u/No_Flan4204

I recently got back from Christ In Youth (CIY) camp, and I honestly just need to vent to people who understand how toxic and exhausting these environments are. The entire trip was a constant cycle of whiplash; transitioning from “Christian Love” and sweet gestures to blatant, unfiltered bigotry in the span of a single sentence.

The discomfort started before we (the church I went with) even arrived; right in the church van. I was sitting directly behind and next to two couples who apparently forgot we were on a church trip. While one couple kept things respectful, the other couple, who we’ll call D and S, took the PDA to a level that was honestly just gross, with D literally grabbing S’s face and pretending to lick his lips in the middle of a church van. They were also groping each other WHILE we were there. Weird!

When we finally arrived, I found out my roommate was a massive MAGA supporter, which was just the tip of the iceberg for what was to come as a gay man at church camp.

As a Black guy, the hardest part of the trip was realizing just how comfortable my peers were with casual racism. I found out two of the guys from my church, who I’ll call X and G, had deeply racist pasts, and I even saw a photo of G dressed as Adolf Hitler doing a Nazi salute IN THE CHURCH DORMS. When it was brought up in a conversation, he tried to play it off by claiming he was working on his behavior, but then immediately followed it up with, "Well, I'm racist to all races, so I can't be racist." Are you serious?? Im pretty sure he dressed up as Adolf Hitler AFTER he said he was working on his behavior.

It only got worse from there. While hanging out in the dorms, the pastor’s kid named of the church I went to CIY with decided it would be hilarious to make a hand gesture to "sign" the n-word at me in sign language. When I called him out by loudly yelling, "Why did you call me a n***er?" as a joke to cope with the tension and anger, the camp leader came in and I was the only one who got in trouble for being too loud. The double standard of the minority getting policed for reacting to a literal slur while the white pastor's kid gets a pass is just so typical of these spaces.

I had one of those classic moments of Christian whiplash towards the end of the trip. I wanted to buy a drink at the cafeteria but only had cash, and S (D’s boyfriend) very sweetly offered to let me use his card. I sat down to drink it with them, feeling really grateful, and he immediately started talking about how he had to flee his old church because they had a female pastor and a bisexual member. As a gay guy, sitting there having to nod along while someone who just did me a favor spews blatant homophobia and misogyny directly into my face was incredibly jarring.

On the very last day, a random kid outside literally asked if he was allowed to say the n-word since we weren't supposed to say "mean things" anymore. When I told him absolutely not, he followed us and asked me if I was gay. I just ignored him and walked away to play cards with my friends, but when I tried to vent to my group about how frustrating and dehumanizing it was, almost nobody listened. Instead, X decided to mock me by signing the exact same fake n-word sign directly in my face. When I got upset, he stormed off and threw a tantrum.

The leaders actually took my side this time, and when they called Xaden down, he started crying and apologizing. Even though it wasn't okay, I felt this weird pressure to comfort him because I knew him, which is such a frustrating position to be put in when you are the victim. We prayed over it because they said “the enemy” could use this to divide us. Baby, he set the division not me.

This trip was just a reminder of how deep bigotry is normalized, excused, and swept under the rug in Christian communities.