u/No-Hyena4188

i dont know really what im gonna do. i was taken off adderall cause of mania including some psychosis and severe ptsd response on adderall. there was also some drug mixing but it was never as bad using the drugs without adderall. im clean now. im off adderall.

i used to hike and walk in the park daily, be online here more frequently to talk to people like me, used to havea friend group i engaged with (theyre gone now cause of the pyschosis anyway). i used to travel go new places get coffee, etc etc. etc, sports like skating and hiking were daily for me. i do NOTHING but bed rot several months off adderall. i just dont think its possible to survive this and i think the problem was that i got off an antipsychotic not adderall but now ill probably never ever be given adhd medication back i feel fucked. im so depressed and fatifgued cogntitive dyssfunction also. nothing helped it but addy.

im on low dose welbutrin that also will likely never ever inrease and isnt therepeutic tho its already helped immensely. i feel so stuck

i also lived in my car on addy and was happier alone but off it i dont have the energy to live alone. i feel fucked

i quit recently and was so excited to "make community" and see how "connection is the opposite of addiction" but i ran into an old problem i forgot about which is why i always ditched recovery groups and went back to drinking and using, not just aa, but every type of even secular group, i have a particular kind of neurodivergence and trauma response, as well as a psychotic disorder that hasnt been properly medicated yet. i talk off topic or trauma dump, or am scattered hypervigelent, cant create a coherent train of thought without a tangent, and ocd to the point of it being disruptive.

i say things that are against social convention without realizing it. for years ive gone to numerous types of groups hopeless because my "disruptive" "defects of character" never change. im the "egomaniac' or the "large personalities" they like to talk about as paraias. all i wanted was help, sisterhood, love, like they give to everyone else but i can tell nobody can stand me and i cant read the room. idk what to do i cant find people like me or who will accept me. i feel im unwanted ive even been straight up kicked for trauma dumping then felt guilty. i did it again recently and after years ruining my chances of getting into new meetings cause of my behavioral problems ive been at a loss thinking i dont deserve sobriety.

at a week and a half sober i almost ended my life today because i just want to be in community with other addicts in recovery but im too mentally ill to ever fit into a group setting, i could never even work a job, im that mentally unwell. im not just awkward or shy or arrogent and self centered, im actually something akin to a paranoid schizophrenic with poorly working meds and severe cptsd. people just berate the things i say i hate it. i dont even know why im sober or what there is to live for without drugs and alcohol in a world where im too mentally ill to even get sober friends and community, its feels so grim like im better off using

i need help, idk what to do. this feels like a condemnation worse than death. my dream as a kid was always to eventually run away from my abusers and come out, i figured they would want me dead and disown me if they knew who i was and i wasnt interested in the idea of them ever really loving me. there are a number of reasons it would take too much time to go into, but my entire family always knew i was gay and a femme since early childhood and were so ashamed and in denial they defacto conversion therapied me out of it. the religious abuse was monsterous. i learned i was a repulsive abomination and deserved death and burning from family. thanks to them i tried killing myself as a kid, i believed i was going to hell, but i would rather burn for eternity than spend another moment with them.

they were monsters, religious fundamentalist bigots and enablers. only when i was too old to be abused would they pretend to accept me but i can tell they still are disgusted with me on an inner level. its a pure fucking curse to have pro trans family, especially my formerly religious mom, and my dad who said he knew all along and enabled it and gave no fucks the torture they did. they even caught having made a homemade dildo and continued to reinforce that it was shameful and a secret to help hide and id go to hell according to the religious ones. transphobic comments or behaviors from my family led to a mental breakdown where i was raped by a chaser. they ruined my entire life. my brain is broken by paranoia.

now that they accept me, i just hate myself, i hate everything about me, i feel like a repulsive monster and just wish i could die because i was born trans, because i dont want my abusers to love me, they look like the good ones and i look like the bad one after all the mental illness and addiction their abuse created. they are getting away with crimes against humanity. i just wish kicked me out and rejected me, maybe i would love myself right now, as it stands i believe once again that i deserve to burn. i feel like i have to hate me to prove a point so they can watch me suffer, and not get away with the abuse, since im too mentally ill with cptsd to move out and start at new life because of them. my internalized transphobia is my way of saying to them, you will never get away with your crime and human rights violation against me as a child

i feel like i actually cant live with how pure evil my heart is. im rotten to the core. i blame and hate the entire world for the abuse my family did to me, religion, and for my sexual assault. i take it out on other people in my attitude and subconcious judgements of people. im bitter spiteful and jelous. i dislike everyone and judge everyone projecting how i feel about myself, and im jelous or bitter of people who have things i dont like people who are less ugly than me or have a good life now because they had a good family and are normal, or who didnt experience being raped and get to date without ptsd. i just feel so much rage towards... the average innocent person. sometimes it feels like i want everyone to feel the pain i feel. i automatically dislike and assume the worst of people who look like my abusers. i think im an actually evil shithead and have been since i was a kid.

