Struggling to accept reality. The grief is killing me
Hey guys. I’ve never made my own post on Reddit before but this year has genuinely been horrible for me, and I guess I need somewhere to go where I can be vulnerable and people will actually get it. There’s a lot so I understand if you scroll past.
I’m struggling to remain convinced of my own worth after this girl I loved more than anything (still live with now but our lease ends soon) could just decide she doesn’t want to choose me or us anymore. I’m in this boat where she said “I’ll be back when I’m better” but then we spoke recently and she said to try not to think about it for now cuz she doesn’t know if her future self will want this or not. Meanwhile I’ve spent the whole year heartbroken and wanting to fix things. I broke up with her after 4 years because of a cheating incident I couldn’t move past and some things that made me feel emotionally unsafe, and still love her but needed time to heal unapologetically so we could restart with a better foundation (something I regret now because it didn’t take long for me to walk back on that decision).
A couple months after the breakup I was out alone one night just praying for clarity and feeling emotional but hoping she’d end up wanting us again at some point, and I came home to her blacked out on the couch making out with a friend of hers (her friend was a girl thank God but my ex has also always been straight so yeah). Wasn’t acknowledged at all. Left to my bedroom to process it and heard moaning, eventually walked out and saw them on the kitchen floor making out and she looked up at me and smiled saying she was having fun. I kicked her friend out and she left with her. Had to tell her the next day everything that happened since she remembered none of it. We were broken up for 2 months prior to this so technically it wasn’t cheating I guess but it felt like it. She was blacked out during the cheating incident from years ago too but I wasn’t there, so it shook me to the core to see the very thing I was struggling to move past happen right in front of me as if I never mattered. I don’t know. This has been hard and as a man I feel so weak for even typing all this out on Reddit but my sense of self has been completely gone and I don’t know how to accept that someone who used to be my best friend and that I still have wanted to choose after everything, won’t choose me anymore (apparently due to not wanting to live in shame and not feeling romantic anymore). Yet here I am still checking in on how she’s doing from time to time, bought her something meaningful for her bday, and doing a lot of out-of-character things on my own time to cope with the grief I feel from all of it when I never wanted any of this, and I just feel like a fool who’s concept of self-respect has completely changed. Because how can I be worth something if someone who received all of me for 4+ years, my unconditional love, perseverance, my forgiveness, my loyalty, honesty, dedication, vulnerability, trust; we used to talk about marriage and kids, and moved in together after 3 years (we’re both 24 right now). All of that to still not be chosen and end up disrespected and discarded. I’m not here to victimize myself but I’m in pain and can’t seem to find a way out or a way to accept this reality and it’s taken me to a dark place.
It prolly sounds dumb but I still see the good in her despite it all, because I know her enough to know she has trauma from her dad that she allowed to bleed into our relationship. All this to say though, intellectually I know I’m worth something but I can’t seem to feel it anymore. So yeah. Sorry if this was a lot to read but I appreciate whoever responds.