suddenly falls apart as I start to completely, abandoning all semblance of subtlety, I guess the best word to describe it is I start aping out at this person.

But they're always just too good. Or maybe my lies are too bad.

And they see through my fragile ego built upon the lies I have created to justify my internal social standing and to comfort myself. They can see that it's just that. Lies. And when they point this out, they become my worst enemy. For any attempt at further lies I create, they simply point them out and destroy my entire reality. Until I no longer have any course of action remaining.

And then, that's when the collapse happen.

I realize what an absolute mockery, what an absolute clown show I had made of myself. And once I realize what happened, I internally start going Berserk in all the shame of what I've done. For a moment, I realize what I really am. A loser with a huge ego. I realize they are right, and I start hating myself for it.

The shame grows so large that I get the all encompassing, after the fight that just happened, a flight away from everyone. Whoever these people are, I never want to be seen by them again.

I enter a period of hiding, wallowing in my own self pity until I slowly start to convince myself that it doesn't even matter in the first place.

Yes, everyone else is foolish but me! Because unlike them, I can see that these social games are absolutely meaningless animalistic behavior, and I can see them for what they are! I tell myself.

My ego slowly starts to spring back up. Away from any external judgement, I am able to slowly start building a web of lies back up that puff up my ego right back to where it once was.

Start the cycle a new.

Find a new group of people.

Berate them with my ego.

For a while, my ego grows bigger.

Until all the lies inevitably collapse to the truth once more.

Yet, amongst it all, I wonder what it must be like from the perspective of these people.

I wonder what it would be like to lack a semblance of ego. To not feel the need to prove yourself to others. To be able to face people's words head on without having to defend yourself or attack them, since you don't have an ego to protect in the first place.

They are actually able to put themselves on the same level as other people and not care about making a display out of themselves. They don't believe they are the most important thing in the world. They're not on a mission to inflate their ego. They simply exist to have a good time and enjoy themselves with others. They can be vulnerable all they like.

I envy people who lack an ego with an incredible furtiveness that you wouldn't believe.

Because really, they represent everything that I wish I were. But I cannot be. I try to imitate their semblance of uncaring, but I can't because that is simply not what I am. I care a LOT.

I envy people who can be vulnerable, and I want to absolutely smite them to smithereens. Destroy them with a passion. Because I cannot be miserable. But they can.

I think at times, I would die rather than actually open up and let myself be vulnerable. whenever I do actually let my guard down for a moment, I remember once more that others are out to get me. That I can't let my guard down, since other people are enemies.

And for lowering myself below others, I feel an undescribable amount of shame. A shame so extreme I wish I could kill the person who I just let my guard down to.

But god do I wish I could kill my ego and be vulnerable.

You know, I might already have made this post, but I still feel like saying it anyways.

I've pretty much never seen someone else in my exact situation, so I'd like to hear what the conversation on this is like.

I grew up in Europe with my mother who was Muslim, but she's very westernized, doesn't pray 5 times a day, doesn't go to the mosque and doesn't even speak arabic fluently. I left the religion when I was around 12.

All my life, despite living in Europe, I've been surrounded by Arabs. In school, I was an an alien or a curiosity for people to gawk at. How can he be Arab but not Muslim? I would be the subject of ceaseless questioning, and sometimes judgement. I felt ostracized from the entire Arab side of my class.

However, I also never quite felt like I belonged with my white classmates either. Even though they tolerated me better, I still don't feel like I quite related to their upbringing and their wider surrounding culture. So I was pretty much always lost in between the both, never quite being able to relate to one or the other

Then, when I became an adult, what was once simple curiosity turned into stern judgement, if not hostility.

Walking home in the opposite direction while people are you to the Mosque? Dirty stares, people walking past me then looking back at me to gawk at me.

Drinking or eating during Ramadan? Disgusted stares.

Buying ham or non halal meat products at the grocery store? Horrible, disgusted stares. If the cashier is Arab, they're friendly to me until they look at my choice of purchases, until which they become unusually and jarringly cold and silent.