i want to be loving and kind and okay with myself instead of judging others. i cant even help it, im a bigot against myself, im transphobic and im trans, i cant get it out of my bones i was raised that way, i refuse to transition out of shame and judge every person i see of my own kind, so ofc im hateful and spiteful, i hate myself deeply because i was taught to. i feel like i deserved all the abuse i got or my traumatic experience because of my identity and the way i say it sounds really fucked up. i wish i could change i dont feel deserving to change and im just that stubbornly bitter and hateful that im incapable of change i believe no matter what i do for years trying to become a good person ive known im a bad person since i was a small child and i became that way because of my family. ive been thinking about self imploding lately and drinking to get kicked out so im homeless or in rehab and forced to meet people and adapt to being kinder isntead of isolated being a jelous hater at home. i dont want to recover if im a terrible person and theres nothing to recover. id rather just prove im a terrible person to my whole family and drink myself into getting kicked out, i dont deserve the support and compassion im given

i was sexually assaulted a few years ago. my life was devastated, but a year later, while going through the worst of the ptsd flashbacks and nightmares of my rapist, i started having different nightmares, of two men raping me when i was a kid in the woods. they were a different skin color than my rapist, and two of them, and i was in a hotel in the city when i was raped, not the woods. ive always had a certain fear of the woods and men with facial hair and lots of body hair and masculine features and i new knew why because i like men, but the nightmare involved those kinds of hairy men i had a phobia of since childhood, and my rapist was clean shaven. i always had weird sexual feelings towards certain male family member in childhood though i dont believe them the culprit but only shared certain features. i feel so awful, it hurts physically in my chest, i moan and close my eyes thinking about it. it hurts... physically, i can barely remember besides somatic body memories etc, but i feel so much terror. maybe the nightmares i had of it were actually the memories but somewhat blurry and distorted. maybe i can remember, i need help understanding this

i remember being given a toy while camping by these two gross men in a trailer and the toy had something sticky/slimy on it and transclucent, and my mom took it from me and said thats gross give it to me immediately. i tried to kill myself when i was 8 years old, slit my throat, its all starting to make sense. it was tigress from kung fu panda. kung fu panda 2 came out when i was 8 years old, but it could have also been from the first movie. i have these gross and painful somatic body memories, my body remembers, but my mind feels frozen. there was always so much darkness and rage i felt as a child and thoughts of rot death and gore. Im not entirely sure but the timeline makes sense. my whole life was a lie pretending it never happened and there was no real reason for the extreme pain and terror i felt even before i was raped a few years back. i feel so much emptiness, corruption, pain, i feel like im losing my identity and self concept and dont know who i am, like im coming apart in pieces.

posting this here because i dont know where else i would be understood. i grew up evangelical fundamentalist and so i think in a very christian way and have very christian trauma. i try to believe in god but i dont even feel worthy of gods love at all nor a persons, i dont feel like a human being. i dont know if there is a god of love but maybe a god of hate is all ive understood and see in the world

im agorophobic because im so ashamed to be trans. i feel so filthy i wont even talk to my family or see them in person 90% of the time. i just am waiting around to die, i feel like a F i just cant live being a disgusting freak. I was raised in a cult-adjacent christian fundamentalist family. i was an alt right extremist as a teenager. i believed in the d**th penalty for lgbt people, and that they were children of the devil, pure evil, as evil as serial killer, a sex criminal, a terrorist. i wanted gay marriage criminalized, as well as sodomy, i loved matt walsh, he was my favorite youtuber for years. i loved to talk about how trans people are just mentally ill and stealing a gender that doesnt belong to them, and i believed they should be forced to detransition. because i was trans, and because i was attracted to men and had committed a mortal sin by masturbating thinking of men that i deserved to be killed, me being executed was the only way i could ever go to heaven. i spent day and night wishing i could be stone to death or beheaded so i would go to heaven and not hell because it was a sin to even be alive after something born evil. i thought i had a demon and i wanted my grandma to excercise the demon but i was too scared to fess up. i was so fucked in the head that i would constantly fantasize about being able to go to a terrorist organization so i can be executed and made right with god at 15 years old. i asked my grandma if it was wrong that they do that and she alluded that it might be justifiable.

thought i was born evil and satanic, and i self harmed by conversion theraping myself after it was reccomended by the christian youtubers i followed as a a teenager, because my parents didnt do shit to stop me from being brainwashed. i went on christian subreddits to try to figure out how to make myself straight and me once and for all cured. for years and years to force and abuse and beat the gay and trans out of me till they died, and i was completely cured, of my unnatural sexuality and gender. i self harmed by forcing myself to like girls or be masculine even when i was slowly developing ptsd. to abuse the real me into submission out of shame. i believed gay kids grew up to become serial killers and criminals and were dangerous, and i saw trans people as filthy, icky, smelly, repulsive, non human freak animals. i thought just looking at them was disgusting. I even got broken up with someone cause i told them they shouldnt transition before i changed my whole sexuality and gender when i came out.

now i have to be one. i became agorophobic as soon as i came out years ago because of the shame. i still feel so ashamed, its so embarassing going outside being this mutant freak thats a criminal in everyone's eyes. i feel like im a pervert monster and that i deserve to die and i just hate people looking at me. i feel so ashamed like im complete heinous rotten garbage, like ive commited a crime. ive been thinking about ending it a lot lately because i just cant go on like this hating myself and feeling hated by the world i have such thin skin about it and such deep insecurity i cant go outside i have very physical and verbal ticks related to chronic shame and self hatred for being trans. sometimes i hide under my blanket in my room because im paranoid i feel so vile and ugly and a monster for being a queer that i dont even want my face out when im alone i want to bury under my arms. i drank away the shame for years lately ive been cutting or hitting myself to punish myself for being a icky trans. i cant stop self harming all these years later to correct myself beacuse im wrong and disgusting. i still feel like i deserve to be killed, it never leaves how much i loath being this thing. theres nowhere to go with this kind of trauma, ive never met people who understand and wouldnt judge or think my trauma is completely ridiculous. i feel like im naked 24/7, like im something comparable to a maggot or cockroach. someone just for being trans and it never, ever, ever goes away

I was raped a two and a half years ago now and my life feels completely dead. ive become agorophobic and im ago nowhere. im in constant emotional and physical pain every day. meds and therapy havent availed me anything in the long term. ive been thinking of suicide day and night for the last few weeks and lately im afraid of what i might actually do but im just trying to stay safe. i cant feel sexual pleasure, i cant feel atraction, i cant feel arousal, im terrified of meeting men for sex or dating i know it wont work out due to my ptsd and general instability and ill have a flashback if i try having sex it wont work. rape was my only "sexual" experience. i never had sex prior so its al i know and i fear all i will ever know now because i dont see how ill ever think about sex now. i had just come out. i was a closeted trans woman and i was religious all my life so i was never allowed to have sex with men since homosexuality was a sin. my whole childhood was spent in terror fearing hell because i couldnt help being gay, and feeling so ugly. i tried killing myself at 8 years old to escape the pain. as a teenager i was in right wing pipelines enabled by a religious family. i tried to conversion therapy myself. it destroyed my sexuality. i couldnt feel anything.

when i came out i thought i had a second chance at life. i started feeling again, i started developing a healthy sexuality. for the first time ever i was starting to be happy, for the first time i didnt want to die. i wanted to lose my virginity and met with a man on grinder, and at the hotel room he perseded to threaten my life and torture me sexually. it hurt, it wouldnt stop. he made me throw up after he tortured me. he said filthy things about me and degraded me for being trans. i feel so perverted and disgusting because of who i am. when i ran away from the hotel to get to my car i was mocked by homeless men standing outside the hotel hollering where are you running. it hurt and bled for weeks. i waited months to get tested for and std in fear i was going to get sick because i didnt want my family or doctors to know anything ever happened i was so ashamed. i hid in my house scared he could find me.

after years of addiction i dont even know who i really am anymore. i think i mindlessly exist just to not kill myself, and nothings changed, it was like that then and its like that now. ill never get a boyfriend cause. ill be agorophobic for the rest of my life, when i go outside alone im terrified ill be attacked by someone, my mind isnt the same anymore, im paranoid, i cant trust my family or feel love anymore and constantly feel scared they are plotting against against me and hate me. ive had psychosis. i lived in my goddamn car thinking they tried to kill me because my mind has never been the same since i was raped and ive gone fucking insane, i cant trust anyone and my life always feels in danger.

whenever i hear anything about sex, i just immediately feel cold and remember what happened and what he took from me and that i am alone because of him and i cannot feel, i feel castrated, this with my religious torture for my sexuality, i cant feel a godamn fucking thing i might as well be castrated. have suicidal or self harm ideations. ive torn up my arm so much in the last few weeks because i want to die and take it out on myself or want to punish myself for my trauma or for being ugly. i just want it to stop and im lonely. i want to die so bad and i dont know why im alive. i miss feeling pleasure, i miss talking to guys and not fearing they will hurt me, i miss going outside, going to college, having a job. its so long past over for me and im a failure. i just dont know whats left anymore