Because of this, I often forgo buying non halal meat products unless I'm completely sure that I'm not being seen by anyone Arab.

And of course, Arabs are known for being openly warm and talkative, especially to their own kind. This however creates quite the conundrum for me. All of their specific Arabic or Islamic inside knowledge falls completely flat on me, and this is how they start every conversation. Meaning everytime I talk to a fellow Arab, there's quite a great chance that I will be subject to great discomfort and awkwardness due to them realizing I'm not a real "Arab", upon which their wide grin completely dissipates, and they treat me weirdly or coldly for the rest of the interaction, and every other interaction, perpetually.

Asking because I, who has both a recessed lower and upper jaw, PLUS a recessed chin, have always had trouble breathing through my nose, and in general. I always feel like I'm not getting enough oxygen at any moment which makes me feel lethargic, withdrawn and as if im never quite mentally present. Very inattentive as well, often losing chain of thought or the flow of discussionx and I have trouble finding words often as well.

And I heavily suspect that I have sleep apnea, because although I could never complete the sleep study, I noticed that while laying down, my nasal airway seems to be completely blocked, and I can only breathe through large mouth breathe, or else I'll feel like I'm choking.

On top of that, falling asleep as falling asleep takes me at least an hour, and I can always count on the fact that I'll likely wake up at least 2 or 3 times during my sleep. I also have a tendency to oversleep for hours after I'm supposed to wake up.

My hope with my upcoming jaw surgery later this year is that I'll finally have the proper sleep I haven't had in years, restoring my attentiveness and allowing me to actually function once more.

My mother called me down today to talk to me about how much of a mistake I am committing by not converting to Islam. That people who don't see that it is the one true religion are stuck in this here life, a life of materialism and that they aren't planning for the life that comes after this one.

That it is so obvious that Islam is the one true religion, yet that the only true certainty I'll ever have can only ever come after death, because this life is a test from God.

She was somewhat desperate, trying to bargain with me. She kept asking me, why wouldn't I convert?

She asked me, do you think about the question of God and the Afterlife? Then Islam is obviously the answer.

Is it that I'm too attached to this material world? Is that there is not enough evidence?

And every time, she kept answering with what basically sums up to "it proves itself".

Because she's terrified that if I don't convert to Islam, she'll have to watch me boil in hell for all of eternity as she watches. Of course, she won't feel for me, God supposedly having stripped her of al negative feelings, yet she can't stop stressing about it now.

Whenever my mother starts talking like this, I can feel her emotions. It does make me somewhat feel bad. It makes me feel cold for rejecting. It even makes me wonder whether I should simply just tell her that I'm Muslim again, so that at least, she can live in peace. I'd have nothing to lose.

Yet, part of me can't. Because I have an underlying, burning conviction towards seeking truth. And in my mind, just as Islam could be true in all of the potentially unfathomable possibilities, it is in fact, simply a possibility. And I'd feel simply intellectually dishonest discarding all the other possibilities to proclaim this specific one as the truth.

Because in order to be sure in a conviction, I'd have to have a proof that lays all other to rest.

Perhaps it would require supernatural evidence. Perhaps no such thing as the truth exists, and I'm being unreasonable for seeking it, if reason would even be a thing in this case. Perhaps Islam is the truth. Or perhaps it is not. Perhaps Christianity is the truth, perhaps Hinduism, perhaps this religion I just thought up where if you eat 10 tubs of ice cream, you become God.

People speaking, doors closing, people walking, sinks running, they make blindly furious. I can't focus on anything at all if someone is speaking in another room. Can't relax, can't think. Can't sleep if I don't have ear plugs, and can't do number 2 toilet business as well.

Makes it basically impossible to live or do anything in shared spaces where people are, most notably the place where I currently live. Constantly have to wait for people to be quiet, or to tell them to be quiet.

Quite frustrating as well how people don't get how torturous this feels. They just see me being obnoxiously reprimanding, but to me, it constantly feels like I'm being subjected to POW torture. 24/7.

Autism has not been very enjoyable to me.